Should I return the favor or?

If I were you and I were going to visit them on Easter, I would bring some flowers or dessert like you would if you were visiting anybody else. That’s just common courtesy and if he didn’t like it, I would try to get him to understand it’s what you would do when visiting anybody. I don’t think it’s necessary that you bring her an Easter basket.

Ask him the reason why not. Him not wanting you to give them anything is so strange, that I have to assume he has a good reason.

Families can be very strange, and he knows them best. You have no idea what you may be unleashing by ignoring him, and after all, your primary friendship is with him, not his parents, he is the one your should be aiming to please.

Where families are concerned, I have learned that it is usually best to listen to strange requests.

I once had a friend invite me to dinner at his mothers, he told me to not compliment his mother on the food. A few bites in, my manners instinct took over, and I said that the food was really nice. As soon as I did, his mother asked me “what is wrong with it?”. I said nothing. She asked “don’t you like it?”. I said it was great. She asked if I wanted something else, I said I was fine. Long story short, everyone had to wait while she insisted on going to the kitchen to cook me something different, convinced I did not like it.

People are strange some times.

@jca nailed it. Go right ahead and be your usual courteous self and bring flowers or whatever you might naturally. Whatever tensions your boyfriend has with his family predate your relationships with his family.
Let your boyfriend know that going forward if anything objectionable happens you have his back and will be on his side. But besides that you’d like to be friendly.

@poisonedantidote has a point, sometimes a strange request has specific reasons underlying. Ask your boyfriend about this. But if he just says something vague like “they’re (or she’s) always doing stuff like this” then let him fight his own battles.

I’m going to say something, and you can all think I’m an asshole if you like, but here it is anyway.

Speaking for myself here, I hate introducing girls to my parents. So much so, that I have only ever let them know about one girl, my current girlfriend, and even then, that was only after we decided we would marry. Otherwise, they would not even know she exists to this date.

If I took a girl round to my parents place, and told her specifically not to do something, and she went over my head and did it anyway, I would dump her on the spot instantly, no second chances.

My advice would be to ask him why not, just to know what his reason is. Then, do as he says anyway, even if he is being unreasonable or does not have a good reason.

His parents are his turf. If you go over his head and bring them a gift, it is like if he lets you into his car and asks you to not touch the radio settings, but the first thing you do is change station and crank up the volume anyway.

These are not mutual friends or strangers you met on the street, they are his parents, and honestly, you should be thankful that he is willing to let you speak with them at all.

Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind that some of us are a bit strange concerning parents, and there is little to no chance that you can ever do anything about it.

Ask him why not, then either go and don’t bring a gift, or don’t go at all.

@poisonedantidote, I don’t think your being an asshole at all. While I agree with others on this thread about the okay-ness for @LilacEyez to follow her instincts (although, considering her boyfriend’s feelings, I think a note would be better than a personal visit), I totally get your point of view.

I will never admit it to my family but it is always a little bit sad to me when I’m the only one who doesn’t have an Easter basket or a Christmas stocking. If your boyfriends mom is anything like me she would be touched that someone thought of her. Now show this post to your boyfriend and tell him to show his mama some love.

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room Yea, I felt the need to add an asshole disclaimer as I just came from trying to talk sense to feminists, where I was called a misogynist several times, even though I spend a fair bit of time trying to explain to my girlfriend that she is an equal.

I did not want to seem like a controlling misogynist with my advice, but it is true that a lot of men have strange ways regarding their parents.

Are you a guy @Pachyderm_In_The_Room ? I think we would find it is mostly other guys who get my point of view, the more sociable chatty females are probably all for bringing a gift.

@poisonedantidote, I would honor my significant others wishes in the end but not without a deep discussion. I have always been a bit skeptical of men who are not kind to their mother.

@Judi Yes, a deep discussion is indeed needed, it is not healthy for him to be that way, as it is not healthy for me to be how I am either. Just bringing a gift could probably force that discussion at the wrong time.

For me it was the opposite, I made sure my girlfriend brought a gift as I wanted it all to go well, but yea, this needs talking about for sure.

Yes, @poisonedantidote, I am indeed a guy, and although this particular thing has never happened to me, I can think back to times when it might have come up.

I’m having a hard time disagreeing with you, @poisonedantidote, and I certainly don’t think you’re wrong for stating your honest opinion. I think you were right on target in saying that it’s important to know his reasons.

The length of your relationship is also a factor, @LilacEyez. If you’re a new couple, no doubt you still have a lot to learn about each other. If you’ve been together for a couple of years, you should know enough about him and his relationship with his parents to know where you want to tread lightly and what you can take upon yourself.

I also understand your point, @Judi. On lots of family occasions I’m the only one who isn’t in any pictures. Or I was, until I finally started handing the camera to somebody and saying “I was here too.” In your place, you know what? I’d buy myself a little basket and put some pastel-foil-covered Hershey kisses in it.

Try asking him if it would be okay to bring a gift, if you said it was from both of you. If I had to hazard a guess, with the economy the way it is at the moment, he is probably stone cold broke, and does not want to be shown up or have his mother make some kind of comment about him not bringing anything.

For those of you observant enough to notice that I am preaching the opposite of what I did at my friends house, it is probably worth mentioning that I was never invited back.

Persaonlly, I would never continue to date a person who does not get along with his family. Family is very important to me, and I just can’t imagine not loving my in laws as well as my husband. Even my obnoxious Father In Law had his redeeming qualities.

A small bunch of flowers or potted plant would be fine.

Don’t bring me a potted plant, though, thanks. It imposes an obligation. I don’t want one more thing that I’m supposed to take care of.

Going without any hostess gift is unacceptably rude, even for new acquaintances, but what if you guys get married some day and that is their first impression? ugh. I’d just do it anyway and slip something into my purse and hand it to her at some point during the settling in of the party.