General Question

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

We just broke it off, I don't know what I feel right now?

Asked by nailpolishfanatic (6617points) April 9th, 2013

My boyfriend of 7 months just broke up with me and he told me the reasons were because I am very difficult to communicate with and also that I’m not very appreciative of things. It’s just something that I don’t quite understand, although one thing that he mentioned was that I have difficulties apologizing, ofcourse I don’t deny it because I know for a fact myself that I do have that problem and it is something that I’m trying to change because I do not want it to affect my relationships with people around me.

We’ve just been quarreling all day today and I’m suffering from massive headaches, I also am thinking that maybe I am becoming/already depressed and it’s scaring me, also as this is my first relationship it’s killing me, my hurt feels like it’s been ripped out and stomped on. There’s a mixture of feelings going on, he’s already deleted me off of Facebook and it’s just weird. I have no idea what to do… I feel I should woman up and call him but what if he doesn’t answer me and I have no idea what to say to him.

Please help me.

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32 Answers

marinelife's avatar

First, take a deep breath. Why would you call him? It is over. He has made that clear to you. Calling him is not a good idea.

Of course, your feelings are churning all over the place. Take some time and feel the hurt. It is going to take time to get over him.

When you get to a good place, examine carefully what he said. Was it true? If there are things for you to work on, think about whether it’s something you can fix yourself or you need the help of a therapist. You should see a doctor if you believe you might be clinically depressed. Make sure it’s not just the pain of the break-up making you blue.

It’s hard to believe, but you will feel better eventually. In the meantime, I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

zenvelo's avatar

Feel all your feelings. Cry if you feel like it. Being dumped is like a kick in the gut, it hurts and hurts in a way like nothing else.But you will live through it!

Do not try to reach out to him, do not try to see if he will reconcile with you. It will only make things worse. Realize it is time to move on. So hang with close friends and others that love you and value you. Get hugs from them, and know that you are a great person. Be aware that he has let go of a great woman, and it is his loss.

Good luck!

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

But I tend to avoid people and socializing when I’m feeling this way, all I want to do is lay in my bed crying…

Judi's avatar

DON’T CALL!
Now that that’s out of the way, allow yourself to cry if you need to, to scream if you need to, to sleep if you need to, to eat chocolate if you need to, but don’t grovel.
You will experience a myriad of emotions over the next few weeks and if you’re like a lot of us , an overwhelming desire to contact him to tell him everything from, “I’m sorry” to “you’re an ass hole” to “please come back, I can’t live without you. ”
Resist. After you are sure you have processed your emotions (2 weeks minimum, probably more) you might want to compose an email thanking him for the life lessons you learned from the relationship. Have a trusted friend proof read it and don’t send it unless they can assure you that it will be healing and not damaging.
So sorry for the hurt you’re going through. Most of us have been there.
If you learned and grew from the relationship it was not time wasted.

Rarebear's avatar

Normally I don’t answer questions like this, but I agree with @Judi. Bad idea to call.

Call another friend instead and talk to her.

Pachy's avatar

I feel for you. Been there.

NostalgicChills's avatar

I agree with the rest- Don’t call.
Hey, life sucks sometimes. But one of the worst things to do during times like these is keeping all your emotions in. Don’t do that. Just let it all out, scream into your pillow, call up a friend and talk, eats buckets of ice cream and wallow in self pity. And like @marinelife said, after you’ve calmed down, take a step back and think, “Were those things true? How can I change?” Sorry you’re going through this. If you ever need someone to talk to, message me.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I’ve never ended or had a relationship end when I didn’t feel totally like crap. I don’t go into them lightly, when they end it hurts. Just figure the best way for you to handle the pain and take some time to heal. Don’t call. Take some time. Then consider the possibility of calling after you both have had some time.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Breathe. That helps many things. You are hurting right now. Ggreat! That shows you are human and are capable of emotion.
Don’t call him. Don’t text. Don’t SMS, tweet, poke, finger, .... Heck, don’t even send telepathy! Consider it done.
Flush the toilet and let it go. Then have a good cry. Take a nap. Read. Go for a walk.
Tomorrow is another day.

blueiiznh's avatar

I am sorry you are going through this and hurting.
I suggest you take a break from it. Don’t call. Try to unburden your mind and focus it on anything else that you can.
Take the time you deserve and need to let it work its way out.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Wait at least 24 hours after an upset , when you can think things through clearly.
The breakup is not all one sides fault.
He contributed too.
After 24 hours decide rationally whether to leave it alone and work on your self healing and move on from there.
One does not HAVE TO BE in a realtionship, you can function on your own.
Usually the one who issues the breakup has already gone through the same
emotions that you are experiencing now.
He decided rationally to end it, unfortunately he did not give you any clues that
that might happen.
He could have moved on to someone else by now, even before telling you?
I don’t mean to sound sexist but more men seem to do that.
I feel sorry that you have to deal with the pain and shock especially when you
did not see it coming.
That can be devastating.

You will get through this much stronger in the end for it.
And maybe in the end it was the best for the both of you?

At seven months is usually is when couples get out of the initial attractions stage and into seeing each others flaws and deciding wether to continue or not. It is one of the cycles of relationship dynamics.

If both accept the other flaws and all then it continues, if not then a breakup occurs.

Perhaps in the near future you will find a more compatible partner who will stay for the long hall?
Good luck in finding the right one for you.
We are your cheering section.

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

I am sorry you are hurting. I agree with the others, don’t call him and take some time to heal.

Unfortunately first break ups can be the hardest, but you can also learn a lot from your first relationship. Love doesn’t hurt, that is at least one thing you should be aware of right now. People who love and care for you do not hurt you. They try as hard as they can to work things out with you.

It took myself a long time to understand that, but when I finally figured that out my relationship was awesome and incomparable to all the other failed relationships which I figure are just foundation and yes they may be cracked but when the right person comes along they will fill all the cracks and together you will build one mighty damn fine house.

I promise you will find “it” one day and you will know. For now you just need to heal from this guy and think of his deleting you as a blessing in disguise.

Hugs your way. It will get better, I promise.

rojo's avatar

It has been a looong time since I had to personally deal with a situation like this.

One thing I have learned over all these years that I would like to impart to you is that no matter how crappy it is right now, “Life Goes On”.

Not much to go on I admit but it has always given me the impetus to keep moving.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I’m sorry you are feeling beaten down by what your ex had to say. Of course, they took no responsibility for why the relationship did not work out. It was immature and unkind of them to dump on you and blame you for the end of the relationship.

Your worth as a person does not depend on the opinions of that person or of any other person.

You will survive. It will be easier if you don’t buy into your ex’s attempt to blame you. Learn what you can from the relationship and even from the experience of how it ended.

In time you will find someone else. It may take a number of relationships for you to identify what kind of person is most pleasant and fulfilling for you in a relationship. There is no rush for you to find the right person for you, is there?

AshLeigh's avatar

I’m sorry. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I broke up last week, so I know what you mean.
I don’t think calling him is a good idea. Just try to stay distracted. Surround yourself with friends, and just stay busy. You’ll feel better soon.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@nailpolishfanatic Is this the same guy from an earlier question (older, ex-alcoholic)?
Consider this a life experience. Not all experiences will be positive. But, if you keep your eyes open, you will learn something from every one.

gailcalled's avatar

Given this question of yours and most of the responses, I would take issue both with your premise and most of the responses here.

Here’s what I wrote two months ago; I stick with that position.

“If possible, and I know that this is not easy, try not to give him so much power over you. Particularly the part where you are “constantly thinking of what” you “could have done better.”

It was a relationship, not a one-sided event. You are not the only party involved. Do you think he is brooding enough to have his thoughts interfer with an important activity in his life.”

He is not blameless in this relationship.

Of course, you are very unhappy now. and I don’t wish to minimize how that feels. Grieve, of course. Can you find a therapist to talk to briefly. Don’t develop psychosomatic illnesses like headaches and depression. Get mad, cry, bang things around, but not for too long. Mr. Better may be just around the corner, impossible as that seems now.

Judi's avatar

There you go again @gailcalled, getting to the REAL story. You are the only one I know they researched previous questions and puts things in context.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I held down my urge of calling him, I somehow managed to not pick up the phone and call him. On the other hand though he started talking to me yesterday evening, you know he mentioned all these things that at the beginning I thought were untrue but coming to thinking of it, I finally realised that most of what he said what indeed true and maybe I need a little bit of work done regarding my relationships and the way I talk to people. I’m thinking part of it has to do with the fact that I’m an only child and maybe that could be the reason why I’m partly rude… but otherwise I do think that people sometimes take my pride (I’m very proud of who I am) as being rude or spoiled.

We are trying to patch up things and I would really like to keep our great relationship going but I don’t know if I should. I want to though and I know it’s for the best because I truly love him.

Inspired_2write's avatar

It is normal to feel pulled in two directions at a time like this.
One side pulls you to the comfortable relationship that you have enjoyed over the last 7 months.
The other side is presenting you with the realization that it may be over , hence the doubts.
Listen to your inner intution, for the answer to find what is best for you.

cutiepi92's avatar

Maybe I’m just that different from everyone else in terms of advice, but I really hate it when people just say “move on” and don’t really consider the individual relationship. I don’t think we are the ones that can help you with this; it is something you need to figure out on your own. Did you ever see yourself being with this guy forever? What are your real feelings for him? Was it actually love or was it intense like? These are questions that you have to answer on your own.

Your situation sounds like something I went through with my current boyfriend a long time ago. We took a 5 month break because we both needed to grow and his reasons for not being with me are the same ones yours is giving you. Likewise, we had a long discussion and realized there were a lot of issues he needed to fix on his side as well. If you are meant to be together, then later on you will be. Take this time to work on yourself and make yourself into a better person. If he loves you still, he will see what a mistake it was to give you up and he will do whatever it takes to get you back. You don’t want to beg. As far as remaining friends is concerned, I’m not sure how that will work out for you. I think it’s really hard to just be friends with someone you reach a certain level of intimacy with. I don’t know how “far” you have gotten in your relationship, but I know that my boyfriend and I tried the whole friend thing too. It turned into us just being a couple without a title. It’s hard to get rid of an already established dynamic. Sex while not in a relationship with him can easily make things way harder and more confusing, so don’t make that same mistake I made no matter how tempting it may be

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

@cutiepi92 I am sorry I am really not tryimg to be rude about your advice but I find it kind of contradictory. In the beginning you say you “really hate it when people just say “move on” and don’t really consider the individual relationship.”
But then by the end you are saying “Sex while not in a relationship with him can easily make things way harder and more confusing, so don’t make that same mistake I made no matter how tempting it may be”

So those 2 statements confuse me because if you are saying not to make the same mistake then essentially in the grand scheme of things you really are suggesting that it is better if she stay away from the guy. Because it obviously would have been better if you had of stayed away, thus relieving yourself from the drama of does he love does he love me not, if you know what I mean. I think that is why most suggest to “stay away”.

I wanted to give you another outlook on your answer. I am not sure how old you are or how many relatioships you have had, but sometimes the older we get and the more relationships we have had the better we get at it, and when you find the right person they don’t leave you. I hate to reference it like this but it’s like finding the perfectly stable, loving, non violent forever home for a stray animal.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@nailpolishfanatic You did not answer whether or not this is the same guy from previous questions. If it was, he was older than you, had alcohol problems but was working on it, had many partners while you did not, was manipulative, criticized you often, gave you gifts and then expected “appreciation”.
You’ve invested 7 months of your youth and a lot of your emotional energy in what appears to be a toxic and potentially abusive situation.
Think about it. If this 7 month relationship is hurting you this much now, what will it be like in a year, or two years?

Look at the signs of emotionally abuse relationships. Do you recognize anything?

You are 18,19. Don’t waste another minute of your life on this poison. You deserve better.

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

^ I agree!
@nailpolishfanatic why do you think you need this guy so badly?

I have 2 ways for you to get your mind occupied:
1)Answer our questions on fluther ;)
and
2)Make a list of the positives and negatives of this guy and your relationship and if you have trouble finding positive things, then he is not the guy for you.

cutiepi92's avatar

@nofurbelowsbatgirl I said I don’t like when people say move on for everyone’s relationship after a breakup because no one has the same relationship and feelings involved are different for everyone. What is great for one person might not be the best for someone else. Yes, I suggest they not have sex. That is the mistake I made. I don’t think it was a mistake to hang around with him, I’m just saying you have to have the self control to not get involved with them sexually. We were fine being friends but once we started having sex again, it made it hard for me. After a while, we stopped having sex (again) and proceeded on as “friends” and everything was fine then.

I’m saying that depending on the relationship, I don’t think there is a problem staying close. They just need to be able to draw the line between what they are “now” and what they used to be. Some people can do that, others can not. Once we were finally able to establish that line, things got better. I won’t say that I made a mistake by being close to him after that “breaking off” bit because it’s 3 years later and we are still together and much better off than we were during that time. People sometimes need some growing up to do, which is easier to do out of a relationship a times than in one. But to cut that person out of your life completely is extreme. I only suggests she does that if she wants nothing more to do with him. My advice is by no means easy and ultimately she has to decide how she feels about him. I only give my personal situation because ultimately, many years later I am in a very happy place.

I apologize if my thoughts are really scattered (they probably are) I’m just really tired lol

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

@cutiepi92 I understand everything you are trying to say. And my problem isn’t that I don’t understand what you are saying, it’s just the fact that you say that no one has the same personal relationship and feelings but yet I feel like your answer is so personal. Some of the advice you are giving applies personally to your situation that is all I am trying to say, even though I think you are not trying to do that I just wanted to point it out.

cutiepi92's avatar

@nofurbelowsbatgirl no I can see what you mean and you are right, I give/gave advice based on my own experience. But then again don’t most people? lol It’s based off my own situation, but I guess I assumed giving my own situation and what I got from it could help at least a little bit, even if it isn’t exactly the same. I suppose I just saw everyone giving very very similar answers and wanted to show that there are other ways of dealing with it (as I have).

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

@cutiepi92 Again, it’s not specifically your advice. I just am pointing out that you were contradicting yourself by starting off your comment by saying that “people don’t consider the individual relationship.”

I’m not sure how anyone else feels, but I’m sorry I just find that a little insensitive.

Because immediately after saying so you go into a personal individual account of a relationship as your advice as if your experience means so much more than any other jelly’s comment and right after you just said that “you hate when people say to just move on”. So to me it seems like you are taking a jelly’s advice who took the time to answer the question and backhanding them as you think your specific advice is much better.

It seems kind of ignorant and insensitive and I just wanted to point that out to you, just be careful what you say is all. ;)

Tina823's avatar

All feelings you have experienced, take a breath and the odd thing would get through.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

@LuckyGuy Yes, it is the same guy. I’ve read through your list of things that you happened to mention about him. Coming to think of it, I guess some of the things I wrote were done out of anger and especially the ‘manipulative’ part. He isn’t manipulative, he’s actually very loving and respecting.

Although I feel like these 7 months were worth it. I’m now seeing my flows and allowing myself to admit them instead of being a little brat about everything. We’ve seen a therapist and we’ve both come to realise a lot of things that we didn’t know about the other. Mostly our feelings when one did this or said that to the other, I for instance didn’t know how how hurt he was till we saw a therapist.

I thank everyone for the advice but I feel like I can’t just let our 7 months go to waste and we’ve decided to reconsile and work on our relationship for the better.

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