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Hawaii_Jake's avatar

How do I cope with the death of a former lover?

Asked by Hawaii_Jake (32457points) April 16th, 2013

He killed himself yesterday, and I just found out.

Yes, we were still friends.

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18 Answers

janbb's avatar

You grieve the loss of a good friend, be very gentle with yourself and accept all the love and comfort you can from real friends and Jelly friends.

Bellatrix's avatar

I’m so sorry to hear your news @Hawaii_Jake. I think you cope in the way you would when you lose anyone you love. Take time and know it will hurt for quite a while and perhaps a long while. Share your feelings with others who know him (or who don’t if it helps). Go to his funeral and/or honour his life in some way that’s meaningful to you and hopefully would be to him. And take care of you!

If we can help, let us know. Hugs!

marinelife's avatar

Ah, Jake, I am so sorry for your loss. There is no magic formula. Only time can bring a sense of perspective and distance from the pain. If you can, remember the good things about him and your relationship as both lovers and friends.

Give yourself lots of self-care as you grieve. Thinking of you at this time. Hugs.

chyna's avatar

I am so sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}}
Death is very hard to deal with in itself, but I personally think suicide is even harder to understand and deal with. I know this from experience. My only advice is if you feel like you can’t deal with this on your own, seek help. I didn’t and it took much longer for me to get through a very bad time in my life than it should have.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

You grieve, you remember the good times, and you wait for time to slowly create a bandaid over the hurt. I’m sorry for your pain. (((HUGS)))

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Oh, Jake! How awful for you. If you were close with his family, get together with them to celebrate and honour his life. Do the same with friends of his. I know that there could be complications with suggestions in the case of some same-sex relationships. Like others have said, avoid being alone. Share the grieving with those who knew and cared about him. If you want to discuss it privately, you know how to reach me.

hearkat's avatar

My ex-husband died from alcohol/drug abuse a couple years after we split up. I was very broken up about it, because it was so tragic.

Your grief, even though your involvement was no longer romantic, is still entirely valid. You shared a special time with that person and knew him very well. Allow yourself to feel the entire myriad of emotions that will surface – ranging from sadness to anger and maybe even relief (if there were any lingering conflicts between you, or even just if you were aware of his inner turmoil and are comforted to know that he’s at peace now).

Listen to music that reminds you of him or other activities to help you celebrate his contribution to your world. Journal about your feelings and your memories and the finality of letting go of any romantic notions now that he’s gone.

If you are on good terms with those who will be handling the arrangements, reach out and offer to help if you feel compelled to do so. If there is any awkwardness around your relationship with others who might be there, be prepared to set it aside and focus on honoring him and what he’d have wanted.

Kardamom's avatar

Oh dear, I am so sorry. The only thing you can do is grieve for him in the same way that you would for any other friend. Be with people that love and care about you, take things one day at a time. Take time for yourself. If you knew and liked (and were known and liked) by his family members, reach out to them. If that was not the case, maybe make a donation to his favorite cause or make a little homemade memorial to him, in a way that would matter to both you and him. Again, so sorry for your loss.

rooeytoo's avatar

Feel your feelings. You know the drill, feelings are neither good or bad, they are just feelings and they do pass eventually. Life just is hard sometimes. I have lost 2 I loved because of suicide, I don’t think I will ever understand but I have come to accept. They did it their way, regardless of their reasons and whether I agree the reasons were sufficient. Bottom line though it is never easy. Sorry Jake, take care of yourself.

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

I am sorry for your loss @Hawaii_Jake xx.

You can grieve however you need to grieve. Grieving is so individual no one can tell you how to cope. However we can help you through it but we can’t tell you what is right or what is wrong. It is so personal. If you need to cry for 3 weeks straight, do it. If you are angry, be angry.

Just know that if you need to talk about your friend or even rant heck send me a pm if you’d like, I will listen anytime. I am totally paying this forward and I want to try to help you cope with the loss if thats what you need from me. :)

Sunny2's avatar

I experienced the same thing and shared your sudden astonished pain. It was the first time I realized that grief could cause physical pain. Take time to do nothing but look at the sky and let the pain course through you. Listen to music. Meet with mutual friends and talk. Keep him in your memory as long as you can. He was a part of your life and you, part of his. The sadness will eventually pass. Keep the joy you knew with him, and smile in his memory. Peace to you both.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Sorry buddy, so so sorry.

flutherother's avatar

You ask the hardest questions. I am very sorry to hear this @Hawaii_Jake Talk about him, write about him and never forget.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Sorry to hear of your loss of a good friend/lover.
But if I was in this same situation I would wonder “Why” this person felt that that was the only way to deal with his inner pain?
Understanding the ‘Why” of it helps everyone to understand where he was coming from.
Hopefully he had someone to talk to, before this happened?
It also might effect an awarness in you now where you will be able to help someone before they get to that point?
One never knows when the slighest acknowledgement or smile could prevent someone from taking his life.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Thank you, jelly friends. I am doing much better than I imagined I would be at this point.

I’ve had 2 sessions with my therapist. I’ve talked in depth to 2 very close friends. I’ve written a lot about it. Asking these questions here on Fluther and getting these great replies has helped tremendously.

I’m still angry at what has happened, but I’m feeling an odd calm this evening. I think I’ll latch on to that calm.

Again, mahalo.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Glad that you are coping with the loss and after effects.
Take Care.

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kritiper's avatar

Give it time, give it time…

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