Is a married man (my friends with benefits) in love with me?

Yes, I think it is possible that he is in love with you. It is rather unrealistic that you can have sex with each other regularly for a period of two years and not to feel some kind of a loving connection. But really, what difference does it make? Will it make cause you to stop screwing him?

…and whether you need it or not. It is wrong to be sleeping with another woman’s husband.

A relationship that begins in deceit is doomed to cause pain. It’s hard to tell what the feelings are but even if he left his wife to be full time with you could you ever really trust that he wouldn’t have another hottie on the side?

Yes I know it’s wrong and I definitely don’t want to break up his marriage. I don’t want us to be together like that. In the beginning I thought it was just a few times and that was it. He told me all the times he ended things was because his feelings for me were out of control. I just don’t want him to leave his wife. The sex is so good it’s hard to leave he has said the same thing. One day it was snowing and he says I would love to have my arms around you right now. He says I think of you all the time. What does that mean?

Perhaps. Or he could be playing you just like he’s been playing his poor wife for the last 2 years. Manipulative men are good at that.

Even if he is in love with you, what difference does it make? If he wanted to leave his wife for you, he would’ve done it already.

It means, and excuse me for being so blunt, but it means he likes f-ing you. Nothing more, nothing less.

I really don’t think LOVE is so self serving. He’s a man whore. That’s all.

We have friends in common and they all say he is falling in love. Yes at first it was just sex but now it’s turned into more. It’s in his heart now and he can’t get away. They say he wants to get away but can’t and the guy says I can get away I just don’t want to.

Then you’re a selfish edit: person too.

If you’re lucky, he’s fallen in love with you and maybe will leave his wife to marry you some day. ...and then you can look forward to him cheating on your marriage together and lying to you, because that’s the kind of guy he is. Any man that is capable of lying to his wife for 2 years is a real piece of shit of a human being (it sounds like you deserve each other).

@Tina57, first @livelaughlove21 makes a great point. Dude is obviously a manipulator. Is he falling in love or just trying to keep his f-buddy on the line?

Second, @Judi hits the nail right on the head. You are both incredibly selfish. You want to be with him but don’t want to be with him like that. What does that even mean?

If you “can get away”, you should. His wife doesn’t deserve this. If you were in love with this man how would you feel if he had a friend with benefits on the side? End it, just be done, nothing good can come from this. Believe that you are better than to be forced to sleep with someone else’s spouse.

Is this some kind of a joke or something?

You said that you don’t want to wreck this man’s marriage, and that you thought you were only going to sleep with him a couple of times. The minute you let this man’s Willy into your House of V, you wrecked their marriage. And don’t let yourself fool yourself into believing that “It just happened.” Unless you were drugged or unconscious, and in that case it would be rape, both of you went into this unfortunate arrangement knowing exactly what it would entail. It’s like pricking a pin into a balloon, it only takes one prick, not a thousand, to pop the balloon.

Unless the man and his wife and you (all three of you, not just him) have agreed to be in an open marriage, then you know and he knows (and maybe his wife knows, but probably not) that this situation is wrong.

He can, indeed, end his marriage. All he has to do is file for divorce, then you two lovebirds wait until the divorce is final, and then re-connect. He has already told you that he doesn’t want to get a divorce.

He said, “He says I think of you all the time.” What does that mean? It means that he probably still loves his wife (or her money, or the fact that she most likely cleans his house and takes care of their kids) and that he like f*cking you. His wife either doesn’t know that he’s having an affair, or she doesn’t know what to do, to get him to stop. You’re not putting up much of a fuss, you just come a f*cking whenever he calls you to him, so this guy has a great situation for himself. If you don’t mind that you are, indeed, ruining his wife’s marriage, then keep on f*ckin’, oops, I mean truckin’!

If you want to have some semblance of doing the “right thing” (that has different meanings to different people) then you let Casanova know that you don’t wish to wreck his marriage and you either break it off immediately, or you let him know that you expect him to start divorce proceedings immediately (then wait to continue your “relationship” until after his divorce is final, even if it takes a year or more, because if he really wants you, he can wait, and so can you).

In the meantime, buy yourself a vibrator.

@Kardamom “It only takes one prick” works on so many levels!

Hey, welcome to Fluther.
Does it matter if he is in love with you, if he’s not going to leave his wife, and you also don’t want him to?
I guess you could just ask him up front… but you can’t expect him to tell you the truth.

It’s sounds to me like you’re trying to make an excuse or a reason why it would be okay to sleep with a married man. You ask if he’s falling in love with you, what does he do to prove his love? Have sex with you and cheat on his wife? You say you know it’s wrong, well if its wrong then don’t do it. Any person can realize it, but it takes a mature person to take action. Plain and simple. My guess is you love him, your just making excuses to why it is okay.

How ‘bout we ask his wife?

Sure, it’s possible that he’s in love with you. It is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time. But I would be cautious about taking him too seriously. He’s married – he can say anything he likes to you, and feel safe about not having to follow through with a real commitment. Whereas if you were just dating, he might be more conscious about using romantic language, because it might lead you to have specific expectations about your future together.

Let’s call a spade a spade here: if he’s in love with anything, it’s the free ATM machine between your legs.

Now, now people, don’t be so hasty…you heard the woman. She can’t leave the cheating prick. The sex is just so good it overrides any pain he may be causing his family by lying and cheating like the worthless bastard he is. It’s so damn good, in fact, that it’s worth being seen by others as a selfish, conniving, or downright bad person.

I’m sorry, but no sex is that good.

Wow, he sends you text messages? AND he has sex with you? He’s definitely in love with you. Head over heels.

It doesn’t matter how he is feeling. He is taken.

You should break it off until he is free. That is how you will know if cares for you.

If he is willing to end his current relationship to be with you, he loves you.

He might be in love with you but it’s probably the convenience and illicit hotness that he’s enamored with- what are you getting from him? He should be paying your rent or uni fees. That way, when you meet someone that is available and it ends, you will have got something and so will he.

All signs point to no.

I’ve thought about this. He might love her. Who knows? Who is to say that she is any worse than anyone else for loving someone already married. Not me. Don’t waste one minute of one day. Tell him you love him and ask him if he loves you. Life is short and the older you get the faster it goes by. Don’t waste one more minute of your time with someone who doesn’t love you as strongly as you love them. Be good to yourself!

Quick reminder to everyone: it’s not wrong to sleep with a married man. It’s wrong to sleep with a married man without his wife’s permission. That’s the difference between sexual openness and sexual dishonesty.

It’s wrong to sleep with MY married man! That would be a deal breaker for our marriage!

@Judi Well, I certainly didn’t mean to imply that anyone had a duty to give permission. I just meant that we shouldn’t assume that one relationship model applies to all people.

The only person that can answer that is him. Two questions for you:
1.) When he asked, “What are we doing here?”, how did you respond?
2.) What do you want from this relationship? Is it the same thing that he wants?

It sounds like it’s time to talk through this, especially since your feelings have gone from FWB status to thinking that you are in love with him. You have a right to know if this is status quo or if there is potential for a future with him, if that is what you want.

@Savoire_Faire I think that, if the wife knew and was fine with it, the OP would’ve already told us that.

I think you must have a weird definition of love, if you’re wondering if this is, what he is falling into…

@livelaughlove21 I’m not saying otherwise. My comment was simply a reminder of the dangers of making unqualified condemnations.

Wow…a lot of comments on this one (not surprisingly).....my favorite would have to be @livelaughlove21. That person nailed it on the head in my opinion…..

I don’t mean to be rude, but years ago I was in your position.

I never intended to fall for my married friend, but I did. In the beginning, it was exciting. He was chasing me instead of his wife. He wanted me. I felt wanted and loved. But as time went on, it became the other way around. It felt like I was chasing him. This type of relationship is toxic.

While you’re waiting for his text at night, he is in bed with her not you. No matter how good the sex is, you will always be alone. No woman will want to live the rest of their life like this.

I know it’s not easy, but you are strong enough to walk away from it now. Because at the end of the day, he cheated on his wife. He broke his marital vows. So who are you? If he can do it to her, what stops him from doing it to you? I am not saying he doesn’t love you. He could. But is it enough to live the rest of your life with breadcrumbs?

I am sure you are a beautiful, strong, independent woman. You deserve better. If he loves you, he will do the right thing and marry you and not keep you as a dirty little secret he has to hide.

I wish you all the best. At the end of the day, the choice is yours.