Sigh more drama help?

You don’t feel better because he has come back into your life and is trying to reconnect. And you have tried to “stay friends”, but you need to disengage. Quit responding to texts, don’t answer when he calls, and tell him to quit bugging you. You need to stay apart from him.

And meanwhile you are not committed to exploring a new relationship. So somewhere in the back of your mind is the desire to get back together with your ex, all the while knowing he is embroiled with his current wife.

You are in a mess in which you have helped create. You need to cut off the contact or else accept that you will have drama and turmoil for a long time. Your choice, choose which you want.

A year from now, we’ll all have a good laugh about this. Enjoy it while you can.

First things first: Have you made it completely clear to both the ex and the friend that you are not in any way interested in reuniting with the ex? Do you doubt yourself or your resolve? As long as you are clear about what you want (and don’t want) in your own mind and have conveyed that to both of these people, try to put your mind at ease.

Next: If the ex doesn’t seem to get it and/or friend doesn’t believe it, you will have to take some steps. You won’t be able to remain friends with the ex if he persists in trying to be closer than you are comfortable with, and you will have to let the friend know that you’ve cut the ex off.

Finally: You’re interested in this friend. Friend seems to return your interest, if s/he is concerned enough to say they’d move away if you end up back with the ex. Act on this, girlie! Don’t hesitate.

Don’t .. please don’t…. Don’t sleep with him. Don’t become an “any port in the storm” outlet for him.
You broke up for a reason. Think about why you did.

It seems to me you are too emotionally fragile to hold off being very truthful with these people. Make it totally clear you aren’t interesting in renewing things with your ex. Don’t even open that door a little. I’d keep contact to a minimum until you feel strong enough to deal with it.

With the ‘friend’ perhaps it’s time to be honest about your feelings? When they say ‘if nothing changes’ what does that mean? Do they mean they want more and they’ll move on if things continue with your ex or if you’re both only friends in 18 months they’ll move on? Sounds like it’s time for some straight talking – even if you do tell them you want to take things slow so you don’t increase your own anxiety.

Take out a sheet of paper (or a note taking app on your computer or phone) and list all of the reasons why the two of you are exes to begin with.

Read this through as often as necessary until you can grow enough spine to tell him directly that you do NOT want to get back together and he should stop contacting you in any form.

Keep reading through this list however many times a day is necessary for you to stick to your resolve. Even if it’s every 10 minutes, just keep it up until the urge passes. Do not respond to any of his overtures.

Keep reminding yourself of all the reason for the breakup. Repeat as often as needed.

Be leery of anybody who is on the rebound.

Shoot, I don’t know why you wouldn’t give things a try with the friend. Unless you’ve lost interest, that seems to be the clear choice.

The Ex… is ex. Don’t let anyone else influence your decision to keep it that way.

Your ex’s reappearance is stirring up feelings. He is right. His marriage isn’t over. He is not really emotionally available. Do not go there yourself. Why not tell the friend how you feel? You can’t hurt anything if he is leaving anyway and you might be pleasantly surprised.

It sounds to me as if he hasn’t really thought about ‘you’ in this whole equation. More about him. This is evident in how he rang up your friend and made those assumptions. Which is out of line really. Was he always so disregarding of your feelings? Maybe consider that before opening a can of worms?

@zenvelo Wow that answer brought me down to earth quickly. I appreciate your answer and have no interest in drama or self inflicted trauma.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Hopeful and most likely yes. Whatever choice I make doesn’t exactly bring in the same future place, no? Nice to get some perspective, though.

@augustlan I slightly do doubt my resolve. He was and is a good friend with a mutual sexual attraction that despite years together though it waxed and waned was still strong. Distance has allowed us keep things where they should be. Now my safety net is gone.

Steps, boundaries sound good. Historically not a strong suit esp with him. We do share a lot of common friends and acquaintances so we will end up spending time together whether I intend to or not. Worse we have instant camraderie. I just have to remember past is the past and that is where I want it to stay.

Actually I have no idea if my best friend is interested. He said was leaving in the next 18 mon. if things don’t change. When asked what “things” was work and then evasiveness. He never makes the moves on women they pursue him and he is not interested in most white women. Things were going through a good phase when ex gave the news. I have come to realize how much I value him and what integral part of my life he is. Now with him so focused on my ex it just feels like bad timing to bring anything up.

@LuckyGuy Thanks for breaking it down so simply. Everything else is distraction. Truth is sex with ex couldn’t be just sex for me. I hadn’t thought about it so clearly.

@Bellatrix Good ideas. Though the whole thing about being fragile strikes me as odd. Honesty is good. So is slowness. I feel like I may be risking how comfortable my friendship with best friend by being honest with him. I have told ex that I am interested in my other friend. He is supportive of that but is sex deprived so he brings up sex in conversations in assorted ways.

@Buttonstc Yes we did break up for a reason. I have never gone back to an ex for those purposes. I just need to remember to keep everything bottom lined and not on extraneous details. Writing and repetition should help.

@jca I am always saying that very thing myself.

@glacial True I think I feel like I have everything to lose but I don’t know why and it absolutely feels melodramatic which isn’t me.

@marinelife If I tell him now it feels like it could be read as a reaction to the ex returning and now him leaving rather then genuine emotion.

@LornaLove He’s judgemental but he came into my life shortly after I broke up with my ex. He was also getting over from a relationship. So being that I really haven’t had a serious relationship since he is basing assumptions on the predictablness of human nature and my past pain.

His predictions are about 85% accurate when it comes to other people. He tells me he wants to be wrong, because the majority are jaded. But yeah it indicates lack of faith in me.

Which leads me to conclude he has a low opinion of me though he denies it. Which gives me second thoughts about whether or not risking getting involved is wise. When I need a little extra support on this he is standing in the wrong corner mocking me and my resolve.

Well I feel a reasonably more thought out about this and have some good ideas. Thank you.

Something I read a long time ago but it has stuck with me for all these years. It is kind of crude but the poster said:

“If you can’t fuck a friend, who can you fuck?”

I interpreted this to mean a lot more than just the sexual implications.

Something to think about.

@rojo I don’t know what that means. Maybe I need some context.

@rosehips “my best friend has made all these ridiculous predictions of how within two years we will be back together. This friend is one I have had an off and on again crush for a coupla years but never wanted to express it. I am not certain and don’t want to risk friendship. So he simultaneously told me he is moving in 18 months if nothing changes.”

What I was getting at was that maybe you should follow up your crush. I understand your responses above, and that we cannot know all the intricacies of the relationship but perhaps his prediction and talk of leaving is an attempt to get you to look in his direction and move toward a more serious relationship with him.

Only you can decide which path to take, and which one leads to your happiness. I hope you find it whichever you choose. Live with no regrets!

Thank you