What Does It Mean to Love Yourself?

I have a problem with this too, but not as much as i used to.Loving one’s self mean loving all about you and accepting who you are and the best of you.

When you love yourself you treat yourself with respect and love, you don’t harm yourself, you don’t put yourself second to others, you do what is in your best interest to make you happy. But it is not narcissism, it is mature love and respect to treat yourself as an equal in society.

Here’s an exercise: Every morning for a month, a full 30 days, stand and look in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes, and say “I Love You. I Love You. I Love you.” 15 times in all.

It’s awkward as hell for the first week or two, but do it anyway. It will feel great at the end of the month. If you enjoy it keep doing it. It will brighten you up and make you think for your own best being.

Can you look in the mirror and like what you see? Does the voice you hear in your head usually say good things or is it always nagging and criticising? For instance, ‘you’re too fat’ or ‘you can’t do that’ or ‘now you look like a fool’. I think women especially tend to be very negative. They lack self-esteem and self-worth. Not all women of course, but many of us don’t love ourselves enough.

When she asked do you love yourself, she’s talking about seeing your own value and preciousness. Not being egotistical, but just knowing you’re a valuable, lovable person worthy of happiness and being loved.

My psychiatrist has never asked me this in six + plus years and I agree it is a bullshit question.

I’m not really sure what you could say to answer it. I would make a masturbation joke but beyond that it seems like bullshit.

My therapist asks me this a lot too. I think it’s a shit question. I just don’t see how anyone can stand in the mirror and think they are great. I am not vain. I do not constantly look at myself and think how great I look. I wouldn’t like to be one of those women that loved themselves either.

darn, @johnpowell beat me to it… no pun intended

Good point, Bellatrix, relative to women probably being more emotionally vulnerable than men are (generally speaking).

It has been said that if you are a guest for a dinner at someone’s home and ask, “Where did you get this steak ?”, the woman will ask, “Why ? Is there something wrong with it ?”

The man will answer, “At Safeway”.
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More or less what @Bellatrix said, it’s all about being comfortable in your own skin.

@Headhurts it’s not about being vain and looking at yourself and thinking ‘I am so hot!’ It’s about looking in the mirror and not just seeing your flaws. You see yourself and you’re happy with yourself. Sure you might be carrying too many pounds, or your hair might have a bit of grey or perhaps you’ve got a few more wrinkles, but you still like the person staring back at you. You don’t just see faults.

As @OneBadApple suggests, men are less prone to being so self-critical as women. As my husband just said ‘we don’t give a shit’. They might be looking a bit older but it doesn’t mean they aren’t doing okay and worthwhile. Or as @ucme said, they’re comfortable in their skin.

The trouble for women is that unless they can love themselves, how can they really expect other people to love them. Who wants to be with someone who is constantly saying how awful they are or how ugly or fat or dumb they are.

I’ve never understood the mindset where people are only to willing to point out their faults/failings & yet find it impossible to focus on their successes/positive traits, finding the right balance is always the right way to go.

I can only answer this question based on my personal experience. For me, self-love has been the holy grail of my life. I was filled with self-loathing and self-pity from sexual abuse and emotional neglect in childhood. I hated what I saw in the mirror and spent hours staring into it trying to get my makeup and hair perfect, so I could hide the misery within and be “presentable”. I was so self-conscious in social environments – literally a wallflower on the edges of the room, scared to move – and very awkward when approached.

At around 40, after a couple failed relationships (one a marriage, one co-habitation of several years) and a few decades of drama which included a serious suicide attempt and various talk and medication therapies, I was talking to a guy via an online dating site, and he asked me what I saw in the mirror. I honestly hadn’t contemplated it before, and burst into tears as I responded, “Damaged goods”. It was a turning point for me to realize that I saw myself as discarded trash.

From that time, I worked to pay more attention to the positive things within myself and in the world around me. Around that same time, I was on Yahoo Answers Beta, and a young girl who had been sexually abused asked a question about it, and I told her that she did not ask for, nor did she deserve to be treated the way she had been. These were words that I had never heard, and saying them to her was like telling it to myself, as well. I realized that in had been trapped in the victim mindset, and was allowing my perpetrator to continue to ruin my life by repeatedly abusing myself with negativity.

This revelation made me angry with myself – to think of the thirty years wasted, the irreparable damage I did to my son through my erratic and irrational behaviors and poor relationship choices. So the first step was self-forgive for all the stupid and irresponsible things I had done. I also considered all the choices I had made wisely, such as making myself go back to college after dropping out for a couple years, and exploring my options until I found a vocation that I truly felt comfortable with. This brought me to the next step of self-acceptance.

The next challenge was in putting myself out there… liking who I am enough to imagine that other people might also like me. I got the iPhone when it first came out and I joined an iPhone social network and the community here at Fluther at about the same time. It took me a while to open up, but once I did, I found people who seemed to be ok with me and my ideas. A couple months later, I had a run-in with my perpetrator that really shook me up. I decided to write about it and post it to that iPhone community, baring a raw wound to a bunch of virtual strangers is something I never thought I’d do, but I felt compelled to put it out there. The response was very warm and genuine; others shared their own personal experiences – some publicly in comments, and others via private messages. I was not alone, I was OK just the way I am.

The final test was in a romantic relationship. I met and dated some guys via online dating sites – again, something that would have been disastrous with a fragile ego like I once had. But I consciously prepared myself to be rejected and to do the rejecting—I didn’t have to settle for just anyone who was willing to settle for me. I met one guy who swept me off my feet… however, he ran hot and cold, and was rather erratic. When things were good, they were awesome because we felt so natural together. He’d ask me to move in, then break up with me, then ask me for another chance. This went on for about a year, and one thing that struck me was that although it was upsetting, I wasn’t distraught or desperate the way I had been in prior relationships. I no longer felt the constant empty hollow space within me that had always been there, whether I was alone or in a lover’s arms. I tried to make it work because I believed we were good together – not out of a sense of neediness, and I didn’t revert to my martyrous habits (is that a word?). I never felt like my world was ending if he didn’t want me, or that his rejection meant that I truly was a useless lump of flesh as I had once believed. This was when I knew that I now love myself.

It’s over three years since that relationship finally ended. I told him – and I believed it – that if he wasn’t able to appreciate and reciprocate the unconditional love I have to offer, I would find someone who does; and I have! Life isn’t perfect, but even in the crappy times, I am filled with the sense that I’ll be OK no matter what. This, for me, is what it means to love myself.

heartkat, I seldom read very lengthy posts, but yours is interesting, intelligent, and life-affirming. One of the biggest mistakes that most of us make is to allow our happiness to grow (or not grow) based on what others think and do. It took a while for you to figure it out, but at least you did. As you know, many people never do.

So, congratulations, young lady.

P.S. ‘Martyrous’ is not a word…..but perhaps it should be….
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My therapist has never talked to me about loving myself, but does want me to not dwell on my ‘used to could’ and revel instead of my ‘still can’s’ and be happy in those. Problem is one list is so much longer than the other. :) That’s where the medication and the booze help.

During the five years when I also saw a psychiatrist who did psychotherapy, he never asked me that or used that kind of language. We used to joke occasionally about psychobabble or the latest buzz phrases.

He pursued a more subtle approach, one that I would have trouble codifying, but by the end of the therapy I trusted myself, my feelings, my decisions and my ability to function comfortably. He did allow us to talk about “to thine own self, be true” however, which helps me navigate my life, in all its complexity (or seen from another angle, its simplicity.

I just want to add this. I know there is a bunch of people reading this and thinking that the people using “mental health professionals” are weak or some other nonsense.

I use one because I like to vent to someone that doesn’t really care as long as the check clears. And they can offer insight on occasion in a impartial manner.

@OneBadApple I would say Walmart. Then they might be thrown off.

@hearkat Wow.. thank you for sharing that.. what a truly uphill battle. And you’ve overcome it all very bravely! You sound like a wonderful person.

I just worry because the relationship you described is what my best friend has been going through for 3 yrs now (on / off). Obviously we all try to get her to break up with this guy. It’s hot and cold with him too.. moving in one minute, not wanting to see her the next, to insulting, being verbally and emotionally abusive. Then coming back crawling. This guy has serious mental issues with depression and she thinks bi-polar disorder too. Unfortunately, she still wants to play the role of therapist vs girlfriend and isn’t going to ever see the truth. She has that kind of martyr attitude, I think, you’ve described (would give her life for him). I think she needs to do what you did, and I applaud you very much!

My history is a bit like @hearkat.‘s In addition to what she said, when I came to my senses, I went to each of my kids (some of whom were out of the house by that time) and apologized. I explained about all the changes I’d made, and how I was taking responsibility for my part in it. Then I asked them to do the same, because I didn’t want them to spend their lives as dysfunctionally as mine used to be. I think they heard me.

@sparrowfeed – My last relationship that I described as hot-and-cold didn’t have any abuse, because that was not his nature and I would not have stood for it. However, my previous relationships were classical co-dependent scenarios like that, with jealousy, control issues, and abuse – and I sometimes dished it out, too. And i did tolerate it then, because the martyr “needs to be needed” since they feel that they have little-to-no value other than what they can do for the other, and they like to play the “woe is me” self-pity role, and be praised for being a saint. In my case, being “the strong one” and so focused on helping the other “fix” himself, I diverted attention from my own flaws and faults onto his.

@snowberry – I have also apologized to my son many times. Fortunately, he was in his teens when I started to make changes, and being a true role model for him was a tremendous motivator for me to not revert to the comfort of my old bad habits. Because of that, we are very close now.

@johnpowell – Yes, some people believe that mental health therapy is a sign of weakness. I hope that no one interprets my brief mention of talk therapies and medications that I tried as downplaying their value. I definitely learned that you get out of talk therapy what you put into it. I wasn’t willing to open up to my first therapist, and that attempt got me nowhere. The next time I tried, I did make a commitment to be completely open, and it helped me get through difficult times with my divorce. The next therapy I tried was an alternative technique – I have no idea what it was called – but it was based in the concept of chakras. I don’t believe much in those theories, but the way the system had you break down the negative messages and emotions into little bits and then repeat positive phrases did seem to help me purge and reprogram a bit. My insurance ran out, so I never completed the program. I tried a few different anti-depressants and none of them were especially effective for me. However, I work in health care and I know that every individual responds differently to various chemicals, so just because I never found the right one for me, I do not discourage others from trying them under the guidance of professionals. In hindsight, I realize that a lot of what I did in working on myself is similar to cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which I hadn’t heard of at the time. Therefore, I often recommend people seek it out when their issues are deeply ingrained from childhood, because it goes beyond purging the emotions to helping the person replace their bad habits with healthier habits.

I am also moved by @hearkat‘s story. It raises an interesting point about the relationship between love of self and love of another. Can you truly love someone else if you do not first love yourself? How much can your love for someone else be worth, in your own estimation, if you discount your own value? In any relationship there must be a dynamic balance between devotion to the other and devotion to self.

@LostInParadise – I agree. As long as I deemed myself unworthy of love or happiness, I was unable to accept love from anyone else – I questioned their motivations and assumed I must be useful to them, but that they’d ditch me as soon as someone prettier / skinnier / funnier came along. That is a part of the co-dependency formula… you make it so they need you, claim you’re helping, but sabotage with mind games so they believe they can’t live without you. It is incredibly twisted. We can feel love for others, regardless of how we feel about ourselves, but to be able to give and receive unconditional love, self-love is a crucial ingredient.

@hearkat Sounds a lot like my friend’s attitude; she’ll always talk about how bad the relationship is but won’t end it because there is some sort of bizarre supernatural love for this guy. A load of crock, to be honest. She needs to dump him, if only because he has severe issues that’ll always keep him from being a good boyfriend, husband and maybe even eventually father (shudders at the thought).

It’s not really a two-way street with them, which should be the case in a relationship. It bothers me a lot but we’ve come to just not talk about it. I feel that she will be with this guy until something horrible happens like he’ll cheat.

Who said seeing a therapist means you’re weak? That’s not the case at all. If I had the means I’d see one just to sort out some of my own issues.. I definitely have had problems all my life asserting what I want to my parents, particularly my mom who is controlling. I feel that I let my parents down by getting engaged to someone who is not from my background and that i don’t want to continue being religious or marrying with a religious ceremony. I’ll always feel this ‘guilt’ that I haven’t done what my mom wanted me to do.

But I’m pissed too at the same time, pissed because I know it’s not my fault.

@Onebadapple: women aren’t more emotionally vulnerable than men, and it depends. I guess I am one of those women that just doesn’t care about things like cooking or whatever because I’ve been blessed with a man who provides the food, but I know men really care about other things and are vulnerable. They get very upset if they are not making their wives / girlfriends happy. I know this for a fact. They may not care about little details like where the steak came from, but they care about the bigger picture.

@sparrowfeed Please note that I used the words “probably’ and “generally speaking” in the same sentence….
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