Sure parents should love their children, but should they accept them?

My dad has chosen to disown me because of my choice of partner. So I guess he doesn’t like me very much.

Well yeah, unless you don’t care about a relationship with them. Everyone is free to follow their own path and to blacklist your child for anything short of extremely unhealthy behaviors like drug/alcohol addictions, abusive actions etc. is a set up for misery.
I always told my daughter to not allow others feelings and opinions to effect her life choices. To lay a trip on your child because they are not doing what you think they should with their lives is narcissism at its finest.

@Headhurts No, it really has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his belief systems and lack of desire/motivation to examine them and question his own programming. Not your problem, at all. Sad yes, but….his loss.

@Coloma Thank you. It is very sad. I miss him ery much and have tried on numerous occasions to make contact, but until I break up my relationship, he doesn’t want to know.

@Headhurts I am lucky to be a free spirited type that grew up in the 60’s and 70’s. Maybe those eras combined with my natural personality traits have made things easier for me. My daughter will be 26 this year and at one point she wanted to be a body piercer/tattoo artist. I was all for it but her dad ( my ex now haha ) was Mr. anal, appearances are everything, my kids choices are a reflection on me, type.

Gah!

Hate to tell you but YOU and your opinions, hangups, belong to YOU only and hate to tell you, but…. they are just not that important! Get over yourself.lol

Can they truly be called parents otherwise?

Parents obviously have a right to encourage or even force their beliefs on their children. Parents should respect their child’s interests and support their kid so that they can be confident and find meaning in life. If not, then in the child’s perspective I think that he/she should simply live out the rules of his/her parents until he/she is no longer living with them. It’s hard, however, for a kid to be living with parents whose beliefs differ, so hopefully the child is strong enough to not need his/her parents as a support system. That consequently makes bad parents in my opinion. (It also depends on what we’re talking about, as well. This is pretty general.) Either way, any lack of acceptance should NOT get in the way of a parent’s basic duties.
Once the child is responsible for him/herself, then the parents have no say in what their child does. All the parents can do is agree to disagree. Cutting ties is a harsh ultimatum.

Not accepting your child because of their partner/orientation is ridiculous… But what about a more extreme case? Like if your kid was the Boston Bomber or a serial killer… Or something of that nature. I mean, you can still love your child, but would it be all that far fetched if you didn’t like or accept them if that’s the type of person they are? (Barring legit severe mental illness, of course.)

I think it depends on what kind of acceptance. But it is correct that we rarely accept children who are fundamentally different from our morals. Take a child who is a criminal. There will be certain crimes that we find so vulgar to our own nature that we will have a hard time accepting the child. Murder and rape are usually at the top of the list.
I do not know why you wouldn’t accept a child who is simply different from you in harmless ways. Each child usually has some character connection to their parent. I think some parents hate to see a mirror reflection of themselves if they have a low opinion of themselves.

Both my children have qualities like myself and my husband. Some good, some not so great and some that is very much their own personality. They are both way smarter than either of us but I’m proud of their achievements. I accept the bad with the good because it is what makes them an individual. I did not want carbon copies. They are still young and like myself they will continue to grow and change and correct along the way.

From the beginning of the parent/child relationship, the parent needs to realize they are not a friend to the child, but rather a loving teacher/mentor/guide. We don’t accept the tantrums, self-destructive behavior or anti-social behavior of our children, but we love them and help them develop into responsible adults.

When our children begin to show the ability to understand and accept consequences, parents must learn to be more and more accepting of their choices. We still have to realize that their brains are not fully developed until the late teens. Many parents make the mistake of abandoning their duties before their children are ready.

If you bring another life into the world, that person’s life will
always be your responsibility. No one asked to be born.

If you don’t like or accept the individual that you brought into the world, it is your problem to
solve. You owe that life everything. To go against that fundamental truth is a black mark on you, as a human being.

My bipolar son and I are on a 2 year vacation from each other. He thought I would be upset when he proposed it as part of a program he and his counselor set up. I am happy to have a break from the drama. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him but when he starts attacking me I don’t have to accept it.

@Headhurts. I know nothing about your father, so I can’t guess whether he loves or even likes you. If he does love you, this estrangement must be painful for him.

I can’t imagine anyone being that angry and stubborn, digging in his heels about your relationship and trying to prevent your happiness. You didn’t rob a bank, or molest a child, or commit murder; you fell in love without your father’s approval. Big deal.

@SadieMartinPaul I think it is just plain jealousy on my dads side. When we visited him, he would make sure we sat apart, he would tell me to leave him and move in with himself. I was always a daddy’s girl, so it is quite hard. He attacked my boyfriend that last time I saw him, that was nearly 4 year ago.

My own personal opinion, complete & utter psychobabble, the two are intrinsically intertwined, as a matter of course.

Parents don’t have to love their children nor accept them if the desired outcome is an abysmal failure. What is the desired outcome? Preservation of traits, culture. Parents invest in their kids because they’re preserving their own traits, culture in their children. If the kid deviates, or there is a genetic mutation, or if there is trait, culture mixing, then it is the death of the original preserved traits, culture. End of the bloodline. A genetic dead end. These days, everything is preserved by a dependency on surrogates, technology and artificial insemination. However, dependency already displays weakness. Alternatively, if the child does preserve those traits but one of the parents is unhappy, it is either because the parent hates his own traits which are now passed down to the kid or the parent hates the traits of their partner which may follow with a divorce. There are exception, but as a norm, an intelligent person will find an intelligent mate. A beautiful person with find a beautiful mate. There is a desired outcome.

It seems like many people have kids so they can live out ambitions or relive memories through the children, and that’s a seriously effed-up reason to do so. If the child has differing values from the parent (not including pathological issues), the parent has, as the guide/caregiver/protector, a duty to honor that. It might not be quite as enjoyable as forcing the kid to become a Mini-Me, but an actual grownup shouldn’t have a problem with that.

@Headhurts Are you serious? O_o Is your boyfriend abusive or are you from a super religious background, like Hindu or Muslim?

This is a very quality question, and something that I constantly think about (ironically). I’ll post a few examples that I’ve either personally experienced or seen others go through with their parent/s.

1. A gay kid who is not accepted by their religious parent/s.
2. A kid who doesn’t share their parent/s religious beliefs.
3. The ‘less important’ kid who decides not to join the military though his male siblings did, and it is expected of them to join since they are coming from a military family.
4. The boy who is into academics but not sports, while his father was a prominent sports figure in school, college, etc.
5. The kid who doesn’t get married or start their own family like their siblings did.
6. The kid who doesn’t share their father’s interests.

There are other examples that I can think of, but I’ll stop there. I suppose it is possible to love/care about someone while not accepting the type of person they really are. However there are different types of loves according to some of the spiritual philosophies I’ve read about, and parental love is not considered to be the same thing as what is called true unconditional love, better known as the Divine Love. Unfortunately unconditional love does not truly exist in our world, though many seem to think that it does. It would be beyond words to attempt to write anything more.

Thank you for sharing that talk @ETpro. It was very moving. So many questions here that relate to children and parenting revolve around this idea of being able to accept our children, warts and all, and having the courage and faith to let them be who they are. Thought provoking stuff @ET.

@Headhurts I am sorry you have had to face the pain of parental disconnection. My parents, my father in particular, was of a similar mindset. Not as direct, but I knew I was being disowned. I’m glad you can see past your dad’s blind spot.

@Coloma I’ve dealt with a child who was bipoolar. Before being diagnosed, she was hell to love with. She moved out on her own in a huff, then set fire to the hotel she was living in and was apprehended by the police walking naked down the middle of State St. (the main drag) in Santa Barbara. It was only then that it finally dawned on me that all the grief and insanity she had given us was just that, insanity. Once properly medicated, she was a whole new person. My heart goes out to people whose kids cannot be treated by today’s medicine.

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room Excellent question. Certainly they cannot be called good parents.otherwise.

@dxs Yes, I suppose that the laws of most lands give parents the right to force their worldview on their children, and to curse them or disinherit them if they do not submit. But does that meet the test of the Golden Rule? Maybe it does. Maybe not. It depends on how vital for a good life and survival the worldview with which they wish to inculcate into their children happens to be. In his landmark work, The Prophet, Khalil Gibran wrote:
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

@Pandora You didn’t listen to the TED talk, did you? That’s alright. Based on the answers, I doubt many jellies did. But Andrew talks at some extent about his interviews with the parents of Columbine HS shooter, Dylan Klebold. How’s that for a heinous crime? It’s actually quite interesting what his distraught mother has to say. Of course, she has now had years to think about it.

@YARNLADY Well said for most parents. But there are children who take their hapless parent well outside the confines you lay out. There are the Dylan Klebolds of the world, and my own bipolar daughter who acted out in such incredibly unacceptable ways. What then? What about kids who are waist high but have a normal sized body and legs not much longer than a high-top tennis shoe? How do you deal with having a child you know society will not willingly accept? How do you parent a child society may accept, but your inner workings tell you not to. It isn’t easy.

@tinyfaery Hear, hear! That’s what fatherhood and motherhood is all about.

@Judi As you see above, I’ve been there. My very best wishes to you and to your child. Medication did wonders for my bipolar daughter. I hope your child finds a way to be a productive part of society.

@SadieMartinPaul Indeed, how can anyone be that cold? But this sort of travesty happens all the time. CLearly, some people can be.

@ucme Did you read the posts above yours? Seems to me they aren’t so intrinsically linked and questioning the best way to deal with parenting what you didn’t expect (or even accept, in your heart of hearts) has real merit.

@tomathon Genetic mutations don’t often confer advantages, but they sometimes do. Evolution shows us that genetic mutation is not necessarily the end of a bloodline. It may well be required to preserve it. You cannot move forward by constantly thinking backward. There’s always been a Roman Empire, and so there will always be a Roman Empire. Are the Roman Legions patrolling your streets? They sure aren’t very evident here.

@peridot I heartily agree. Great answer.

@sparrowfeed I have to begin with the caveat that if @Headhurts wants to say MYOB, I’ll certainly understand. But that question is nagging at me too.

@Paradox25 Great answer. And given what people like Dylan Klebold did with all the nurturing their parents poured into them, perhaps there are good reasons pure, unconditional love doesn’t exist on this world. I know you are not a Christian theist, but Divine Love flowing from a deity who has rigged the world every way possible to find some excuse to torture you for all eternity? That is truly funny.

@Bellatrix Yes it is thought provoking. Glad you enjoyed it.

@ETpro The discussion of Dylan Klebold was of particular interest to me. I asked this question in 2011 after Anders Breivik’s shooting spree.

@sparrowfeed My dad attacked my boyfriend.

They should not accept all of their behavior and let them know.

Why did your dad attack him though?

Because he was jealous of my relationship. You see, my previous one was violent and I think my dad liked the fact he was the number 1 man in my life. He still is now though, just different love, obviously.

@Bellatrix Yes, excellent question. I missed it back then, but ducked in yesterday to add a comment.

@mattbrowne & @Headhurts Physical assault is not acceptable behavior, it is criminal. He’ll always be your dad, and his actions may be motivated out of some perverted idea of love for you, but he has big problems.

@ETpro He was drunk at the time. We went over to give him his christmas presents. On driving him back home he started swearing ( which he NEVER does in front of me) and was reaching over the seat to hit him. It was so upsetting.

@Headhurts : sounds like a classic case of momma’s boy… except the other way around!
It’s pretty rare to find that, since women are usually more batsh*t f*&cking crazy than men, but I guess it happens.