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Jess's avatar

Is my girlfriend a sponge?

Asked by Jess (218points) June 19th, 2008

We’ve been together for over 3 years, she’s 21 and I’m 23. I’ve been feeling frustrated because everywhere we go and everything we do, it’s always on my shoulders. She has no car or money or job, and I really hate to sound materialistic but it feels really one-sided sometimes. It’s a 25 minute drive to her house, which is killing me too. Also, it seems sometimes that she kind of just tries to imitate my personality/beliefs but I’d really like her to bring her own stuff to the table…............I don’t know…...

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17 Answers

iCeskate's avatar

tell her the truth then break up!

jlm11f's avatar

I suggest doing something “wild” by talking to her about this. Obviously don’t call her a sponge, but ask her about things that you know she doesn’t know your opinion about. Or just tell her that you want to get to know her and her opinions about things so you would appreciate honesty about things rather than her mimicking your ideas. As for the money aspect, honesty (once agaiN) should do the trick. Tell her gas prices are crazy and you can’t afford your dates or driving to her house all the time. Don’t say it in a “let’s see you contribute” way. WHen you explain your circumstances to her, she, herself should say something along the lines of “how can i help?” or “maybe i should get a job too!”. If she shows no interest in helping out, then there is obviously something wrong and then i would wonder how you guys lasted for 3 years to start with. In this day and age, I find that there is nothing wrong with a girl paying and helping out every now and then, if she has no interest in working so she can meet you more often, then you should wonder whether the relationship is right for you. but not before you talk to her about this first!!

elchoopanebre's avatar

Communication.

beast's avatar

Sounds like parasitism at its best. She is “macking” off of you. Tell her she needs to meet you halfway, and that it is a mutual relationship. If she doesn’t do that, break up with her.

jrpowell's avatar

Tell her you are broke (unexpected medical expense works well). See how she responds. If she bails then she can fuck off. At least she looks bad for breaking up with the poor guy.

If she wants to sort things out you can.

edit :: and I know I suggest lying a lot in relationship questions.

Dog's avatar

If she has no job or car how does she survive? She is living off her parents?

Obviously she is used to being taken care of. First by her parents and she is gearing up for you to take over the role.
Up until now you have allowed it.

Chances are she is not going to change. She is content with her life and is not motivated . It is up to you to decide if you are willing to continue to be her support.

@johnPowell- That is a funny experiment. It would be interesting to see what she would do if her needs were not met.

captaindh00m's avatar

you’re not a jerk for asking what’s up. Even if you suspect she’s just down on her luck, perhaps she needs a slight reminder that relationships are two sided and she needs to give the same way you give to her. Maybe it’s time for her to get a job, even if it’s at McDonald’s.

if you don’t tell her it bugs you or that it concerns you it will never stop. She sounds like she needs to take time and find herself. That journey will be very beneficial for her and as someone who cares for her, you should encourage her to find her way again.

She might leave you for it, but at least you’ve done what’s right.

playthebanjo's avatar

If you think that she is pretending to like your likes, tell her you are into bestiality movies or something that few sane people are into and see if she becomes into them as well. Maybe tell her you are suddenly into bondage? Use This Thread for inspiration

marinelife's avatar

It sounds to me like you may have matured and grown in the relationship while she has not. At 21, she should have all sorts of plans and dreams for her life. Why not have a conversation about what those are and have her go first (so she can’t echo yours). Then if she does express some plans, provide some support her by asking how she will start attaining them.

It also sounds like you have been carrying more than 1/2 the relationship burden. You don’t mention in your question or details if you still care for her and are just worried about these aspects of the relationship or if you are losing feelings for her.

Maybe you need to look at your own plans and goals and see if you want her to continue to be a part of you life. Twenty-three is still awfully young to be tied down to the same person since 20.

Good luck.

marinelife's avatar

@johnpowell I’m really glad you brought your sensitive side to answer this question.

flameboi's avatar

She’s 21, and not running an empire, it has to be on your shoulders… be a gentleman, if you can’t handle it, then find a girl your age, w/job/car/responsibilities and maybe she can live nearby, john’s idea is great, you have to find out if she’s dating you or your wallet/car/lifestyle… been there, done that

jrpowell's avatar

@Marina

I have been used by a girl for my money (I didn’t have much and she had less) and it sucks. It happens and it is best to get the hell away as soon as possible. This question doesn’t need a sensitive side. It needs logic.

marinelife's avatar

@jp OK, that sounds bad. I’m sorry that it happened to you, but lying in a relationship is never a good problem-solving technique.

rockstar's avatar

Sounds like she is living her life through you. I think some space between you to would help her mature and grow into her own identity.

TheHaight's avatar

So… Everyone has left pretty great responses (lurve to you all). What do you want to do? Have you talked to her? Relationships run very smoothly if its 50/50. And after three years of being with my man I’ve come to find out that its pretty equal between us (after tons of communicaton, fights, ups and downs..) the question you need to ask yourself is if she’s worth the effort or not.

scamp's avatar

Tell her how you feel. That’s the best place to start. If you can;t afford to pay for everything, tell her you have to cut back on the things you do until she can help out a bit. if you are feeling used, she needs to know it’s time to make some changes,

BBQsomeCows's avatar

she clearly does not share your values

this is a deal breaker

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