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seekingwolf's avatar

How do my boyfriend and I find couple friends NOT FOR SWINGING?

Asked by seekingwolf (10407points) August 1st, 2013

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years and live together. We both have pretty good jobs (I’m pursuing grad school in the next year and work full time, he has no degree yet but is talented at what he works full time at a nice job). We are 23 (me) and 22 (him).

We both really like having couple friends to hang out, like double dates with another long term couple. It was actually my boyfriend who introduced the idea of couple friends to me. He likes the dynamic a lot and so do I.

We have just one “couple” friend at the moment and they are very broke and struggling and rarely have time to get together.

My boyfriend and I want to meet other couples to hang out with!

My question is, and it’s weird, how does one go about finding other friends like this? WITHOUT sounding like a creepy swinger?

(I feel like I need to add that. Neither of us wants to experiment with others. Gross!)

Most of my coworkers are single moms my age with guy issues or older married people (40+). My boyfriend works with mostly women, 30+, with husbands and kids and very, very busy. Yet some of the couples our age that we know usually aren’t that long term, are always broke, are on/off, or just drink too much/use drugs. My boyfriend and I just don’t drink heavily like we used to in our late teens nor do we like to party.

We kind of want mature couples our age who aren’t always broke, are interesting, and good friends. We like to go to parks, malls, eat out, grill/make food, go on walks, go to music events, go to movies, go on day trips, etc.

I feel really lame for starting a question like this but I’m really wondering!!

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21 Answers

2davidc8's avatar

Best way is to go out there and join a group activity. For example, join a hiking group, a bicycling group, a social dance group, a folk dance group, a church group, etc. Or volunteer at your local theatre, and help put on plays. If you live near a large city, there are groups for every kind of activity imaginable. Where I live, there’s even a group that enjoys kite flying, even bird watching and astronomy, if that’s your thing. Also, don’t forget sports. There are adult leagues in various sports. The main thing is, just get out there, do stuff that you enjoy and meet people. Soon you will meet couples who are at a similar stage in life that you are, and what’s more, you already share an interest in common.
Where to find groups? Check your local newspaper, your local library, bulletin boards at Starbucks, etc. Online, check meetup.com or Yahoo groups.

Unbroken's avatar

Get involved in classes or volunteer for things you are interested in.

Sports, classes, gyms, special interest groups causes. It sounds like ya’ll are a mature couple but what is important to both of you? Would you be willing to try out a cooking class, or get involved with some part of theater? Do you like dancing or want to learn? Maybe a pottery class or learn archery? I’m sure one of you will meet and connect with someone you enjoy and if they have a second half or better yet. They are both present then just invite them to coffee afterward or something etc.

Are you open to going to a “young” church?

_Whitetigress's avatar

I think it’s pretty weird to want to go out and look for it. If it’s doesn’t come naturally it doesn’t come at all, is my motto.

seekingwolf's avatar

Those are some good ideas. I can’t join athletic activities yet because I am almost 300 lb (getting surgery soon) so I’m a little limited right now. I would love to join a skiing club or something in the future, once my weight is down. I am a skilled skier but my boyfriend is new but wants to learn. It would be fun.

Both of us want to go camping. We’ve both been already. It would be cool if we could join up with a group and bring our own tent. We’ve talked about that actually.

My boyfriend and I share many interests. His main interest outside of work is music. He is a talented musician who has been in a few successful bands, has studied music, and has a practice space with instruments to play. He can also write music.

I love to listen to new music and explore but I am not a musician however. I’m more of a scientist I suppose. I have more academic interests and am a bit more “nerdy”. I like discussion groups (so does he). I have volunteered a lot in the past but now that I work full time in a hospital whose clientele can be difficult and mentally draining, the last thing I want to do with my free time is to spend even more time with those same people.

You understand where I’m coming from, right?

Neither of us believe in God or are religious so church probably won’t work. We would be open to joining an atheist group, however. My boyfriend was a UU for a chunk of time and went to that church. We’ve talked about going there again, just to explore, but we are not sure of the social options available there. UUs tend to be young like us.

I don’t know, I guess we both like a lot of different stuff.

We are scheduled to go wine tasting with a friend of mine in Sept who has a boyfriend. The 4 of us seem to click as a group which is good so we’ll see.

I know it seems weird @_Whitrtigress my boyfriend and I have been chided by some of our friends because we usually opt for double dates. My one friend thinks it’s creepy and something older folks do.

We have jived well with most so I know the potential is there. It’s just hard to find long term couples my age. I guess that’s what my question is about. Not to get that arrangement but rather how to meet the people in the first place.

I feel so weird voicing my wants for this. Is it really that weird?

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t think it is weird at all. My husband and I actively seek new connection when we move to a new place. We join a car club. I try to make new friends in my zumba class. I talk to my neighbors. Invite people to go out to dinner. Once you are an adult you have to make the effort. When we are little we are in a classroom with other people our age daily. Our likes and dislikes and life in general is less complex at that age and we bond with our peers more easily.

Joining a group is a good idea. Trying to get to know your neighbors if you haven’t done that yet can work too. In a few years it will get harder as your peer group begins to have children. Unless you plan on having children as well.

In some cities they have organizations called New Neighbors or something similar that is targeted towards people new to the city, but there are always members who have been in it for years. The one in Memphis area had about 25 subgroups like once a month wine tasting parties (mostly couples did that one) knitting, book clubs, dinner out once a month, tennis, and many more.

You don’t really have to meet the people in a couples situation. If you make a new girlfriend and she has an SO, eventually all four can get together.

If you went to college there might be a local alumni group in your area.

You mentioned your weight, what about meeting people in Weight Watchers?

Organize a group to walk in your neighborhood to get some exercise and meet people.

augustlan's avatar

I don’t think it’s weird at all, and I used to really enjoy having “couple friends”. Now I’m a hermit. Joining groups seems like a good way to go.

marinelife's avatar

What do you and your boyfriend like to do? We met two couples volunteering at a local dog park building trails. The friendships have survived us moving cross country.

Consider a meet-up group that engages in activities you like: hiking, etc.

seekingwolf's avatar

I am unable to have children from a medical standpoint but don’t really want them either and my boyfriend feels the same. I know he’ll be able to find guy friends in the future because fatherhood doesn’t seem to consume them and they still make time for friends. Me, I want to try and make more friends now and try to get “established” so to speak so I’m not totally abandoned when I’m older and everyone else has kids. Makes sense?

I wish I had a local alumni chapter! I don’t have one. My college was small and out of state. I am monitoring my weight using a specific bariatric plan with my doctor and surgeon before my surgery so I am not a member of WW.

I went to one surgery support meeting though! I plan to go again but it’s not very social. I go for information.

I’m gonna try to meet new neighbors when we move. We move in a couple weeks. Many of the tenants there are ethnic families who don’t speak much English and there aren’t any common areas, but we’ll see!!

My boyfriend and I are pretty open ended with activities. I used to ski, bike, hike, etc. Now I am more limited (but that’s temporary!!) but I like to walk and I love to swim in pools or a lake. He and I are both pretty low key. We check out local festivals, go to music events, some travel, wine tasting, movies (drive ins too!), historical sites, museums, just plain old exploring. He plays music publicly, jams with people, and writes music. We are good at cooking but we also like eating out at ethnic places.

I guess his interests are less solitary than mine. It has taken me years to really break out of my shell though so I have come a long way.

I’m glad to know you guys don’t think I’m totally weird for wanting this!

glacial's avatar

You might want to try something like meetup.com. Just see what kinds of activities are going on in your area. Regarding the exercise thing, you might be able to find groups who hike or even just walk around your area.

Bill1939's avatar

Consider volunteering. With the economy the way it is, there are plenty of opportunities for community service. Do not exclude church-based programs from consideration. Few proselytize.

Judi's avatar

When hubby and I were first married we found friends in our church. I realize that’s not for everyone.
You might also check out meetup.com. My daughter decided she and her hubby needed friends and made many lifelong friends there. She also had children which created a common denominator.
Do they still have 20–30 clubs? It’s a service organization for people in their 20’s and 30’s. it’s good for networking and friend making.

KNOWITALL's avatar

It’s difficult. Sometimes they don’t come right out and say it. We get the ‘maybe the four of us can go get in the hot tub’, or maybe ‘you two want to come lay on the bed in the bedroom and watch a sexy movie’, talk about gross. Mostly they’re unattractive to us, too, not that we would be interested anyway, but geesh.

I’d say maybe ask if they want to go to a movie and dinner or something, be specific, not leaving the door open to ‘other’ activities. Good luck, if you figure it out, let me know!

Judi's avatar

With my daughter, she became friends with the girl first and they just brought the guys along. A lot of trial and error though because its difficult enough for 2 people to click, even harder for 4.

tranquilsea's avatar

My husband and I have walked through life having single friends, married friends and divorced friends. It can be hard finding a couple who get along well with both of us. So a lot of negotiations go on.

We currently have 5 couples we are friendly with (it’s a record). But we were both fine when we had only single friends.

All the suggestions here have been great ones for widening your friend pool.

JLeslie's avatar

@Judi Often I become girlfriends first, and hope we four will get along. But, I find the statistics are better when the guys are friends first, because I think women bond more easily. Just my experience. My husband is easy going and likes everyone, but for him to really build strong friendships usually he had to do the picking in the first place.

_Whitetigress's avatar

@seekingwolf I have plenty friends, some in relationships some not etc. The reason I say it’s weird because you are seeking a certain type of friendship to fit your guys mold and it’s unfairly exclusive. I’ve had friends in relationship break up and we maintain friendship with both parties.

But it is your preference and I’m not saying “it’s weird” “it’s negative” but it is exclusive.

JLeslie's avatar

@_Whitetigress What does your guys mold mean? What mold?

_Whitetigress's avatar

@JLeslie /the way they shape their lives

JLeslie's avatar

I still don’t get it. Do you mean guys as in both of them as a couple? Or, guy’s as in her SO? I assume you mean as a couple. Why is it odd to seek people who have enough money to join them in activities and people who don’t drink like fishes? Sounds ok to me.

Sunny2's avatar

Try your phone book under Organizations, Social groups, Associations, Clubs and Societies. You may find groups that band together because of common interests. Some are based around raising funds for special interests. You may meet people you both like while working with one of these groups.

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