Social Question

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

When children are concerned is it better to live with a husband/wife or baby-mama, or baby-daddy?

Asked by Hypocrisy_Central (26879points) August 19th, 2013

Disclaimer This question is in the spirit of a child who shares the DNA of both parents. Therefore, it doesn’t directly include those in same-sex marriages because biology doesn’t support it, sorry I did not create the reproduction method. Also, live with does not include marriage for the baby-mama, or baby-daddy, where unwed cohabitation is the controlling situation. Just so we know the foundation less some quip or flippant comment be made out of context.

Are children better off with a spouse you are married to, or one you just live with, even if for the children sake when you do not have love or lost love for the other person; but they just happen to be the other parent. Your interaction with your son, or daughter would be better and smoother, or would there be more parenting conflict if you were not officially united to your spouse? Would you expect that if you were just living together because of the common thread; the child, it would be harder to come together on raising the child? If you were the baby-daddy would you think you would have a harder time pushing your agenda than if you were the baby-mamma?

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16 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I am sorry I am still having difficulty understanding your q – are you asking, given a conflict, is it better to be married to the father or just live with him? Or given no conflict? I’ve done both, the person matters even if they’re not the bio-dad. So, it wouldn’t have worked with my ex-husband, regardless of marital status (in fact, that made it worse) and it worked with my now husband regardless of marital status. The only thing that works better now that he and I are married is health insurance.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir _ is it better to be married to the father or just live with him?_
Being the de facto mom in the relationship (you have the plumbing to push the baby out) if you were not married and he was just the baby-daddy, you could more easily pull up roots and be gone like a chicken through the corn with the child than he. So, to not be married, finances be damned, you would have the better advantage. Being married you have to work together more in child rising because you can’t just take off if you think he is acting like a dickhead. Being the de facto mother, do you think if you really wanted to control his access to the child you would be more successful than he, or he just being the baby’s father but not your husband give him even footing or an advantage?

(note, de facto mom, because you can carry the child, gender identity notwithstanding) ;-)

augustlan's avatar

I’m totally confused by this question. Are you asking if the children are better off if their parents are married to each other or if the parents are better off, or…what, exactly?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central Personally, if I wanted to split (and I did), marital status would NOT stand in the way. Sure, it was more complicated and everyone (our families) made a deal out of how I was ‘breaking up a marriage,’ but eff that noise. As for advantage, not sure what you mean since the father can also split/ask for divorce. If I wanted to control access to the child (which I never did, the bio-dad still has unlimited visitation rights, which he doesn’t utilize), marital status would still not be an issue.

filmfann's avatar

The health of the mother/father relationship is so important to the child. The child will recreate this throughout their life.
If the relationship is bad, certainly they should be with just one of the parents.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@augustlan Are you asking if the children are better off if their parents are married to each other or if the parents are better off, or…what, exactly?
In a nutshell is the ability of the parent to parent in a way beneficial to the child better if done with a spouse one is married to or just share the child with. The dynamics change when there is an official marriage in place. The father usually has more rights than if he just provided the DNA but was not married to the woman; in a sense, doesn’t she hold a de facto edge because she birth the child?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir As for advantage, not sure what you mean since the father can also split/ask for divorce.
If he ask for a divorce he has more leverage, if he was never married to her, taking off with the kid would likely trigger Amber Alerts.

augustlan's avatar

It has never entered my mind to think of leverage regarding my children. My ex-husband and I very effectively co-parent our children, and leverage never enters into it. We were good parents while we were married, and we’re still good parents. That’s the factor that matters.

Edit: “Leverage/advantage.”

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central Well, sure, since a parent shouldn’t just take off with the kid. Any parent.

creative1's avatar

I don’t know if I followed it correctly but if your talking about staying in a relationship that is not working just for the sake of the child/ren then no it is not better to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children. A child learns what a relationship is and how to have one from the people in their life (especially from their parents) and if the relationship/s they are witnessing aren’t happy all you are teaching your child/ren is that a relationship good or bad must be kept. So when they get older they will either have relationships like you are describing or none at all because they are afraid of being stuck in it for life.

YARNLADY's avatar

We need some sort of avenue for parents to give their children to people who love children and would raise them properly. The current system of foster homes for pay or parents stuck with children they don’t want doesn’t work.

FutureMemory's avatar

Reading the question and its details made my brain hurt.

cookieman's avatar

@YARNLADY: Amen to that.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I think children are good at telling whether mom and dad (or whomever) are happy. If you both are happy, your children will probably be happy, regardless of marital status.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@FutureMemory I can fix that; aspirin or lobotomy? ROFL ROFL

jca's avatar

Rather a frontal lobotomy or a bottle in front of me? (old joke)

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