Is allowing someone to suffer the consequences of their own action and not doing something about it the same thing as being passive agressive?

If they do not do anything nor think about their doing or not doing anything about ever again, then I wouldn’t call it passive-aggressive. But, if they do not do anything but wonder if they should have or have it all fester inside them and then explode on the person re: a different matter but it’s really about the milk, then yea, that’s pretty passive-aggressive. If it is something that bothers a person but they pretend it doesn’t, that’s kind of how I draw the line.

Wow! Had to read that a few times! I agree. If the 2nd person who isn’t covering for the 1st person is angry inside, and fuming at the other person’s laziness, or whatever then I agree it’s a passive aggressive action. But lets say the 2nd person just shakes their head and walks away and really doesn’t think about it any more. They happen to notice it’s gone a few days later, but couldn’t tell you when the 1st person finally threw it out.

I’d say it would be passive-aggressive to leave him a super nasty note and act pleasant to his face about the situation.

Not necessarily. Some people only seem to learn from making mistakes. My son, for instance, no matter how many times I explained to him that it would be better if he could learn from the mistakes others made he had to do it himself and prove it was.
I was not being passive-aggressive allowing him to learn the way he chose.

@Windmill Then that’s just, you know, letting whatever take its course.

This is not a great example to demonstrate allowing someone to suffer the consequences of their inaction. To the extent it is a shared living space, all the residents suffer. If everyone lets it sit out, all are acting passive-aggressively: the person who left it out and the person who refuses to clean it up.

The person who left it out may be thinking, “Why am I the only one whoever puts it back in the fridge?” while everyone else thinks “will he ever learn to put the milk away?” Meanwhile, the milk spoils and everyone gets to enjoy the smell.

Suffering the consequences is my son, after years of me bugging him to do his homework, flunking out of high school. That’s different from passive-aggressive.

I think the way to make this clearly not passive-aggressive is to verbally communicate. This is what I do with my husband (for example)...

“Honey, I really don’t like it when you use cans of food and don’t rinse them but leave them on the counter. I don’t like cleaning them out, which is why I rinse them right away. The next time you leave them out, even if it is my turn to do the dishes, I am not going to take care of them for you.”

I’m inclined to think if two people living together can’t talk through and work out something like this, they have a problem much worse than spoiled milk, and it doesn’t really matter what you call your or their behavior.

@zenvelo The milk jug is empty. And as long as the cap is still on, you can’t smell it. It’s just unsightly and a little nasty.

In theory, of course being able to “talk things through” would be best, but what if you have learned that to directly address a situation, no matter how small or how large, and no matter HOW you present it, even calmly, will only lead to the first person becoming very angry and making a much bigger deal out of it than it has to be? It’s like they can’t handle even the slightest whiff of criticism or someone else “telling them what to do?” What if “talking things through” is really not an option?

I was prepared to answer the question, but got a little confused in the details (the milk jug example).

If you are talking about natural consequences, I am a huge advocate of this when dealing with children. But the milk scenario with an adult doesn’t seem to be the case. What’s the consequence, here? He simply throws it out now or later.
In this case, it seems that you are unable to communicate how much having an empty milk jug on the counter bothers you. Since it bothers you and doesn’t appear to bother him, he just leaves it there. What type of communication techniques do you try to attempt to get him to throw it away? What is his response?

It seems that someone who leaves a milk jug on the counter simply doesn’t care that it’s there or in the recycling bin. There is nothing inherently wrong with leaving the milk jug there. It’s only a problem if there is someone else in the house who has a problem with it. When you live with people, you need to be able to modify your behaviors and compromise to meet the needs of everyone. If your husband felt strongly that he prefers the empty milk jug to be on the counter, then you two would have to sit down and iron out a compromise. But since he simply doesn’t remember to throw it away, or doesn’t give a shit enough to do so, you two need to be talking about why that is. Letting it sit there for a week before he has to throw it away just makes your life more shitty.

Passive-aggressive would be what my wife does: Make a big production of taking out the recycles why loudly exclaiming “Why am I the only one who takes out the recycles around here” to no-one in particular.
Aggressive-aggressive would be launching them at my head and yelling “Take this crap out!”

It sounds like it’s time to have a “house rules” type of meeting. If this person is sloppy with this, it’s likely they’re sloppy in the bathroom, and other areas, so make sure your house rules include everything. Explain what is expected, and no amount of dodging will be OK with not cleaning up your mess. Explain the consequences (make sure they are ones you can live with).

Then follow through. Photos of the offending behavior might help when it’s time to enforce the consequences.

No need for passive-aggressive behavior in this scenario!

It doesn’t bother me THAT much, @rojo. It’s just tacky and kind of gross. I know we should be talking, but that is not an option. It just isn’t. The slightest whiff of a criticism, or even someone “telling him what to do” just gets nasty. That’s the way it is, so I have to find other ways that won’t end up in a fight.

@snowberry Hey…I’ve lived with the man for 11 years. I know what is and what isn’t. For the most part I manage to work around it.

Anyway, the purpose of this question was not so I could vent about my husband. The question was, “Is this passive aggressive behavior.” I really don’t think it is. If I picked up the jug, walked into the other room and sat it down beside him while he’s watching TV, then walked away, I think THAT would be passive aggressive. Not doing anything is just plain passive, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It does get results.

Hahaha…oh, don’t even get me started about passive aggressive types. Gah….I am assertive/aggressive. Get all passively pissy with me and I will give you a sour milk enema.
Nothing passive about it. haha

Observing from a non-reactive place is not passive aggressive. It only becomes passive aggressive when you decide to play the game of stubborn resistance to direct confrontation.
I’d say, clearly, directly and firmly to the milk cartons owner…
” Please throw this away NOW!”

If they didn’t, I would let them know, in no uncertain terms, that THEIR passive resistance to taking out their own trash was not working for me and they either get their baby shit together or find a new place to live. Don’t play games with Coloma, she WILL nail you to the wall. lol

Well, if I did that @Coloma I’d be playing right into his hands. I don’t know what his deal is, if there was a lot of fighting and yelling when he grew up (I think there was) so that’s his comfort zone, but he almost seems to like confrontation. Angry, REALLY angry confrontation. The shit would totally hit the fan if I did that, and after the screaming died down he’d start doing other annoying shit to “prove” to me that I can’t boss him around. “Nobody tells ME what to do.” I’ve heard that so many times in the past (but not in a few years) It’s ridiculous.

As I said before, we’re pre- retirement so divorce really isn’t an option. I mean, other than this occasional bullshit, we get along just fine. We usually get along better than
“just fine.” It depends on his mood.

I still don’t think my actions in this case were passive aggressive! They were simply passive, no aggression behind it. Just a little frustration, but not enough to blow up a nuclear power plant over.

@Windmill He’s just very emotionally immature, obviously.
That’s his issue, reacting like a baby to anyone he perceives as an authority figure.
Bah….what a PITA!
No, I did not mean to imply you were being PA, not at all.

There does not need to be any screaming and yelling, you can remain calm, state your request and walk away. You only have 2 choices here…confront him or go behind him and pick up his crap like a mommy.

@Windmill You teach people how to treat you. You’ve taught him for a long time that he can get away with treating you like this and he’s learned the lesson well. Teaching him a new lesson may mean you don’t live together anymore. Is it worth it?

Another question for you if you are willing. If he acts like this when you’re well, what will he act like if you get sick? My parents were married for 40 years and during that whole time, my dad was an emotional cripple. He never accepted the fact that she was dying. One day a month before she died, Mom called me and said, “He beats me if I don’t get up and fix him dinner!”

Yes, in many ways he is very immature.

No, @Coloma. I didn’t have only 2 choices. I had a third choice. I choose to ignore it, which I did. Eventually he threw it away. He did it a couple more times after that, I ignored it. After that 3rd time he hasn’t done it again.

Teaching isn’t always about confrontation @snowberry. It can be done many different ways. That may be part of the point of this question, too. Everyone has said I basically only have one option, and that is to calmly (or not so calmly) use my words.. I’m saying that often there is another way that doesn’t use words. Not EVERYthing is conveyed by words.

Your dad sounds like a total asshole, @snowberry.

A couple of years ago I was sick. Very sick. Almost died. My husband was a rock for me. I think he would be pretty devastated if I died, just as I would be if he died, but I don’t think he’d be an emotional cripple. And he sure as fuck wouldn’t beat me for ANY reason, or I’d turn all Coloma on him!

@Windmill The incident I relayed to you was at the end of my mother’s life. For the other 40 years he stayed true to her in spite of the fact that she couldn’t have sex. He was an excellent provider, and sacrificed daily to provide my mother with very expensive health care (she was sick before I was born) until she died. When I didn’t do well in public school, he sacrificed again and sent me to an expensive private school for 8 years. He taught me to ski, and we had lots of great times together. But emotionally mature he was not, and in many ways life for me growing up was like what you describe at your house. We had to be sort of careful not to set him off.

My father was a damaged human being, very much like your man. Both are/were emotional cripples, and neither can/could process strong emotions well. I’m trying to help you understand what you may be facing if for example, you get sick and he has adjust to tremendous loss or otherwise is inconvenienced. His world will be totally different than it is now, and you cannot assume he’ll act predictably.

K. Well, I really can’t respond to a “could be this way” kind of scenario. But I’ll keep it in mind.