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brown_eyed_blonde's avatar

Haven't heard from my boyfriend. Help?

Asked by brown_eyed_blonde (90points) September 10th, 2013 from iPhone

I’ve just returned home from a 10 day girly holiday. I’m disappointed and very upset that I hadn’t heard from my boyfriend the whole time I was away. I’ve been home three days now and I still haven’t heard from him. We’ve been struggling with communication issues recently, and before I went on hol I brought it up to him that I wanted us to communicate more because I felt we were becoming far removed from each others lives and felt we would end up breaking up otherwise. He agreed to try and communicate more… So the fact that he’s not been on touch the whole time I’ve been on holiday makes me even more gutted. I could have died over there and he wouldn’t even know…

I see he’s been very active on social media too and seeing this makes me more upset as it shows he’s had to chance to get in contact but has chose not to. What is the best way for me to handle this! Should I mirror his actions and ignore him too (very hard as it hurts but may be the best thing to do?) or send him a message? (If so what would be the best mature thing to say?)

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30 Answers

jca's avatar

I think I would call him and ask him why I have not heard from him.

This would not have happened to me, because I have never used social media as my sole communication with a boyfriend.

keobooks's avatar

I think he’s trying to subtly make you an ex. Sorry.

hearkat's avatar

You said you wanted to communicate moreā€¦ communication is a two-way interaction. You don’t mention whether you’ve reached out to him over the past two weeks, only that you haven’t heard from him. Have you taken steps to improve communication?

gorillapaws's avatar

I think he’s done you a huge favor: he’s shown that he’s not a good communicator and not committed enough to you to change. Time to move on.

keobooks's avatar

I’m embarrassed to say this, but when I was in my early 20s, this is how I dumped a few guys. They went away for a period of time and I just did not contact them and hope they figured out that I moved on while they were away.

And even worse, I was planning this before they left for their vacation or whatever. It wasn’t like I forgot them because they were gone. I breathed a sigh of relief when I found out they were going and thought I could sneak out of the picture and they wouldn’t be so badly hurt (for some reason—it doesn’t make sense now)

zenvelo's avatar

Yes, he’s pulled an @keobooks and has slipped out of your relationship. But I will ask the same thing as @hearkat, have you reached out to him?

When one goes on a trip, the traveller is the one who should keep in touch with the one at home, even if it is just a postcard or an email at odd hours. It’s not a time for a long conversation, but a little something to let the one at home know you’re thinking of them.

So, tell us, did you stay in touch with him?

livelaughlove21's avatar

I think not hearing from your SO in two weeks is a not-so-subtle hint that he doesn’t want to be your SO anymore.

I wouldn’t send him a message on Facebook or text him. He’s your boyfriend – pick up the phone and call him. But be prepared – you might be getting dumped.

JLeslie's avatar

Did you try to call him? If not, then how are you any better? Maybe you did try, I am not assuming anything. If you don’t call him and he doesn’t call you, pretty much you are breaking up I think. If you have not called him, call him. Maybe you just need to ask him straight out if he wants to break up. He might say yes, so be ready.

elbanditoroso's avatar

He isn’t your boyfriend any more.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

glacial's avatar

You shouldn’t be tiptoeing around trying to figure out how to communicate with your own boyfriend. If talking to him is this uncomfortable, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. Break up with him now, before this begins to seem “normal” to you. You are going to find yourself in much better, happier relationships in the future, believe me!

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
gambitking's avatar

Call him and talk to him. No games playing, ask him straight up what the deal is and prepare to accept the possibility that he’s ready to part ways. Nothing gets accomplished just waiting for him to act on your unspoken expectations.

Coloma's avatar

Actions speak louder than words. You have spoken the words and clearly, he is ignoring you, stubbornly refusing to take your feelings to heart, and possibly also, being a passive aggressive prick.
When you express your needs to someone and they do nothing to SHOW you they heard you, you can take that behavior for what it is….a blatant ” I don;t WANT to give, do, what you ask of me.”

I wouldn’t chase him down and reiterate whats already been said.
His non-verbal, non-communication speaks volumes.
I say leave him alone, do not make contact and let him make a move to connect again.
10 days with no communication is a non-relationship.

jca's avatar

Can the OP come back and clarify and answer questions asked by others, here?

brown_eyed_blonde's avatar

In normal circumstances I would have definitely sent him messages while I was away, however, I didn’t feel it was my place to initiate as I was the one who brought up the communication issues and how much it upset me the day I went on holiday (the last time we spoke) I called him and asked him straight out if he wanted to end things. I was relaxed as possible about it and said if he wanted to end it just be honest so we could both move on. He was like “no, no, I don’t wan’t to end it, not at all”. So I have given him the chance to end it, but he didn’t. I also ended the conversation saying I would miss him and it would be nice to hear off him while I’m away… He agreed to communicate more so I felt it was up to him to send me a message.

Also, I was on holiday without him because we weren’t together when it was booked.

We dated for several months in 2012 and I broke up with him because of our incompatibility (he failed to meet my needs by not communicating with me enough – 3, 4, 5, days would often pass by without me hearing from him) It hurt me to end it but I had to do it for my own sanity.

In June this year we got back together. He got back in touch with me and poured his heart out about how much he missed me and wanted to give it another go. My feelings for him were still as strong as ever so I agreed to try again. However, it seems he hasn’t changed. I’m an independent girl and I love my own company. I would hate to be attached to my phone 24/7. However 3, 4, 5 days without contact is not acceptable IMO.

jca's avatar

It seems you have not yet reached out to him since returning from vacation.

Please keep us updated, if you wish. Good Luck!

The Update Lady

keobooks's avatar

Yuck. Even if he wasn’t planning on ditching you, I’d just not bother with that guy. Consider it a bullet dodged.

zenvelo's avatar

@brown_eyed_blonde Looks like you were breaking up when you left. If you’d had talks like that with me, I would have not responded to you either, I would have figured you called it all off.

jca's avatar

@zenvelo: @brown_eyed_blonde said when she left on vacation, she asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no. Now of course, it’s obvious that his actions speak otherwise, but in response to what you last wrote, he did not figure she called it off. It seems her wishes were clear.

chyna's avatar

I’m confused as to why you didn’t at least send a quick text or email saying “just to let you know I arrived safely.”
Maybe he thinks you are just as guilty of bad communication.
It doesn’t really sound as if you two are compatable though.

jca's avatar

To me, when two people are playing games and “I’m going to let him call me” “I’m going to wait for her to call ME!” then nobody calls anybody and everyone gets pissed or hurt. That’s why games are no good. If you want to talk to someone, call them. If you’re always doing the calling, then there’s an issue. In this case, it may be each person playing “Chicken.”

Coloma's avatar

@jca I agree, however….in this case, she has made her needs and deires clear, and so has he, just not verbally.
If it were me I wouldn’t waste any more time beating my head against this guys wall. lol

jca's avatar

@Coloma: Plus she does not specify what the previous “communication issues” were so perhaps this is more of the same. I would have been done long ago.

Coloma's avatar

@jca Yep, me too, maturity is grand. lol

brown_eyed_blonde's avatar

I have an update…

He still hadn’t replied by the time last night came so I called him. No answer. I called him again. No answer. And again. No answer. I ended up leaving a voicemail which I regretted immediately as I must have sounded pretty upset in it. I was convinced it was over and I went to bed crying.

This morning I received a text from him. He was being really casual. He didn’t mention the voicemail I left, he just said he had a crap day yesterday so ended up having an early night. He apologised for not being on touch while I was on holiday and said he thought he’d leave me to it until I got back… Then he asked if I had a good time…

I’m SO confused. There he is being normal while I’m crying in bed thinking it’s over. I was sure he was going to text me saying it was over or that he had met someone else.

Is this just serious incompatibility?

chyna's avatar

What is it exactly you see in this guy? I think it’s time to move on.

jca's avatar

Really. If this is not ok for you, I’d be done done done.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)

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