My mom creeps out little kids -- including my daughter. How do I deal?

Let someone else tell her. Counseling perhaps? Maybe the 3 of you?

Little kids are like animals sometimes, in that you can’t force them to like you, or to show you affection. It has to be freely given and not solicited…any “unnaturalness” on the part of the adult will be sensed immediately…

Not hugging my gma was not an option. Seems like you should teach your child about love & respecting gma, creepy or not.

Your mom clearly has some mental/emotional issues. Healthy people are open to constructive criticism and feedback about how their behavior is perceived by others.
It’s out of your hands, all you can do is tell her that it is obvious she is not scoring points with the kiddies and that maybe she needs to take an honest look at the results of her behaviors.
Brick walls do not crumble easily.

“Speaking words of wisdom, let it be…”

@snowberry – I don’t think my mom would ever agree to counselling—especially over this. In her mind it’s all my fault so why would she need counselling? That’s how she is.

@Coloma – I wonder what would happen if I did that? I doubt she’d take an honest look at herself. She never has. She lacks meta-awareness, IMO. I’ve never met anyone as smart as she is who was less capable of assessing her personal weaknesses. If she liked to sing, she’d be one of those tone deaf people who thought they were going to win American Idol.

@KNOWITALL – my daughter is only 2. I don’t think it would be possible to force her to hug grandma. And I think forcing her to hug her would make it worse. Now it can pass for shy. If I forced her to hug, she might scream or run away. That would be worse.

@yankeetooter – exactly

@pleiades – probably the best advice. I mostly think I wanted to rant. I get stressed out when she’s nagging me and blaming me for my daughter’s behavior on this.

Sorry @keobooks your mom sounds like a real piece of work.

You’re not going to change who she is so why cause a rift and possibly hurt her feelings or incur her wrath? Your kid is going to have to learn how to deal with all kinds of different people throughout her life. Why not start this lesson with grandma?

@snowberry—HEY! you’re talking about my MOM!

partly kidding—I’m used to her, so piece of work seems a bit extreme. I’ve met people with cruel parents who deliberately screw their kids over. My mom is just neurotic and has some issues. She’s always had good intentions. She’s done the best she could even with her shortcomings.

She’s just TERRIBLE with little kids. Once they get around 8 or so, she’s OK with them. But it’s painful to see her try interact with them. It’s like watching an elephant trying to squeeze into an outhouse. Luckily, she doesn’t like little kids much either—so she stays away from most of them. I think she’s afraid of babies. When the kiddo was first born, she held my daughter as if she were a bomb about to go off at any second.

Also, until recently. my mom kind of steered clear of my daughter. She would come over and find activities at my house to do—cleaning the kitchen or organizing my book shelves. She wouldn’t look or talk directly to my daughter. This is why I think she is naturally nervous around babies – preschoolers. She would constantly do things and just wouldn’t do anything with my daughter. Now she wants hugs and kisses. And sometimes I think she wants them because she wants to “win” at being a grandma. She doesn’t actually want the affection because it feels good. She just wants it to prove to herself she’s a good grandma. She doesn’t like touching other people at all. She barely hugged me as a kid.

You deal by reminding yourself that life isn’t perfect or easy. You make the best with what you have.

What motivates your little one? My little girl loves “giving sugar”, so if we need her to show someone a little love, we ask her to give them a baby smooch. If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t, and we deal with it. Part of parenting is just being her advocate I think.

“I guess not today”
“Well why not, doesn’t she love her grandma? You should teach her better.”
“Sorry mom, sometimes she doesn’t even hug me, she will eventually, we’ll keep trying. It helps if you get down on her level and smile (or some other tip).”
“Well I don’t understand why… <blah blah>”
“I’ll flog her and send her to hug school when she’s 5, until then we’ll give her the option.”

Worst case scenario on not hugging grandma is what? Can you find some other way to show grandma some love? A card? Does grandma have a nickname? Does grandma have something to brag about to the other grandmas? If she wants to win, show her how to win.

My kid had the same sort of problem with my mother in law. What we did was have my MIL get down on the floor and start playing with her, at the direction of the kid. Pretty soon she got more comfortable with my MIL

I’ve spent a few days thinking about this, and I must respectfully disagree with @KNOWITALL. I think it would be a mistake to “force” your daughter to hug her grandma. That could have a very negative and everlasting effect on her, and moreover, even if you did manage to get her to do it, your mother would know it was an obligation rather than a desire, and that might be even more upsetting to your mother. (By the way, your not being comfortable hugging your mom models your discomfort to your daughter, which probably only adds to your daughter’s discomfort.)

This is an unfortunate situation but one I think you’re going to have to accept and not try to “fix,” especially not with professional counseling. That might cause more distance between you and your mother and certainly not mitigate your daughter’s discomfort. Let her feel the way she feels. I’m sure she does love her Grandma, and to me, letting her express that in her own way is the best course.

I think I will try what @drhat77 suggests. My mom loves board games and bought a bunch of toddler games for her. Maybe a few gaming sessions would help.

You know how when people visit a home with a little kid, they often bring a little gift to win the kid over? Maybe if your mom gave your daughter little gifts that would thrill her. Yes, it’s “buying” the kid’s affection, but if that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes. I know with my daughter, when I bring her to work and the boss would give her a little gift, it would just thrill her to death.

My mom always brings little things over. She’s trying hard. I feel a bit sorry for her.

And I wanted to say that my daughter is VERY affectionate. It’s only mom she acts all weird about—and total strangers. BUT she always talks about my mom, draws pictures for her and wants to talk to her on the phone. So something is breaking down face to face.

@Pachy Didn’t know the kid was just two. Just seems to me parental guidance needs to include empathy, esp with family.

@KNOWITALL: The first response here from the OP @keobooks (about five down from top) said she is two.

How about grandma and your little one make a craft project together? It needs to be one where they both contribute. I put one on, then you put one on sort of thing. I’m guessing grandma needs to be guided in how to interact. This might help. If nothing else it’s a good starting place.

Just tell your child we all need hugs even awkward different people.

I don’t think any child should “have to ” hug anyone, no matter who it is. As adults do we have to hug anyone we don’t want to? No. Why is a child different? It’s teaching them that they have to give affection to someone even if it disregards their own needs. It teaches them that affection is a duty, not an expression of how they feel.

Bad idea to make her hug anyone she doesn’t want to, especially at this age. She is learning boundaries, personal bubble, and all that important stuff. She is too young to be reasoned with. I’m guessing your mom wouldn’t care to hear that, but that’s the way it is.

I agree craft project or baking project is a good idea and something all 3 of you can do together. It’s apple pie season, cookie baking season, soup making season, cooking and baking season in general!

I’m wondering if smell is involved. Some people, often older people, have an odor of which they are not aware. It isn’t necessarily a bad odor, it’s just different. Give your mom a hug and do a sniff test. Showering every day helps. Perfume does not. In fact, perfume could BE the problem.