Social Question

mon485's avatar

Why is wanting to wait for marriage considered to be so strange?

Asked by mon485 (23points) September 16th, 2013

I’m 25 and a virgin. I don’t plan otherwise until I get married. I’m also an atheist and am not doing it for religious reasons. I just don’t see the point of having sex with someone I’m not going to spend my life with and then moving onto someone else. That doesn’t appeal to me. I’m not a closet lesbian or a man hater. I wasn’t sexually abused. Why is this so strange? Most men move on after they find this out. My mom thinks I’m insane and tries to encourage me to go off from guy to guy like my sister who is 22. Will I ever find someone who can wait ? They don’t have to be a virgin themselves if they can wait.

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47 Answers

drhat77's avatar

Sex is a very personal thing and you need to find your own way about it. You are the only person who can definatively say if you are doing sex right or not.

That being said guys have a very different set of expectations and you may expereince more than your fair share of heart break. If guys could be fixed, I’d leave the toilet seat down.

jerv's avatar

Regardless of gender or orientation, sexual compatibility is important to any lasting relationship. Couples (or groups, for the poly crowd) should want the same things in life or the relationship won’t last.

As you’re finding out, guys who are into the “wait until marriage” thing are uncommon, so you’re already starting out at a disadvantage by severely restricting your dating pool. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing either as it prevents you from going with guys who have different priorities than you.

There are some who consider premarital sex to be a test drive; try before you buy. Your mother sounds like that sort of person. They’re not wrong, but that doesn’t make them right either. It’s really your decision.

Yes, it’s strange as it’s an uncommon thing in this day and age, but we’re all a little strange, so embrace your weirdness and don’t feel pressured to compromise yourself.

whitenoise's avatar

It isn’t strange, however you are limiting yourself in a way that I at least don’t think is wise.

Sex is a very elemental part of life between a couple. There needs to be a certain match.

To not allow you to experience sex and decide whether you have a ‘sexual click’ with your future partner, is setting you up for a risk of spending (a substantial part of) your life in a relationship that isn’t fully working for you.

For that reason, I understand guys that step away from your proposed waiting time as well.

I wish you well and remember… in the end it is your choice. No one else’s.

LuckyGuy's avatar

If you expect a monogamous courtship your decision effectively demands that your partner, too, refrain from having sex. Few single males in your age group are willing to invest the time and abstain for that long unless there was some strong reason, cultural or otherwise.
I can think of some older, prostateless, guys who would be willing to wait but no young males with healthy testosterone levels and libidos.

Like it or not you are limiting your dating pool. It might be time to use an online dating site. Good luck.

Edit: I looked fora few minutes to find the age when people first had sex.
This study by the Kinsey Institute.has the figures. According to that report 11% of males and 8% of females have not had intercourse by age 25.
You can look for other studies.

LuckyGuy's avatar

(Too late to edit. )
Obviously it is your body and thus your decision and your right. No one has the right to force anyone to do anything against their will. Agreed.
Now, do you expect your personal decision to apply to the man as well? Will you accept him if he does not want to spend prime years at the peak of reproductive health waiting for you?
There is no need to answer. I am just offering these questions for you to consider.

ucme's avatar

Exactly that, because it is strange, only in the unusual sense, that is to say it’s atypical.
We all choose our own path, if you like where yours is leading, then proceed regardless.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther!

It’s not that it’s “strange” – I wouldn’t use a pejorative term to describe your attitude – but it is “unusual” in this day of freely available contraceptives, freer attitudes about sex, and (like it or not) abortion on demand, including the “day after” pill. With much less risk of unwanted pregnancy and somewhat less risk of disease – and treatment of each, in most cases, if required – this has allowed a changing attitude toward premarital sex. (In addition, of course, there’s a growing acceptance of single parenthood as well, despite the fact that this isn’t normally good for the child.)

So, society’s attitudes have changed, but yours have not. Again, there’s nothing “strange” or bad at all about this; it’s just unusually old-fashioned. “Old-fashioned” is not bad at all.

To put this in the perspective of time, I was 22 when I lost my cherry, and I married that girl. That was unusual even then. The marriage lasted six months, and was a disaster from before the start, but I was blind to all of our various incompatibilities (including her general distaste for sex, extreme selfishness and complete immaturity), and figured that we’d resolve all of that over time.

I’m not saying that your plan is doomed to failure, but there is absolutely no guarantee that your plan will work in the long term. On the other hand, it is your plan, your life, your body, so stick to what works for you – just be ready for what happens when it doesn’t fit into the plan.

tedibear's avatar

Something else to think about is what you consider “sex.” Are you talking about only intercourse or do you mean all physical (and maybe verbal if someone is great on the phone) contact that might result in arousal? I don’t want answer for myself, but if you’re merely saying the former, you may find more willing partners. Then again, you will need to be prepared for the inevitable question of, “But we’re already this far, why can’t we…” Again, this is just for you to consider and nothing that we need to know.

glacial's avatar

Having sex with someone can give you a huge insight into their personality. I can’t imagine wanting to marry someone before knowing who they are when we are that intimate together.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Waiting to have sex until marriage is not as common as it used to be. If you told your great grandmother about your decision, she might think its a great choice. But your mother might think its strange because she grew up in a more modern, sexually charged era. And if your mother thinks its strange, men your own age will think it even more strange.

You’ll be very limited with your choice of men. And unfortunately you’ll find some men who are so determined to get you to break that promise to yourself that they’ll go along with your wishes and pretend to respect it, only to start pressuring you to have sex eventually before he marries you. Its an ego thing.

I’m also curious about what @tedibear asked. You might consider allowing at least some sexual contact between you and your partners. With no idea how well you two connect on a sexual level, it’ll be hard to have a strong connection at all.

Then there’s fact the that some men will wonder why on earth you won’t allow them to see or touch your parts. They might get a crazy idea that you could be hiding some embarrassing secret. Maybe you were born a man, maybe you have an STD…you have to expect these assumptions will be made because of your prudeness.

This is the reality of your lifestyle. These will be things you face. But if you’re firm in your beliefs than you’ll stay strong and hopefully find a good match someday. Good luck!

LuckyGuy's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Her great grand mother would have it considered it strange, too. She would wonder why at 25 she was not married. Back in her day the average age for marriage was 20. Now it is pushing 26.
You bring up a good point about the guy wondering if there is some issue that is being kept hidden.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@LuckyGuy Very true. And the reason for me bringing up that point is because I had a good friend that had a similar situation. His girlfriend wouldn’t have sex with him and as time went on he grew genuinely concerned. He was afraid of what she might be hiding and it freaked him out to the point that he left her eventually.

CWOTUS's avatar

Great grandmother would have been shocked to know that there was any consideration of anything other than waiting until marriage.

glacial's avatar

Great grandmother would have forced her to join a convent, as a lost cause.
Things are better now.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@CWOTUS She might make an exception for someone so old they have one foot in the grave.
25–30 years ago when I worked in Japan they used the term Christmas Cake to describe a person (usually a woman) who was not married by age 25. Now the average age is much higher.

gm_pansa1's avatar

I don’t think it’s strange. I think it’s wise of you to wait. Though in a way you are limiting yourself, sex is not the is all in a relationship. If you find someone who doesn’t want to wait, then they’re not the right person for you.

whitenoise's avatar

Great grandmother likely had premarital sex as well, just would never admit it.

Coloma's avatar

The odds of spending your “life” with the same person are astronomically small.
If you wish to wait for a special someone, that is fine, but you need a reality check when it comes to your forever fantasies. The vast majority of marriages do not last, and out of those that do, 90% of them are based on inertia, dependence, fear of change, finances and familiarity, and rarely on true and healthy and growth oriented relating.
Just the facts, people that get hung up on “forever” in their relationships are usually very disappointed.

whitenoise's avatar

I don’t think that you canclaim those as facts.

Coloma's avatar


More fact than fiction. All I am saying is that an attachment to “forever” is a set up 99% of the time. Very few relationships last forever.

KNOWITALL's avatar

It’s strange because most people can’t wait because they have no self-discipline. I think it’s great and very romantic, you must have tremendous willpower to deny yourself pleasure against your body’s urges and societal pressures. And you family,

tinyfaery's avatar

Do what you feel is best. If you end up a 40 year old virgin Id say you have some psychological problems or are asexual.

Blondesjon's avatar

The only thing I find strange is how hung up folks are about who is fucking who and how others may judge their fucking.

If the fucking involves adults that are not me, nor in a monogamous fucking agreement with me, then it’s none of my business when they fuck, how they fuck, or why they fuck. The fucking has zero impact on my life.

Perhaps all of this misspent attention on a non-problem is one of the reasons this country is so fucked.

bolwerk's avatar

Sex is a natural bodily function and people who have sex are, all things being equal, happier and healthier. It’s your business, and you can wait all you want, but people are going to think it a little odd. You can avoid bringing it up if you don’t want to hear people’s opinions about it.

However, since normal, healthy adults might expect sex in their long-term partnerships maybe you should either (1) consider letting your partner have sex with others until you’re married or (2) drop this pretense altogether. ‘Cause you’re kinda wasting other people’s time not doing probably the #1 most enjoyable thing to do in a boy-girl romantic relationship.

Paradox25's avatar

I find it to be such a shame how someone like yourself gets ridiculed. I know the feeling because I was a late bloomer myself (very late, and I’m a guy). Not everybody is the same, and while sex is important, it may not be first and foremost compared to other factors when considering the quality of a relationship.

There are at least as many virgin guys as girls, if not more, but you’re only looking at about roughly 10% of the population though. It’s obviously not going to be easy to find what you’re looking for due to the attitudes concerning sex today. There are several online dating sites which feature many attractive virgin men and women, and unfortunately this may be your best bet here.

My opinion is if you feel you’re ready for sex, then do it. I don’t feel that one should be ridiculed because sex isn’t very important to them at the time however. I’m always hearing how nonvirgins claim that their way of life is criticized, but when I look closer it seems that many of these types of people are the ones doing the judging. Not everybody just jumps into the sack, it’s that simple, so why can’t people just accept that without implying some sort of mental illness or handicap is involved?

glacial's avatar

@Paradox25 Is anyone actually ridiculing her? I thought (some, not all) people were just disagreeing with her. Everyone has their own personal reasons for their choice, and we’ve been asked to share them. This is not the same as ridiculing someone.

Paradox25's avatar

@glacial Most of the responses did imply that her decision is based upon faulty reasons. This person wants to wait, and yet most have criticized that decision. Why not simply just respect her decision instead of telling her that she’s wrong?

glacial's avatar

@Paradox25 Because she didn’t write a question saying, “Will you please not question my decision to wait?” She wrote a question asking why she shouldn’t wait, presumably because she is interested in hearing the opposing arguments. This question would have been a complete waste of time if no one had offered the information she asked for.

bolwerk's avatar

I don’t see any ridicule here. Implying her reasoning is faulty isn’t ridicule.

I didn’t even do that, because I don’t see what reasoning has to do with her problem. She doesn’t want to have sex, she doesn’t have to have sex. That’s a consent issue for me, and her wishes about what she does with her own body need to be respected. I just think her expectations are faulty; she can’t reasonably expect to find many long-term partners who aren’t going to want to have premarital sex, especially if she is precluding the pool of people who are batshit religious nuts or have severe medical limitations.

Maybe the point where I’d fault her reasoning is, it doesn’t seem like a great idea to not have sex with someone before you marry him/her because you should go into a marriage knowing you’re sexually compatible. But then, I don’t see much point in marriage….

Paradox25's avatar

@glacial Because she didn’t write a question saying, “Will you please not question my decision to wait?” She wrote a question asking why she shouldn’t wait, presumably because she is interested in hearing the opposing arguments. Looking at the details of the question it appears very obvious to me that she is upset over the fact that she may have to do things she’s very uncomfortable with. I’ve also seen no indication that she’s interested in being prep talked into doing something she’s uncomfortable with, and, if anything, she seems upset about that possibility. I don’t think your assumption is any more concrete than mine.

@bolwerk You’ve written about some of your own personal opinions and preferences here, but the fact is not everybody is the same. The woman obviously has her own preferences, and there are plenty of normal virgin guys out there, and I’ve known a few of them myself. There are virgin dating sites out there too, so she does have options. The girl doesn’t want to do things the way many others do them, and personally I can identify with that myself, so why make her feel worse?

glacial's avatar

@Paradox25 You and I are reading this question very differently. Anyway, I still don’t feel that people on this thread bear the OP any ill will. Certainly, I don’t. We’re just answering the question she asked.

snowberry's avatar

No problem. The last time she logged on was Sept. 18. She just could have felt driven off by all the negativity, but we’ll never know unless she tells us, which is unlikely, I think.

bolwerk's avatar

@Paradox25: she was reaching out and deserves an honest evaluation. I was just evaluating the situation as I see it; people will think it strange if she tells them what she told us in her initial description of her question. The only way to avoid that is to avoid telling people.

I wasn’t trying to make her feel worse, and it’s fair to say I may be one of the few heterosexual males on the planet who wouldn’t raise an eyebrow at her decision because it doesn’t affect or interest me.

snowberry's avatar

By the way, my daughter AND her boyfriend are both virgins, by choice (obviously). They both just graduated from college. And they are both very happy with their life choices.

Anyone who chooses to tell you why YOU are “wrong” for choosing to remain a virgin is self focused, and should not be listened to.

whitenoise's avatar

Please don’t act like a jerk. The OP asks advise/opinions in an open way. You cannot say that she should listen to people with your opinion only. That is arrogant at best. What negativity are you talking about, above? I just reread the whole thread. Main theme… Don’t let anybody push you into something you don’t want. Even most people that suggested her to change said so.

It seems to me you are saying people are negative, merely because people are of a different opinion than you. There seems be more of that, lately on fluther and I hate it.

snowberry's avatar

@whitenoise This is what the OP wrote: “My mom thinks I’m insane and tries to encourage me to go off from guy to guy like my sister who is 22.” My reply is in response to that. And to prove that there are virgins out there like her.

Maybe I’m a jerk, or perhaps her mistake was coming here and having the nerve to ask such an audacious question on Fluther in the first place.

whitenoise's avatar

Just give me an example from this thread above, where she was treated with hostility or without respect. You are being unfair to your fellow flutherites on this thread and to fluther overall.

And I explicitly did not say you were/are a jerk. I asked you not act like one.

snowberry's avatar

@whitenoise I didn’t say she was treated with hostility by anyone here. That may or may not have been implied but I don’t know, because I didn’t write those other responses. However, we do know from her question that her mother is treating her with hostility (and possibly her friends).

If she ever does return, she does need to know that she is OK for doing what she is doing, and that people like her do exist. Actually I have 3 children who choose/chose to wait until marriage. One is married now, to another virgin. That’s not a crowd, but if there are that many in just the people I know, she should be able to find someone. There are cultures outside the US that advocate virginity (for both men and women) before marriage too.

As for being unfair to fellow flutherites, I have considerable history on this website now (several years anyway), and I am in the minority here on most subjects, which means I get a lot of push back for what I stand for. Sometimes I even get flamed for it. I’ve got a nice list of “descriptive words” that people have called me over the years.

Edit: Naïve is my all time favorite, but obtuse is in the running.

chinchin31's avatar

It isn’t anyone’s business. If people ask you about your sex life you should tell them it is none of their business. You are complicating your life by telling them.The only person that knows my sexual history is the person I am in a relationship with. No one else. Why are you telling your mother. The guys that move on are losers. They want to use you for sexual pleasure. You scare them because you scream commitment. Unfortunately alot of men nowadays have commitment issues because sex is so freely available.
You are dating the wrong men. You need to start dating the right guys. I know lots of very pretty women that remained virgins until marriage. Alot of guys ran away or got angry because they wouldn’t give it up. But in the end these girls eventually met guys that respected their decision.
You are going for the wrong guys. If you have conservative values then you can’t go dating non conservative men and demand that they conform to you. That is just the way it is. Don’t give in either you would regret it.
Also it is very difficult for a guy who is not a virgin to WAIT unless he is looking to get married within a year or something. You are being unrealistic. You need to date guys that respect those values.
Men have a high sex drive. That is a fact of life. Once they start having sex it is difficult for them to become virgins again.As a matter of fact that is the way it is for everyone who is not a virgin. It is very difficult to go back to being a virgin after you lose it.

chinchin31's avatar

I also want to add that I use to be in your situation too and then I gave in. I regret it to this day. Luckily for me I met my current husband shortly after. I didn’t want to go through my life having lots of sexual partners. I had two before my husband and I honestly feel like it was two too many.

The only thing that consoles me is that both were never flings , they were serious long term relationships where we could talk openly about marriage etc.

I think it is great you want to wait. I think once you start having pre-marital sex you will open yourself to a whole set of anxieties such as possibility of pregnancy, stds etc. I hated that anxiety of always worrying maybe or maybe not. Even if you use contraception the anxiety is still there. No form of contraception is 100% effective. I know lots of so called “good girls” that got pregnant using contraception and now they wish they could turn the clock back but they can’t.

It makes life less stressful when you abstain. Trust me.
I think if you want to stay that way then unfortunately you will be restricted to dating guys at church or christian dating websites. And even then you have to be careful because on those websites and in church there are men that lie too. Yes, speaking from my own experience.
Or you may have to consider dating non-western men . In most non western cultures alot of men still respect women that wait even if they are not virgins themselves as it is a cultural expectation.

It is a fact that most people nowadays are having sex before marriage and you will find it difficult to find someone that respects you. But you can though. It will just be challenging. You are not a freak. You just have to look in the right places and make it clear upfront the type of person you are.

Usually you will not find such men in nightclubs or the “popular” places for meeting people. You have to join activities where you can get to really know people sober.

Paradox25's avatar

@chinchin31 The problem is that many who have sex before marriage, or at least doing it without being in a serious relationship is that they just can’t live and let live. They have to criticize others who don’t want to live the way they do. There’s nothing wrong with waiting if a person decides to do that.

whitenoise's avatar

Now that is the raven calling the crow black.

In my life, I have met very few people that critisize others for waiting until marriage.

I have heard a lot of people calling other people very derogative names for ‘sleeping around’, though. There are hundreds of millions of people that would actually use the term ’she’s spoiled’.

Unless you count two partners with different ideas on this topic as critisizing eqch other. To me those level each other out, though.

NerdyKeith's avatar

Well, it’s not so much that it’s strange; just unnecessary. I’m very monogamous myself and will only have sex with another man after at least a month of dating or when I fall in love with him. To me sex is a very important aspect of embracing intimacy with a significant other. For me I would need to explore that intimacy with a partner before committing to marriage.

This is what just makes more sense to me.

If you want to wait until marriage, that is your choice. And I can understand your caution from jumping into anything after being abused.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction, in the US that appears to be the rub, some (given the statistics, and we love statistics here, on how many virgins are around I think I am save to say many) lack that level of self-control or discipline and go for their creature and physical pleasures. No matter how much you say you are in it for the enjoyment of the other, and tem you, unless it is leading to a lifelong union it is about self. If it were truly all about them wanting your company, and not what you have between your legs can pleasure them, they would be around seeing it as a bonus they will get once they finish the race. They want the cup for basically suiting up and putting on the running shoes and taking the starting gun, running the race, going through the physical punishment would have no appeal if they can get the cup without doing it. In the US sex went from this sacred and intimate thing true couples went through, and to do it without that type of commitment was the thing of sailors on shore leave with the hoochies they found in the dive bars around town. When I was a kid you would never, ever find a teen girl who was pregnant and not know who the baby’s daddy was, the only way that would be if she were raped. To have full control over her faculties and been basically the neighborhood bicycle; everyone got a ride, get knocked up and not know which dumbstick did it was a place no girl wanted to be in. Fast forward, sex is just a commodity in a relationship (and even those who are not in a relationship), another thing to do on the punch list; get flowers, buy a card, dinner, oh, boink once we get back to her or my place. I commend you for having the fortitude to wait, even if it means the guy splits, better now than after you were giving away the milk for free and he figures he wasn’t getting enough milk and go draw from another dairy on the sly. It is strange to others because they have no self-control, it would be as if one seen a very trained dog who would sit there even when someone dropped a beef link from their bun at a BBQ, and the dog will not go after it if its owner had not given it permission to move. Some (I am save to say most) would be as most dogs and pounce the beef link; that is what some people would expect to see a dog do.

Zachary_Mendes123's avatar

I’m actually currently engaged. In 2019 I’ll be a married man

Response moderated (Spam)
Dutchess_III's avatar

I would be concerned that you’re expecting something far more from sexual intercourse than you will experience…..

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