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Mattuk's avatar

Girlfriend doesn't want to live with me .

Asked by Mattuk (5points) October 2nd, 2013 from iPhone


I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 18 months and suggested we live together. She declined.
We both live on our own. I can’t help but feel upset by this and a little unappreciated. We are ages 34 and 35 so not young. I have been wondering if she doesn’t want to live with me does she not take our relationship seriously?

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18 Answers

Emmy1234's avatar

The only way your going to find out what her reasoning is, is to just ask her. You are going to worry yourself and over analyze if you don’t. Maybe she just wants to take things slow because she’s been hurt in the past.

Jeruba's avatar

There can be lots of reasons for this. I’d suggest you discuss it with her. We can’t possibly know her thoughts and feelings or explain them.

Perhaps if you can’t talk this through with her, there’s a big clue.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Did she say nothing, no clarifications? Maybe not ready to give up her privacy and independence or feels you don’t know each other well enough yet.

Sunny2's avatar

She may prefer her own privacy for her style of living. Ask her. I’ve known people who marry and still continue to live separately. (Only 2 couples, but still. It’s a choice thee days.)

chyna's avatar

Maybe she wants you to put a ring on it before she lives with you. You won’t know until you ask her.

Fluthyou's avatar

Final verdict: ask her.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

The key words in your description, to me, were “I can’t help but be upset by this.”

The fact that you feel “upset” by this, and that you “can’t help that”, speaks volumes to me. I can understand being disappointed, because you wanted one thing and she apparently wants something different. But “upset” is more than disappointment, and it implies to me (especially since you “can’t help but” feel that way) that you want expect to exert more control over her than she is willing to relinquish. I could be wrong about this, but it’s the way I read it, and maybe the way she does, too.

As others have said – there was never a doubt in my mind that they would say it, either – you need to talk to her about this.

rojo's avatar

I have a relative that had a girlfriend for over 20 years. When they met, she had her own home, her own life and just incorporated him into it. BUT she had no interest in marriage or living together. They spent a lot of time together, stayed at each others home frequently, dated, ate together several times a week, went places and vacationed each year together, attended weddings of friends, did everything married couples did but without the 24/7 arrangement that married/living with couples do. Sometimes they were together every day for weeks, sometimes it would be weeks before they saw each other but usually got together for some amount of time a minimum of 5 days a week.
But, and I stress this, this was an arrangement they both either wanted or accepted. It would never have worked if one of them had wanted more.

josie's avatar

Options are simple.
Live apart.
Dump the girlfriend.
Is it really that complicated?

JoseB's avatar

I wouldn’t ask her “Waa, why don’t you want to live with me???”

All that’s going to do is make you look like a big time wuss.

Ask yourself if you’re the type of guy a girl would want to live with. Since you came to Fluther with this question, the answer is probably no.

So ask yourself what type a guy does your girl want to live with? Hmm!

deni's avatar

Just ask her to explain her reasons…..people get very nervous about living with their significant others, and for good reason! I have been declined myself, by my current boyfriend. I understand his reasons though. When the time is right itll happen!

Pachy's avatar

Talk about it face to face. It’ll be good practice if/when the time comes you do live together and have to deal with communication issues like this regularly.

flo's avatar

We have no way of knowing, no way at all. But 18 months is not long enough, I guess. Some people go out for years before deciding to live together.

hearkat's avatar

As others have said, only she can explain her reasons. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

In 18 months’ time, there must have been some sort of discussions about what each of you wanted from the relationship… no? My fiancĂ© and I had that conversation before our first date – but admittedly, that’s an exception, because we were in our 40s and knew from experience that we didn’t want to waste time if the other didn’t have the same intentions.

I know adult couples who have happy, committed relationships but choose to maintain separate bedrooms or separate homes. If that meets their needs, then good for them – they define their own relationship and do not allow social convention to dictate to them. If, however, one person wants to cohabitate and the other wants to live separately, then they are incompatible and it would be best to let go and move on.

Adagio's avatar

@JoseB Did you ever consider the possibility that although she may be quite happy in the relationship she may not want to live under the same roof with anyone, the two things are not mutually exclusive.

Buttonstc's avatar

You don’t really specify WHERE exactly the two of you would be living together. Do you mean you’d like her to move in to your place or vice-versa ? Or would you both search for another place not previously occupied by either of you ?

If you’re expecting her to move in with you, I’d certainly understand her hesitation since she’d be the one suddenly homeless if the relationship doesn’t last.

Deciding to live with someone is easily the equivalent of marriage in terms of the impact it has on each person life. They’re essentially sacrificing their independence and freedom (financial as well as emotional )

So, if you’re not willing to commit to her in marriage, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on. Why should she give up her independence and her living space without a marriage commitment. I certainly wouldn’t.

I think she’s acting very wisely.

Instead being all hurt and stuff, you should do some serious and honest soul searching about why you’re unwilling to commit to marriage.

If you’re just not ready for that yet, that’s fine.

But don’t be expecting her to make more of a commitment than she’s ready for.

JoseB's avatar

@Adagio Just my opinion. My pretty decent life experience with girls (and stories from other couples) tells me that after 18 months of dating, if the girl thinks you’re the man, she’s going to follow your lead.

If you’re the type of guy to come on a blog and ask “Why doesn’t she want to live with me? Please help!” then you’re probably not the type of guy she’s going to want to live with.

Just my very honest opinion.

Of course, I don’t have all the answers, and I respect your perspective.

amr500's avatar

I live the same way with my gf. We are both in our 40s and divorced. She had an abusive husband, I had a sexless marriage. We tried to live together for a brief three month, but did not work. See works nights only, as she is a nurse.I work two shifts (day/night). Sometimes our lives are totally opposite. I’m awake, she sleeps. This was a big problem. I had to be real quiet, on my days off. Couldn’t do anything that was loud. One day, we had a big fight and she moved out. We almost went our separate ways, didn’t even talk for a month. Than, suddenly one of my tenants moved. (I have several flats). I offered her the luxury flat I was living in, and told her if she comes back to me, I would move to the empty flat. She accepted because we really love each other and this one month apart hurt us.
She insisted, that she will also be one of my tenants, so she wants to pay rent. This was the really hard decision for me to accept money from my gf. I’ve decided, that she is really important for me (I really would die for her), so I charge her 1/5 of the usual rent, and at the end of the year I use that money to buy her gifts and take her to a nice holiday. This seems so wrong, but otherwise we wouldn’t be together. She spends time with me, I spend time with her. We never get bored with each other, sex is really good. We often go out together on a date. We met each other’s parents and family. Yes, this setup can be hard at times, but for us it’s a necessity. Hope I could help in some ways.

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