Social Question

real's avatar

Is my boyfriend's behavior acceptable?

Asked by real (42points) October 11th, 2013

When my boyfriend visits his friend and his friend’s girlfriend, he doesn’t invite me. It make me a little angry that he does this. When I ask to go, he starts saying I don’t trust him. We have been dating a year and we’re engaged and live together now. Why do you think he does this? Am I over reacting and should just let go? And should I continue the relationship?

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32 Answers

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@real Welcome to fluther. But please read the guidelines and rework this. It’ll get modded for sure.

Seek's avatar

Sometimes people need five minutes to themselves.

I mean, he presumably had an entire life before the year you started dating. Now you’re living together. I assume there are SOME things you enjoy doing alone, no?

If no, find something. If you expect a guy to be attached to your hip 24/7, neither of you will be very happy.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Relationships are a balance. He has his needs and you have yours. If I were you, I would back off – no one likes being nagged, and you’re sounding pissed off when there is not a real reason to be. being his girlfriend, even his potential fiance, does not mean that you need to be glued to him 24 hours a day.

How is the rest of his relationship with you? Is he good in all other ways? If so, get off his case.

downtide's avatar

It’s very important for both members of a partnership to be able to enjoy their own lives outside of the relationship as well as in it. Not only does it allow you both to grow and be independent, it’s also how trust is formed. It’s not just acceptable, it’s essential for the long term survival of your relationship and for the sanity of both yourself and your partner.

As to why it is happenning in this particular instance, it could be any number of things. Perhaps their activities would bore you. Maybe your boyfriend’s friends don’t like you and don’t want you around. After all, his friends are not yours by default, just because he’s your boyfriend.

If you love someone, let them go. If you can’t do that, you’re not ready for a relationship yet.

Coloma's avatar

Yes to all of the above.
Let your boyfriend have his own space and time with his friends.
If you become too needy and clingy you will ruin your relationship.
The more you cling the more you push others away.

Nobody wants to be yoked to someone else 24/7 no matter how much you may care for them.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Obviously, his behavior isn’t acceptable to you, and you’re the only one who really matters on this topic and with him.

It seems to me that you may not have explained your reasons for wanting to accompany him. It doesn’t seem (to me) that it’s a trust issue on your part; you’re hurt at being excluded, I think. It seems to me that he doesn’t get that, for some reason.

On the other hand, his assumption that you “don’t trust him” may be a kind of projection; maybe he’s really not trustworthy.

gailcalled's avatar

Next time he visits his friend, do something interesting for you alone. “Honey, have fun. I’m off to the museum, library, internet café, my job as a volunteer, to the nail salon, lunch with my friends, the gym, a bath and a nap, a good book, a good movie, my Spanish lessons, my session with my yoga instructor, my chance to try the new recipe for minestrone soup.”

Be more interesting and less clingy.

Coloma's avatar

@CWOTUS That’s possible too.

ninjacolin's avatar

As long as you actually really do completely trust him, then there is no problem on your end except that you just feel left out. You should articulate this to him. But note that you will be lying if you really don’t trust him. So.. don’t lie to him if that’s the case. Assuming it isn’t, however.. just tell him: I think I really like your friends and I wanna hang out with them too!

JLeslie's avatar

I think if he never includes you with his friends it is a red flag. Not that he can’t see them without you, but for you to be totally prohibited, I wouldn’t like it. My husband does things without me all the time, but I never felt excluded.

rojo's avatar

How often does he do this?
How long has he done this?
Did he know both them before he met you?
How is your relationship with the girlfriend? Guys who were friends beforehand, in my experience, have been more tolerant toward each others girlfriends than their respective girlfriends are toward each other. (I don’t know if it works the same way with girls who knew each other before the boyfriends).
It sounds like it is just this one particular couple. Is that right or does he do it with other friends?

jca's avatar

What @JLeslie said is how I feel. It seems your issue is more with being excluded than with not trusting him. If he never includes you, that would be my concern. Guys see their friends all the time, girls see their friends all the time, “guys’ night out” etc., but if every time he went to this place you were not welcome to come, that would make me curious.

Have you met them before? Do you go with him with other friends?

I am not in a relationship but I know when I have been in them, when we would usually go as a couple to visit a couple. Not all the time, of course, but for a social thing, it would be “us visiting them.”

I guess for me, it brings up a few more questions that your details are vague about.

ETpro's avatar

When somebody starts saying you don’t trust them just because you want to be part of their life, it means there is probably good reason not to trust them.

real's avatar

Thanks everyone for your answers thus far. It has been very helpful! I have asked to go along three times in the past year. I’m not sure if that constitutes as being clinging. He does visit this couple quit often. All three times my bf did not want me going. I have not nagged or exploded to him about it. Yea, it has made me angry.. but, I have kept it under control and decided to see what others take on this is. I have told him it does hurt me when he refuses to take me. It is not a trust issue as he says. He goes out occasional with another friend (and he’s single) and that doesnt bother me at all. It’s just with this friend because his friend has his gf with him about 95% of the time when my bf visits them. He has only taken me to see his family.. but not any friends. I would try to go and do something to keep my mind pre-occupied while he’s with them.. but he takes our only car (which is mine and he lives with me in my home that I’m buying.. we both work and he does contribute to the finances). So, pretty much I’m stuck at home when he visits them. By the way, this couple was his friend before I came into the picture.

About a couple months ago, his friend’s gf, Anna, was having problems in their relationship. Anna sent a couple texts to my bf. Since he’s not a texter, he calls her about it. My bf tells me all about it and shows me the text. I tell him that doesnt sound right. She shouldn’t be talking to you about her relationship problems. My bf says he doesnt see anything wrong with that. He deletes her number from his phone and tells her not to call/text him anymore because I got mad about it. My bf, his friend and Anna all said they don’t see anything wrong with that. Anyways, a couple weeks later, Anna starts saying my bf tells her “everything” about our relationship. I don’t feel like that’s true. I did talk to my bf about it. He said he had no idea Anna was like that and from now on he will be more careful what he says to his friend when Anna’s around. <sighs>

KNOWITALL's avatar

Leave him be. Relationships shouldn’t be about controlling each other, only loving each other – says the control freak with ocd.

Although if you’ve never been with him or met them, that would bother me, too. On occasion he could take you or explain why that’s not a good idea.

JLeslie's avatar

@real I think it is very strange. I would be suspicious, and I am not the suspicious type. My husband lived out of the country for 9 months, he used to travel every other week with business. In recent years he sometimes goes to track events with friends without me, I go out with my friends without him at times. We have never been attached at the hip in that clingy way. If he did what your bf does I would not be happy. It doesn’t make sense that he would exclude you like that. My husband always wants me along, but some situations it just doesn’t make sense or I can’t make it, etc. but, how can it not make sense for you to be along with his friends, especially if it is not an all guys thing?

rojo's avatar

I think it has a lot to do with “Anna”. Even though you have never met, she does not like you. She does, however, like your boyfriend which might go a long way to explaining her dislike.

jca's avatar

It’s weird. If the friend is with his gf, then why are you not welcome to come? On occasion, and nothing is written in stone, then yes, situations arise when only one goes. Your bf is helping his friend do something in the house, then he stays and hangs out or something like that, then yes, no problem. But in a year, three different times, and you have not been welcome to go to any friends’ houses, not only this one? Plus the crap with the gf of the friend – why is he telling her about your relationship and vice versa? That’s baffling/troubling. Just my opinion.

Aster's avatar

I would think your bf would feel like a third wheel without your being there. I think it’s strange he wants to hang out with a couple and leave you home. If he went fishing with the guys or played golf and you don’t play then that’s normal and fine. But to hang out with another couple and leave you home alone? Something stinks in Denmark. And I’d rather be burned at the stake than to ever, ever ask to go along again. Next you might discover him going on vacation with them.

snowberry's avatar

OK. So you’re buying a house, and your boyfriend lives with you He does contribute financially to the relationship but he does not have his own car and drives your car where he wants, apparently unconcerned about your needs while he is gone. He does what he wants and refuses to include you in visits with his apparently any of his friends. When you do ask to go along, he says you “don’t trust” him. I think he’s using you. In the future expect more of the same, and don’t be surprised if things get weirder. These are red flags.

Seriously, since he’s secretive, self centered at least to a point, and apparently not interested in talking about such things, I’d kick the bum out.

Aster's avatar

I’d kick him out too if he’s causing her unhappiness. Yes; this kind of thing may escalate. I would not want to be furnishing some dude with a house and car. In fact, I’d rather be sick . Particularly if he tells tales of how he’s going to eventually buy her a dream home and fancy car. Vomit.

Aster's avatar

I wonder what he’d say and do if she kicked him out? Put his clothes in a grocery bag and walk down the street with them? Refuse to go? Kick a door? Or tell her to start planning the wedding while he goes off to visit his friends.
I hope he doesn’t have a temper.

jca's avatar

@real: @Aster makes some good points.

chyna's avatar

He visits his friends in your car, you aren’t invited and you are stuck at home. The home you are buying that he is living in. The home that he contributes financially to. I’d bet he isn’t paying even half of everything. Mortgage, utilities, phone, etc?
Only you can know if this behavior is acceptable to you.
It would not be acceptable to me.

CWOTUS's avatar

@chyna nailed it. Had I known those details earlier, my response would have been quite different.

He won’t invite you when he takes your car and he accuses you of being “untrusting”? And he’s living in the house you’re paying for?

That whole situation would be untenable to me. He’d be out and gone.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@chyna Shhh, you’ll blow his cushy ride. I’m hoping for a sister with the same attitude.
@real See what all these guys are telling you?

Katniss's avatar

1) Please excuse my language, but…. fuck that.
2) Anna seems like a sneaky, underhanded, shady bitch.
3) I’m feeling like your being used. You need to kick his ass to the curb. What he’s doing is not ok.
4) I’ve been in this situation. The difference is that my ex had kids, so he decided it was my duty to take care of them while he went out. Hahahaha That happened once. I politely told him to kiss my ass the next time he thought I should stay home with them.
Anyhoo…... Turned out he was cheating. I’m not saying that your bf is, but he’s throwing up some red flags and I would proceed with caution if I were you.

real's avatar

Thanks very much for the advice! I will definitely use it. I was feeling confused about it. It just hurts me when he doesn’t want me around him and his friend/friend’s gf. It’s the weekend and I’m sure he’ll be going to visit them. Maybe not today.. but maybe sometime during this weekend. And I’ll ask him again (4th time) to go along. I’m sure his answer will be no. My bf’s responses to many things, not only this one, are immature in nature. He has a harsh way of kidding around sometimes. Again, thanks so much everyone!! I really didn’t know who/how to talk to someone about this.. And you all have been so much help! I am feeling like now, it’s unacceptable behavior!

JLeslie's avatar

@real Why are you with him? It really seems like he is using you. How old are you? How long have you been dating him? Does he help you pay for the car? The more you post the more I feel he is a user and a loser and a liar and a cheater. I could be wrong of course.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Lets give @real some time to think on this and to review things a bit. She’s invested a year with the guy, he must have qualities she likes. It’s her life, she needs to make her own calls. Good luck lady.

JLeslie's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe What I tell people about SO’s is: there are many many many people out there that have 90% of their personality is great qualities, a great match for you. But, what matters is the other 10% of their personality. Basically the negative part. Is it they leave the toothpaste cap off? The toilet seat up? Yell a lot when they get angry? Don’t communicate their anger? Lie? Cheat? Don’t mind going into debt? Watch sports all weekend long? Some of those are not negatives for some people, what matters is if it is a negative for you and if you can live with it. The negatives just get more and more pronounced as time goes on. If there is already an indication of bad news, otherwise called a red flag, people should pay attention.

Honestly, I think the OP should insist on going nect time, or call a girlfriend and follow him. I know a bunch of jellies will probably say she should not lower herself, but I have no problem with it.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I agree with everything you said in your first paragraph. This is the beginning stage, this may be the guys best behavior. But a lot has been thrown @real all day. Let’s give her a little time to process everything and see if his behavior matches what’s been said. She’s the one that needs to make the call with what she’ll except. That was just a general thought, not directed at you or any other jelly.

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