General Question

Som1udntno's avatar

How do I convince them I'm ready to leave?

Asked by Som1udntno (67points) October 25th, 2013

I’m seventeen, turning eighteen in less than seven months and I’m ready to escape the hell hole I’m living in. I live with my mother and her boyfriend and I just do not get along with them. It’s not because I’m the “rebellious” teenager. It’s because I use to be really close to my mother, that was until she started dating her now current boyfriend of four years. When his son came into the picture about four months after they had started dating my mom kind of abandoned me. She spent all her time with them and then my eighth grade year (I’m a junior in high school now) we ended up moving in with her boyfriend and since then things haven’t been the best. My mom and I are almost always fighting and when we aren’t is when I’ve locked myself up in my room away from everyone and I can’t live like this anymore. I’m tired of being ignored but when I mentioned moving out, and living with my dad my mom got very mad and threatened me. She even grounded me to my room. She gets furious when I mention living with my dad and step mom but honestly I see no reason for her to. She pays no attention to me anyhow and treats me like a child. Her and her boyfriend do.
My boyfriend and I have been taking a lot lately. About moving in with each other either on our own or into my dad and step moms house. They are completely fine with this but I have a feeling my mom will go crazy if I tell her I’m moving out, to my fathers house with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year now. We have our arguments but we always forgive each other for what ever it may be. We are supportive of one another, always there through bad times even if we don’t feel “up” to it or like we can. We are even thinking about getting married after high school but it’s not certain yet. My mom and her boyfriend don’t really like my boyfriend, that being because he’s not the best student or the greatest person around (in their minds because to me he’s absolutely amazing and I couldn’t ask for a better man) but is any person? I know I’m certainly not the best student but I’m also not in the best atmosphere for me. I’m not happy where I’m living.
How do I let my mom down easy when it comes to me moving out in the summer. I turn eighteen in May and I plan to hopefully move out soon after that. Do I tell my mom I’m leaving and just leave or do I try and talk to her about it? Do I just leave and write her a note? If so I’m going to have to talk to her at some point unless I just never see her again.. but I plan on having children and I don’t want to keep them from their grandmother. I’m so lost and confused. Please help.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and thanks if you take the time to reply and try to help me.

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27 Answers

jca's avatar

Before I can give an answer, I want to know what it is about your boyfriend that your mother and her boyfriend don’t like. Please be specific.

Katniss's avatar

You’ll be 18. Tell her you’re leaving. There isn’t a thing she can do to stop you.
You need to focus on getting yourself out, not getting out and living with your boyfriend. You first, always, or at least until you have children.
I’m sorry about your situation. :0(

Coloma's avatar

You’re very young and maybe what you perceive as “abandonment” is over reacting.
Have you talked to your mom about your feelings?
Yes, what exactly does your mother dislike about your bf and….I don’t think it’s wise you move in with him either. It sounds as if you are mostly interested in using him as an escape route and it is more important at this time that you get a job and an education, maybe find a girl friend or two to room with and if things are still good with your boyfriend in a couple of years consider moving in with him then.

It is much easier to find a new room mate than to break up with someone that you have become dependent on.
There is nothing you need to do to “convince” anyone you are ready to leave. The leaving itself is the convincing.
I’ll also add that your relationship with your mother will improve, ( usually does anyway ) as you mature.

My daughter is turning 26 next month and we had plenty of differences at your age too.
15 to 19 was a hard time in our relationship but from 20 til present we are great pals.
In any relationship BOTH parties need to take a look at and OWN their contributions to problems.

muppetish's avatar

I think this depends on what sort of relationship you want to have with your mother after you leave. If you are prepared, and willing, to cut all ties with her, then just leave when you turn eighteen without any worries about repercussions. If, however, you want to try and maintain your relationship with your mother after you leave, then you will need to talk to her.

The point of your conversation is not necessarily to convince your mother to let you go, because you would not need her permission if you are eighteen. If you wait until night before you plan on leaving to tell her you are planning on packing up and leaving, it could lead to heartbreak or hostility. You might want to ease her into it. When you previously suggested moving in with your father, how did you phrase it? If it was phrased in a threatening manner, that might be why her response was anger. She might have been afraid of losing you. It’s important to open this up as a civil discussion. Ask her to sit down with you. Tell her about how you feel living at home and how you think living somewhere else might make you feel. Ask for her opinions. Keep this as a dialogue and not a one-sided conversation.

As for your plan itself, I think you need to really, deeply, consider how you plan to sustain yourself after moving out. What will you do for food and shelter? Have you worked out your finances? Do you have a backup plan if things don’t work out? So many things can go wrong despite our well-intentioned dreams. And if you burn any bridges with your mother, things could potentially get all the more troubling.

rojo's avatar

Sit down and talk. Go to lunch, just the two of you. Tell her you are unhappy, explain why without assigning blame.
Do not move in with your boyfriend (and this is a guy saying this), this is just needlessly complicating the situation. If he was not in the picture, then perhaps your mom would, I believe, be less dead set against you living with your dad. Of course, I do not know the situation between the two of them, that could also be an underlying factor to her not wanting you to move. Are they in the same town? Would you be going to the same school? Is he providing child support that she will lose? There are many questions here. But, if you don’t ask then you won’t know.
Perception is a funny thing and what you see one way, your mom might view differently. Also, listen to @Coloma and the rest about the relationships between mother and daughter at this point in your life. It is a difficult time for all but the more you can talk the easier it is to get through it.

KNOWITALL's avatar

In my area you can legally be emancipated at 17 which is when I moved out, senior year. My home life was a struggle as well. I would talk to a counselor or check your state’s regulations and find out your legal status and do what you have to do to find your happiness.

Since I don’t know your mom, I can’t say if she’ll be mad or not, but mine was. My friends and I all went over while she had people over, loaded up all my stuff and left. It was difficult even though we weren’t getting along well, and I regret the way I did it, but not moving out.

I would also suggest you move in with a girlfriend rather than a boy, they usually work out better in the long term. Good luck.

tedibear's avatar

I like the idea of the two of you talking together with no one else around. I can’t predict that it will be good conversation, but I think you owe it to yourself and to her to put forth your best effort.

I also agree with those who have said to not move in with your boyfriend. You still have a lot to learn about yourself as a person. I’m not saying don’t date him, just don’t move in with him yet. Could you go live with your dad now without any kind of custody issues? I’m wondering if that makes up a part of your mom’s disagreement with this situation. There may be legal issues and money issues that she’s not telling you about. If you can move in with your dad and step-mom, that might be the best way to go.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@tedibear If mom’s getting child support from dad, it really could be a financial issue.

When I moved out mom started giving me the child support money, but I can’t remember if that was a legal thing or if she was just being cool about it. I’m pretty sure she had to since I no longer lived with her but was in college.

Som1udntno's avatar

I do not plan on moving in with my boyfriend. I plan on moving in with my father. I said my boyfriend and I have discussed possibly moving in with one another, just him and I and then I also said or possibly us moving to my father and step mothers house. I highly doubt that by the time I’m 18, a few short months, that I will be nearly mature or feel safe enough to live on my own with or without my boyfriend. My plan, entirely is to move to my dads house.

Som1udntno's avatar

As for why my mom and her boyfriend do not like him,

Honestly.. I’m not entirely sure. The continuously tell me that he disrespected them by not leaving my house but what happened was: He was parking outside my house. He and I had gotten into an argument and I refused to go outside and talk to him because I was upset. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t ask him to leave. I just told him I wasn’t ready to talk. My mom looked out the window and had seen he was outside our house, parked on the street in his car. She asked me what was going on and I told her we got into an argument and he wants to talk to me. She said okay, went to her boyfriend and told him my boyfriend was outside the house. This made him furious so he went outside and told him to leave. My boyfriend did exactly as he was asked, with tears streaming down his face by the time he left.
I don’t see how that is being disrespectful. I have never seen him be disrespectful towards them in any way. I think they do not like him because of where he came from. He was adopted by two gay men at the age of 8. He’s 18 now. I think they do not like him because his parents are gay.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Som1udntno Or they thought he was kinda stalking you or something? Or intimidating you? Or not taking no for an answer? I’ve got to believe that they were being protective because that’s what normal parents do.

Surely having gay parents isn’t a big deal?! If they hold his parents marital status and inclinations against a (forgive me) child, then they do have some issues, I’d say.

Som1udntno's avatar

He was never told to leave by me and when he was asked to leave by my moms boyfriend he did exactly that. And it’s a big deal when you live in the place I do and go to the school that I do.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Som1udntno What being gay or being a kid of a gay couple? Ugh, must be in a repressed and judgemental society like I am. That sucks.

Som1udntno's avatar

Sadly and yes. Very judgmental.

AshLeigh's avatar

Sorry, but they’re treating you like a child because you actually are a child.
If you want to go live with your father, depending on the laws there, you’re probably allowed to choose which parent you would like to live with. But don’t leave just because you’re mad. You should leave when you’re on good terms, and because you want to live with your father. Not because you don’t want to live with your Mother.

Judi's avatar

Is she getting child support for you?
My daughter and I had a tough time at about your age.
She ended up moving out a few months before she turned 18. I tried to fight it but my husband convinced me to let her go. I think it was probably the best decision for all of us.
She’s 31 now and probably my best friend.
A lot can change in the next few years.
I don’t have an answer for you but I wish you all the best.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Judi Sounds familiar. My mom’s my besty, too, but back at that time, I almost hated her. Just goes to show you that sometimes a little time apart can make you closer. :)

YARNLADY's avatar

The best way to get out of a situation like this is simply become self sufficient.

As long as you are dependent on others for your room and board, you must put up with whatever comes. You could look into a live in maid or nanny position, or simply get a job.

Unbroken's avatar

I don’t know your situation. I will tell you what I did. My mother threatened to kick me out at 17 if I didn’t go to her church and follow the religions rules. I said ok, deal. She couldn’t back out without swallowing her pride and losing any control of power. She gave me a week, and I think it took me three days.

She demanded the key to her house and I didn’t talk to her until my graduation which I had forgotten about. I stayed mostly away, for several years but we made peace with each other. Eventually.

You don’t convince you just state. And be prepared to have consequences.

creative1's avatar

Your turning 18 so you can make up your own mind where you want to live. I would suggest the adult thing to do (which is what you are at 18) is ask to sit down with your mom and dad together and have a talk about it all. This way all three of you can come to a decision together as to the best place for you to live. The conversation needs to be adult where you are listening to their side of things and they are listening to yours. It isn’t just one way where you are demanding you live at your dads just because you don’t like your moms boyfriend and his son.

Please realize that there are a lot of 18 year olds out on their own without any of their parents support so I would look at your current situation and picture an apartment that has none of the ammenties you are currently living with like tv, food, heat, electric and etc that magically appear every day for you to enjoy. Now think of working everyday somewhere that will pay you enough to pay rent, food heat, electric, and etc. It won’t be a pleasure trip if you end up kicked out of both houses and having to support your 18 your old self. You will be in a dead end job that won’t pay enough to give you the necessities let alone the extras so think before you start demanding in this situation.

filmfann's avatar

You can’t stand being ignored, so you keep yourself locked in your room.
Ya, sounds like teenage logic.
Maybe you can start by unlocking your door, and go out and be with your family.
It’s a lot easier to ignore you when you aren’t there.

rojo's avatar

@filmfann GA, an obvious yet overlooked point.

Som1udntno's avatar

@filmfann I keep myself in my room because yes, I’m being ignored but if I am downstairs with my mother for more than a half hour I’m then constantly being yelled at and being called a liar and in all honesty, I don’t know why I’m being called a liar. I hardly ever open my mouth around her and when I get the chance to start a conversation I always ask how her day was. If she did anything interesting and we talk, the first few moments are good but then as soon as her boyfriend gets home. He always gets home 5–10 minutes after me things change and my mom stops talking to me, ignores me to talk to him and then when I do actually wait for them to finish she tells me she’s done talking to me and to go upstairs. She use to never do that to me. Not when she had other boyfriends. She always put me before them but it’s like, now that she’s with someone who has money, who can support her she doesn’t need or care about anything or anyone else. She no longer has a job. She lied, and told her boyfriend she got fired when she didn’t. I watched her fill out her 2 weeks notice and 2 weeks after that she no longer had a job. It’s ridiculous. I don’t like it nor do I approve of it.

rojo's avatar

You know, here we have a saying “Highway 6 runs both ways” which translates into if you don’t like it, leave. Simplest solution.

snowberry's avatar

Could you ask your dad to help you move over the Christmas break? Living like this and trying to do well as you finish up high school will be miserable for you.

longgone's avatar

As others have said, leaving is not the issue – you leave when you’re ready, whether your mom likes it or not. What you have to think about is what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother, now and after you’ve left. It is hard not to get along with the people close to you – and at your age, a risk because you may miss out on financial support.
While you are a child legally, I can understand wanting to be treated differently then, say, a twelve-year-old. However, none of us can determine who is at fault here. In most cases, it is both parties, and as a near-adult, you should try to act responsible. Not saying you aren’t trying.
How about writing a kind letter explaining you feelings? If you decide to that, you should definitely let someone proofread. Preferably someone who is not involved in the situation itself – you may even find some willing jellies if you ask around. In any case, good luck!

MadMadMax's avatar

You might change the final outcome of your life if you leave too young.

stay, enroll in college, become something, then move out with your own mince.

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