Roll call. Who's funny?
Being new here, and desiring to meet people, I have decided to put out a role call. I’d like to know how many funny jellies there are here, because I’ll want to follow all or most of them. Please list yourself, and/or someone else who you find funny. Special prizes for those who include amusing quips with their replies.
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174 Answers
Humour has been outlawed by the order of the Führer.
I am funny, but looks aren’t everything.
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Funny you should ask . . .
A catalyst walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Don’t be starting anything!”
People laugh at me constantly.
Too much navel grazing causes hairballs.
I find ucme funny. He has a way with words, that always makes me smile.
Me, me, me…raising hand!
I am a comedienne at heart and aspire to do some standup one of these days. My humor is offbeat, sardonic, and zany, sort of a female George Carlin type, minus extreme profanity..well fuck…a sprinkling to be honest.
I’m extremely good at improv. my brain is like a pinball machine, fires fast and the marbles almost always hit their target with precision accuracy! :-P
I also think @ucme is funny, and I think my husband @Blondesjon is funny, but you will also find users who can’t stand their type of humor. We all have different tastes, right?
Why don’t you show us how funny you are @Jonesn4burgers…
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, “You need to learn your limits,” and pours two beers.
(No to calculus humor? How about philosophy?)
The McDonald’s waitperson asks Descartes, “Do you want fries with your burger”?
Descartes says, “I think not” and promptly disappears.
I’d vote for @ibstubro. He always cracks me up.
Wow, what a response! I’m going to love it here! @jonsblond , you have applied pressure, but I’m afraid I’m not very funny on my own, I’m better with a straight liner. @ibstubro is good at finding my ticklish spots and getting me going. I’m going to have a busy day, thanking jellies for their great answers and starting new follows.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car when they get pulled over.
The police officer asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg says “Well, not really but I can tell you exactly where I was.”
The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search.
He opens the trunk and finds a dead cat.
He says “Do you guys know that there’s a dead cat in your trunk?!”
and Schrödinger says “Well, I do now.”
This is one of my absolute favorite Seinfeld scenes.
@Mama_Cakes How could you? (drums flippers on table.)
@Jonesn4burgers I’ll think you’ll have to stick around to find my funny. I can’t perform under pressure.
@Coloma can certainly turn a phrase!
A catalyst walks into a bar. The bartender doesn’t react.
A scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar. The denier says, “Hey, Bartender, show me your strongest whiskey!”
The bartender says, “This one here. It’s 95 percent alcohol.”
The denier slams down his fist and leaves the bar in a hurry.
The scientist says, “You know, that’s the problem with these guys. You show them the proof, and they still don’t buy it.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! @Seek_Kolinahr , you nearly got my mind off that cold rain outside. You certainly got me to care less about it.
John Stewart, Steven Colbert, is top on my list. But hang in there. Maybe one day they will join.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
.
.
A fish.
What are the 3 best pick-up lines?
1. Would you mind holding my drink while I take a shit?
2. Does this rug smell like chloroform to you?
and the best one:
3. Let us not turn this rape into a murder!
And some people are not so funny.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
Alistair was a farm consultant that worked with our accounting firm. He had an office in an adjoining building, but they had no reception area, so mail, clients and deliveries always ended up in front of my desk, at the main entrance for the two buildings. One day, a confused courier walked in with a large metal cylinder. He didn’t come all the way into the reception area, instead he motioned for me to come out from behind the desk, which I did. I asked him what it was he had there in the cylinder and he said it was from So-and So cryogenics, and then lowered his voice, ‘It says here…..pointing to the delivery docket, it is a delivery for A. Dick’ ‘I said, yes, Mr. Dick is the farm consultant here.’ He looked relieved and added, ‘It’s a delivery of semen for Mr. A. Dick.’ He smiled awkwardly. I didn’t laugh.
true story
It is easy to distract fat people. A piece of cake.
What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?.
.
.
.
.
DAM!!!
Cazzie! That’s hilarious! Why didn’t you laugh??
“You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know, maybe it’s me, i’m a little fucked up maybe, but i’m funny how, I mean funny like i’m a clown, I amuse you?
I make you laugh, i’m here to fucking amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how?
How am I funny?”
Okay, now my whole office are laughing our heads off. We took a vote and here are the results:
Funniest (in order)
@syz
@ragingloli
@Dutchess_III
I vote for Cazzie’s delivery guy!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel, they say it’s only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her vagina, doc says “that looks nasty!” She says, “nasty, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
@Dutchess_III The absurdity didn’t even occur to me until I got home and told the story. the umming and ahhing of the delivery guy completely put me off realising the real-life punchline and I was more annoyed by the fact I had to stop what I was doing for the deliveries. He probably thought it was some stupid practical joke, that a semen delivery was addressed to someone named ‘A. Dick’. For me, it was just another day in the office. Alistair’s wife got pregnant and was having a little girl. You should have heard the list of names they were deciding to NOT use. We helped compile a few. (Iona, Ivana, Annie, Carrie, ....)
“Who’s funny?”
The eighth dwarf that Snow White didn’t much speak of.
I am not funny; the only time anyone ever laughs when I am around is if I asked for money, if my singing was good or when I asked for sex from an attractive woman. They not only busted a gut I could still hear them 150yd out. Now they laugh when I speak of God.
Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music every time it flushed?
Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
One of my favs.
What did Jeffrey Dahlmer sing on the way to his fridge?
“My baloney has a first name…..”
I just watched a film where a man’s wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer, and his son is left physically disabled. Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped, and the man has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Finding Nemo is a real thriller.
Heisenberg is in the driver’s seat, the officer asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know exactly where I am!” The officer looks at him confused and says “you were going 108 miles per hour!” Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, “Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?” Schrodinger angrily yells back, “We do now, asshole!”
It’s funny every time I hear it. ^_^
Haha! That’s hilarious. And what I get for not reading the whole thread. I’ll leave it as an homage. :)
I’m not funny. I’m normal. Perfectly normal, I tell you.
Well, okay, mostly normal…
^^^ She might be ticklish.
Do you mean funny Ha Ha or funny Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaange?
Isn’t there a lake named Funnihaha?
@Jonesn4burgers You’re already following me. I don’t have to be funny. :0) hehe
@Katniss That’s cuz you are pretty : )
But you’re also funny.
I am.
Without question.
Any disagreements are likely politically motivated.
@SecondHandStoke I disagree with that on religious grounds.
Sure, NOW you can play the ‘race card’.
Groucho Marx penned one of my favorites: “Outside of a dag, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
@glacial I don’t get it. Guess I don’t know enough about physics.
—@Skaggfacemutt I think “dag” was a typo. It was supposed to be ‘dog.’ Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
@Skaggfacemutt
Among other things, Heisenberg was known for his uncertainty principle, which states that a particle’s speed and location cannot both be known at the same time.
Schröedinger‘s cat is a story that illustrates an seeming paradox of quantum mechanics: that a particle must exist in two states at once, until it is actually measured or observed (I am taking several shortcuts in this explanation). Schröedinger extrapolated this idea to something more tangible (a cat), saying that if the cat’s life depended on the state of the particle, it must be simultaneously both dead and alive, until it is revealed which is true. So, finding out that the cat is dead doesn’t just reveal the state of the cat – it kills the cat.
@glacial: Milo here; my uncertainty principle has Schröedinger inside the box.
The new kid that is mad her mom won’t let her hide out in the movie theater for her 1st kiss with the boyfriend and is keeping them from having a relationship.
I’m betting she is, oh, I dunno…maybe 11? haha
No wait, she is 11 and her boyfriend is 19…..yep, that’s gotta be it! lol
Don’t you know they’re in looooove?
I was walking along the beach when I saw a small boy lying on the sand who had been stung by a jelly fish. I remembered that if you are stung by one you should piss on it, so I dropped my trousers and started pissing on him. His parents were not too pleased though, apparently it does not work when they are dead.
My wife has been a magicians assistant now for a while . . . .
I think she’s learning some things . . .
I came home early today and she was in the bedroom . . she shouted Abracadabra and my best mate Dave came out the closet naked . .
Poor bastard must have wondered what was going on.
When I was a child, the local priest would say to me “God watches you when you masturbate!”.
I said “Is he a paedophile, too, father?”
I am of course joking, I did not say that.
I had his cock in my mouth.
Or who has no sense of humour whatsoever.
Mary had a little lamb…. and then her husband found out.
Teen went in to buy condoms for the first time. The cashier said, “That will be $4.99 with tax.” The guy turned pale and backed away. “No thanks, I don’t want these if that’s how you keep ‘em on!”
How many truckers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. He can screw it just fine, but he still can’t turn it on. (Sorry Squeeks)
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but…
every once in awhile you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye. ;-)
ITT:
Too many that don’t understand that attempting to be funny on command rarely works.
@SecondHandStoke True, but some of us are naturally funny and witty without contrivance.
It’s all about flow and fast brains. lol
Oh, I was not suggesting that I wasn’t naturally funny Poptart.
ITT users are popping out jokes with no context because of the OP.
I don’t dance on command.
@Coloma “Poptart”, haha, okay “cupcake.” ;-)
I had one particular uncle of mine, from Washington state, who would call and say “Write me a funny letter, Val!!” Um….....
No. Q was the evil universe guy on Start Trek the Next Generation. It was my Uncle from Seattle who would say that. No relation that I know of.
Q was not evil. He was God.
oh wait
The was a chronic prankster, therefore He WAS God:
“I don’t mean to start any blasphemous rumors.
But I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor.
And when I die I expect to find him laughing…”
More real life evidence that God thinks this whole “i’ll make humans” thing is an ironic laugh riot:
Restless Leg syndrome.
Snoring.
Autoimmune diseases.
Deadly diseases of men’s and women’s reproductive systems.
I’ve thought of more but they aren’t coming to me now.
@SecondHandStoke
Well, the christian nutters will tell you that these are all the fault of adam and eve, a result of the fall and the expulsion from eden.
Having been born to Christian fundies I had this pounded into my head.
My mom sincerely believes this shit.
Limp penis syndrome, anyone? Got Viagra? Yeah, my dog needs it.
I was at an auction yesterday. They had gotten to a table of linens and blankets and stuff. I was on the other side of the room when I heard “Red, white and blue Afgan!” It gave me pause. Don’t know about anyone else.
An acquaintance of mine used to still breast feed her kid when he was already 5 years old.
Once she was asked, if he was not too old already to still be breast-fed.
So the 5 year old released his mouth from the nipple, turned around and said ”Oh, fuck off!”.
Holy crap….how is the kid today?
what makes you think this ever happened?
It sure is possible. My daughter was showing high verbal skills well before her first birthday, but refused to give up the breast. She didn’t have a potty mouth, but easily could have picked it up from neighborhood kids. She was 16 months old and correcting their grammar! I finally got her broke of breast feeding just before her second birthday, I had tried numerous times, but she refused to neat table foods. I was afraid to let her hold out too long at a time, because at my age I would have lost my production quick. I pictured her with a feeding tube. Three weeks before her second birthday, I got the flu. I lied. I said that being sick would make my milk sick, and that it would be very dangerous for her to have any. I told her she’d have to make do with “grown” foods until I got better. Of course, I’d been correct about it leaving quick. By then though, I had her trying and liking things. Wow! Did she get mad when she overheard me tell someone of how I’d tricked her!
(Good story! But, trust me. Kids will NOT starve themselves to death.)
@Dutchess_III
Which would be irresponsible of you, if you let them.
I mean, they would not have any meat on them, when you have to eat them.
@Dutchess_III
I don’t understand the Viagra stigma.
We, awesome human beings that we are, have extended (sorry) our lifespan almost on whim.
Age related impotence is merely a growing pain.
You know, that’s a question I want to ask. When a person is “impotent,” do they still have a really strong sex drive, but just can’t do anything about it, or have they simply lost their sex drive? If they’ve lost their sex drive, why not just let it be? And why isn’t the diminishing sex drive for women addressed as intently? Why don’t they make sex enhancing drugs for women? Why just the men?
Response moderated (Obscene)
How obscene was that comment? ^^^^ Since when has obscene been a problem on here? lol
Me too! I was shocked at the designation. I’ve never seen it here before. What did it say @Coloma?
I don’t know, I was asking YOU guys! lol
We thought you’d seen it….I’m dying of curtiosity here!
@Dutchess_III
Impotence, as treated by Viagra, et al__ Is a _physical problem.
It’s an issue of poor bloodflow due to constricted vessels.
Psychological impotence is another matter, though success in the physical can lessen mental barriers.
It’s entirely possible for a person to be very much in the mood yet not able to reach a state of physical arousal. (Have you never done cocaine?)
This is an issue also experienced by females, though not the only one.
Many equivalents of Women’s Viagra address the psychological side. For some women this is enough to fix any physical manifestations of non-arousal. Some help with purely physical side of arousal, thus allowing the mental side to come alive.
Ahem, just for the record here…it wasn’t me!
No, I’ve never done cocaine.
It was a joke by Jimmy Carr, quoted word for word. Apparently he is too “obscene”
Wait! There’s a record of Jimmy Carr telling obscene jokes while doing cocaine? All this whispering is makin me dissy!
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE OBSCENITY WAS! I’m going to post one myself to get a mod’s attention.
Penis.
^Not an obscenity, just the male sex organ.
Really? CRAP. I always thought penis was the plural of PEN! That explains _sooooo MUCH!
The pen-is mightier than the sword, better keep it sheathed then.
I’m trying to be obscene so a mod will come in here to moderate me then realize he or she needs to tell us what that post said!
Vagina nose.
Jimmy Carr? Was it the ugly old women joke?
Jimmy Carr isn’t funny, more of a tax cheating posh twat i’d say.
Aww… he’s one of my favourites. Kind of like what Daniel Tosh would be if he were actually intelligent.
Well I guess we shall forever never know what obscene thing this way came and went.
Carr’s laugh is soooooooo fucking irritating, he looks like he should be related to Hitler too.
I stole this from Apple on another thread of mine.
^^^Mortgage Up the Ass! LOL!
Wait…that was kind of sad, actually. :(
No, it was just plain hilarious!
But it’s pretty much exactly what happens when a marriage ends up on self destruct. :(
LOL…too funny. ....and in the lead Alimony followed by Wage Garnishment and Cobra! haha
@ragingloli
If it was a joke by Jimmy Carr then was hilarious and we are all the lesser for having missed it.
(Consulting YouTube now as a matter of principle).
Who the hell is Jimmy Carr?
How did this question devolve from a somewhat impertinent request for Jellies to prove they were funny to a discussion of Jimmy Carr – whoever he is?
Devolve?
Because what one finds funny is a decent metric of one’s sense of humor.
I’m putting myself in the ‘Jimmy Carr isn’t funny’ camp.
Now Larry the Cable Guy, he’s funny!!
@Katniss
They represent very different camps of humor.
NYC is crammed with comedy clubs. Wanna go with me?
I’ll wear the eyeliner…
Yes! lol I’m moving to NY in about 8 weeks.
@SecondHandStoke Aha – fair enough. In that case, I’ll say I find Groucho Marx and Oscar Wilde funny.
Larry the Cable Guy used to be a call-in guest at our local radio station. He wasn’t funny then, and he’s still telling the same joke. “What is this, Russia?”
@Katniss:
@Seek_Kolinahr isn’t disagreeing with you for the sake of disagreement.
She simply envisions herself above LTCG’s brand of humor.
Fortunately in the case of humour, perception is reality. ^_~
^^ Or, to paraphrase, you attract the audience you deserve
^Keep that in mind when you’re dating.
^^No longer one of my hobbies, but thanks for the tip.
Wasn’t Jimmy Carr like, our first president? Well, like, MY first president because he’s the first president I ever voted for.
You all are sooo not funny!
^Irreverent humor frightens some people. (Please, as accurately as possible describe in your own words the nature of the butthurt).
Everyone’s loss.
When those who know what’s best for us dismantle the first amendment comedians will be at the War on Free Expression’s front.
What’s going on in here? You kids settle down, or I’m going to turn off the lights! DON’T make me have to call your dad! 0_o
They’re being serious! Make em STOP.
The next one to throw a pillow goes on time out! Poor @ibstubro, are you okay?
Throws pillow, puts self in time out, plotting and waiting.. CAN I GET UP NOW????
My son actually put himself in time out once, when he was about 5. He came in from outside, where he’d been playing with the day care, and sat down in the time out place. I said, “What are you doing? I didn’t put you in time out.”
He sighed and said, “Well, when you find out what I just did you’re going to put me in time out, so I decided I’d just get started.”
Oh, those moments when you have to keep a straight and serious face…at least until you can get to another sound proof room!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Now that’s more LIKE it. This is my FUNNY thread, not serious thread.
I used to put myself on time out when my baby did wrong. I would lock myself in the bathroom and say, if you are acting like this, I must be a bad mommy. I get time out. I would hear,“No mommy, I’m sorry.” that would be it. If I did that nowadays, my daughter would say,“Fine. I’ll be playing xbox.”
Here’s one, @Jonesn4burgers. I JUST noticed that every other box is green. Sigh.
I really, really hate that color green. That blue-green. Hate is. Fact, I think I’ll disappear.
Perhaps you’ve tired of ‘Mental Ward Green’ at some point in your life, @Dutchess_III?? Hmmm?
Ha ha @ibstubro! No, it goes back to when I was 3 or 4, that much I know.
@Coloma “Don’t touch yourself. Ask the staff” Hahaha. I hope that wasn’t in the elevator toilet.
^ Where’s that damned call button? Staff? Oh, STAFF!!
Care to join me in this coffin?
Where did you find a proper coffin?
One day this week we picked up a chair that was covered in cat hair. Someone called my attention to it, and before I could reason a response, I said “That chair has enough hair on it to re-upholster a cat!”
I am hilarious, as you know.
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