Engaged at 17?

I think you should express your “best wishes” for a happy, long engagement.

If the girl asks for your advice, specifically, lay it on her. Not so much discouraging her engagement as encouraging her personal achievement and goals.

And don’t be surprised if it all goes right over her head. I have a 24 year old brother that thinks he’s going to be a famous scriptwriter because he’s attending a school that teaches scriptwriting. No matter how many times I try to drill it into his head that for the sake of his child he needs a Plan B, because there are a billion writers in the world (and gods, all of them are better than him. Ugh.) and there’s no guarantee that his scripts will pay the bills.

It’s frustrating, but you can’t live their lives for them, y’know?

When are they getting married? Is she going to go to college? Is she super religious and her fiance is the same religion? Do you think her parents are ok with it?

I think let her do the talking. Since you are so much older than her I think you can encourage her to pursue her goals, but really, a 17 year old often does not have goals or know what they want to do. Depends on the 17 year old. Usually, a 17 year old who is engaged does not have big plans about getting a PhD, or starting their own empire, but you never know. It also has nothing to do with how they will think when they are 22. People change and mature a lot in those years.

Is her fiance a good guy at least? Will he encourage her to be the best she can be. Is he responsible, earns money, etc.

Be happy for her. It’s not your place to tell her this a bad move.

I don’t know. I want to say be happy for her, and I want to say what the fuck is she thinking? No skills, he’s in a band, she’s employed part time. I don’t have a clue what to say.

@chyna Yes but you agree this is a bad move?

I won’t comment.

Okay, I’ll stop here.

She will be getting married only next year. By that time she would be 18. 18 years old is definitely too young to get married, but people do marry that early and it does sometimes work out.
You cant really judge from the age and tell whether it is a good idea or not. It depends on the person really. It’s her life, and it’s her decision. If she is ready to get married, and is 100% sure that she wants to be with that person for the rest of her life then sure, she can get married. I think you should just be there for her during this time and be happy for her.

People are FREE to make their own choices and their own mistakes. This is how we learn as humans. Keep your mouth shut and vent behind the closed door of fluther here.
I agree, the odds of this working out are about the same as being struck by lightening while simultaneously being jumped by a mountain lion, but…it’‘s not your place to spout your opinion. Smile, wish her well, be done.

Life is about taking chances, especially when you’re young, no big surprise here, just life unfolding as it tends to do.

You can honestly and sincerely say that you wish her to be happy. Focus on that. You do not have to agree that this is the way to accomplish it. You don’t have to comment on her plans. You can just say that her happiness means a lot to you and you hope that she will find it.

Be a friend to her. Don’t judge her and alienate her. She may need your support before this is over. Again, you don’t have to be in favor of the relationship in order to extend your loyalty and caring to her.

Why is she forsaking college because HE is in a band?

That’s the part I would focus upon if she asks you for advice. Encourage her to pursue her education. This way, regardless of what happens to this relationship, she will be able to earn a living for herself first and possibly for the two of them.

If you are really close with her as you mentioned, you could urge her in the strongest way possible to avoid bringing a child into the world until her college is finished or he’s made it big enough to handle things financially.

Trying to talk her out of this upcoming marriage is likely futile and, as others have mentioned, you don’t want to alienate her. But keep the focus on her education and delaying pregnancy. Who knows; she might even listen and take it to heart.

A mistake.

A lot can happen in a year, and people get in and out of relationships all the time at that age. She’s probably infatuated and excited, right now, but there’s a good chance that the relationship won’t last because they’re both so young.

Teenagers can be really stubborn and a lot of them don’t listen to advice, especially teenagers who are impulsive and immature. But you might be able to get her to listen if you tread carefully and pick your battles. Being engaged in high school is a bad idea, but missing out on college for a high school boyfriend is a potentially life-altering wrong turn. Leave the engagement stuff off the table for now, but really, really talk to her about college and career plans.

No, it’s not your place. Unless she specifically asks if you approve of the decision, keep your feelings to yourself. Her life, her decision – shitty or not.

I had missed that she is giving up going to college. Maybe she is happy to get married because she doesn’t want to go to college. Her way out of all the expectations her family might be putting on her? Marriage can be an escape. Escape from home life with parents, escape from next step expectations in life. Or, I should say the fantasy of escape from those things, and they really might love each other in addition to all that. She is so young it likely will end fast or work out and be married happily forever. Hopefully, it doesn’t drag on for years in unhappiness. If it ends quickly she can still get her life on track easily. If it winds up being a great marriage then great.

Ummm…... Is she pregnant?

@LuckyGuy Great question! I would think she might get married before July if she is.

Be happy for her. Pretend if you have to. Don’t ruin the moment for her. Even if you voice your opinions, she won’t listen. IF she asks, tell her to really think about it and make sure she knows she’s doing the right thing.

I don’t why it should matter what they do for money or how much of it they have or how steady the flow is. Marriage is supposed to be about love, not gold digging the most convenient life.

There is no reason they can’t work on getting a career and steady income after they are married, by working on it together.

Thanks for all of the great answers. I am meeting with her shortly and I’m just going to keep my mouth shut for the most part and let her have her excitement. Just to clarify: No, I don’t believe she is pregnant. And I realize that marriage is about love and commitment and I understand that there are young people who do have successful marriages. However, they each live with their parents, she makes minimum wage and he makes NO money. In my opinion, I think you should have some type of income before starting a life with someone. They are expecting to rely on their parents. I just think it’s very immature. That’s all. Thanks everyone.

@eferrara Won’t their parents tell them they will not be supporting them financially? If not, there are much bigger problems than what you can probably fix. Their whole upbringing to be independent adults is in question. I’m all for helping ones kids get their lives started, but for adult children to assume their parents will support them? I have a hard time believing her parents will be ok with that.

You should tell her it is not mature to get married so young, tell her about what could go wrong, kinda scare her out of doing it this young, But I hope she as a full and happy life, Tell her I wish the best (Even though I don’t know her)