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Dedusly's avatar

What should I do next?

Asked by Dedusly (24points) November 10th, 2013

Okay, I’ll keep this as short as possible. I’m 16 and for all I know, that may have something to do with it, but about 2 months ago I realized I had a crush on a girl at school. I never really looked at her that way before, so it took me by surprise, but the heart wants what it wants. Anyway, we never really talked before, but I started to talk to her and we became friends. I told her I liked her one day and she said she didn’t feel the same way, so I let it go. Eventually we kept talking and I wasn’t to sure if she forgot I liked her, but we became closer. We spoke almost every day over Facebook and one day while talking she initiated some playful insulting. We were going on about how we would fight each other and stuff, but she eventually she said something that I got mad at. I told her that it pissed me off and that I need to cool off and won’t talk to her for a bit. I calmed down after about 2 days and messaged her back to tell her I was over it. Now she won’t reply to me and I’m not sure what her problem is, because it never even says she has seen my messages, meaning she ignores them. I still like her and was hoping our friendship would turn into something else if I kept at it. Should I leave it alone and wait for her or should I persist?

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13 Answers

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Smitha's avatar

Here she already said she does not love you, then she insulted you(even though it was playful one, you got hurt) now, on top of that she’s ignoring you. Still you love her?
All you can do right now is to ask her straight up. It doesn’t hurt to ask her what she think’s of you and why she’s ignoring you. You can continue to be friends if she likes.
To me she just seems like a mean person. Moving on is the best option. Why embarrass yourself. There are better girls out there!

Dedusly's avatar

@Kardamom It may seem like that previous answer, but I guess it’s just a coincidence. It isn’t typical behavior for teenagers to insult each other, she is very playful and we were talking about her height, so it escalated from there.

@Smitha I never said I loved her, I like her and have a crush on her, but at the moment I’m not in love. I have no problem with her not liking me back, being friends is enough for me. It may come off like she is a mean person seeing as I didn’t go into any detail, but I can assure you she is one of the nicest people I have met. The only reason she insulted me was that we were playing around and she went a little too far, which she didn’t mean to do. I have no interest in moving on, my only problem is that I don’t understand why she is ignoring me. I’m the one who got insulted, not her, so why is she now ignoring my messages?

I appreciate both your responses, it means a lot that you are trying to help me with my problem. The same goes for any more responses from now on.

Smitha's avatar

Just go talk to her because unless you don’t do that you will have absolutely no clue what the actual reason is. Maybe she just has something going on at home or she was not in a position to read your messages.

(Sorry I misunderstood your “like” for “love”. I just went through the major points.)

johnpowell's avatar

I think you kinda fucked up with this: I told her that it pissed me off and that I need to cool off and won’t talk to her for a bit.

You don’t say that shit unless you are married.

Dedusly's avatar

@Smitha Yeah, I’ll talk to her when I’m at school again.

@johnpowell I don’t know, It really depends on how you look at it. I don’t think I fucked up, because I thought of 1000 other things I could have said apart from that. But in the end I won’t know until I talk to her and I don’t think that’s something a married person would say, I think it’s something a level-headed person would say.

Thank you for your responses, but I don’t think I will need anymore. I kind of made this post in the spur of the moment when my emotions were high, but I won’t know what’s wrong until I ask. Thanks everyone.

SavoirFaire's avatar

“I don’t think I fucked up”

Of course you don’t—you’re 16. But you did.

“because I thought of 1000 other things I could have said apart from that”

Well, it looks like you should have thought of 1001. Just because there were worse things you could have said doesn’t mean that what you did say was right.

“I think it’s something a level-headed person would say.”

A level-headed person realizes that different kinds of relationships require different kinds of interactions. There’s not just one way that a level-headed person acts all the time. A level-headed person understands social nuances and responds to them appropriately. And this is what @johnpowell was pointing out. “I need to cool off and not talk to you for a bit” is something you can say to a spouse (or very close friend) because they understand being in the position of loving someone and wanting to spend a lot of time with them but also needing occasional vacations from their company. But pulling that kind of thing relatively early on in a relationship just raises red flags about what you’ll be trying to pull later.

“I kind of made this post in the spur of the moment when my emotions were high”

Saying things you later come to regret seems to be a bit of a pattern for you. Think about that.

“I won’t know what’s wrong until I ask.”

Not the specifics, no. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give you some pointers on how to do better in the future (if you’re willing to listen to them).

kritiper's avatar

I’ve been down that road many times. She is aware of how you feel and she thinks that you’re trying to get close. Too close. So she’s trying to tell you, in a round about way, to back off!

Valerie111's avatar

Talk to her the next time you see her. If she’s mad at you, she needs to tell you so you both can fix it. If she is going to be immature about it and just ignore you, she isn’t worth the hassle.

glacial's avatar

“I told her that it pissed me off and that I need to cool off and won’t talk to her for a bit.”

No. You don’t ever say this.

And for those men who think it’s ok to say it if she’s your wife… good thing you’re not married to me, because you wouldn’t be for long.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@glacial Married couples fight from time to time, and it’s good to let the angry chemicals metabolize before going back and trying to discuss the matter rationally. Is it really immature for a couple that knows each other to admit this? I don’t think either @johnpowell or I meant to say it’s okay to stay away for a few days or anything like that. But we all need our alone time, and spouses should respect that.

glacial's avatar

@SavoirFaire You say that this quiet period is “letting the angry chemicals metabolize” (a metaphor that is difficult to take seriously), but from the point of view of the person who is on the receiving end, it feels very much like punishment via silent treatment. It’s childish, and in my experience does not bring either party closer to a resolution.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@glacial It’s not a metaphor. Anger causes chemical changes to the body and brain, and it helps no one to keep fighting while these are obscuring one’s mind. And yes, I do recognize how it feels to be on the receiving end. But I think you and I are imagining the saying of this differently. I am thinking of someone calmly saying, “I need a moment to cool off.” This is a mature thing to do, but it is still something that can only be done in the context of certain relationships.

You can’t pull it on someone you aren’t very close with because they won’t have any reason to take it as anything but an immature move. This is especially true if one says “I’m not going to talk to you for a few days,” as the OP did. If you signal in advance that the problem is you and not them, however, it should not appear to be the silent treatment to a rational and mature adult. Sure, it’s still going to feel shitty. No doubt about it. But that’s why you can only do this kind of thing with someone close to you.

My father has an anger problem. This is how he has learned to cope. Instead of storming off while cursing, he gathers a moment of calm to explain that he needs to go away for a moment. It’s an awful feeling for me. I’m sure it’s an awful feeling for him, too. But he has proven to himself time and time again that not walking away just makes things worse. So while the walking away is not itself something that brings the parties closer to a resolution, it helps one reach a state where they can come to some reconciliation. Sticking around and fighting through it, however, just deepens the rift.

Now, two people who are able to fight productively won’t need this. I’m happy to say that when my wife and I fight, we typically do not need to take a moment apart. But not everyone is like this—and I would bet that virtually no one is like this all the time—not least because it is as much about the combination of people fighting as it is about the individuals. That is, it has nothing to do with individual failings or even failings on the part of the couple. There’s no guarantee that even a genuinely loving couple will be able to fight productively in all cases.

People in those situations need another approach, and I don’t think “fuck it, I’ll just get a divorce” is really the best alternative. When two people make a commitment like marriage, they’re signing up for more than just the good times. They’re also making a promise to find a way through the bad times. For some people, this is the way through. I see no reason to take it away from them.

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