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antimatter's avatar

How to tell if someone likes you?

Asked by antimatter (4392points) December 26th, 2013

I met a woman at work and we started chatting every time when I see her at my work, we went on a first date and it went well, than we went on a second date for dinner and on our second date we had a good time, chatted a bit even invited me over for coffee. She mentioned that she would like to spend one weekend with me. Than before Christmas I invited her again for coffee and she said she would come back to me (that would have been a third date) but she never did.
And on Christmas eve she send me a message wishing me Marry Christmas, I asked her if I could come over the following day but she told me she is going to visit her brother, but that was not true because I bumped in to her daughter at a mall, I called her but she is not answering her phone and she is not replying to my text messages. I don’t want to force the issue with her because she is a an introvert and she got divorced a few years ago. I like her because she is a well educated woman.

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10 Answers

BosM's avatar

From what you have described I’d say she may have had a change of heart and wants to be your friend, and not romantically involved. It appears she is sending you mixed messages, so, back off for a while and see what she does. If she re-initiates contact then have a conversation about what she wants – a friendship or something more. If she doesn’t contact you it sounds as if she is not ready for a relationship right now. Good luck to you.

XOIIO's avatar

holy crap its the adult version of all the stupid teenage questions.

@BosM said all I would have said, except that it’s most likely it’s not going anywhere

hearkat's avatar

Adult relationships can be just as complicated as teenage ones, because many folks have emotional scars from previous relationships and complicated familial relationships – especially if they have kids.

Dating in my 30s and 40s was no picnic, as I am introverted, socially awkward, and had an abusive childhood making those things even worse. After my divorce I was terribly insecure and had a lot of deep issues. I was a nightmare to date. Eventually, I recognized my behavior was self-sabotaging and also harming my child’s emotional development, so I stopped worrying about being in a relationship and focused on myself and my son.

When I felt stable enough to date again, I found that I was better able to detect when the guys I was talking to had issues of insecurities or ego, and I would not pursue a relationship with them. Eventually, I gave up looking, because the majority of people ‘seeking’ relationships seemed needy, and neediness is bad for relationships. It was then that I encountered a gentleman who shared similar interests and we struck up a friendship and realized that we have great chemistry and compatibility and we decided to build a romantic partnership (we just passed the four year anniversary of our first “official” date, we are in the process of buying our home which we’ve shared for three years, and we’ve been engaged for almost 2 years. College financial aid rules for my son’s education are the reason we aren’t married yet).

The key is to not act like a teenager, and wonder what she’s thinking; but to act like an adult and to ask her what she’s thinking. Mature adults communicate and take accountability for their own actions, and they do not tolerate games or immature behavior from others.

In the situation you describe, I would straight out say, “I really enjoy your company and friendship, and would like to get to know you better. However, I am getting mixed-signals from you, and I’d appreciate if you could give me an explanation and let me know if you want to be friends or if you’d rather I leave you alone.” Place the ball in her court and step back. If she does nothing after a few days, move on. If she comes back sincerely apologetic and expressing reluctance because of past experiences, then it is up to you if she seems reasonable enough to be able to overcome those worries, or if she seems too irrational and immature at this point in time (such as the ‘damsel-in-distress looking for her knight-in-shining-armor).

If you decide to move forward, I recommend keeping the relationship platonic until you are certain that she is stable enough for a healthy romance and that you are both compatible in expectations for how a partnership works (finances, chores, all the little things that make a big difference in the day-to-day of real life). If you lead her on and allow romance to enter the situation before you you are ready to make some degree of commitment, there is a good chance that one or both of you will wind up hurt. That doesn’t necessarily mean waiting months, because again, you will be assessing her stability and your own level of interest as you move forward. But as long as you are uncertain about anyone’s feelings, it is best to stay platonic.

Katniss's avatar

Just when you thought you were done with all the drama, right?
Sounds to me like she got cold feet. It’s better to find out now, rather than 2 months down the road when there is the possibility of having developed feelings for her.
She’s handling the situation in a bad way and I’m sorry.
You don’t want to be with somebody like that. If she’s avoiding you and lying to you after 2 dates, can you imagine how she’s be later on?
Better to leave it alone and find somebody worthy of your time and energy.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Leave this on her desk and eagerly await her reply.

ibstubro's avatar

I think I’d just keep in casual touch until the holidays are over. It’s an emotional time for most people, and unfortunately not all those emotions are good. She might just be feeling overwhelmed and prefer the ‘space.

Call and wish her a Happy New Year…ask if she has plans. Leave it be, regardless the answer, and keep chatting her up at work. In another week or two suggest another date, and if the answer is no, then take that as you cue to leave her alone.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

@uberbatman Love it. That actually may work.
@antimatter Back off a bit. You’re probably moving too fast. Holidays are for family and you are not there yet. My advice would be to find out what the real reason for the divorce was. That should be mission #1 so you don’t become divorce #2. Been there, in the middle of that that.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

I have a daughter nearly old enough to go to the mall by herself. I would like to think that if I met someone I cared to deate, she could deal with that, but you don’t know for sure until they react. If my daughter started having issues about seeing somebody, I’d want to back off for a little bit so we could work things out. That is one anle.
Being a single parent can work mind games too. Sometimes we can feel like, “If I just had a partner to help me sometimes!” Then later, we realize we were being desperate, and there may be someone we encouraged more than we really wanted to.
That’s two ways I see possible to go there.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Btw, I took my answer from this awesome cartoon

ISmart's avatar

Ask, “hey.. just wondering you think people like me” the answer will give you all you need.

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