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sammyd22's avatar

My fiance cheated on me ... what do I do?

Asked by sammyd22 (7points) July 1st, 2008

I just learned that my fiance of 6 months cheated on me while we were seriously dating two years ago. Do I take a break and think things over, or let it slide?

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41 Answers

osullivanbr's avatar

If it were me, I simply would end it for one simple reason. They have now taken one of the most important things in any relationship away – Trust. Without trust, you certainly don’t have a basis for a successful marriage.

There will never really fully be trust in the relationship there again regardless of how much you want it, it’ll always be at the back of your mind that they were able to deceive you for 2 years.

That’s not to say that this course of action is for everyone, but for me it’s the only option.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

waterskier2007's avatar

i agree with osullivan

cookieman's avatar

Well, not knowing any of the details, I would say to at least suspend the engagement until you can get it sorted out. Personally, I would have some serious doubts about marrying this person.

But again, there are details we are not privy to. If you don’t feel/think you can trust this person again – then don’t marry them. Trust is #1 in any good marriage. IMHO.

wildflower's avatar

What do you want to do about it? It’s not up to any of us to decide since we don’t know how you feel about him, about fidelity and we don’t know the circumstances under which he cheated (were you going through a rough patch?) or how you found out (did he confess?).
What osullivanbr says is true, this is a hit on the trust in your relationship – how do you feel about that? Can you/do you want to work past that?

osullivanbr's avatar

That’s very true wildflower, but the concern I would have if his reasoning for cheating was a rough patch, it doesn’t really help, nor is it an excuse. In my marriage we’ve had our rough patches, as every marriage does. You can’t be worrying about your SO cheating on you everytime you have one. I for one love my wife to death, and we both know that rough patch or not, we are still a team and can trust each other.

Does that make sense? English is not my friend today for some reason

wildflower's avatar

That makes perfect sense, but the rules for what’s acceptable differ from one relationship to another. Being with someone else isn’t a deal-breaker for everyone, but your point is still true, the fact that this cheating wasn’t brought up until now does suggest it was not acceptable. Most likely it is betrayal, but there isn’t enough information to say for sure.

osullivanbr's avatar

Very fair point.

babygalll's avatar

Once a cheater always a cheater.

If they have already cheated. It makes it much easier for them to do it again. Don’t put yourself in a situation where it may happen again.

Remember this quote. “Hurt me once shame on you; Hurt me twice shame on me”.

robmandu's avatar

Obligatory W. quote:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

It was over two years ago, while you were dating?

I think I agree with previous suggestion to postpone engagement until you get the history, reasoning, and trust issues resolved.

But I also suggest considering that two years ago, both of you were likely different people. Try to figure out if those differences have been improvements for the better.

And if you’re up to it, keep us updated here. Wish you the best of luck!

chill_out's avatar

@wildflower, osullivan: I’m not sure, but just by the asker’s name, I’m led to believe that the cheating fiance is the woman (correct me if I’m wrong Sammy).... would that change your opinions at all??

And in my opinion, I agree that trust is the top priority in a relationship and to have that betrayed could be devastating for the health of the relationship. But it was two years ago, and I’m sure your feelings for each other have grown significantly since then. I’m not saying it’s reason to let it slide, just think it through before you make any rash decisions that you might later regret.

Best of luck

wildflower's avatar

Why would that change my opinion? Trust isn’t gender-specific, neither is commitment.

chill_out's avatar

I agree I don’t think gender should play a part in our opinions about the level of severity, but just a thought… Maybe a man would have an easier or harder time forgiving a woman than vice versa… Glad to see it doesn’t though

wildflower's avatar

I don’t believe either gender to be any more or less responsible for their actions. There is no such thing as the weaker sex and men can control themselves just as well as women can.

osullivanbr's avatar

That wouldn’t change my opinion one little bit. Trust is trust. As far as the two years ago thing is concerned, that in a way almost makes it worse for me. This person’s other half keeping that from them for that length of time shows an even deeper level of deception.

jamzzy's avatar

what did your fiance say about it afterwards?

marinelife's avatar

In addition to the cheating, sammyd22, there are some other not-so-good signs. Why are you “just learning” about something that happened so long ago? Did your fiance tell you? Did a third party tell you? Did you find out be accident?

First, I think that you need to take some real time to think about what this means to you and to the relationship. I would definitely suggest suspending or breaking the engagement to show how seriously you take this issue while you take the time you need to sort through this. It is a little hard for us to provide input here, because we don’t know the circumstances of the cheating. There are lots of things for you to think about though:

1. You say seriously dating. Did both of you clearly see your relationship at that time as exclusive, especially sexually exclusive?

2. Since it was two years before you found out about this, how confident are you now that no other incidents of cheating have occurred or are occurring now?

3. What is your fiance’s attitude toward the incident? Has he explained it fully and openly and answered all your questions? Is he eager to show you in any and every way that he made a mistake, you matter more to him than anything, and he will spend every day the rest of his life proving that? Or is he annoyed you are still upset about something that “happened two years ago, for crissake?” Does he tell you to “get over it already?” How he responds now should play a big part in your decision.

Good luck.

elchoopanebre's avatar

I don’t think it’s any of our places to tell you what to do.

Do what you feel is right. Consider, think, and talk to relatives or counselors.

Whatever you do, don’t decide whether to not marry someone because anonymous people on the internet told you so…

:- /

skfinkel's avatar

Does he love you? Do you love him? Do you feel that you can continue to love him in the future? Can he continue to love you? This is an incredibly complex question that can be solved only by the two of you talking very honestly about your lives, your expectations, your future together. If you feel you will never trust him, you need to take that into consideration. Since you don’t yet have children, you have a chance and an excuse to leave him with ease, if you want.

trickface's avatar

She wasn’t your fiance back then, it was two years ago. She might not have loved you back then like she does now.

Forgive and forget if you love her, don’t treat her differently though.

Take the optimistic approach.

osullivanbr's avatar

I really don’t like being the angel of doom on this topic but, taking the optimistic approach could come back and bite you fairly viciously on the ass down the line.

iriemuffin's avatar

End it. In my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.

scamp's avatar

Take a break while the two of you sort things out. You didn’t give us a whole lot of information to go on, so we are guessing here. How did you find this out? Did he/she tell you, or someone else? What do you consider cheating? What happened, and for how long? Have you had any other trust issues with this person? In your heart of hearts, what do you really want to do about this? We can’t tell you what to do in this situation, but we can help to guide once you decide what outcome you are looking for. In the meantime, slow things down and talk to each other openly and honestly about this.

makemo's avatar

For me, this would definitely pose an obstacle for the continual, or at least a happy continual of the relationship, for a good while.

One thing that would have a great deal of impact on how I’d tackle this, would be govened by the degree of candour and true rendition of what actually happened, as described by the partner after a thorough discussion.

If proper uprighteousness isn’t present, I’d “bin” it all and venture forth to something more interesting. If I’m not treated with sincerity in critical moments like this, then it’s nothing worth having, love and everything aside.

On the other hand, IF honesty (as in, totally real honesty) is present, while discussing this mishap from the past, I’d have one question left to ask myself:

Ever since it happened, have we been having a quality relationship with lots of fun and deep interactions, that really binds us together? If the answer is yes: then it might at least be a little easier to decide…

If it would ever help, I can speak through own experience, that these things are possible to overcome.

Symbolically speaking, I think it’s a matter of him/her having to properly going back in time and catch you up.

fabulous's avatar

osullivanbr is right. Once that trust has been broken in any way it just can’t be fixed that’s just my opinion. I know if my husband had cheated on me I just could not forgive him like osullivanbr said a rough patch is no excuse.

Even if you decide to stay with this person will you trust them every time he or she goes out the door or are you always going to wonder where they are or who they are with.

I know whatever happens with my husband no matter how bad it may be I know I can always trust him and never have to wonder what he is up to. That trust is so important to both of us you need to make sure that the trust you have is that important to you.

charliecompany34's avatar

you got your answer about your mate “before” the house, the car, the dogs, the kids and the 6 foot privacy fence in the backyard that cost $4,000. cut it off, take some time for yourself and dont give into vulnerability. you are in a great position now to do whatever your dreams say. move to a seaside state. open a business. this is your turnpike and your fork in the road. once you move on, the right he or she wll find you!

makemo's avatar

I think it’s important to ask oneself why this happened.

As a reflection on what fabulous and charliecompany wrote above:

My relationship has been through this once. Luckily, in our case, it was brought to knowledge in an instant after it happened.

Granted, it took us a good 5 or more years after the incident, to really lay this behind. We have now been together for almost 9 years. A year ago, we were blessed with an adorable son, Astor. And as cloud nine as it may sound, we both enjoy the best relationship anyone of us could ever hope for.

My point is, pride shouldn’t have anything to do with this.

charliecompany34's avatar

love that name, “astor.”

makemo's avatar

Thanks for the compliment, charliecompany34.

charliecompany34's avatar

sounds regal and affluent. names mean a lot.

boffin's avatar

To quote Dr. Phil
“The best predictors of future behavior is past behavior”

ninjaxmarc's avatar

no trust, no solid foundation.
You will always question…..
it will eat you up as it is now.

Knotmyday's avatar

Say goodbye. It is far too psychologically distressing to attempt maintaining a one-sided relationship. Find someone who reciprocates respect.

marinelife's avatar

@sammyd22 So, what did you do if you don’t mind us asking?

JackAdams's avatar

The answer posted by babygalll mirrors my own thoughts.

August 26, 2008, 9:07 AM EDT

ram201pa's avatar

Babygalll said it all…‘Once a cheater always a cheater.’ I used those exact words last year when I broke up with my significant other of 14 years. Life goes on-catch the ride and don’t look back.

yziabites's avatar

i think you should think about it first. everybody deserves a second chance, that is, if he’s asking for a second chance.

Resonantscythe's avatar

@yziabites I disagree. Only someone who is truly, sincerely sorry and truthfully wants to earn the trust back deserves a second chance. No free rides.

notabridesmaid's avatar

I say this as someone who has been cheated on and shamefully as someone who has cheated. Many times when a person cheats there is something they want that they are not finding in their relationship. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING IN THE WORLD WRONG WITH YOU. It could be as simple as the desire just to try something new and break the “everydayness” of the current situation. Or maybe at the time the person is afraid of commitment and feels a moment of re-grapsing their single freedom. Who knows… Anyhow, I have not really known many cases where relationships work out after one person has been so deeply betrayed. As many other people have said…the trust is gone…you may always wonder if he is thinking about that other person. If you fight you will wonder if he is running off to find her or someone else. And honestly there is no way for you to know if he is or not. If you still love him and truly want to make it work and you are confident that it was a lasp of judgement then thats up to you and maybe you can work it out. But you both will really have your work cut out for you to mend a situation like that. I wish you the best.

Violet's avatar

Oh I’m sorry, that really sucks. Can you give up more details on the circumstances?
Why did he do it? Who was it with? How did you find out?

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