Which positive phrases could you jokingly tear apart?

“Smile and the world smiles with you.”

Yes, maybe, or perhaps it will beeyotch-slap you, or think you’re a little slow.

“Everything happens for the best.” No – it fucking doesn’t.

@KNOWITALL Yeah, try smiling in a bar full of drunk Hell’s Angels, if you’re a bloke, that’s not going to end well.
@janbb Nice, just nice.

Sticks and stones may break my bones (can’t argue with this part)
But words will never hurt me (My Ass!)

“When live gives you lemons, make lemonade!”

Yeah, but don’t forget to put some liquor in it, because life sucks less when you’re buzzed. Lemon drop anyone?

I hate overly positive/optimistic people. Be happy, but let’s be realistic as well, shall we?

Every cloud has a silver lining.

No, some just have rain, and thunder, and lightning, and the occasional tornado that rips your life wide open.

“It takes more muscles to frown than to smile!”

It takes one muscle to flip you off.

“I was only joking.” That phrase allows people do say and do cruel things.

@gailcalled That reminds me of a Ellen Degeneres joke about the phrase “just kidding.”

“Did you get a new haircut? Hope you didn’t pay for that thing! laughs I’m just kidding!”
“Well you don’t know how to kid properly, because we should both be laughing.”

@livelaughlove21 Maybe you were supposed to get melons and it turns out you’re dyslexic.

… And flat chested. Damn lemons.

“do say and do”

After the storm, comes the Sun.

Yeah well, you know what, I’m a Viking, fuck the Sun. Plus the Sun appearing won’t pay my bills, will it? Will the Sun give me more than 28 hours of work a week? No, it will not. Fuck the Sun. Goddamn communists.

The early bird gets the worm.

I’ll just quote Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes here; Ew, nice incentive.
I mean seriously. What am I, a fish? A bird? A dead body? I mean Christ.

Good things come to those who wait.

Right, like if someone with cancer just sits around all day and they don’t get treated early enough, the only thing awaiting them is death. I suppose I could just sit around all day and drink alcohol until a miracle happens, too.

They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.

Doesn’t change the fact that they keep stealing my lunch money every day.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Life is a relentless arcade game that costs a lot of money, more like.

There’s no such thing as a stupid question.

Oh yeah? Then where’s the question mark on this keyboard? ;-)

First come, first served.
Not if you have reservations.

“Only the good die young”
Err, Dylan Klebold, Adam Lanza…

All things come to he who waits. Not necessarily.
Nice guys finish last, Not necessarily.
Work hard and you’ll do well in life. Not necessarily .
Start each day with a smile and you’ll have a good day . Not necessarily.
Be nice to people and they’ll be nice to you. Not necessarily.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away . Prove it.

@Aster An Apple!!!!

I always thought it was “A nipple a day keeps the doctor away”! Boy, will my wife be surprised and probably relieved.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Not if it’s an IRS auditor or your ex-wife’s divorce attorney. ;-)

“He who laughs last laughs longest”
No, he who laughs longest is fitted with a giggle jacket & booked into the Bide A Wee rest home for the permanently deranged.

Fair is fair.

WTF does this mean anyway?

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Wrong. The squeaky wheel gets thrown out of the Bar/Restaurant/School/Church/Library/Bedroom/Confessional/CongressionalHearing/Court/CityCouncilMeeting.

Time heals all wounds.

I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit. Your lipline just gets thinner and more drawn, your jaw muscles tighten, you squint under a heavier brow, your chin juts out more than it used to, you absorb the pain and you just keep going because the only other aternative is unacceptable. But the pain is still there along with the scars and you learn to accommodate it. Do it gracefully enough without burdening others and others inevitably assign you “character.”

@Espiritus_Corvus: How about TIme heals some wounds?

@gailcalled I’m not sure about that. I think we adjust, accommodate, learn to own the pain and in that way we get better. But in those quiet, unguarded moments when your mind meanders back to the event, that pain can still be there like it was; fresh and deep and just as sharp as it was the instant we first experienced it. It takes time to grow the protective scars that keep us from falling apart easily, without warning. In that sense, I suppose you could say time heals. But those painfull moments in our lives, and how we handle them, are a big part of who we are. These moments are ours, for better or for worse. And those scars work for us. They show we survived, that we are still here and intact, these are our battle scars earned during a life lived. It is no small feat. I was serious when I mentioned character above. I’m a big believer in character and how it happens to us and what we have to do to earn it. It’s all you really get out of it, isn’t it?

^^You having a bout of insomnia also?

I was thinking of the literal wound..the scraped knee, the barked shin, the cut from the time I put my hand through a pane of glass window when I was chasing my 4-year-old brother.

@gailcalled yes

Ahh, that’s all just field practice before the Big Game.

@Espiritus_Corvus I didn’t read a goddamn thing in your post but battle scars and I’m like, sold dude. But no seriously, I did indeed read the whole post, and if I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re damn wise. Not saying I lived a whole bunch of pain and sorrow in my life or whatever so I can’t relate, but that still makes sense, even in small ways. Power on bro lol. :)

@Aster I said jokingky, “not necessarily” is, as punchlines go, fucking terrible :D

Someone told me that “It may be the early bird that gets the worm, but it will be the second mouse that gets the cheese.”

The glass isn’t half full… It’s twice the size it needs to be.

“The sun shines on the righteous”
Then the righteous fuckers die of skin cancer, hahaha!

@Espiritus_Corvus Time heals all wounds. unless you get a flesh eating bacterial infection.

Home is where the heart is.

I’m pretty sure the heart is in your chest. What about homeless people? Don’t they have hearts then? The only hearts in my house are the ones from my victims. I put them in jars.

A flatulent grandpa…home is where the fart is giggles

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Anyone have any good comebacks?

’“What kills you makes you weaker”?

Michael Schumacher hits head off rock while skiing, been in a coma ever since, around ten weeks.
Didn’t kill him, certainly not stronger though.

Whoa what the fuck @ucme. I was seeing you writing an answer, but your avatar was flipped around. But if I click on your profile or look at your posted answers it’s inverted as you put it…but on the answer thing…it wasn’t…omg what’s going on?

@Symbeline It’s that fluther avatar glitch shit again, gave up trying to work it out ages ago.

Man that’s just weird lol.

Whaddya fink it’s like fa me, all tha fuckin blood is rushin to ma heed :D

That’s the price to pay for being Batman. :D

I’m dreading when it’s pee-pee time #wetbehindtheears #stingingeyes