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Aster's avatar

What act or acts by a mother justify her teen to never forgive her?

Asked by Aster (18381points) April 3rd, 2014

Is there anything a mother could do to warrant a permanent unforgiveness by her child? Or should any behaviors be forgiven by kids at least eventually?

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29 Answers

johnpowell's avatar

I still am upset with my mom for killing my dad and dragging us across the country and into Mexico for a year. I understand why it happened but I think a better option was available.


livelaughlove21's avatar

The same things any person can do that warrants permanent unforgiveness (not a word) by another person. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean she’s a good person.

KNOWITALL's avatar

What ^ said. My mom is one of my best friends, but I still have a lot of trust issues with her because of our past history when she was undiagnosed and not treated for bi-polar and alcoholism. It got pretty rough at times and it took a lot of growing up before I could begin to forgive her.

My niece and I discussed this once, and I was trying to relate to her about bad mothers and how you can recover and get away from them to be healthy. It’s very hard to trust other people when the people you love and trust most in the world hurt you.

augustlan's avatar

My mom allowed me to be sexually abused by her brother for 13 years. I forgive her, but she is not a part of my life. I haven’t spoken to her in 8 or so years.

johnpowell's avatar

I think @augustlan wins the WTF MOM award..

bolwerk's avatar

I don’t understand why anyone ever should be expected to forgive anyone. There are plenty of forms of parental abuse that don’t warrant forgiveness.

Seek's avatar

Forgiveness is overrated.

johnpowell's avatar

Nothing is wrong with hate.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@bolwerk Forgiveness does more to get a person healthy, than holding onto hatred and negativity, for me anyway. I’m not saying you have to allow yourself to be put in the position to be abused or hurt futher, trust me, but letting it go for YOUR OWN good is can be very carthartic.

I watched my grandmother be eaten alive with hatred because of sexual abuse, it’s not a good thing.

Cruiser's avatar

Turning a deaf ear to abuses happening to her daughter, repeatedly falling down drunk in front of her friends, spending her inheritance/college fund at the casinos, abandonment, withholding necessary medical care to correct a life long disability or impairment when it could have made a huge difference in the child’s life…there are a whole slew of reasons and just because they gave birth to you does not mean you are beholden to love and respect your parents.

El_Cadejo's avatar

I recently found out that I have 4 credit cards and around 10k debt from all of them combined. Except well…. I never opened a credit card because I figure “if I can’t afford it today, I don’t need it.” My mom thought differently.

I totally agree with you guys, just because they’re a parent doesn’t mean you HAVE to love and forgive every action, some people are just really shitty parents.

bolwerk's avatar

@KNOWITALL: even if that’s true, nobody is obligated to forgive anyone. There are ways past anger that don’t involve absolution for the hostile party.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@El_Cadejo OMG….what are you going to do?

El_Cadejo's avatar

@KNOWITALL I agree with @bolwerk , I don’t have to forgive “you” or “your” actions to move past it. I simply become apathetic to the whole thing and don’t think about “you” anymore. “You” now just mean so little to me “you” are no longer even worth the slightest consideration in my mind. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven “you”

ibstubro's avatar

I’m in the “Forgive and Forget is Overrated” camp.

It’s all about empathy. If I can put myself in your shoes and see how I might have done the same thing, I’ll cut you a degree of slack. The likelihood of you doing it again is crucial. If I was physically or emotionally wounded more than 3 times, you’re out of my life. I broke with my toxic parents over 30 years ago after telling them “If this is the way it goes down, I will never get over it.

Important to keep your word.

Be real, if you forgot it, you wouldn’t need to forgive it, or claim that you did. More like, “Forgive and stop rubbing your nose in it”, eh?

rojo's avatar

Licking her (the daughters) boyfriend.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@bolwerk @El_Cadejo I’m certain I didn’t say it was a requirement for everyone who’s ever been treated poorly. It worked for me though, and I’m really not a naturally forgiving person, I have to work for it.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

child molestation. when a parent hurts a child or lets it happen, I think that is unforgivable. I am reading a book right now that I got for free. I had no idea what it was about. It is a book about child molestation and I learned that some people should never have children.

It’s called “The Kindness of Strangers”. There are some things a child can never forgive and molestation is sure one of them.

Dutchess_III's avatar

There could be somethings, really heinous things @Hypocrisy_Central.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@Dutchess_III There is nothing unforgivable, if one don’t know that already, there is no way I could make then understand it; that is the best way I can say it.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central Know thy audience, friend…lol

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^ I do, that is why it would be pointless to try to explain it, like one talking golf and another talking NASCAR, there will be no understanding.

ibstubro's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central and “forgettable”?

If you’ll never be able to forget, can you truly forgive?

Isn’t the Lord’s function (forgive and forget) projected on mankind unfairly?

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@ibstubro If you’ll never be able to forget, can you truly forgive?
Isn’t the Lord’s function (forgive and forget) projected on mankind unfairly?
First off, the Lord said He would take the sins of those who accept His Son, and drop them to the bottom of the sea, in other words, wipe the slate clean once you are born again. As for us people, we are not to keep score of how many times anyone has wronged us, but we can remember. Of instance, you let me go into your garage to get a tool you will let me borrow, but I steal your rake. Even if you forgive me for the rake you do not have to forget I stole it as to allow me in your garage again unsupervised as to leave me tempted to steal again. That ”forgive and forget” is of man like ”God helps those who help themselves”; don’t know where it came from, but it is not in the Bible that I have read.

wildpotato's avatar

Used her considerable professional clout to disregard a carefully made and realistic psychiatric diagnosis of Your teen is ok, just upset. Took teen to a different hospital and had the initial meeting with that center’s psychiatrist privately, and without that doctor ever evaluating the teen obtained a recommendation to get the teen committed. Did all this, as near as I can figure, because of her own extreme insecurity as a parent. This event was kind of the capstone on years of emotional abuse.

The thing that makes me conflicted about hating her is that it came out later she had an undiagnosed medical condition that affected her mood. After she had it corrected she gained an even keel for the first time ever, I think – no more crazy attacking screaming mom. Plus, I like her very much as a person now. So it’d be nice to eventually get to a place where I could forgive her. Thanks for your story, @KNOWITALL; it was heartening to read.

LornaLove's avatar

Forgiveness is a journey and a personal thing. No one person can give one answer.

rojo's avatar

@LornaLove I thought this was forgiveness.

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