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JG0207's avatar

What is your opinion in this trust situation?

Asked by JG0207 (133points) May 12th, 2014

I did not want to put my relationship business out there, but I need some opinions. Well, it’s kind of an issue that’s been bothering me for a while now and I need some more views or opinions on it. One day, my girlfriend was mad at me and then, after all of it was over, explained to me that she spoke to her friend (a guy) about them having sex. She tells me she would never do something like this to me, that she is loyal to me. She tells me it just came up and they spoke about it. So someone answer me this, what stops me from thinking that one day, I will make her mad to the point I’ll drive her to do something crazy, like I don’t know, maybe having sex with this guy? What stops me from thinking that one day, in all the fury or whatever that she will go through with doing something that will end up in hurting me. I trust her, I do, I don’t want to have a reason not to, but what can I do? When I have a reason to doubt, I will think the first thing that pops in my head.

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20 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Appreciate her honesty and trust that she won;t do that. Her telling you was a way to build trust that she wouldn’t do that.

And, if you don’t trust her enough to believe what I just said, then you don’t trust her. So either trust her or break it off now.

JG0207's avatar

Yeah I thought that her telling me, was something I really appreciate. But it’s been bothering me since.

marinelife's avatar

If one of those thoughts pops into your head, replace it with all of the kind loving gestures she has done for you. Replace it with her saying that she loves you.

Replace with a mental image of the two of you making love.

JG0207's avatar

@marinelife I tend to do that, I would just simply ignore these thoughts and I would lighten up. I think to myself that she loves me. My thoughts overwhelm me sometimes.

Thammuz's avatar

Have you asked her?

Also, did they actually have sex in the past, and were they reminiscing, or was this “we should have sex, because i’m mad at my boyfriend”?

stanleybmanly's avatar

It’s a simple equation. She will either cheat or she won’t. The one thing that is certain is that obsessing over whether or not it will happen will ruin your life and poison the relationship. The issue really centers on YOU. You must decide whether or not your girlfriend is worthy of your trust. If you think her capable of bed hopping after arguments, you’re looking at a miserable future.

GloPro's avatar

Although you cannot control anyone else and their actions, you can control your reactions. I would be extremely wary of a partner that discusses the potential to have sex with another person. Why would a conversation like that happen if one is in a happy, loving, trusting relationship?

I have had conversations like that with men before, and it’s because there is sexual tension coming from at least one of us. It is not a conversation I deem appropriate while in a relationship, as you get what you give. If the tables were turned it would hurt me to know about.

JG0207's avatar

Yeah, our relationship is not perfect. No one’s relationship is. But it is the best that we are making it, I would say myself that our relationship is amazing. Things like these jot my mind for some odd reason and they’re bothering me. I know she loves me, and I know for a fact she will never do something like this to me. So that should be it, I have no reason to think otherwise. That’s the problem, it just keeps going, it doesn’t stop. I tend to ignore it but I don’t know. I was thinking about speaking with her about things like this one, to kind of get her opinion on it and to see how she feels about it because I have nothing to hide from her, I tell her what is on my mind, but only because I love her and I want to know her reaction towards the situation.

BosM's avatar

She is comfortable enough to have this discussion with you which tells me she feels yours is a mature relationship built on trust and love.

Your response in terms of a “worst fears” outcome indicates you are not as sure of your relationship or your behavior. If you were to do something so bad as to make her run into the arms of another then you need to reconsider what mature trusting love and respect is.

The simple answer is to control your temper and emotions, and find a way to communicate your issues without attacking your significant other. Communication is one of the pillars of a strong relationship. Reflect on why you feel this way, and talk to her about it. Good luck

Cruiser's avatar

I think you don’t trust yourself to not be an asshat to her in the future that will give her reason to go knock boots with this dude.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, revenge sex seems like an awfully immature way to deal with something just because you’re mad. It seems kind of like black mail. “Don’t cross me or piss me off again or I’ll have sex with someone else.” There are better ways of dealing with anger.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Ha ha! If I went and had sex with another man every time my husband pissed me off, I could out brag Wilt Chamberlain!

Dutchess_III's avatar

PS….you are not in control of how she deals with her emotions. You can no more “drive her” to have sex with someone else than you can drive her to be loyal, always.

Unbroken's avatar

Sounds like doubt to me which seems very different then trust. Why not admit that you don’t fully trust her and then try to figure out why?

As to people talking about what could have been…. that is not necessarily unusual. I’ve had that conversation one or two times and I either waited until the current relationship ended or didn’t act on it all. I know at least one of my boyfriend’s has had that conversation before. Again nothing happened. It is recognizing that you aren’t just attracted to a single person, but remain committed regardless because there is more to a relationship then attraction and whims.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I don’t get why she even had to tell him. Some things are best left unsaid…unless you’re trying to threaten someone.

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Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

That is why it is best to have a wife instead of a girlfriend.

However, I seem to me of a case where ones feel they should get kudos for not breaking the trust they had in mind to do. She may have thought to seriously boink the other bloke, maybe because she wanted to wound you badly behind the fight, maybe you sunk in some torpedoes in deep where you thought you didn’t, or maybe she thought it a distraction from the ill feelings of the fight, who knows. She mentioned it, she said she did not do it, no it is up to you to believe her and move on, of be suck in it. If you believe you can make her angry enough to go boink someone else, then maybe you need to find out what you do that makes her angry at you and vice versa. If you have to mention wondering every time you get into a fight, it is on your mind and total trust is no longer there. You need to sit her down and say how you feel that she said that. Ask her how she would feel if you told that to her. Now that you have the opportunity to get all the cards on the table, best start dealing before the deck gets reshuffled.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Perhaps it would help if you would tell us what the argument was about.

LostInParadise's avatar

It is time for a heart to heart conversation between the two of you. I would start out by saying that no matter how angry you were with her, you would not go out and have sex with someone else. I am assuming that is your view, otherwise there is nothing to discuss. Then tell your girlfriend that you expect that as long as you are together you would expect her to act the same and if she does not feel that way to please give her point of view on the matter.

Thammuz's avatar

@BosM Bullshit. People argue, it can happen, nobody’s perfect.

Saying “you drove her into another man’s arms” is tantamount to saying that she’s mentallly retarded and incapable of taking responsiblity for her own actions. If they argue, and she fucks another guy as a response, it’s still her fault and he’s still the damaged party in this exchange.

That said, communication is key, but saying “If you can do something so bad that she cheats on you it’s your fault” is flat out bullshit.

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