General Question

marksonos's avatar

Why do sometimes some guys reject the girls they like?

Asked by marksonos (298points) May 20th, 2014

I’ve had multiple relationships in the past where men (that have told me they really like me) would just throw me out of their lives, move on, ignore. And then after months when things are settled I would talk to them and they’d say they actually liked me a lot but couldn’t deal with the frustration.

What are some other reasons why men could reject the girl they are falling for? Or hate on the person they like?

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35 Answers

Unbroken's avatar

My first question is do they? My flip answer is same reason women do. My following thought is that it could be fear based. Or it could be they are being polite.

My question is what frustration.. there really isn’t enough information here to form an opinion.

So I am going to ask you, What do you fear the most is the answer? This isn’t a trick, I am not saying that it is the answer. But it would be a place to start.

Thammuz's avatar

@marksonos I would talk to them and they’d say they actually liked me a lot but couldn’t deal with the frustration.

There’s your answer.

Khajuria9's avatar

It has to do with their bizarre behavior.
To be honest, I have myself seen some guys who react like this and I keep wondering why.

gailcalled's avatar

What frustration?

Dan_Lyons's avatar

I’ve had multiple relationships in the past where men…would just throw me out of their lives

Perhaps you should not try so many multiple relationships and just stick to one guy at a time.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Insecurity…...they are afraid you are smarter than they.

GloPro's avatar

You have asked basically the same question many ways now. Are we not giving you clear answers or are you beating around the bush with your questions?
The common threads in your questions are the high volume of men and the frustration and them rejecting you. It is not normal for a guy to reject a girl in such a strong way, yet it has happened to you frequently.

You just turned 24, correct? Grow up a little, sweetie. You answered your own question a little while back: you are a tease. I do not intend to sound harsh when I say this, but the problem is you. You have to do a little more self-reflection and figure out what you are doing wrong and why. If you want a different result then try a different method.

jca's avatar

I agree with @GloPro and @gailcalled. What is the frustration from? What are you doing?

The last time you asked about the quick breakup (just about four days ago) Janbb asked you a question at the end of the thread and you neglected to answer it.

Don’t spend so much time on guys and trying to figure them out. Spend time working on yourself. Do you have a good education? If not, figure out what you have to do to get one. Enjoy life, enjoy friends, travel, live, grow. Stop obsessing on guys.

janbb's avatar

@marksonos I agree with the others. As we’ve said in your many other “he’s just not that into me” threads, you seem to be getting invested way too soon with way too many guys. I think you need to step back from dating and work on building up your core self. Begin to look at your dating patterns and why you are spending so many first dates as overnights. After a while, you may begin to see what in you is turning guys off or blocking things from developing in a more relaxed fashion. While I have not had a pattern of dating around, I am recovering from a painful break-up and using the time to develop more focus on other things – exploring meditation, service, painting, etc. What are you apart from your dates? Who are your women friends? What nurtures you?

Just as aside, I do think that many men, in my limited recent experience of two, do the whole ending a relationship process in their heads and only let their partner in when they’re ready to end it. So it does feel harsh.

LostInParadise's avatar

Both men and women can be put off by a date who comes on too strong. It may not seem fair, but we all tend to question the value of what is attained too easily. It is like the Groucho Marx joke, “I would not want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” Playing hard to get is an old trick and it may seem silly, but it a little bit of it can go a long way. The feeling that I get, and please correct me if I am way off the mark, is that you are lacking in self-confidence and have an air of desperation. For starters, and this has nothing to do with morality, try not bringing the guy back home with you on the first night.

flip86's avatar

You need to chill out. Stop trying to move in so quickly. Give these guys some breathing room. People can sense desperation. You sound as desperate as they come.

Just go with the flow from now on. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If not, move on. No need to fret over it like you are.

El_Cadejo's avatar

“they’d say they actually liked me a lot but couldn’t deal with the frustration.”

Sounds like you’re a really nice girl but impossible to be around.

marksonos's avatar

No I know that the problem is me. I don’t let myself go. I am too complex. They think I play games and get frustrated, and hate me for it even though they think I’m a great girl.

But the question was meant to be more broad and less personal. I’ve heard of guys just leaving girls after they begin liking them or getting attached with them.

jca's avatar

@marksonos: As far as the question goes, being more broad and less personal, who knows. Who knows why anybody does the things they do, and it can’t be generalized. Nobody could answer “guys do this” or “guys think this way.” That’s why everyone is saying let it go and move on.

GloPro's avatar

I’m sorry, I have not heard of or experienced a man leaving a woman he genuinely likes. They may choose not to settle down right away, but men usually know a good woman that suits them when they see them, and won’t let them go. Even a commitment phobe will make your life a living hell with his indecision as long as you let him if he really likes you. Casual dates are just that – casual. It’s easy to walk away if you don’t feel a spark.
My guess is they are letting you down easy when you run into one another. The reason is most likely genuine… you’re a nice girl, but they don’t want to deal with the frustrating feelings spending time with you brings.

Everybody is complex.

livelaughlove21's avatar

They don’t. The only reason a guy would do this is if he’s in a relationship already. Sometimes, not even that is enough to stop them. Something everyone does, though, is lie. “I really do like you,” is easy to say whether it’s true or not. Sort of like, “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I really need to focus on my career right now.” It’s a line to let you down easy.

“but couldn’t deal with the frustration”

…what does that mean? Perhaps you should watch the movie or read the book He’s Just Not That Into You.

downtide's avatar

If they all say they can’t deal with the frustration, there is obviously something that you are doing all the time that frustrates them.

You know the old saying; if one person calls you an ass, ignore him. If ten people call you an ass, buy a saddle.

LostInParadise's avatar

@marksonos , Could you give us an idea of what you mean by being too complex and playing games? It seems as if you have some insight into what the problem is.

jca's avatar

There’s a piece missing to this puzzle.

Paradox25's avatar

I’m not sure if there’s an actual name for it, but I call this the facade paradox. This is a paradox where in order to be considered a politically correct normal person, you have to lust for the need of having a partner in your life, but yet not too directly demonstrate this need in order not to turn the other off, even though in reality this need is there or people wouldn’t date and have relationships in the first place.

In other words, you’re supposed to like others, but not show this directly, and play games instead. I think this is one of the reasons I’ve had similar problems as a guy. I had never seen the appeal of this, and why many others do it. I can agree with the concept of not wanting to be smothered, but I think this paradox goes well beyond that. I don’t know you or your situations though, but not all guys are like this.

Quakwatch's avatar

Let’s break this down mathematically. Allow bad traits = X, and good traits = Y.
If X < Y then stable relationship.
If X = Y then equilibrium but probable break up, eventually.
If X > Y then break up is imminent.

marksonos's avatar

@Paradox25 BINGO!

I would tell them I don’t like them when I do, break their heart, tell them we are just friends and then kiss them, tease them, then say we should be friends but get jealous over other girls, then say i dont like them when i do, etc. i never ‘let myself go’ i suppose.

GloPro's avatar

I just replied to your rebound comment on another thread so I am responding to your above statement at the same time. I’m just going to be blunt.

The treatment of a man as you describe immediately above is definitely being a tease and sending mixed signals. It is rude and immature, and I’m not surprised that the relationship fizzles after they get the cookie. If a guy your age believes there is a possibility for sex (of any kind) he will put up with an awful lot from a girl whether he likes her or not.

No one, men and women alike, appreciates having their heads intentionally fucked with, which is what you are doing because history has shown us that you are going to spend the night with anyone that pays you any attention. Hell, you even stayed the night with a drugged-out guy you didn’t even like.

I can’t tell you what your motives are. Maybe feeling chased makes you feel good so you jerk these guy’s heads around and act like you’re in a soap opera. It’s really a turn-off, even to just read your above statement. It’s dishonest and ugly. You will not ever catch a quality guy playing games. You can call it “not letting yourself go” all you want. What you described as your behavior above (we’re friends and then kissing, I don’t like you, no I do) is not the same paradox that @Paradox25 explained above. What he described is being coy and having to play hard to get. You are easy to get, as long as a guy allows himself the frustrating evening of head games. Your current tactics, regardless of whatever is going on genuinely in your head, will not earn you anything more than a reputation.

If you are confused as to whether you like a guy or not then keep your thoughts to yourself and slow the fuck down. It baffles me that you behave as you stated above. I believe that you are actually too immature to be dating at all.

jca's avatar

@marksonos: You really do those things? I thought it was a joke the way you wrote it.

marksonos's avatar

@GloPro I appreciate it. I am much better now than I was a year ago. I need to be honest and stop playing games with the people I want around.

Also, it is not just me. The other side is also confused and sending me extremely mixed signals, and hiding stuff from me. So that also adds upto it because I don’t want to give in to someone whom I don’t know the expectations of are.

I should however be more friendly with men at first and stop thinking about dating or love instantly. I think I should spend a lot time with them as friends, and then once the time is right and we KNOW both that we like each other and want the same thing, i’ll proceed. I’ve never known a man first and then dated him. It was like I got to know him the first date. This is problematic

GloPro's avatar

@jca I apologize in full for being a hypocrite about calling out someone’s flaws… I had to re-type my above a few times to be tactful, and I had our previous conversation in the back of my head…

GloPro's avatar

Do you know WHY you play games?

marksonos's avatar

@GloPro I want them, I don’t want to lose them, I don’t know how to behave to keep them, I don’t know what I want since I am scared of relationships since my past ones were all assholes (it wasn’t me once, i promise) so i just don’t know it! i want to have them forever, liking me… it is better than a relationship. I basically want to get whatever I want if i like a person. and not being in control of their feelings and thoughts lead me to confusion and playing games. I don’t play games for the sake of it. i think its a defense mechanism. mixed with not knowing what i want or should want

GloPro's avatar

So you make out as an attempt to keep them ‘liking you.’ That isn’t working.

You already know that you can’t control them. You can only control yourself. At the moment you are not controlling yourself very well.

Do you have a best friend? Why does she like to hang out with you? THOSE reasons are the same ones that would keep a guy coming back. It’s just an added bonus that he gets to play with your body, too. At the moment you have those two factors switched. You are giving your body and faking your personality. It isn’t a good tactic for the right kind of guy.

Maybe you should make a list of what you want in a guy. Who gives a shit if they want you or not if you don’t want them. It can be confusing when you want a man, and if one shows an interest in you you think he could be it. You can never know that on the first date. That said, there is NO reason to spend the night on a first date for you right now. You need to get your head right and realize that sex isn’t the way to keep a new guy around.

You know what DOES keep a new guy around? Saying thank you for the date, being honest about having a good time, being honest about wanting to see them again very soon, and giving them one hell of a goodnight kiss. Then send them on their way. You have no shortage of dates. There is no reason to fake it or to lie if you didn’t have a great time. Just say thank you and if you must kiss all of your dates, give him a polite kiss and send him away. Go on the next date with someone else and keep trying!

GloPro's avatar

This would be so much easier if we could just have a beer together.

El_Cadejo's avatar

“I would tell them I don’t like them when I do, break their heart, tell them we are just friends and then kiss them, tease them, then say we should be friends but get jealous over other girls, then say i dont like them when i do, etc. i never ‘let myself go’ i suppose.”

“I basically want to get whatever I want if i like a person. and not being in control of their feelings and thoughts lead me to confusion and playing games. ”

And you’re seriously questioning why men don’t want to be around you?

Thammuz's avatar

@marksonos I would tell them I don’t like them when I do, break their heart, tell them we are just friends and then kiss them, tease them, then say we should be friends but get jealous over other girls, then say i dont like them when i do, etc. i never ‘let myself go’ i suppose.

And yet you wonder why you’re single.

jca's avatar

@GloPro: You must have misunderstood what I said in the other conversation. It’s not the calling out of someone’s flaws that I took issue with. It was the calling out of something that someone did that you also did yourself that I took issue with.

Paradox25's avatar

@marksonos I didn’t know you were playing games yourself when I made that response. You know what they say, if you live by the sword you die by the sword.

@GloPro I wasn’t aware of her other threads except for the odd date one.

Gatopaz's avatar

Some guys analyze how far they maybe able to go? If they like you but see that you are no push over they may move on. Stand your ground girls.

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