Who wants to play Corrupt a Wish #2?

I wish I had a week off from work.

The week is spent as a Somali pirate hostage.

I wish that I had dissociative identity disorder

You have it but your personalities are Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck.

I wish I lived on the moon.

The moon is made of stinky cheese
I wish I won the lottery

@flip86 That sounds hilarious!
You win the lottery, as does everyone else
I wish the jelly below me gets a brand new car :D

I got the new car along with the crash test dummy that was stuck in it after they ran it into a wall.

I wish the sun would shine more often around here.

So that the albino kids would get skin cancer
I wish there was gold in them thar hills

There is but you aren’t getting any of it.

I wish this wasn’t corrupt a wish and things came true.

Your wish is granted, and the next person wishes you dead.

I wish I had a photographic memory.

Done, but you’re going blind tonight.

I wish I could write for a living.

You write for a living but can only write in the style of Dr Suess.

I wish I lived in an underwater house.

Whose wish is this?
The wish of Flip.
Flip’s wish is
To take a dip.

Without getting wet, you see.
Say!
What a funny lad
Is he.

His wish no doubt
Will become true
Does he like that?
Not a clue.

No clue I have,
Because, you see,
This Flip will have to
Share with me.

I’m fun, oh my
And I am sweet
But I just love
To gnaw on feet.

I wish I had someone to pick out new clothes for me.

Sure. Let’s head to the costume shop.

I wish I had a cookie.

Those aren’t chocolate chips, it’s cat shit
I wish I could fly, way up to the sky

Granted, but you’re being sucked up in a tornado which will soon spit you out a mile above the earth.

I wish I was as smart as Einstein.

But you must wear his hairstyle for the rest of your days & your new name shall be Bertie
I wish for purple crayons to replace computer keyboards

I receive sand which is dry and wish I had never made a wish.

Granted but you can never make another wish again EVER so you have to quit this game now!

I wish I had some chocolate right now.

You have chocolate, but if you eat it, you will develop huge disgusting pimples all over your body.

I wish I had a boat so I could go fishing.

There’s a Great White that has you on the menu, you’re gonna need a bigger boat!
I wish for world peace (giggles) an end to animal testing (heehee) & free tit implants for all (bashful grin)

You get whirled peas, human testing, which results in free breast implants not just for the chest but for the back as well. And planes are uncomfortable now…

I wish I was flying on a jet plane…

Congrats! You’re now a passenger on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Position, unknown.

I wish I had a delicious seafood dinner ready on my dinner table, prepared to perfection!

Your seafood dish is a perfectly prepared live Synanceia. Enjoy your sashimi!

I wish I could accompany the Doctor in his travels.

The doctor turns out to be a <beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep> quack!
I wish I’m immortal!

You’re immortal, but you continue to age and soon are a wee tiny wrinkled old lady.

I wish I had a Karmann Ghia.

Here’s the keys to your VW along with 200 pounds of Bondo and a sheet of plywood to cover the holes in the floor.

I wish for peace on earth.

Everyone is so peaceful, no work gets done and everyone starves
I wish I could lose more weight

The chemotherapy should help
I wish my football team the best of luck for next season

It’s all bad luck
I wish I had three wishes

The payback being, the genie rapes you for each wish granted
I wish with a wishbone torn from the carcass of an eaten chicken

That wishbone is actually cursed.
I wish I have infinitive number of wishes!

You now have 0.99999999999(9) wishes. (It’s an infinite number, just not in the way you expected.)

I wish I never had to charge my computer.

Your computer’s screen turns blue and you never again need charge it.

I wish I had a steak and lobster dinner.

Granted, but both the steak and the lobster are alive and kicking.

I wish I had a laptop.

Done, but now you’ll never stand again, and your grandson is permanently attached to the top of your lap.
(Good thing you bought those Legos!)

I wish I could sing like Bruce Springsteen.

Pooof You now magically can sing like Bruce Springsteen…when he was one year old.

I wish I could train cats to open the door and come inside without yowling for me to let them in. .

Done. But the cat will never learn to close the door, and your house will become infested with snakes and possums sneaking in during the night.

@ibstubro… which grandson?

I wish my dog would stop barking at shit.

Granted. Now your dog can talk and prattles on endlessly about all the crap it used to just bark at.

I wish I owned and inhabited the Hawaiian Islands

Alakazam! Unfortunately your mansion on the Big Island was recently engulfed by lava from the live volcano there.

I wish I could fly.

You can fly, but every time you do, a member of your family poofs out of existence.

I wish I hadn’t eaten that chicken.

Don’t worry, that wasn’t chicken (remember those family members of mine that poof out of existence whenever I fly? Yup!)

I wish that it would stop raining cats and dogs.&imgdii=&imgrc=H6jny2Xj-JxkHM%253A%3B1o9IlicK299jzM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F4.bp.blogspot.com%252F-somsyP51C0g%252FUwX8N_Har-I%252FAAAAAAAAD4I%252FmCCTb7G10Lg%252Fs1600%252Fraining-cats-and-dogs1.gif%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fmrshallfabulousinfourth.blogspot.com%252F2014%252F02%252Fraining-cats-dogs-writing.html%3B260%3B350

It won’t rain cats and dogs, but it will rain lions and tigers!
I wish I will be young forever!

You got it! You’re now two days old for eternity.

I wish I had the good looks, talent and charisma of the 23 year old Paul Newman.

Congratulations! You’ve been turned into a Paul Newman android! Unfortunately, you’re only switched on someone needs to film a commercial.

I wish this book I have to read wasn’t so long.

Your book is shortened in length to 3 pages but the full text is shrunk to the appropriate size to fit.

I wish I was only alone when I wished to be alone and had company when I wished for company.

Your wish is granted. You are now marooned on a deserted island and when you wish for company you get crabs yes, the infestation kind, not the edible kind).

I wish my car was 24 karat gold.

Later you find out that 99% percent of the gold is fake.
I wish I ruled the world!

You become the ruler of the world, but there is a revolution and you are targeted by your subjects, Adios!
I wish I was a Disk Jockey in a 70’s Discotheque.

Granted. But the only song they play is Kung Fu Figting by Carl Douglas.

I wish this headache would go away.

You are at a bank waiting in line when a robber comes in and there is a shootout with the security guard. A ricochet hits you in the noggin and your headache goes away, as do you.

I wish I had invented sunglasses.

Granted. You invented sunglasses. But you forgot to patent it and all your sunglasses money are belong to me!

I wish I had invented, and patented, the computer.

You did invent the computer, but you did so by reverse engineering alien technology stolen from the Roswell crash. The bad grey aliens, upset with your theft kidnap you and take you to the planet Tralfamadore where you are never heard from again.

I wish my brother would grow up.

Your brother will grow up to the point that he can be bossy to even his grandmother!
I wish I was rich.

You are rich, but you are rich in emotion and human feeling while you are otherwise penniless.

I wish I was a soccer star.

Yup. You’re now the infamous soccer star that punted his team’s ball into his team’s goal to loose the World Cup. (The video of you peeing down your leg after was not encouraging.)

I wish I was a chicken feather.

That would make you a cock tickler
I wish yanks would stop calling it “soccer” because it makes me vomit a little

You vomit but it comes out champagne, which you love, and so you beg the yanks to continue calling futbol soccer.
I wish people would understand that football is not soccer.

Understood. Futball is soccer. Football is not. Football is now an illegal sport.

I wish I didn’t have to babysit today.

Then come to my house. You don’t have to babysit, but you have to elder-sit!
I wish I was a Mafia boss.

Rat-a-tat-tat. You’ve been ambushed, and are now a dead mafia boss.

I wish Cotton was a monkey.

The word “soccer” derives from “association football” so it is indeed football, proper football…just don’t call it soccer

So finally the entire world agrees that football is not futbol, while soccer is futbol but not football.

I wish I had caught that Marlin that snapped the line yesterday.

Done. You caught the marlin, but it took so long your boat was engulfed in a tropical storm, sinking it, and you’re now adrift in the ocean.

I wish my grandparents had never met.

>:-)

Although they met, your grandfather soon adopted the skinhead look and your grandmother dumped him in hot flash. Unfortunately you now no longer exist.

I wish I was a neo nazi

Then I will be a Neo Anti – Nazi! Die!
I wish I was an anti – nazi.

You are an anti-nazi, but your mafia buddies misunderstand this sentiment and blast you to smithereens!

I wish I had a skinhead hairdo {so I wouldn’t need to shampoo ever again}.

You have a Skinhead (how can that be a hairdo?} that is pimply, infected and sure to swell the skin on your head.

I wish I could live in a land of sweetness and light.

Your wish is granted but you soon find yourself Blinded by the Light

I wish I could eat a lobster for dinner tonight.

That losbter’s family will find you and take their revenge!
I wish I had an ostrich for dinner.

ARRRRGGGGGG! MY EYES! @Dan_Lyons

I wish I had Bill Gates’ fortune.
.

You have Bill gates fortune, but you are Steve Jobs. Adios!

I wish I had a reel lawnmower!

Granted. Unfortunately, it has a mind of it’s own and refuses to let you mow your lawn. It mows the neighbors lawn instead.

I wish I had some breakfast.

Go Thai! Instead of jam and butter on their toast, in Thailand some people prefer bat paste. The paste is made by boiling a live bat in milk before being ground into a spreadable consistency.

I wish I had a home movie theater.

Granted. The only movie it plays is, Plan 9 from Outer Space.

I wish I was taller.

You will be tall enough not to fit in any building.
I wish I was famous.

It’s the trial of the century, and you’re the defendant.

I wish my laundry washed itself.

Your magic laundry does indeed wash itself. Unfortunately it does so while you are still wearing it.

I wish I could sleep in just one more hour.

You must sleep in pig shit
I wish Mickey Mouse died at birth

He dies at birth but is reanimated as Zombie Mickey to haunt your every waking moment.

I wish internet was free and available for all.

Got it! Internet is now free and available to all, but at speeds so slow it makes the telegraph look innovative and inviting.

I wish there was an affordable way to return my body to it’s 24 yo configuration without serious drawbacks.

No serious drawbacks—but 712 minor drawbacks.

I wish I hadn’t forgotten to pick up orange juice at the store.

You didn’t forget, but when you came, that store was robbed and your orange juice had gone.
I wish my wish wouldn’t be corrupted.

Don’t play the fucking game then, dems da roolz
I wish Fluther the best of good luck, but fear it’s fighting a losing battle

Fluther goes on and experiences a surge in new memberships and flourishes for the next ten years despite the erroneous fears of its older members.

I wish I had a Bengal Tiger for a pet.

The Bengal Tiger has you for dinner
I wish that the far right political parties would all give up and become woolly liberals

Done. But at the same time, all the woolly liberals give up and move to the far right.

I wish styrofoam was faster to biodegrade.

@Mimishu1995 An alternative answer to the one given by @ucme: Your wish isn’t corrupted, but only because the universe ends as you’re making it.

A styrofoam cup will biodegrade before you can ever drink its water.
I wish I was awesome!

People don’t talk to you because they are so much in awe of you
I wish I liked to eat fish

You do like to eat fish, but only the extinct species.

I wish I that I got all the answers for my Logic final exam correct.

Granted, but you put them on the wrong test and FAILED your entire college career.

I wish I knew where that brown recluse that was in my bathroom ran off to. I’m scared to pee now.

have no fear. The brown recluse with the pretty violin picture oni t is no longer haunting your bathroom. You are free to pee.
(Oh, by the way, it’s now in your bed).

I wish I had an IQ of 210.

Only you have zero personality & smelly breath as a payback
I wish Fluther would last beyond a year from now but hold no fear either way

Fluther sees a surge in popularity, outstripping both Facebook in and Twitter in users. Unfortunately, hours before that happens, you’re modded for using the non-traditional “English” word “nowt” and banned for life.

I wish I had a state-of-the-art new computer, pre-loaded with my personal preferences.

Done, but you have no way of figuring out the password.

I wish the weather were always appropriate for whatever I am wearing.

Downcast & miserable
I wish antique dealers who attend auctions would be going, going gone!

They now all work in your office
I wish I would win the Euromillions jackpot on Friday (£63,000,000!)

You share it with 63,000,000 others :(
I wish England win the forthcoming World Cup…a boy can dream

It’s in a dream of a boy.
I wish all diseases were curable.

Granted, but the cures are temporary and cost thousands of dollars.

I wish I could finally get a good nights sleep.

You don’t wake up in time to go to an important interview for your dream job
I wish I knew what my dream job was

Your dream job is being a regular on the TV show, “Frasier”, but that show is long ago and far away.

I wish I had a pet chicken.

Your chicken gets H5N1 before you ever know it and some days later you both drop dead.
I wish there was nothing I couldn’t do!

There is nothing you can’t do, the exception being that you can only do each thing once(aside from basic human abilities)and you must do everything. Have fun dying of syphylis and having flesh eating bacteria chew off your face. Might want to space those 2 out.

I wish I was Spiderman.

Granted. But you’re doomed to living in the house of a person who has arachnophobia.

I wish someone would landscape my yard.

Done! Unfortunately the landscape artist was also a war buff, and now your yard has 3,481 booby traps in it.

I wish I lived in the Biltmore Mansion, penalty free.

(LOL @jbstubro)! Granted. But you soon discover a secret room you can never get out of.

I wish I had a magical house painter who could do all the wall repairs and paint in 10 minutes, for free.

Too bad he leaves a permanent and horrible smell behind.

I wish was never late for anything.

Granted. But you begin obsessing about not being late so you start planning 8 hours early, even if it’s for a 15 minute drive.

I wish someone would make some jalepeno poppers for me!

They’re ready, but you have to come and get them.

I wish I could pay all of my debts off.

You sold everything you owned to pay off all your debt, now the only way to get more stuff is to incur more debt.

I wish I was the most talented and best loved person on the face of the Earth.

Wish granted, but everyone’s love escalates into obsession and you are ultimately killed by a overly jealous and possessive individual who believes that if he or she can’t have you to his or herself, no one can.

I wish we all lived roughly 38,000 years in the future where man’s galaxy spanning empire is being attacked on all sides by xenos, daemons, and traitors.

In the 40th millennium, there is only war. (Gotta let the fanboy out every now and then)

380000 years is only the maximum human life span. And the average life span? Well, all the xenos, daemons and traitors have the answer.
I wish I became an indestructible virus!

You are an indestructible virus, but you have run out of things to infest infect.

I wish I was 3½ again.

You are 3.5 again… In inches. Damn.

I wish I were 36”, 24”, 36”

Granted So that’s 36” head circumference, 24” height, 36” shoe size
I wish I were less lazy

You are interned to a forced labor camp where you will work 18 hour days 24/7

I wish I can destroy 1 million idols.

Your wish is granted. However, all of those idols actually have the magical powers that the people who created them believe they have, so they all come together and make your life hell on earth.

I wish I could change some people’s minds.

Your wish is granted. You can change anyone’s mind that you want, but it will change in the exact opposite direction you want it to change.

I wish I were an all-powerful magician.

Granted, but your magic is real but some innocent person dies whenever you apply it.

I wish i had a bucked (old beater car) and never an exotic sports car.

Granted. But your beater don’t run!

I wish I could pay all the bills.

Granted, but then you’ll be render homeless because you sold your house for the bills. Also no more bills when you are homeless right?
I wish all wars would end.

Granted…the final war ends with the destruction of earth.

I wish I was on a space colony.

@Dutchess_III Granted. But your beater don’t run!
Of course the beater won’t run, that is why it is a beater.

@Yetanotheruser
Granted, but it is ma space penal colony and you will be there with murderers, thieves, molesters, rapist, and the most ruthless terrorist.

I wish I could be a T-Rex in Time Square for a day.

Your wish is granted! You the bones of T-Rex, and every stray dog within twenty-five miles comes to gnaw on what’s left of you.

I wish I could meet mi favorite jellies in person.

Granted, but you are on a cruise ship capsized by a rogue wave, and there are 50 less life preservers.

I wish I can be cancer reeking havoc on G.W. Bush.

Too bad the best radiation and chemotherapy treatments in the world are available to him. Have fun being torn apart at the subatomic level.

I wish the Make-A-Wish Foundation had all the funding it needs.

Granted, but the money comes from a South American drug cartel.

I wish I could boink a hot, slender, attractive lesbian, not a fat one, for a 48 hour romp.

Your wish is granted. However, she just lays there, or sleeps, or reads a book, or cruises Facebook, through it all because she is not the least bit interested in, or excited by it.

I wish there was no such thing as a grudge.

Granted, but it comes with there being no compassion either.

I wish I could have all those who like to eat hot spicy food dine with goat’s milk instead of any other liquid.

No trick to this spoiler! I like hot spicy food and I like goats’ milk!

I wish I could attain highway speed on my bicycle without the gruelling toll on my body.

Granted! The speed doesn’t affect you all. Stopping, on the other hand, is now twice as toilsome as pedaling at high speeds ever was.

I wish the junk in my storage unit was actually worth good money.

Granted, but the hoodlums figured out as well making you the victim of a home invasion robbery where they take all the stuff.

I wish all Priuses turn in Bugattis and take over the roadway.

The highways be all clogged due to the new Priuses?

I wish that Tibet is an independent state.

Granted, but the people will become greedy, manipulative, self-absorbed, vain socialites with a parchment for yappy “purse dogs”

I wish there was an outfit that would take people on recreational dolphin hunts.

Granted. The people take the hunt part literally and bring along guns and harpoons

I wish I could get the promotion at work

Granted You get a vertical promotion but a salary that equals your pay now with a 65–70 hour work week.

I wish every female over 13 years of age has to wear a bra if they need on or not, even while sleeping.

Granted. But the bras are permanent. No one, not even you, can take them off, ever.

I wish someone would come screw the shelf supports into the wall of my new broom closet.

Granted However, the closet will forever be stuck so you can’t open the door.

I wish all vegans would get terrible gas attacks everyday they do not eat meat.

Granted, but you will be stuck in a group of 29 or more vegans at the height of their gas attacks.

I wish bacon grew from bacon seeds.

granted, but the bacon plants will devour you
I wished a flutherer could work on an offshore radio station.

Granted. However the offshore station is destroyed by a great storm, you find yourself haunted by the flutherer.

I wish the debates were more entertaining.

Granted. They’re hilarious. But the sound went out on your TV permanently.

I wish the Jellys could have a giant reunion at Lucky Guy’s place.

We can. But you’re not invited.

I wish I was able to go to bed on time.

I’m being persecuted!!

Granted. You go to bed on time. But you oversleep by two hours everyday.

I wish Christmas wasn’t so expensive.

Granted…but it applies to not his you, but retroactively to everyone who ever bought you something expensive for Christmas, and all those expensive gifts disappeared.

I wish I were a banjo playing fiddler.

Granted. You are a banjo playing kiddie fiddler
sorry

I wish I didn’t have a cough

Granted. You can no longer cough even if you need to.

I wish my boobs were smaller.

Granted but the rest of your body is smaller too

I wish I tidied up more

Granted, but you have permanent OCD.

I wish I could magically know how to do stuff without having to learn it.

Granted. You always know how to do whatever you want to do, but something prevents you from actually doing it.

I wish I could control my son’s sleep schedule.

Granted But you have no control over his study and work schedule.

I wish there was a derby where small yappy ratdogs can be run over in Hummers.

There is, but the small yappers are protected by large Hummer-eating monsters that you need to defeat as part of the same derby.

I wish I owned a thoroughbred farm in Kentucky.

Granted But all the horses breaks their legs before the age of two and have to be put down.

I wish aliens from another planet would visit Earth, suck it dry and leave earthling here with no resources of any type more than water and a few non-fruit bearing trees.

Aliens all die from common cold and their space ship explodes showering earth with all the bounty, replenishing all earth’s resources

I wish hadn’t cut my thumb so badly

Granted!
It only seems bad because of the microscopic intelligent aliens on the thing that cut you. They’ll increase and multiply in your brain, making you their “earth-ship”, from which…(see second above post).

I wish I was a sci-fi novelist.

Granted! And You get rich. But you go insane because you can’t tell imagination from real life. Howver you get the best mental institution money can buy.

I wish Obama could run for another term.

Granted But on the stump he is assassinated by a Republican skinhead who thought Obama was the Devil cementing Obama in American history more than he has already.

I wish that all lesbians will turn into nymphomaniacs and rape midget men.

Granted. But they kill the men first.

I wish that I could bring people back to life.

Granted, but so powerfully that it is not an act of will, but a reaction to being thought of by you, or you passing within 1000 meters of any random grave. Also the “life” you bring them back to is the life of a zombie, only with the same curse ability as you to bring back to life those they pass by. Congratulations! You just started the Zombie Apocalypse!

I wish I had a dime for every penny left or ignored.

Granted But they rip through your pocket or purse because of the weight and fall down a sewer drain never to be seen again.

I wish I have $20 bucks for every fluffy question ever asked on Fluther.

Upon receiving your wish of riches, Fluther suddenly vanishes from the internet along with your cash.

I wish to make love with the toy-maker…

Granted But he wears a condom shaped like Sponge Bob, which also swells wen wet, and he goes front door as well as backdoor, and he staying power for 4 hours min (thanks to some small yellow pills).

I wish I can flog an PP doctor with a cat-o-nine tails up to 39 lashes (the legal Roman limit).

What is a PP doctor?

@Dutchess_III Planned Parenthood.

Granted, but the doctor is a masochist and sees it as a reward. And in return, the doctor gets to give you 80 lashes (in accordance with shariah law).

I wish I could make myself and anything I am touching invisible at will.

Granted whatever you touch will be unable to be seen, even by you. When you make yourself invisible you forever stub your toes and fingers because you can’t see where your own hands and feet are.

I wish cat juggling was a national sport.

Granted, but the cats will be peeing, pooping, and clawing every time you want to juggle them.
I wish that Wal-Mart would move their corporate HQ to China.

Granted While they are closer to all the goods they sell, they will import US workers to work in Chinese sweatshops.

I wish according to Mosaic law when a PP doctor kills and unborn human one of them has to give up their life as well; and eye for an eye, blood for blood.

Granted. But the mothers and the fathers also die….and I can’t post a wish because I’m dead now.

I wish @Dutchess_III were revived from the dead!

Granted But she returns as someone @Symbeline would mow down with a SMG and @Devilishtreat would affix in the home as company.

I wish cats would find those drivers who ran over a cat and attack them in groups of 50 until they shredded them like an old curtain.

Granted but your family has ran over a tremendous amount of cats so…

I wish turtle necks would disappear.

Sure. The world is now full of headless turtles who wander around aimlessly, looking for their respective heads.

I wish there was less drama in the world.

Granted. People have become heartless machines.
I wish I graduated and had a job now.

Granted. You have graduated with honors in your field, but the only job you can find is fighting off zombie cats at a slaughterhouse owned by a huge heartless, faceless corporation, processing headless turtles into dog food, and you have to work 18 hours a day, seven days a week in order to afford things like rent, food, and other necessities.

I wish I could manage my distractions better.

Granted, but…look! Butterfly!! Butterflies everywhere!

I wish Christmas wasn’t so expensive.

Granted! Christmas is no longer expensive because no-one ever buys any gifts, and everything you ever received for a Christmas gift has suddenly disappeared with extreme timeline-altering effects.

I wish I could see and visit alternate timelines.

Granted But every timeline you visit ends in thermonuclear war or pestilence worse than the Black Death of old Europe.

I wish all the headless turtles knew kung fu like the Ninja Turtles, and used the Force to see their opponents and beat down everyone who voted for Bush, senior and bumbass, Dubya, even if I get caught in the beat down, deserve that for voting the renegade cowboy in the 1st time.

Granted, but among the people killed there are those who voted for Bush and deeply regreted it and were trying to amend their mistake… until they got killed.
I wish those headless turtles became my allies and fought the zombie cats instead of beating Bush voting people.

Oh no! it is the zombie apocalypse!~

Granted. but in order to become your ally, the zombie cats and headless turtles (who are also zombies!) have to turn you into a zombie as well.

I wish I had an impervious defense against the zombie apocalypse.

Granted! Unfortunately, it makes you smell delicious to wild animals. Hey, is that a pack of mountain lions?

I wish the sun would never burn out.

Granted Other very small suns will cleave to the sun making it a bigger longer burning sun while it fries Earth like an egg on the hood of a black 1968 Chevelle SS Super Sport at high noon in the middle of a July heatwave.

I wish every woman that wore a bra when she did not need to would get gas and lay “boiled eggs” every 12 minutes, even while sleeping.

Granted! Women no longer have breasts, so none of them wear bras.

I wish the planet were twice as big (with twice as many resources, but still the same population).

Granted. But the population continues to grow, and people’s attitude toward the environment doesn’t change. Not to mention natural caused pollution continue. So… the end of the world can’t be stop.
I wish people started thinking about the environment and actively did something about it.

Granted People start thinking heavily about the environment and decide the best way is to automate it by wiping out all the animals and replacing them with robots, wiping out all the trees in favor of air scrubbers that looked like trees.

I wish every woman who was not a virgin on her wedding night would have arrogant, mean, snide, rude and unintelligent kids.

Granted. They all have arrogant, mean, snide, rude and unintelligent kids—for breakfast.

I wish every bad narrator was replaced by Morgan Freeman.

Granted But every feature, documentary, etc. becomes excruciatingly bad, but they have killer narration.

I wish every woman who wears more than mascara and lip gloss would develop hammer toes and “tankles”.

Granted. But every woman who doesn’t wear more than mascara and lip gloss dies, so every woman in the world now has hammer toes and tankles. They also think wearing extra makeup is why they got off easy, so now all women are covered in at least a full inch of various beauty products.

I wish Gary Larson would start writing and publishing The Far Side again.

Granted, but all the resurrectef characters became real-life zombies.

I wish family dynamics weren’t so difficult.

Granted. But to accomplish that your entire family has been relocated 6000 miles away and there is no way to get in touch with them.

I wish eating too much candy didn’t make me sick to my stomach!

Granted. You are now obese thanks to candy overeating.
I wish I had all the chocolate in the world!

Granted But all the overly made up women with “tankles” beat you to it and now they have a kegger in front of them and a triple chin to put more makeup on.

I wish all the villains in Chinese karate flicks that get their arses handed to them looked like GW Bush.

Done. Now you’re the only one that can watch GW Bush karate movies, and have to do so 24/7 as long as W lives.

I wish all humans were unalterably color-coded by age, rather than race.

Done. But they all look so much alike that you can’t tell who is male or female. “Notthatitmatters,” she said quickly.

I wish money grew on trees.

Granted, but you need to bury one billion dollar to grow a money tree and a typical tree gives you 50$.
I wish all bias disappeared.

Bias has disappeared but still makes its effect felt invisibly
I wish I had a job working from home

Done! You’re now homebound and the world’s foremost chitterlings supplier.

I wish I could share control of the Gates Foundation with Bill and Melinda.

Or a meat packing plant!

Done! You work with a lovely couple making gates
I wish I could make all Americans see how ridiculous Trump is

Granted. But everyone still vote anyway, because they think Trump will be the least ridiculous of all the candidates.
I wish I had infinite numbers of wishes.

Granted! But none of those wishes are granted, only wished.

I wish there were better things to use for sausage casings.

Done! Sausage casings are made of gold and no one can afford them
I wish I were a good swimmer

Done! But you have 57 days to go before they pull you out of the ocean.

I wish I could still play volleyball like I used to.

You can.. You can play like you did when you were a six month old!

I wish my garage had a self-clean function like my oven does.

Granted, and then your car and everything else get into the cleaning process and take a lot of damage.
I wish there would be a new Corrupt a Wish game.

…I was in a pillow splint when I was 6 months old!

Well, granted, but you have to start it.

I wish someone would come in and finish all this mudding and sanding and painting.

Granted, but they get the mud all over everything, and nowhere near where it needs to be.

I wish all marionettes suddenly came to life.

I should have specified someone other than my husband! JK. He knows how to mud.

All marionettes have come to life. Predictably, they are all serial murderers. (Didn’t you pay attention to the movies?)

I wish there were no more miscommunications.

Done! Everyone now knows exactly what everyone thinks about them leading to mass hatred and world war 3

I wish Mondays were more fun

Granted, you are now miserable for the rest of the week.
I wish I had all the money in the world.

Granted. It’s all in coins and you are buried underneath it. And people keep stealing from the pile
I wish I had a best friend

Granted! Charles Manson is your new bosom buddy.

I wish I had the ability to force people to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth at my will.

Your will is read after your death and everyone has a whale of a time at your funeral
I wish I had nice hair that didn’t need haircuts

*[Granted] You have nice hair that never needs cutting but it grows under your arm pits and the “southern lips”.

I wish to get smacked head on by a large truck where I am dead instantly without suffering and go on to heaven.

Granted! You go straight to Heaven—at which point you are judged unworthy and sent directly to Hell for an eternity of suffering.

I wish my computer battery was always fully charged.

Granted! But being fully charged means it can never discharge, meaning it has a charge but can’t power your computer.

I wish I could live in bliss.

Granted! You are constantly drenched in Bliss brand moisturizing products (specifically, the ones that smell like burnt macaroni).

I wish my watch always had the correct time.

Granted. Your watch always shows the correct time for the next time zone so you are always an hour late
I wish I had lovely teeth

[granted] All your natural teeth are plucked out and you are given a mouth of perfect teeth Tom Cruz would be envious of, but they are made of nickle with an enamel chip-proof paint.

I wish that if I ended up in hell, the error would be found and i will be ushered into the throne room to spend and eternity with Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Granted! The error they find is that even Hell is too good for you, so you end up being personally tortured by Jesus Christ of Nazareth for all of eternity while he explains to you in excruciating detail what you did wrong.

I wish birds would stop crashing into windows.

[Granted] They do not crash into your windows because you have no windows, so they crash into you impaling you with their beaks.

I wish people will understand Jesus Christ doesn’t torture people, me or anyone else.

Granted! Everyone in the world comes to understand that Jesus Christ is a fictional character (and is therefore incapable of torturing people).

I wish people could remember that this is just a game.

[Granted] They know it is an irrelevant game but too anesthetized to get out and do more productive things.

I wish kitten juggling was an Olympic event.

Granted. You are the top competitor and the rules state ‘No Gloves’. You have no skin left on your hands
I wish that I had more time for reading

Granted. Sadly, the UK outlaws reading and you now spend five hours a day staring at your empty bookshelves.

I wish I could spend two hours on my couch right now, instead of having to walk the dogs.

Granted, you may spend two hours on your couch. The dogs know you will not walk them, so they cuddle up next to you and let go with their “walk” business, all over you and the couch.

I wish I had sunny weather today.

The weather is sunny and the crops have withered away due to lack of rain.

I wish they sing the PRC anthem in church.

[Granted] They can sing it as long as it is in agreement with the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob or fire will rain down and devour them.

I wish road bowling with puppies were a national past time, seeing I have no puppy I will not adopt on, take on, or acquire one iin any way to road bowl with them.

Granted! Bowling with puppies is a national pastime, so much so that the only job you can get is a puppy wrangler at the local bowling alley. Your job description includes chasing them when they run off the lane, returning them to the bowlers in a timely manner, as well as responsibility to ensure the health and well-being of each and every puppy!

I wish I had a loyal household staff.

[Granted] They are all automatons with single functions, they don’t steal, they never get sick but everyday you have to reprogram task for them to do as they go back to the default setting where they know nothing, plus they do not speak.

I wish everyone who asks a fluffy question will pass gas that smelled worse than rotten eggs for 6 hours, but only when they are 8 miles or more from me.

Granted! But the gas is teleported directly into your vicinity from wherever they are, and only you can smell it.

I wish my apartment had a balcony.

Granted! But your balcony is 1’ x 1’ with a 6” high rail, just enough to make you trip over it and fall off.

I wish I had a no-miss safety net.

Granted.
I hope you have an aqualung because it’s at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

I wish Brazil would have the best Summer Olympics, ever.

Granted but they are the last one ever
I wish I could be a good girl

Granted! You’re a good girl at being naughty.

I wish I could be a naughty boy and not suffer the consequences.

Granted. You are a psychopath
I wish I had to do homework again

Granted. Write us 15 pages in longhand on “What Makes Paint Dry” every night for the rest of your natural born life.

I wish I could type accurately really fast without looking at the keyboard.

[Granted] To do so ¾ of your brain and 32% of your physical body has been replaced with mechanics and biometrics subject to being hacked.

I wish for whatever the next Flutheronian wishes for as long at it is the non existence of God.

Done! But the next Flutheronian (me) declines to wish for the non-existence of God because you don’t have to wish for things that are already true. So your wish comes to nothing (just like your beliefs).

I wish for a non-violent end to turmoil in the Middle East.

Granted, but alas, all the violence comes to your door.

I wish I had a greenhouse.

[Granted] But it is the climate of the entire world.

I wish a comet would smash into the Earth dashing it into pieces like pizza toppings.

Granted, but…..........................................................the end

I wish there was life after death so I could get to know my great grandkids, and great-great grandkids, and great-great-great grandkids, ∞.