General Question

FlyingWolf's avatar

Ladies how long would you have to date someone before going on vacation with them?

Asked by FlyingWolf (2820points) June 4th, 2014

How long do you think you would have to be dating a new partner before you trusted them enough to take a romantic trip together? The trip would require a plane ride and your partner would pay for entire thing. Would being a single mother to young children impact your decision to go or not?

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38 Answers

chinchin31's avatar

The fact that you are asking this question means you shouldn’t go.

You are clearly having doubts yourself.

It doesn’t matter what other people think. You know the situation best your self.

Don’t let the fact that he is paying flatter you. Most guys when they do that are expecting something in return. Usually sexual favours on the holiday lol.

Honestly I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my children behind to go on any holiday, even if i was married.

IF something happens to you , would they be in good hands ??. I think when you are a mother you have to always think of these things.

FlyingWolf's avatar

@chinchin31 I have to say you gave great advice! I am actually talking about my step-daughter. She is in her early 20’s and is a single mom with two young daughters. She has known the guy about four months. I think the trip is a horrible idea and wanted to get an idea of what others (maybe close to her age or currently in a dating phase of life – I am neither) might think since I have personally never been in the situation. if something happened to her her father and I would get the kids.

Coloma's avatar

Haha…well…I dated someone for about a year and then…we took a 2 week road trip all over the southwest. He was a total slob, tossing snack wrappers all over my car, he was like a 4 yr. old, the guy couldn’t eat anything without spilling. lol
By the time we got to Santa Fe from Northern CA. I got my own hotel room for the night. I was so gald to be freaking ALONE!

I drank wine and called a friend back in CA. to bitch about how he was driving me nuts.
THEN…a few days later he came down with the flu and we were trapped in a hotel for 4 days in bumfuck New Mexico. That was IT! He was the biggest, grouchiest baby ever and by the time we got to Arizona he told me to take him to the airport. I was happy to oblige. haha
We worked it out, broke up on the drive home, somewhere in Nevada and while we remained friends, nope, I couldn’t COPE with his habits and attitude.
He was very good looking, smart, but had the EQ and eating habits of a toddler. Bye bye baby man. lol

I highly suggest the 2 week road trip test, if you survive 2 weeks of driving, hotels, and being in a car together for hours on end that’s a good sign. Most relationships will fail this test. haha

Coloma's avatar

If they have been dating for 4 months, most likely they have already been intimate. I wouldn’t look at the trip being paid for in that manner after 4 months. If it was in the first month or two and I was not already sexually involved I would decline for that reason, not wanting to feel pressure. I do not think it is wrong for a mother to do enjoyable things for herself as long as her children are with safe family members of close friends that are trusted.

There is nothing wrong with mommy having an adult life as long as she is not neglecting her kids in favor of men, serial dating, ignoring the kids because she is desperate to find a relationship. I don’t take issue with a couples vacation after 4 months of dating.

marinelife's avatar

For me, it would be several months. If I was a young single mother I would hesitate a lot longer.

Seek's avatar

I don’t think as stated there’s much reason to worry. Providing the kids are well cared for whilst Mama is away, and it’s not, like, a crazy amount of time (a long weekend should be plenty long enough), and communication lines are open and available in case of emergency, and she’s had her self-defense and empowerment classes just in case… she should go and have fun.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

There’s not a magic time but, for me, it would be when I felt this was the person I was going to be with forever.

Yes, having young children would impact my decision to go… or anywhere with anyone. Having young children would affect every decision.

sweet_star's avatar

I think two to three months, and I would require for the partner to pay for it! However, being myself a mother of two young children, I would ask for it to be a kid friendly trip. And if he disagrees I would just look for someone else who would want to spend time with my kids as well as with me.

Although, I would go if it was a short trip, like for a weekend (I do not trust anybody in this world with my own children longer than that). Since a little romance and break from the kids is always well deserved. Just be careful to not end up being a single mother of three! Since from experience, I know how stressful being a single mother of two can be.

Buttonstc's avatar

Has everyone forgotten about Natalie Holloway already?

I don’t know that the amount of time is necessarily the issue. For me, it would be the location and I wouldn’t be vividly enthusiastic about flying overseas.

A road trip here in the good ol’ USA is a whole lot different cuz if something goes wrong, there are plenty of ways to easily get back home.

And yes, being responsible for young children would factor into my decision.

cazzie's avatar

Any ‘romantic’ trip would have to include my little guy. I’ve been ‘dating’ my BBE now since last September and I would LOVE to go on a holiday away together. We were hoping to go away this last spring break time, but things fell apart. I am a single mother and there is now no one I can leave him with, so he would have to be included in our plans. Luckily, BBE and the Little Man adore each other and get along really well.

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jca's avatar

Have you met him? What do you think of him? Does he seem like a good person to you?

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hearkat's avatar

I met my fiancé on a social networking site in September, we met face-to-face as friends in November, became romantic partners in late December, and our first vacation together was less than a month after that. My son was out of High School at this point, so although I was a single mother, he was no longer so dependent on me.

The vacation was to meet up with other people from the social site on which we had met, and we paid our own way. We’ve got several friends from the sites we were on back then, and I probably would have gone on the trip alone had we not been an ‘item’ by then.

There are many variables to consider. Had my son been lees that 14 years old, and/or had it been a trip for just the two of us and not for other purposes, I may not have gone that early on. Most importantly, had he not been as kind and calm and sweet as he is, and had we not yet had all the heart-to-heart conversations that we’d had, I definitely would not have traveled with him that soon.

In the situation you describe, and not knowing wither of these people, I would generally say that it is too soon. Trust has to be earned, and four months is usually too soon to really get to know someone (I consider my fiancé and I to be exceptions, based on age and life experiences). Having dependent young children means that their well-being has to take top priority.

I agree that if he’s footing the bill, there’s usually an expectation of reciprocation – and even of the generous person sincerely doesn’t have expectations, the recipient of the kindness may still feel a sense of obligation nonetheless, which may negatively influence their judgement.

JLeslie's avatar

I would say a couple months probably.

If you sure you should go then don’t. Going away on a vacation should be something you are excited about and look forward too. Anything less and that is your gut telling you don’t do it I think.

The first time my husband and I went away when we were dating was to travel out of state for a close friend of mine’s wedding. It really wasn’t that big of a deal since we spent nights together often anyway. I would not want a weekend away to be a first time spending a whole weekend together. Is that the case?

As far as him paying, I would be fine with it as long as I was already sexually active with him. As I said, I would not want our first time to be on a vacation.

I don’t see a problem with someone going away if they have been dating for 4 months even with young children, although I would not let the children know the truth. I would lie about where she is going I think.

longgone's avatar

I’m her age, and four months seems fine to me – if :

1. The kids are well cared for. How old are they?

2. We’re talking no more than a few days.

3. She won’t be in some remote area. I would need to have known someone for much longer if I was going to go backpacking in rural Syria. She needs to be able to get home alone easily, just in case.

@JLeslie “I would not let the children know the truth. I would lie about where she is going I think.” Why?

livelaughlove21's avatar

I was with my husband for a year before we went on vacation. We met at 17 and, for our one year “anniversary,” we went to Charleston for a week.

FlyingWolf's avatar

@jca, I have not met him, but supposedly will prior to the trip.

@JLeslie I am thinking you would probably lie about the trip because of the example going off with a man would set. Is that right? Because honestly, while it may sound prude, the example she is setting for her two young daughters is my biggest issue here. While I agree with @Coloma that moms are allowed to have fun (I am a mom; I took a trip with my sister for four days and left the kids with their dad), I feel like them seeing their mom head off for a trip with a guy they hardly know (they have met him once), is just inappropriate. After my divorce, while I was dating my now husband, it just didn’t feel right for him to spend the night. I just couldn’t have the kids thinking that casual sex and spendies should be the norm when dating. I know they are going to develop their own morals about these things, but why start them out seeing that as totally normal?

If she didn’t have kids I would tell her to practice safe sex, stay safe, and have a good time. I might worry for her safety, give her some self defense tricks, and wish she knew him a bit better, but anything that happened would have only a direct impact on her and if she thinks she is ready, she is a grown woman (23). My feeling is that she made some grown up choices as a child and she will have to honor those choices forever. It is the hand she was dealt and being a mom has to factor in to every decision she makes – at least until the kids are of age.

I should also point out that she has only ever dated her baby daddy, who is twice her age and she met at 15, they just broke up for good about six months ago (though he is still stalking her) so she doesn’t have much experience dating.

JLeslie's avatar

@longgone The children are under ten years old I assume, if the mom is in her 20’s. I am not even sure I would introduce a new boyfriend to my kids that young before 6 months to begin with. Most children want their parent home with them, and choosing a guy they are dating over staying home doesn’t always fly well with very young children. I wouldn’t want to set up a competition for the mother’s affections between the kids and the boyfriend.

Plus, I think a very conservative example is good for children, even though I think when talking to children we should be open and honest about sex, and not have an expectation of no sex before marriage or any such thing. Probably it souds a little contradictory, but children hit the teen years and want to be grown up, they will copy what is modeled for them. If their parents drink, they are more likely to drink, if their parents “hook up” they are more likely to hook up. I think it is ok for children to eventually know their single parents are dating and eventually they figure out that means they are having sex also, but I think it is just considerate to make that a slow process of realization for children. Kids don’t even want to think about their parents having sex with each other when they are married let alone with other people.

@FlyingWolf I do think it is totally normal for adults to vacation together and have sex after 4 months. So it isn’t so much whether it is normal for adults or not, it’s more about how children perceive things and how they are affected by things.

nebule's avatar

Being a single mum…I would definitely have reservations and I would want to know that the partner taking me away was completely trustworthy in every respect – to take care of me. I would struggle to leave my son and go alone

janbb's avatar

If I were dating someone for four months and we were intimately involved, I would go away with them. If I had only seen them every two weeks on Saturday night for the 4 months, that would be different. If I had young kids that were being left, that would be a separate issue having to do with who was caring for them and how secure I felt they would feel.

FlyingWolf's avatar

@janbb I am fairly certain they have been intimate. I also know they are only seeing each other once a week every couple of weeks. He lives in a different city and she does not have regular access to sitters for her overnight stays. Interesting that you mentioned that.

janbb's avatar

@FlyingWolf Partly because I think it is indicative of how well they know each other. If they had been spending every weekend together for most of the four months, I would think they knew each other well. In this case, I think maybe a few days away together might be better than a longer vacation – both in terms of the relationship and the kids.

longgone's avatar

@JLeslie I see. I doubt the children would be thinking of their mum being intimate with someone. I don’t think that is typical for young children. I agree with your first argument, if the children are protective of their mom. Although I still wouldn’t lie to them…I try to not lie to children at all.

non_omnis_moriar's avatar

I dated a guy a year but wouldn’t marry him until we’d lived together a year to see how we really got along – good times and bad. But I went on a trip with him after we dated about six months.

JLeslie's avatar

@longgone Do you think children should be told their mom is going out on a date when it is her first date out with a new person?

@janbb Would you tell your kids if they we young that you were going on vacation with your boyfriend?

Seek's avatar

Is there some reason Mom should be ashamed of going on a date?

FlyingWolf's avatar

I’m not sure who you are asking @seek, but I don’t think mom should be ashamed to go on a date.

Seek's avatar

Sorry, I’m the worst at tagging people. That was directed at @JLeslie for her belief that the kids shouldn’t be told that Mom is going on a date or on vacation with a boyfriend.

Seems like a silly thing to lie to your kids about. Especially if you ever want them to be honest with you about their relationships.

hearkat's avatar

I have a difference of opinion on a couple points.

My fiancé and I lived 90 miles apart when we met, so we only saw each other on weekends. I think that not spending a lot of time together actually allows for getting to know each other better, because you can have in-depth conversations and not be distracted by the sexual urges that tend to dominate time spent face-to-face in a new relationship. That was one thing I liked about online dating when I tried it – you interact with a person through conversations in writing and over the phone, so the focus is on who they are and not what they look like.

I never lied to my son about going out on dates when he was younger; he was 6 when I first started dating after my divorce. I didn’t introduce him to them right away, but once he did meet them after a few months, I’d have them spend the night. I don’t think that romance or sexuality are things that should be hidden. If the young woman in question is 23 and met the father of her children when she was 15, the kids are 7 at the oldest, so I don’t think that Mommy going on a short trip with her new boyfriend of 4 months should be that big a scandal. For the record, my son is now the same age as this young woman, and he is none the worse for me having had a few boyfriends when he was younger.

Another point that occurred to me was that traveling with someone is also a good way to get to know them and to test compatibility. You get to see how they handle adversity and annoyances and how they treat others, like bellhops and wait staff. This may actually be a good thing, before she does get tired of only seeing him occasionally and decides to move with the kids to another city only to have it turn out badly.

I guess my biggest concern would be that she is relatively young and inexperienced with dating, so her ability to judge character may not be well-developed; thus she might be easily wooed if she is looking for a “knight in shining armor” or a “sugar-daddy”. Since I don’t know her, I have no sense of how mature she is or how sensible her priorities are. Do you think she’d pick up on red flags, such as if the guy is a lousy tipper, @FlyingWolf?

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JLeslie's avatar

@Seek I’m not talking about shame. I’m the one who thinks it’s fine to go on the vacation, have premarital sex, live with someone before marriage, and I would raise my kids telling them that. However, I am not so sure I would tell my kids every time I went on a date, and I don’t know if I would wait to introduce them to someone I was dating, and if I did wait I don’t know how long. I know most of my divorced friends lie, or they lie by ommission, and they wait until introducing a new beau to their kids. If the parents alternate weekends of custody or have visitation with the other parent on weekends here and there it makes it easier for both parents to date the weekend the other parent has the children. The parent does not need to explain anything to their kids, the children aren’t there. I think a lot of divorced parents utilize this. In my response to @longgone I spoke of young children wanting their parent’s time and I didn’t know if it was worth setting up a situation where it could become competitive. I never talked about shame.

longgone's avatar

@JLeslie “Do you think children should be told their mom is going out on a date when it is her first date out with a new person?”

Absolutely, if they’re asking. A young child will think of this as mom making new friends. Nothing wrong with that. With an older child, I might use the chance to have a discussion about safety on first dates, red flags, what to avoid. If my dating manner wasn’t compatible with the advice I’m giving my kids, I would reconsider my dating rules.

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JLeslie's avatar

@longgone I honestly don’t know how I would handle dating and my own children if I were in that situation, I am only saying I can see the argument for doing it covertly for a few weeks or months, and I certainly don’t judge parent’s who choose to not share those details with their children initially.

I am ok with some lies told to children. I don’t think kids need to know their parent smoked weed and drank a lot in high school for instance. Kids do tend to think in terms of if their parent did it and turned out ok it is ok. I didn’t drink or get high so I would not have to lie about that one. I might be willing to lie about what age I lost my virginity if asked directly, I am not sure, but I would never expect my kid to get through high school without losing their virginity. I really don’t think it is as black and white as truth or lie. Plus, adults don’t tell kids all the details to everything, partly because of their own stage in their development and their ability to understand, so in a way parents are omitting details all the time. I personally believe among adults, purposely omitting is the same as lying. if my husband doesn’t tell me something, because he wants to hide it or not deal with the consequences of my reaction, that is equivalent to a lie to me.

longgone's avatar

@JLeslie “Adults don’t tell kids all the details to everything, partly because of their own stage in their development and their ability to understand.”

I consider that all right, too. Within reason. But to willingly and blatantly lie…I don’t know. I try not to, at least. I would tell my children if I had done drugs, and I would go on to tell them how it turned out for me, anfd what I’d want for them.

JLeslie's avatar

@longgone What if you did drugs and had a great time at parties and nothing bad happened. Then what? You tell your kids something very bad could have happened so they shouldn’t risk it?

My parents got lucky and one day my dad mentioned to me that now that I was in jr. high some kids might drink or do drugs and that if I ever found myself in a situation where something wasn’t right or even if I tried something and felt something was very wring I could always tell him and he would come and pick me up. As he said it my mom interupted before I could say anything and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about, I never drank or did drugs and she doesn’t have to either.” They obviously didn’t discuss talking to me about it, but it turned out to be a great combination, I identified with my mom and never drank, and I knew I could call my dad in a bad situation.

My mom told me she lost her virginity before she was married when I asked her. I have no idea what age she was, I never asked her that. I did take it as sort of permission to have sex before marriage.

My only point is, it is really hard to tell kids you did something and then advise them not to do it. I don’t think it usually works very well.

hearkat's avatar

[Mod says] Just a reminder that the OP has chosen the General section, so let’s try to keep the conversation related to the specifics of the Question before we wander too far off-topic.

If broader topics come to mind from this conversation (like how honest one should be with their kids), perhaps someone could start a new post on that subject. Thanks!

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