Social Question

Ivan4917's avatar

Why can't I find platonic gay friends online?

Asked by Ivan4917 (10points) June 11th, 2014

As a gay male who is settled and happy in a 20-year monogamous relationship, the thought of “socializing” with other gay friends has occurred to me, albeit online, but it has been like pulling teeth to enter any given chat rooms, especially gay ones. I soon discovered that 99.9% of chatters ONLY seek sex and the least they are interested in is friendship. I know that such platonic friendship between gays are possible as I’ve had several throughout the years, but lost those friendships as a result of them passing on through serious illnesses. There never was a sexual attraction amongst each other as we were just that… FRIENDS! I just wish I could find that again!

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10 Answers

Seek's avatar

Welcome to the the world of women who like to hang out with guys without it getting all weird and shit.

I wish I had a simple answer, but I think the best thing is to find a thing to do that interests you, and then do it, and make friends organically with people who enjoy things you like. They could be male, female, gay, straight, whatever… if it’s a platonic friendship you’re looking for, it doesn’t matter.

Chat rooms are not awesome places to build lasting friendships, unless they’re restricted-membership type ones that have a good base of regular, active users. Myspace chat used to be really good for that once upon a time. But even then, we were all just chatting partners, not really “friends”. When the chat portion of the site was obliterated we all lost contact with each other.

zenvelo's avatar

I think it may be because you are looking on line, as opposed to in person. Interactions on line tend to be highly selective unless you know the people in real life. But when anonymous, people pose and act a bit differently because of the veil of secrecy.

So maybe you could make some platonic friends in a different way. Find people who are interested in the same things you are, perhaps through Or even start your own meetup – platonic gay men’s group.

Uberwench's avatar

Chat rooms of all types have pretty much become about sex unless they are specifically dedicated to a discussion topic (usually a TV show or a book series). Same with things like Chatroulette. It’s because the type of conversation they most easily facilitate is the small talk that people use to feel each other out before they feel each other up.

You need to be a bit more proactive. Go to dating sites and look for other people in your area who have “friendship” listed as something they are there for (why is that an option on dating sites? because not everyone looking to meet someone is looking to fuck someone). Go to places that are known to be gay or gay-friendly clubs/restaurants/whatever, but not on Friday or Saturday night.

There’s a great place where I live that is super gay-friendly. It’s a club on the weekend, but most of the time it’s a restaurant. And people who like the club often go to the restaurant during daylight hours. I’ve made a few friends by recognizing people I saw drinking and dancing on Friday and talking to them while they eat lunch on Tuesday.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

It might be that you’re just frequenting the wrong places. If I were looking for a librarian, I wouldn’t go to a bar. In fact, there are damn few reasons for me to go to bars. Now that you know what these chat rooms are like, why keep going there when you already know what you will find, and that it’s not what you want?

With that said, there are a fair number of gay folk here, at least that I know about – I don’t ask, as a general rule – and most folks are friendly. I don’t ask my friends details about their sex lives. So the question now occurs to me, what is so important about having “gay friends”? What’s wrong with “just friends”?

Uberwench's avatar

@CWOTUS Friendship often involves shared experiences, and most people like to have friends that share their various experiences. So you might have friends who share one type of experience and then other friends that share a different type of experience. Queer people have their own set of experiences, and sometimes its nice to be around people who have had the same sort of experience as us. It doesn’t rule out having straight friends, it’s just nice to have some queer friends, too.

CWOTUS's avatar

Well, of course, @Uberwench. I have a fair number of friends and I get that, but I don’t go looking for pre-categorized friends (maybe I would have more if I did), I just takes my friends where I can, and then we find the matching interests later. Sometimes the matching interests barely exist, and both of our horizons broaden as the friendship develops.

I suppose, though, that if I grew up ostracized from large parts of local society, whether directly because “they know who I am and they shun me” or indirectly “because I know who they are and I shun them”, I might have developed a different methodology for applying a “first screening” to friends. That would be difficult.

I did want to add, though, that is a possible solution. There are gay-oriented and primarily-gay meetup groups around. I was even invited to join one and I accepted, too, even though I told the organizers that I was just accepting the invitation to be sociable, though I accepted it in good faith.

dxs's avatar

Speaking of bars, what about going to a gay bar? I’ve never been to one so I’m not sure what it’s like, but it just popped into my head so I thought I’d share the idea.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I find this question very odd. Why do you only want platonic friendships with other gay men? That’s kind of like me saying “I am happily married straight female and I’m looking for platonic friendships with straight men.”

If I went out of my way looking for “friendships” with men, seems to me I’d be asking for trouble.

hearkat's avatar

I would suggest, but that’s already been mentioned. I also recommend joining advocacy groups for LGBTQ rights.

To continue with @Dutchess_III‘s point – what about straight men? I can understand why you would want platonic friendships with men, but why limit it only to homosexual males if friendship is all you seek?

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