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PinkBee333's avatar

How do you convince yourself to get over a "breakup"?

Asked by PinkBee333 (132points) July 3rd, 2014

I really liked my guy friend, and we were pretty close, we used to text/talk almost everyday. We had never gone more than 3 weeks without taking since we met. He would show signs that he was into me but would always say that he wasn’t good at commitment, didn’t want commitment.

So I finally let him know that I have feelings for him, and that I like him. To my surprise he says he doesn’t see himself being with anyone right now. so in other words he doesn’t want to date me. I was completely shocked, but after a few days I got over it, I wasn’t sad, I was glad I did it and finally knew.

We stopped talking for a bit ( I realized I couldn’t be friends with someone I liked that much) But then he started going out of his way to contact me, text me, and I responded and we were back to being friends again…. Until I saw him at a friends party, we barley talked and I tried to keep my distance. I text him the next day and he responds with who is this… I was crushed/devastated, (he should have known it was me from the way I replied.) We haven’t spoken since…... and it’s been weeks. I doubt he ever will. And now I’m a mess. I cry everyday, and I feel so sad and hurt. It was one thing to know that he didn’t feel the same, but to not even want to be friends anymore. I’m really sad, and I just want to be normal again.. how do you feel normal after something like this?

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9 Answers

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“I realized I couldn’t be friends with someone I liked that much”

There-in-lies the opportunity for self improvement. That my dear, is your problem.

“We stopped talking for a bit ”

Good to develop independence.

“But then he started going out of his way to contact me”

Realize above all else a valuable lesson in human nature…

People want what they cannot have. And thats why he started calling after you had already “stopped talking for a bit”.

My advice to you is to run as far away from this type of “friendship” as fast as you can, like a rat from a sinking ship. These cycles will continue. He’ll move closer, then reject. You’ll ignore him, then he’ll move closer, then reject. You’ll ignore him, then he’ll move closer, then reject…

Immature males play these games with immature females. It never ends well, and worst case scenarios will find each of you using your power positions to control the other, rather than to promote a healthy independent self.

Stop trying to find, or make someone into the right person. Instead, start trying to become the right person. Then when the right person comes along, he’ll recognize you as genuine rather than an immature co-dependant liability.

PinkBee333's avatar

first of all you are a legend for reading through all that, I realize it was quite a lot. Your response was very insightful, and at this point in my life I’m slowly grasping the reality of it. You hit it right on the spot. I can not even begin to tell you how correct you are about the entire “cycle” explanation. My close friends have pointed this out to me, but I refused to accept it at the time. I realize I have a lot of growing up to do as a person, I’m going to spend time getting to know myself, and working on being a better person that wouldn’t fall for such cycles. Thank you again, It still sucks, but I guess the first step is accepting it for what it is

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“I’m going to spend time getting to know myself”

There you go girl! Now you’re on your way.

Here’s a secret, don’t tell anyone. As you get to know yourself, you’ll soon realize that you can also start to author yourself into whatever kind of self you want to be… That’s about the most attractive sexiest woman (not girl) that any man (not boy) could ever hope to meet.

“I realize I have a lot of growing up to”...”

Heh, welcome to the club. Learning from life experience is not a crime. It’s a privilege.

Best to you!

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

Every man who ever did with me what you have described, were gay, cared about me deeply, and were afraid that coming out to me would cost the friendship.

PinkBee333's avatar

Thank you very much, I think I just needed someone to help explain it to me the way you did. That this is something that I need to be running away from and not towards. I know one day I’ll be able to look back at this point as the moment I got over him and realized that this isn’t healthy.

The smart part of me always knew that this wasn’t right, but I was just to scared to give it up, now that I’m forced to give it up, I was just really mad that I wasn’t being given a choice of wether or not to get over him or not. The most confusing thing in the world has to be thinking you are close to someone when in reality you don’t mean much to them.

So I’m making a conscious effort to change and break the cycle. But how do I do that? ...... as far as I know, he will never text me again, because he pretended to not recognize my number. and by him doing that I made a promise to myself to never contact him again. What do I do besides just ignoring him?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“What do I do besides just ignoring him?”

You’re not ignoring him. You’re too busy to ignore him. You’re busy paying attention to yourself and the relationship you want to build with the world on your terms.

I’m not suggesting that you ignore him. I’m suggesting you go to an art gallery and memorize an artist name and then research styles like that artist, and thereby begin a fascination with something (a love affair) that you become an expert in. If he calls, fine, take his call, or text. But if he wants to get together, then how on earth would you find the time when you’re too busy having a love affair with life experiences?

Oh, art’s not your thing? Well what about calling your local children’s cancer society and seeing if they need any volunteers? Oh, don’t care about dying children? How about calling your neighborhood animal shelter and volunteering to walk dogs who are stuck in cages all day for weeks upon end, and would love to spend some time with you?

In those activities (remember “love” is an act, not a feeling), you fall in love with life, the world, and rejoice in the pleasure of them loving you back. And in that process, you’ll meet other people, boys, men, who are making themselves into beautiful people hoping to meet other beautiful people like yourself.

Ignore him? Who’s him? He doesn’t even know himself. How could you possibly know a person who doesn’t know himself? How could anyone ever know you until you know yourself? Go find yourself. Go make yourself.

If the boy calls, then he calls. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. None of that has anything to do with who you are becoming.

PinkBee333's avatar

Thank you so much. You’re right! just thinking about becoming the person I am makes me excited for the future. I get what you mean, I have to learn to love life and in the process learn how to love myself. But I can’t love myself until I know who I am, and I will spend this day on figuring out who I am.

I thought I knew who I was, and this post has made me realize that I really don’t. I think I know who I want to be, and it’s about time I become that person. I also realized through your post that it’s not something that will happen all of a sudden but something that is a process, and that it will take time.

Your feedback has been life changing thank you so much. I truly appreciate it. How are you so insightful and good at this! You made me realize that this boy isn’t my life, that my life is my own to create as I want. That’s huge. Thank you

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

You’re awesome PinkBee333. Looks like you’re the one with the insight. All you needed was someone to point out that beautiful person in the mirror.

I’m inspired at how the girl in the opening comments has revealed such a mature woman in just a few short paragraphs. You may well be a sage.

Go throw a smile at something!

PinkBee333's avatar

I went ahead and threw a smile at the mirror :)
To keep busy I signed up for an online course, and signed up for volunteering, and I’m creating a list of all the things I want to achieve for myself/want myself to be

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