Social Question

FlyingWolf's avatar

Would you let your husband's ex stay with you?

Asked by FlyingWolf (2815points) July 20th, 2014

They have kids together and have been divorced over 20 years. She has found herself homeless due to circumstances that were 100% her fault and preventable She is sleeping in parks and under bridges because the local shelters seem to be full. She isn’t homeless because she wants to be, but because of a series of bad choices. Yours is the only option for a roof over her head. Would you let her stay?

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22 Answers

AshLeigh's avatar

With a set amount of time for how long she can stay, I probably would. Assuming everyone is on good terms, and there will not be constant fighting.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@AshLeigh You’re an amazing and kind lady. I see it as the Titanic about to sail.

johnpowell's avatar

LOLno.. I might give them the money for a bus ticket to place where shelters could accommodate them.

Coloma's avatar

Is she the mother of the ex’s children? If so I would say some charity is in order yes.
How do you know for certain it is all about her choices? Lots of people have found themselves in this situation due to the economy tanking the last handful of years.

Jobs are scare, the competition is huge and it doesn’t take much for the house of cards to collapse. I find homelessness extremely sad and terrifying and would do whatever it took to keep someone, especially a woman off the streets.
If she doesn’t have major drug or alcohol issues or a mental illness I think somebody should intervene on her behalf.

filmfann's avatar

They have kids together… Where are the kids? If they are still young, and her bad choices include drugs, absolutely not.

GloPro's avatar

Why not pay for one month at an extended stay motel for her? That gives her 30 days to work on other solutions and certainly worth the cost of the headache prevention.

chyna's avatar

I would try to help out in some way, but not let her live with me. It may be hard to make her leave. Did you read the story of the nanny in California that refused to leave?
Maybe if you can find a room for her and pay for the first month. Surely 30 days would give her time to find some type of job.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

If she’s not a danger to my family or the children, yes. She’s the children’s mother. I couldn’t live with myself allowing a person to sleep in the park on a bench when I have a room they can use. In the past my son’s best friend’s mother (and the two children) ended up homeless. It was also a case of making bad decisions but there but for the grace and all that. We rented a caravan and put it out the back. They used our kitchen and bathroom. I hope it helped them get back on their feet. So if it was my step-children’s mother, I’d definitely help if I could without risk to my family.

FlyingWolf's avatar

@Coloma, we know it was pretty much all her choices because she does indeed have major alcohol issues. She is trying to find a treatment center that has space for her.

I am struggling between @johnpowell‘s perspective at @Coloma and @AshLeigh.‘s I hate the thought of her having no place to stay, but I can’t shake the feeling it Is a bad idea to let her stay here.

@filmfann none of their kids are in a position to take her in, even temporarily.

@GloPro @chyna, we can’t afford to put her up in an extended stay hotel, but if we could that would be a great option.

GloPro's avatar

@FlyingWolf Keep in mind that inviting her into your home isn’t free. Your utilities and your food costs will go up, and most likely other unforeseen expenses. An extended stay might be as little as $250–300.
Maybe her kids can kick in $50 each as well.

LuckyGuy's avatar

After reading this question and the answers I would say absolutely not! According to some of the answers there, you would be granting her rights to stay – even if you wanted to kick her out.
I tend to be charitable but those answers changed my mind.

If you can’t afford to pay for a month at an extended stay place then go 2 weeks.
How much do you think she spent on alcohol and / or drugs last month? Would your property be safe if she was in your house? Don’t risk it! .

Dutchess_III's avatar

For the kids, yes, with limits. Without the kids, no. Her bad choices haven’t ended, you know.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Yes, if I had the space.

filmfann's avatar

@FlyingWolf My concern was that the kids were young, and shouldn’t be exposed to someone drugging up.

FlyingWolf's avatar

@filmfann she actually lost custody of her kids when they were younger and my husband raised them alone. So this isn’t his first rodeo with her before,

@LuckyGuy the whole not being able to get rid of her thing is what scares me the most. I’m pretty sure our property would be safe but I would wonder about her emotional stability.

I am going to look into what it would cost to put her up some place for a week or two.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Don’t even have to read the details about the circumstances in this case. The answer would still be

Lucinda's avatar

I would let her stay, but I would keep the rules and boundaries strict. I’d have to opposite goal as with an ordinary guest: I wouldn’t want her to make herself at home. I’d assign her a room or area to sleep in and expect her to keep it neat, as well as to stick to a schedule and help around the house every day.

There must be local charities who can work with her, if not on her housing situation, then on her life-change plan. Some women’s groups and some faith-based organizations might be able to connect her with counseling and other resources, She should have someone coordinating her life-change efforts, but that need not and probably should not be you.

If you can find somewhere else, that’s better. Good luck!

elbanditoroso's avatar

Homeless or not, the situation is asking for trouble. NO NO NO.

cazzie's avatar

In my situation yes. In your situation, no.

jca's avatar

Hell no. The situation you describe with her drinking is not something I would want to deal with and would not want to put my family through dealing with that. It will affect everyone in your household. You may come home and find her drunk, maybe something broken, maybe she won’t be home and you won’t know if and when she will return. She may be volatile, she may be violent. You will be in a situation where this woman is in your house and you can’t get rid of her. Maybe you might have to get the police involved. Is that something you will want to deal with or will you be like “this is a total fucking nightmare. Why did I get myself in this position?

You said the shelters are full. Is that a fact that you know for sure or is this what she is telling you to be manipulative?

If someone is an alcoholic, and willing to sleep in parks and under bridges in order to continue their addiction, do you want to deal with that?

Is there an end in sight? What will be the remedy for the situation if she comes to live with you? She is probably not employable if she is such a mess. So she would be with you inevitably? Do you have kids? Do you want your kids or your guests to see this mess in your house?

This is the kind of “client” I dealt with while in CPS. We’d send them to treatment, and they still wouldn’t go. They’d give up their kids in order to continue their habit. Alcoholism is a terrible thing but you shouldn’t have to deal with it and your family shouldn’t either, if they don’t have to.

This is not someone who I would want in my house or around my child. I wouldn’t want my child growing up thinking this type of situation is normal. I also wouldn’t want to put my children at risk of harm because of some nut who is in my house getting her drink on.

Dan_Lyons's avatar

I agree wholeheartedly with @jca HELL NO!!!!!!!

Coloma's avatar

Well..I must have missed the drinking part, I would agree as mentioned above, that drugs and drinking problems are a deal breaker too.

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