General Question

squirbel's avatar

How do I make friends?

Asked by squirbel (4292points) July 22nd, 2014

I am a hermit – always have been.

Why am I a hermit? Because I am a highly sensitive person.

Am I shy? No.

Am I insecure? Not at all.

Am I antisocial? Quite a bit.

Am I able to be social? Very much so! I talk to perfect strangers with ease.

What’s my problem? Actually going where people are.

I do not know how to go to places where people are, outside of going to cafes and such. I can talk to strangers easily, but usually I have no decent place to meet decent strangers.

Basically what I need are a list of places where I can go to meet educated, intelligent strangers I can meet. I never drink, so I’m a bummer in that department. I read a whole lot [I read rather than watch television]. I have many assorted hobbies, and my profession is in computers. But as a female in the computing industry, I have a certain allergy toward computing people and the very topic of computing unless its about future technologies.

Today, when I was at a cafe, I was feeling the need to step outside my box. I asked an older gentleman who was sitting alone if I may keep him company. He was happy to receive me, and we chatted for a good while. We made a lunch date for next week. I have a new friend!

But in general, once I start talking – people find me to be cute and very open and approachable. But before I open up, I look like I just want to be left alone, and people usually oblige. ^.~

I need to get rid of that first appearance. So, I come to the fluther for advice.

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17 Answers

chyna's avatar

Have you thought of joining a group that interests you? Perhaps a book club? A walking or hiking group? Have you tried to look for groups near you that would interest you?

fightfightfight's avatar

Talim! Soul Calibur’s my all time favorite video game! Tira’s my favorite but I still like Talim. To answer your question I don’t know though…That’s an odd description of yourself because it’s kind of contradicting to me but that’s probably just me. You fit in perfect with strangers and you’re easy to talk to it seems yet you’re anti social and you’re a hermit. I’m just like you though! Well not exactly because I’m shy but once I start talking to people the first time I get along with them really well and we become like friends almost. I think you did a good thing stepping outside your box and talking to a complete stranger because at least you’re attempting to make friends. I don’t drink either but I read a lot so maybe you could find people to talk to who are similar to you and the stuff you like to do. I know this advice probably sucks but really I just wanted to comment about Soul Calibur but that was irrelevant so I felt I should say something helpful. Sorry! I did mean everything I said though so I wasn’t lying

squirbel's avatar

I’ve tried meet ups – but in my area all of them were elderly or hoboism.

[I kinda didn’t mention that my goal in all of this was to meet someone marriageable.]


Yes, I actually look a lot like talim – ponytails, brown skin, and all!


I am not contradictory at all, my dear.

I was a born hermit. But I learned how to be sociable. So my default mode is to be antisocial – but when the situation calls for it, I can be a social butterfly. See? Not contradictory at all!

El_Cadejo's avatar

I guess I would recommend finding a club or group that relates to something that you’re interested in like one of your hobbies. (I don’t really have many friends myself. I have two people I can really call friends, the rest of the people I regularly socialize with are those at work.)

“But before I open up, I look like I just want to be left alone, and people usually oblige.”
Do you have BRF?

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

I’ve had the pleasure of living in several locations scattered across the US. It would be more helpful to know what sort of environment you have. Are you coastal, desert, small town, metropolis, village in the Congo, Antarctic? There are some very well travelled jellies to be found here, and I’m sure with a little more information we could give you some good ideas.

kritiper's avatar

Don’t criticize, gossip, or brag. Be positive. Learn to like yourself.

squirbel's avatar


Great laugh! No -I don’t believe I have a BRF… but maybe I do.

My face is very expressionless. Very. lolol. That was hilarious.

I’ll show you my two faces. :)



squirbel's avatar


Midwest [michigan], 114000 population town, and desperate to move. I just moved here 3 years ago. Overall I prefer small towns cos I hate big roads [for driving and walking], but I adapt everywhere.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Today, when I was at a cafe, I was feeling the need to step outside my box. I asked an older gentleman who was sitting alone if I may keep him company. He was happy to receive me, and we chatted for a good while. We made a lunch date for next week. I have a new friend!
Keep doing more of that. Successful people find things that work and duplicate it over and over, and once it works, don’t tinker with it. You seen it work, you know it works, soi just choose a different “mark” next time. ;-)

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

Go boating. Boaters are very cliquish, and if you make frequent appearances, first to take lessons, then to rent craft to take out yourself, you will draw attention. Don’t just hang out nearby, they KNOW the difference. If you are not opposed, you might try scuba diving too. Mooring lines go figure 8, not circle. The deck of a sailboat is a great place to read.
You will laugh at my next suggestion, but I am having to work with my daughter on the very same thing. Your face. Practice expressions. First surprise yourself. while you read a book, have a mirror handy, set up on table or desk, or sitting in your lap. At times during the read, glance at your reflection. THAT is why people think you are not interested. You have book face. Facial expressions don’t come naturally to everyone the same. It isn’t simply a matter of FEELING happy. The muscles which DO happy have not been getting the proper use to simply get called up at random.
Write down a selection of statements which demand an accompanying facial expression. “My I love that dress, Julie.” “I’m so sorry about your dog. I will cover the vet bills.” “Who wants ice cream?!?” “Can you help me? I don’t think I have it right.”
As an avid reader, you have strong pictures in your mind of the facial expressions which you would expect to see go with such statements. Practice in front of a mirror, saying a variety of things and work on making a suitable expression.. It will feel fake at first. Anything which does not come automatically does feel fake at first. Work those muscles enough, and it will become automatic.
Do you have company visit a lot, or is your home mostly just you? If the latter is the case, leave little notes. On that carton of icecream, “Ice cream, SMILE.” On your bathroom mirror, “Someone said something very funny, laugh. (but don’t sqirt anything out your nose.”
You can’t just start being expressive, you have to become expressive.

If boating is not your cup of tea, then search the internet for local cribbage or Scrabble tournaments. Sure a variety of types show up, but really at any gathering you will find that.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Have you tried to observe how other people view you from a distance? I sometimes intimidate the crap out of people. I hate shopping and I look mean at times. I’ve had people scurry out of my way. But any one that knows my on here knows I’m a big pussycat. But my expression doesn’t reflect that.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

^^ Me too. In constant pain, I always look angry.

squirbel's avatar

How can I truly see out of others’ eyes?

I have asked people’s first impressions of me, and the three keywords that pop up are:


No one has ever said they thought I looked angry. I can’t see how they could cos my resting face has the smallest smile. My eyebrow/nose region never has a crinkle. Etc etc

@hypocrisy_central lol. Mark. ;)

shpadoinklesue's avatar

I’m a bit the same way, @squirbel. I have a tendancy to look down when other people are around. That might be more about the length of eye contact until it becomes “creepy”. I would maybe look into some small groups through the library or googling some monthly events in your local area. Something cheap or free. People are pretty much accepting and welcoming of new members. When you go, make a little eye contact with someone who looks like someone you might feel comfortable with and that should get you started.

fightfightfight's avatar

Oh I thought you were just looking for friends not somebody to marry. Then in that case I have no clue! It’s cool that you look like Talim, I look like Kilik a little but not that much, besides I hate Kilik. Actually nevermind, I don’t look like him @squirbel

Haleth's avatar

Having even a few platonic friends will widen your social circle in all kinds of ways. A lot of people meet their spouses when they’re both invited to the same party, through friends of friends, or by being “set up” by mutual acquaintances. When you’re more out and about socially, romance just sort of flows from your social life.

A good start would be taking a class or joining a club for a hobby you’re interested in. Shared interests are a great foundation for friendships.

Or if you’re out and about in other places, becoming a “regular” somewhere will help you meet people. Like, if you go to a cafe to study, go there on the same time and day every week. You’ll start running into the same people and it will be easier to start conversations and get to know them. For instance, I go for power walks in my neighborhood and run into the same people again and again, and that’s how I’ve gotten to know a lot of the neighbors.

If you’re introverted, you could also wear or carry something that makes it easy for people to start a conversation with you. That could be a really interesting necklace, a dress in a bold color, or an interesting book. That way, if they wanted to talk to you anyway, it will be easier for them.

Racquetballfan's avatar

Practicing a sport you like is the perfect opportunity to find friends, you will probably find friends with similar tastes. For me, racquetball has worked pretty well.

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