How do you show empathy and not support?

I get what you’re trying to do, but for some people life doesn’t work like that. They simply can’t get the message you are trying to send. My husband used to be abusive. I tried everything, but regardless of what I did or said, he always kept on. It was as if he couldn’t hear me, or didn’t understand what I said. Finally I got fed up. I realized that I’d tried everything in my power to get through to him, and by hanging around, I was also teaching my children that it’s just fine for a husband to treat his wife like that.

At that point I told him I was done. If he wanted to save our marriage he’d agree to counseling, otherwise I’d leave. He chose counseling, but it wasn’t until he actually knew I was leaving that he was even willing to consider that his words and actions were actually hurting me.

Moral of this story: Some people don’t listen to what you say; they “listen” to what you do.

Is it possible you are enabling your family members by inadvertently giving them your “approval” with your presence as they mess up their lives?

So this is a question is about you feeling guilty because you don’t help people in need? You feel for them, but not enough to give your time and resources to help them?

There is no word for the noise that just came out of my mouth.

You’re just more proof to the theory that people are inherently selfish. I adhere to this belief 100%.

You have to live with yourself. Do what you have to do to feel good about yourself and simply empathize with them. We can talk ourselves into believing anything.

Empathizing without supporting takes a lot of clarity. Most people don’t even notice that the two things are separate. Good for you. Just keep doing what you’re doing. If they don’t understand, it’s because they’re not as thoughtful as they might get to be later. Hold the line so that they have that opportunity to learn. HARD WORK.

Good question! As I see it, it’s a case of needing strong boundaries, and it sounds as though you have those in place. You don’t condone the wrongdoing, you simply understand the position that they’re in and see why they’re making those choices. You might make different choices in the same situation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t care about them, and still love them.

The difficulty, perhaps, is in this question: Whose opinion are you worrying about?

Who are these ‘people’ scrutinizing you? Do they matter? Are they, in fact, real? (for many of us, the voice of criticism in our own head shouts far louder than anyone else).

You fear being judged, I suspect, because the people close to you are living by values very different to yours. You don’t want others thinking that is true of you too. What’s authentic for you? Who, and whose opinion, matters to you? And why?

Ultimately, it is okay to distance yourself from friends, and even family, if their values are too far out of alignment with your own. Don’t ever feel guilty about doing what’s right for you, but do question why. If you’re acting authentically, truly in alignment with your own values, then you don’t need to explain yourself – and, strangely enough, you’re less likely to be asked to. It’s the lack of integrity and congruence that causes people to question your motives.

When you stay true to your values, you have nothing to fear. Just try to make sure they are your values, and that you’re not acting out of either a misplaced sense of loyalty or an unreasonable fear of authority. Not always easy to see, but keep coming back to this question: Who am I trying to please here? And why?

Empathy is expressed to the original person feeling an emotion. Empathy is not something you share with everyone else. So you can empathize with someone angry over a situation while not accepting their behavior.

But it is not empathy to go around saying “I understand why he is angry, I empathize with that.” That’s justification of their actions, and placing oneself in the middle of the situation, but it’s not your situation.

Theists commonly refer to this situation as, “Love the sinner but hate the sin.” I am not a theist, but I can’t think of a more succinct way of expressing this idea. Maybe people will understand if you express it that way.

Why do you have to justify your actions to other people? If you know you’re not enabling poor behaviour, who are these other people who are challenging you? What are they doing to resolve whatever situation you’re facing? It’s easy to judge others but are they offering you any solutions?

I think the key point is are you ‘enabling’. It’s one thing to understand why our family and friends behave in particular ways, but not to allow our support or actions to help them to continue that behaviour. Sometimes the only way to do this is with tough love. Withdrawing physical support that allows people continue the poor behaviour and withholding emotional comfort that might validate their actions. If people are accusing you of supporting your family and friends’ activity, perhaps you need to consider whether your empathy allows those you care for to validate their behaviour and to justify why they continue.

@LostInParadise Exactly what I was thinking.

You might like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Not enabling…..I’m using prayer and empathy. The people I am concerned about don’t affect me directly. Old friends of mine that are now facing felony charges do to malpractice. I stated that regardless the outcome I would remain their friends. I disagree with their actions but I feel Jesus never would of never turned his back on sinners. I m very vocal about their wrongdoing. However my soul says that even people that make poor choices can turn their life around. Several of my friends feel they don’t deserve prayers or empathy and hope they rot in jail. I feel everyone has demons. I am not the judge and will continue to hope all those involved cm find peace.