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Blackberry's avatar

How long did it take you to recover from past relationships? It's been so long and still don't feel like my old self.

Asked by Blackberry (31723points) January 14th, 2015

A part of me really wants nothing to do with women: I have to meet one, then I have to hope there’s chemistry, and then I have to do the whole dating thing all over again: getting to know them etc. and then after all that, I have to either enter the serious relationship phase or end it and do it all over again?

Like is this just how it is for people who didn’t get lucky and find someone good enough right off the bat?

It’s nothing against women, because I know I can find one, but I feel like I don’t have the energy to build another relationship, but I also don’t want to just be alone and shy for years and years and regret not getting out there while I’m young.

I just feel so defeated and don’t know what I want I guess. It sucks.

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16 Answers

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

For me, how well I recover from broken relationships depends on the length and seriousness of the relationship and who ended things and how prepared I was for the ending. If I was unprepared and especially if I felt betrayed, it has historically taken a long time for me to recover. In contrast, if I made the decision or agreed with it, I’ve recovered very quickly.

It sounds as though you’ve been through a recent break-up, or had a series of them. The process you described has always been my experience. Meet someone, connect emotionally and develop a relationship or not. Unless a couple met fairly young and stayed together for the rest of their life, I think that’s how it is for most people.

You sound burned out and hurt. Perhaps you shouldn’t try to start or build another relationship yet. Maybe you could just get on with your life and do the things you love to do and forget about meeting anyone just for now. Just go about your business. My experience is I meet people I really get on with when I least expect it. Usually when I am just happily going about my life.

You’re a good looking man. The way you present here suggests to me you’re kind, intelligent and fun. Maybe you could spend some time thinking about who the woman you’d like to be with is? Not what she looks like, but who she is? Is that the sort of person who’s generally in your group of friends? Do you need to expand your group of friends or connect with other groups? I don’t know why things haven’t worked out so far, so maybe spend some time finding out why that is?

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

I’ve only ever had one LTR. It lasted three years, and it was nearly a year before I asked a girl out again. I’ve dated plenty of new girls in the past 18 months, but none of them were right, and nothing has lasted beyond a handful of dates. I completely understand every stage of why my LTR didn’t last, but like you I still don’t have the energy for another one three years later.

I prefer the casual route at the moment – I get the perfect balance between solitude, feminine company, and friendship with my mates. But it’s also a hard road, just in a different way.

LuckyGuy's avatar

It sure seems like there are a lot of nice ones here. Jus sayin’.
Plus, you already know how they think. (And they know you.)

(Cue the music: Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match….)

ucme's avatar

I thought your only criteria was that they be white, middle aged & own a big arse :D
I move on rapidly from past relationships, one in particular required me to get the hell outta dodge, coz I shagged my girlfriend’s sister.
You couldn’t see me for dust :D

JLeslie's avatar

My worst break up it took me 4 months to be able to wake up and not be reeling in my mind about the break up. I was traumatized. Around 6 months I began to have some fun again. It took two years to be completely free of him. Meaning, he didn’t affect me in any way anymore, and I felt nornal and able to meet new people and treat a new relationship on its own, without comparing or without my thoughts drificting back to me ex in some way.

I spoke to several women when I broke up and was so upset. Almost all of them said 4–6 months for the worst of it tompass, and then after that sadness and setbacks would come every so often, but they were short lived setbacks.

The months immediately following the break up people would say things like I shouldn’t worry, I would find someone else, that I’m beautiful, and I even had a shrink concerned that I might become very premiscious. None of that related to where I was at. I didn’t worry about finding someone else, I always had attention from men, at that time I didn’t think in terms of being beautiful or not, and I had zero desire for sex immediately after the break up. I was in mourning. Mourning the relationship and mourning what I thought was going to be my future, and worse his new girlfriend was in my spot. In my future. The break up was mutual, he was a bad guy, but it was very hard after being together for so long.

janbb's avatar

It’s been 9 months since my last one ended and I’m still not over it. As Earthbound says partly because i didn’t do it and partly because it was a betrayal. I am looking around but cautiously.

LuckyGuy's avatar

You will never be your old self again. And that is a good thing. You are older and wiser now. You’ve grown.

You are perfectly normal. Meaningful relationships are meaningful. That is why it hurts when they end.
Please don’t give up. You have much to offer and plenty of life to live. Got it?

filmfann's avatar

If I dated anyone for more than a couple dates, I would take a month or two before dating someone else. If I felt any kind of emotional attachment, it would often be 6 months.
For those I was very close to, well, I still ache. I have been married for 30 years, and I still think of past relationships, and I keep in touch with most of them.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, I hardly left the house for a year after my divorce.

You’re a neat guy @Blackberry. Don’t be afraid to reach out. There is someone out there for you, although she might be black! ;)

JLeslie's avatar

We know @Blackberry is awesome and beautiful. :) He just isn’t ready yet. When you’re ready it just happens.

I didn’t answer part of the original question. What happens is eventually for most people you find a really good match and it’s like the most natural thing in the world you fall in live and get married and build a life together. Not that I think that’s for everyone, done people prefer being single, but no you don’t have to keep dating, getting to know someone, break up repeat. Eventually, you will most likely be like a lot of us and just spend the rest if your life getting to know your spouse. 70% of first marriages stay married.

You need a list of what you want and stick to the list. Don’t waste time in red flag girls. Now that you’ve been through a few relationships you know better what you want and what is a red flag for you.

Give yourself time to feel like crap about the break up. Friends and family often have no patience for it. They don’t want to see you sad or dwelling in a girl not right for you, but it isn’t about that. It’s about going through the grieving process.

Blackberry's avatar

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. It means a lot.

Dutchess_III's avatar

(((Hugs))) man.

ucme's avatar

Time for a Michael Bolton song…fuck right off :D

Adagio's avatar

There are no rules about these things, it takes as long as it takes. It took me a long time to recover fully from my marital separation, even when I started a relationship after almost 2 years I was still not ready for it. Personally, I think it’s better to wait until one feels comfortable being alone before embarking on a serious relationship again. The more significant the relationship, the longer it takes to recover I think. I hope none of your friends are putting any intended or unintended pressure on you to get together with someone, we have to go through these things at our own pace.

kritiper's avatar

I figure at least 6 months but it really depends on just how deep your emotions for this person ran. I was madly in love with a girl once and I was having dreams about her 10 years after we went our separate ways!

Mariah's avatar

It took me a long time to deal with my last break up even though I was the one who ended it and I wasn’t in love with the guy. I had to recover from my feelings that he had taken advantage of me for sex, even though everything that happened between us was consensual, because I had been pressured into having a sexual relationship before I really wanted to. That took….maybe six months to feel OK about. I can’t imagine how hard it is to get over, for lack of a better word, “real” abuse.

Now that I am really deeply in love, I have trouble even imagining how I would cope if he were to suddenly break up with me. I have never lost a relationship with someone I truly loved before, and that’s gotta suck. I’m sorry man. Don’t beat yourself up for taking awhile to heal, I think it’s safe to say that’s pretty normal.

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