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micchon's avatar

How do I leave an emotionally abusive boyfriend and relationship?

Asked by micchon (391points) February 19th, 2015

I was the one asking for advice about my emotionally abusive boyfriend a month ago (I don’t know if you could see my past questions in my profile, but they’re there).

We’re still together now but I don’t want to deal with these anymore. It’s totally a toxic relationship. I don’t want to stay anymore. The reasons why I stay is because he hasn’t paid me yet for losing my Wacom Bamboo pen, and some of my stuff (clothes, etc.) are still in his place.

I’m sick with this. I can’t stay with someone who tortures me mentally, emotionally and verbally all because of my promiscious past.

He has told me a lot of I love yous and that I’m the one he chooses to be with and to spend his life with, but all he makes me feel is shit. If ever that happens, I know I won’t be happy.

I have to leave to preserve myself ‘cause I’m slowly losing myself in the toxicity of this relationship. He wants me to change everything about me, the way I dress, my values and beliefs in life, my past. He tells me that I am a slut and I don’t deserve to be treated well amd special because I was once promiscious.

Whatever. I’m sick of this. But can someone help me how to leave this relationship without regrets? Because it’s the little things that are hard to forget.

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29 Answers

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

You’re staying with an emotionally abusive man because he lost a Wacom Bamboo pen and some clothes are at his place? How about you try to work out how to stay in such a relationship WITHOUT regrets. There are no material possessions that’re more valuable than your self-respect and mental health.

Just leave. It sounds as though you don’t live together since you’re saying your stuff is at HIS place. Tell him you don’t want to see him and stop seeing him. Choose a public place so you’re safe. Block his calls. Perhaps go and stay with a girlfriend for a few days.

micchon's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit Yesss, I know that was an embarrassing reason to stay but I really need that pen for work because I’m an illustrator :))
Thank you so much :)

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

Buy a new one. Really, no pen is worth staying with a man who is abusive and nothing will convince me otherwise.

I just did a search of Wacom’s site. The most expensive pen was just under $100. Which is what I paid for one here. Is your self-esteem worth less than $100? Frankly, if the pen was worth thousands, I’d still say leave and buy a new one.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

It sounds to me like he’s trying to make it so that he’s the only person left in your life that you have to rely on. No friends, no family, no identity outside of him. He’s trying to control you to the degree that you won’t be able to leave him beyond a certain point. Is that really what you want for yourself? The longer this goes on, the more likely you are to become his prisoner, essentially. Get out while you still can.

Call a friend or family member, tell them what is going on, and ask if you can stay with them for a bit.

LDRSHIP's avatar

@micchon I feel like this whole pen and clothes excuse is more of a cop out in that you still have not fully come to terms and the reality of wanting to end this relationship. I mean really that is your reason for staying?

I am not saying this is the case, but generally from my experiences with other people is that if you’ve had abusive things in your life before in the past. Somehow that person continues the cycle or allows it. Again I don’t know your entire story.

“But can someone help me how to leave this relationship without regrets? Because it’s the little things that are hard to forget.”

What does that even mean? The fact you even let this continue to this point boggles my mind. End this shit by whatever means necessary so you can move forward.

If this guy is physical consider getting more than family involve, law enforcement. Maybe even consider professional hotlines or counselors or something to help if you feel it is needed.

janbb's avatar

How about you leave him and you do have some regrets? Nothing is 100% pain free. I am better off single than I was in my marriage but there are still things I regret about it. But this is something you know you need to do. So do it.

jca's avatar

Do you not ever go to his house? I’m thinking if you do, go one last time, Deal with the crap one last time, get the pen, take the shit and tell yourself it’s the last time. Then, after you get the pen (since it’s so valuable to you and I can understand you probably can’t afford another one), after you leave with the pen, then break up. The clothes, fuck them, you can get new ones.

rojo's avatar

Can you take an extended (a couple of weeks) vacation? If so, do what @Earthbound_Misfit suggests, meet in a very public place, tell him that the two of you are through, leave, turn off your phone (or block his number) and catch your flight (or get in your car and start driving) that afternoon.

The idea is to put some distance between you so that you cannot start regretting your decision, relent and get back together. A vacation will also give you something to do that is enjoyable, if you let it be, and occupy both your time and your mind.

Hopefully when you return you will have a clearer mindset and the will and desire to move on. And, from what you describe, by the time you get back he will have found some other person to inflict himself on.

ibstubro's avatar

If you’re not broke, find an apartment to share with a compatible female, pick you crap up from the BF’s place, and get out. Having someone else around and transitioning to new living arrangements will help keep you from dwelling on leaving him.

If your financially strapped, contact Avenues or another type of woman’s shelter and have them guide you through reestablishing an independent life.

It’s not going to be easy, but if you make up your mind to do it and take a day at a time, it’s not as hard as it now seems.

Good luck!

janbb's avatar

^^ She doesn’t live with him.

janbb's avatar

@micchon To answer another part of your question in a different way, no relationship is all good or all bad. Both at the end of my marriage and a subsequent intimate friendship, I really missed the in-jokes and shared experiences that only that person knew about. There are regrets but in time you are able to realize that that sharing is gone but you are better off without the relationship.

dappled_leaves's avatar

Just break up with him. At the end of a relationship, at least one party is going to walk away without getting all their stuff back. What’s important is your mental and emotional health. Be strong. Do what you need to do.

After you’ve broken up with him, if you feel that the stuff you left at his place is vitally important to you for some reason, then bring someone with you when you go to pick it up. Do not go alone.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, first, quit making excuses. It’s $30 pen. Buy a new one. Buy new clothes. Be gone. And be careful. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abusive relationship.

And it’s OK to have regrets.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Excuses for not wanting to get out. If you really want to leave, NOTHING will stop you.

AshLeigh's avatar

Buy a new pen. Take a friend with you to collect your belongings, and leave. Do not go back. Do not take his calls. Do not answer his texts. Do not see him. Leave, and if he doesn’t leave you alone, block his number. If he comes around, call the police.

ibstubro's avatar

Whether you live with him or not, I think a change of living arrangements would be a healthy step. Including getting a female (or gay, better yet) roommate to distract you and consume some of your time. It’d be a lot easier to put him off if he has no connection to your current living arrangements, and there’s someone else there to run interference.

Obviously, I’m in the “excuses” camp, but I think you could start planning for a total break, i.e. getting new living arrangements and replacing your belongings (shop the thrifts).

Dutchess_III's avatar

I would not go back and collect your belongings. They aren’t worth your life.

edieb's avatar

I broke up with a person who was taking all my energy and abusing and humiliating me all the time. It was 2 months ago, he keeps on calling asking how am I, writing me drunk messages saying I love you, so I understand your feelings. But think about your future. You are losing your time which you can possibly use for restoring or for building new healthy and happy relations. Forget about the stuff, consider it as a price you pay for your freedom. Just live one day after another, it will be difficult, but in a while you’ll feel stronger. It took me 2 month to feel that I am free, I wish you the same.

fredTOG's avatar

Sounds like he wants you to go ,he is thinking she won’t go know matter how mean I am to her why won’t she go ? I guess I’ll see how far I can push her until she snaps.

Dutchess_III's avatar

How do you get “he wants her to go” @fredTOG? There was nothing in this thread to indicate that.

fredTOG's avatar

@Dutchess III How can you treat someone that way and expect them to want to stay ? so that would only leave me to believe that he must want her to go , if he wanted her to stay he would be saying nice things to her and bringing her flowers and things of that nature don’t you think? at least until they were into the 10th year of their marriage ,LOL sarcastic remark in case you didn’t get that.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@fredTOG No, not at all, actually. Controlling, abusive and manipulative partners employ the kind of behavior that the original poster detailed all the time. It works on people who are especially codependent, or people who are in very negative circumstances in general.

fredTOG's avatar

I said that leads me to believe this I didn’t say you had to believe it what you say may be true but she does want to leave him and he is saying mean and disrespectful things to her, so go figure she wants to leave him shocking isn’t it ? Do you think that he’s picking up on the vibe that she may want to leave him? He would be pretty dense not to feel the tension in the air.

fredTOG's avatar

I know this scenario all too well ,some of my first memories were of my father beating the shit out of my mother and then he would beg her to take him back when he wasn’t drunk ,until finally she left him although he was suffering from alcoholism and two tours in Vietnam but that’s still no excuse it made a very big impression on me how not to treat a woman.

Dutchess_III's avatar

OK, even in your own experience abusive people are not trying to get the other person to leave. They are just controlling them.

Mack_Martinez's avatar

I don’t think you should leave him in fact an emotional person can be good husband and a good father too. So you must not leave him..

Dutchess_III's avatar

^^^^ Don’t even listen to him.

fredTOG's avatar

So did you stay or…...?

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