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CugelTheClueless's avatar

Romantically, who chooses and who is chosen?

Asked by CugelTheClueless (1534points) February 21st, 2015

Who chooses whom in romantic relationships? I’ve never gotten anywhere with a woman unless she had already decided she wanted me before I had even thought of making any kind of overture to her. I wonder if this is because of my particular personal characteristics or if there is an underlying gender dynamic here that is more common than most males realize.

Popular romantic entertainment usually offers one of two scenarios (a) the guy is smitten with a gal who does not immediately reciprocate his feelings, and eventually he wins her over, or (b) there is instant mutual attraction, and despite various obstacles, external or internal, the two get together. When it’s the gal who wins over the guy, it’s usually some kind of farce, or else she is portrayed as some kind of femme fatale or seductress.

Ok, this intro has gone on too long already. What has your experience been?

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16 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

I have been “chosen” by a few women in my life time, and those have always been my best relationships.

I met a woman in a bar one night long ago, we exchanged numbers. The next day she called me to see if I had made it home okay. What a wonderful girlfriend, I almost married her.

My current girlfriend and I have known each other a very long time. Middle of last year, she escalated communication and we managed to get together, and are now very serious.

AshLeigh's avatar

… Shouldn’t it be mutual?

gailcalled's avatar

Personally, I would avoid any man who referred to me as a gal.

Coloma's avatar

@gailcalled Better than a broad or a chick or a bitch. I hate the newer slang of calling women bitches. haha

Dutchess_III's avatar

I agree with @ARE_you_kidding_me. Women choose. Men pursue, but the woman decides if he is successful or not.

CugelTheClueless's avatar

@AshLeigh ideally, maybe, but it never seems to work that way, at least not for me.

@Dutchess_III But does the man choose to pursue BEFORE the woman decides she’s interested in him, and then only after she becomes aware of his interest does she decide whether to give him the green light? That sounds like conventional scenario (a) to me. My relationships have never played out that way.

Or does it depend more on personality traits like extroversion vs. introversion rather than gender roles?

Dutchess_III's avatar

In my experience, yes. Men pursued me even when I showed 0 interest. 95% of the time I rejected them.

CugelTheClueless's avatar

^And that has been my experience when I try to follow that script. Rejection. But then have there been other men that you were interested in before they showed an interest in you? Or have you only had relationships with that 5% of the men who pursued you first?

(edit: I just looked at your profile. Is that a recent photo? If it is, I’m still interested in your answers, but to be honest I was aiming this question at older people.)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Once I aggressively went after a guy. He went down without a whimper.

It’s not a question of who perused me first. I quickly assessed the men’s personalities and whether I went any further depended on the results. Usually there was some sort of flag that turned me off.

My profile pic is of my grand daughter.

Coloma's avatar

@Dutchess_III Hey, us 70’s girls paved the road to bold. lol

Haleth's avatar

“Popular romantic entertainment usually offers one of two scenarios (a) the guy is smitten with a gal who does not immediately reciprocate his feelings, and eventually he wins her over, or (b) there is instant mutual attraction, and despite various obstacles, external or internal, the two get together.”

My favorite is #3, where long-term mutual attraction builds up over time. It’s so rare, and so worthwhile!

AshLeigh's avatar

@CugelTheClueless, that’s so strange to me. It’s always been pretty evened out, for me.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Women choose. It is absurd and patronizing to imagine it any other way.

I am talking to a female, she makes fun of a guy who hit on her. I am confused as to why. It then dawns on me that a woman deems any man who hits on her who she has not put out signals to as creepy.

If a woman invites a man to hit on her through body language and eye contact it is okay, even if she rejects him later. A man who approaches without a woman giving those signals? Creepy.

Women don’t like to admit this, as they are uncomfortable being known as the true sexual aggressor.

CugelTheClueless's avatar

^I wish somebody had told me this when I was a teenager.

@Haleth Yes, come to think of it, that’s Jane Austen at her best. I should have left off the “instant”.

@AshLeigh For me, the ones I am strongly attracted to—not just physically—are never interested in me romantically. I end up settling for someone who is more interested in me than I am in her, for lack of better offers.

Safie's avatar

The feeling should be mutual my guy saw me and wanted me so if i guess if you’re speaking about choosing then in that case he chose me but i still had some level of attraction for him (He’s gorgeous!!) BUT just because someone chooses you unless there is some attraction from the other side you can choose all you want doesn’t mean you’re going to get it.

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