General Question

dopeguru's avatar

What does it mean if a guy stops talking to a girl when she refuses to be sexual?

Asked by dopeguru (1894points) March 18th, 2015

If it was the third date lets say, and he’d been texting her a lot about both personal and impersonal things. When she sleeps over a few hours at his place and she refuses to do anything thats sexual, does that determine his disinterest in her romantically if he stops texting her after that? Or, is it more likely that he never really wanted anything romantic in the first place, just sex, so he doesn’t want to pursue it anymore.

I tend to be attracted to assholes as I have bad judgement on determining who is one and who isn’t. So every time I’m disappointed or heartbroken I’m left puzzled and I try to understand their perspectives.

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59 Answers

Misspegasister28's avatar

If a guy stops talking to a girl just because she doesn’t want to do anything sexual, I’m afraid that pretty much says he only wanted sex anyway. Because the way I look at it, if a guy really loves you for you and your personality, he’ll wait until you’re ready to do anything sexual. If he just drops you because you didn’t want to do any of that right away, then he probably just was looking for sex.

dopeguru's avatar

@Misspegasister28 Even if he texts the girl and talks about personal issues and relationships, etc.?

1TubeGuru's avatar

He sounds like a player.

dopeguru's avatar

@1TubeGuru Yup. He even told me guys can’t be forward anymore and that games are the only thing that works. Eek. Should’ve gotten a clue.

Misspegasister28's avatar

@dopeguru It may be because he wanted to come off as a good, respectable person to you when in reality he might just be looking for sex. He may be one of those guys who feels like since he was so good to you you have to thank him with sex. I had a guy like that once. We texted for about a week and he seemed really into me and asked me about my likes and dislikes and relationships, etc. but turns out he only did want sex.
And it does depend on how long you’ve been waiting since a text. If you really want to keep going with the relationship, maybe give him a little time? But please don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with, please don’t let him take advantage of you! Please be very careful! In my opinion, from what I’ve heard, he sounds like a very toxic, sexist person.

dopeguru's avatar

@Misspegasister28 Thats exactly how mine sounds like too. I cant believe how guys can think like that! Its very disgusting.

janbb's avatar

<——-Shakes head and walks away.

syz's avatar

It means he’s an asshat.

Aster's avatar

He doesn’t want to waste anymore time with romance or chit chat. He wants to get right down to IT or you’re history. Very common with high school BOYS . Now he’s simply annoyed. It’s quite common and he probably has a long string of girls he has treated exactly like this. Women are to him, right now, a commodity—something to be used then tossed out.
I think you have two choices: tell him off and dump him first or give in and get more dates. Tough choice. haha

Blackberry's avatar

You answered your own question. No one can tell you to try to separate from your bad boy phase. You either keep getting hurt or you don’t.

Misspegasister28's avatar

@dopeguru It is disgusting!!! We women are human beings with thoughts and feelings and emotions and deserve to be treated as such. We are not objects. I’m really glad he didn’t get a chance to hurt you.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@dopeguru You keep asking a lot of the same questions, about guys that are dicks just out for sex, and you keep finding more of the same type of guys. Maybe you need to ask yourself why you keep finding these guys and why you spend time with them.

dappled_leaves's avatar

It is not necessary for you to “be puzzled” or to “understand their perspectives”. To do so is a waste of your time and energy – you will learn nothing from it.

The guy is not interested in you. He was trying to use you for sex. That has nothing to do with you. Just don’t interact with him again. He’s not worth your time.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Um… sleeping at his place AND refusing to do anything sexual is where rationale males start asking themselves, is this woman whole mentally? Do I really want to put my dick in crazy and wait for the paternity suit….

Mariah's avatar

^ Why on earth does this indicate any amount of craziness?

I’ll take a slightly less accusatory approach: it’s possible that he wasn’t JUST looking for sex. But he was looking for sex, possibly as a component of a romantic relationship. And he’s not interested in a relationship that doesn’t include sex.

A far more decent guy would stick around and wait until you become comfortable with the idea of sex, however.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

^Third date- you get drunk and sleep on the couch and make clear you don’t have any sexual intentions?
A far more decent girl would have said by now I want to be your girlfriend and my lack of kissing you prior to pass out should not be interpreter-ed as you being friend zoned while I drink and party

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I wondered why sleeping there meant sex too. I’ve slept with a lot of women, with no sex. But the closeness and the intimacy was excellent. You wake up in the morning in someone’s arms around you, and their warm body against you and it feels amazing. And it’s fun to cook breakfast together.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought She didn’t say she was drunk. Whether she was or wasn’t, she has the right to decide she doesn’t want sex.

WTF does decency have to do with anything? She doesn’t owe him sex for spending time with him.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@dappled you are right.

tt is clear to me a man should be very careful about talking to a woman at all in this day and age, as you are ready to start an argument with me right now.

You win. No man wants anything to do with a modern woman without a lawyer. Congrats!

Buttonstc's avatar

High School boys are mostly hormones with feet.

As they grow up a little they learn to think with the large head atop their shoulders rather than the little head located elsewhere.

This guy is still stuck in the stage where the little head dictates his actions.

Eventually you’ll find a guy mature enough to value who you are inside regardless if sex is immediately part of the equation or not.

By not having sex right off the bat, you’re finding out a lot about the guy’s character and motives. Keep doing this and eventually the right guy will come along.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Whatever. Take responsibility for yourself or don’t. Be an adult or be a child. Your choice.

Pandora's avatar

It means he was a waste of your time and it’s best to move on. One day you will be the one that got away and he will be a tiny footnote in your life. Some years from now you will probably hear about the latest child support he is trying to avoid paying and you will feel a great sense of relief that it isn’t your problem.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought, I’m totally with @dappled_leaves on this one. I don’t understand where you’re coming from. Staying at a man’s place doesn’t guarantee sex regardless of whether it’s the first, third or 100th date. She wasn’t drunk, but even if she was, she has the right to drink without an expectation she’ll put out after drinking.

@dopeguru, you are certainly following a pattern. If I were you, I’d stop going out with men for a while and spend some time figuring out what I want from the guys I date. If you keep attracting men who are players or who treat you badly, you must be sending signals to say that’s what you expect. If you don’t break this pattern, you’re going to be posting many more of these questions.

Misspegasister28's avatar

I really hate this mentality that women “owe” men sex whenever a man does something nice for her.
Newsflash: a woman never owes you sex. Even if you are super nice to her and do a lot of good things for her, she doesn’t owe you sex. It’s the same way around. If a woman does a lot of good things for a guy, he doesn’t owe her sex.
Also, if a girl is drunk and passed out at your house, that still doesn’t mean you’re allowed to have sex with her. You wanna know the only time when you’re allowed to have sex with someone? If they say yes.
Because, guess what? Sex without consent is rape.

dopeguru's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought I wasn’t drunk. I stayed at plenty of peoples houses without sex. Thats absurd. Its like bargaining? If you let me sleep at yours, that means I owe you sex? Thats pathetic and tasteless. People have lost their heads. When has laying down with someone after a night/morning of chilling at the house has become so absurd? Are we that animalistic by nature that we assume the whole night of enjoying company is just a hint of sexual activity for the male? Where is our humanity, moments, laughs, shared passions?

dopeguru's avatar

You guys are right. I suppose I attract assholes. But I’m thinking that nice men are just assholes that know how to play well now.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

That’s because you’re hanging around with arseholes. I’m married to a nice guy. He’s not an asshole in wolf’s clothing. He treats me like I’m the most important person in his life, because I am the most important person in his life. He values me and he respects me. I’ve dated many men who behave that way. I’ve dated arseholes too but not for long.

You can have a man who treats you respectfully and cherishes you. You just have to determine that you won’t accept anything less. People treat us as we allow them to treat us.

dopeguru's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit You’re right. I haven’t met any nice guys. Even the nice guys who are my friends have done things I didn’t like that were very arsehollish. Men became these scary things for me,

cheebdragon's avatar

How old are you?

cheebdragon's avatar

Do you not have many female friends? I’m honestly not trying to be mean, you just seem to ask a lot of questions that I would expect more from a 13–16 year old.

Kardamom's avatar

This is a classic case of a guy just “not being that into you.”

Move on. Next time look for and nurture a relationship with a decent guy instead of an asshole.

Don’t assume that all men, or even most men, are assholes. You need to figure out what an asshole actually is, what it looks like, how it acts, and avoid avoid assholes.Then you need to figure out what a decent guy actually is, what he looks like and how he acts and then nurture a relationship with him (but only if he’s truly interested in you, don’t try to force anyone into having feelings for you, and don’t stay with people who don’t have feelings for you).

jca's avatar

@dopeguru: To play devil’s advocate, I am wondering if you led him on, led him to expect there would be something more prior to your date, and then let him down. I am not saying you owe anybody anything. (Please to anybody ready to jump on me saying “she does not owe him sex. She has the right to say no.” I know she does not owe him sex. I know she has the right to say no. I know sleeping at someone’s house does not mean they’re having sex. I am not saying that.) I am saying maybe, just maybe, you sent him sexual texts, pm’s or had conversations other ways where you indicated you wanted him and something was going to happen, and then you acted like those conversations never happened? Perhaps you teased him in some way? Just wondering if there is more to this story. As they say, there are three sides to every story. The two sides and the truth.

rojo's avatar

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Robin Williams

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@rojo LMAO. That is so true.

janbb's avatar

^^ Oh – so it’s G-d’s fault?

rojo's avatar

^^ Sure why not. Why get the credit for the good if you can’t take the responsibility for the bad.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@dopeguru Everybody attracts assholes. They’re like the plague or walkers, they go after everyone. The trick is to recognize them and say no. There are some decent guys out there, it just takes a lot of sorting out of the assholes to find the decent ones. But don’t give up. They do exist.

Mariah's avatar

Jfc yes it’s “modern women’s” fault (what does that even mean? Women who expect equal treatment?) when discourse gets nasty after the conversation started with a great instance of “bitches be crazy” paired with “if you spend time with him you owe him sex.”

LuckyGuy's avatar

If I just take this question by itself it clearly looks like the guy expected something he didn’t get and was a jerk. But!....
But when I look at your other questions and comments:
“if I think a man is completely amazing in all ways, should I work for him and pursue him?” and
“I consider myself insane. I only like pain in relationships so I push lover candidates away. I create conflict and trouble/hurt the opposite sex who is showing me too much contentment or love (not sure why I do that). This always leads me to act inconsistently like an emotional roller coaster and I eventually shortly end up being left behind.”
“I only do this if I really like the person I’m seeing. But it doesn’t lead anywhere because they give up.”

It it possible the guy just had time to recognize something that did not show up on the first two dates and decided it was safer/more honest/lower stress/whatever to end it sooner rather than later.
Unlike many people with one sided data, I do not always assume the guy is at fault. It was only a week ago when you wrote that you “only like the pain in relationships”. Yikes! That would scare most nice guys away – sex or no sex.

dopeguru's avatar

@LuckyGuy Oh well they usually give me pain and that leads me to sadness and more thinking of them because there are problems to solve.
I only saw this guy 3 times, and in a friendly manner than anything. I also don’t neglect this negative personality at all. I’m very friendly and loving. He told me he was puzzled and disappointed that we didn’t end up having sex.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’m not a doc (and don’t even play one on TV) but some of your comments sure sound bipolar.
“emotional roller coaster” “I don’t know why I do that” “push him away”. Lots more.

“He told me he was puzzled and disappointed that we didn’t end up having sex.” Can you see why he would feel that way?
Nobody Owes sex to anyone. Agreed. Likewise, Nobody Owes sticking around to anyone. Agreed?
When I was dating I had an unwritten list of absolute fails for my potential partner.
If she got drunk, smoked, was lethargic, spent a lot, was rude, ate a lot, or made me feel uncomfortable, I would end it quickly. Life is too short and there are so many others without those strikes against them.
Do you have a “fail list”? Think about it.

dopeguru's avatar

@LuckyGuy interesting… to be honest, there are many things i don’t really love about him either. he is definitely not my ideal guy. But that doesn’t mean Im not willing to experience some more and see another human in an intimate way! I think I may no be that picky lol.
But for sure there was something he didn’t like about me. But i still think his intentions were sex from the start. He even said it himself – he said he doesn’t mind hooking up with a girl “x y z” circumstances, talking about me. I think he just wants a shag and plays the good guy game to get there.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@dopeguru This is tough question for you… When he said he doesn’t mind hooking up [for sex] did you tell him up front that you don’t want to do that? Or did you not state your opinion, but still went to his place ‘to sleep’ for a few hours.
Can you see why he would think you might be playing games or trying to manipulate him? What image are you projecting? Do you dress provocatively or conservatively? How do you think he perceives you?
Nobody has the right to expect or demand sex from another. Likewise, Nobody has the right to expect or demand another person stick around.

If we had a few dates, talked about sex, made out for a while and agreed to sleep together at my place for a few hours, of course I would think sex was on the table. If you took a shower when we arrived I’d be even more expectant. If it didn’t happen I would feel either we were not on the same page or I was being manipulated, and it would be over immediately.
I don’t need or want drama in my life and there are too many other nice possibilities out there.

dopeguru's avatar

@LuckyGuy I never agreed for anything. I wasn’t being sexual. I was being friendly. All I did that wasn’t friendly is to kiss him. i wasn’t being manipulative when i didn’t have sex with him. I just wanted to cuddle.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Then I’d say you two were not on the same page and simply had different expectations.
That is ok. You are not required to have sex with him, and he is not required to go out with you again.
We all have freedom of choice.

Is there any activity you enjoy that does not involve dating? Do you ever go out with other women friends – not to a bar – just out to an interesting restaurant, or museum, or rollerblading or mall walking? Pick some place where there is no pressure and you all can talk.

jca's avatar

@dopeguru: Look at @LuckyGuy‘s description of what could have happened, and yes, all that “was sexual” in that scenario was the making out part, but do you see how the rest all could have been perceived as a hint that sex was on the table? “If we had a few dates, talked about sex, made out for a while and agreed to sleep together at my place for a few hours, of course I would think sex was on the table. If you took a shower when we arrived I’d be even more expectant.” If you only kissed him but yet did all of those other things (talked about sex, agreed to sleep together at his place, took a shower) then that’s probably where the misunderstanding came from. Did you talk about sex, drop hints about sex, discuss what your idea of good sex is, tell him you want him, not disagree when he said he wanted you, anything like that?

dopeguru's avatar

@jca I never took a shower and I didn’t agree to sleep at his place and I didn’t talk about sex.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Serious. The questioner SAYS SHE FINDS MEN WHO DON’T RESPECT HER ESPECIAL ATTRACTIVE.

I don’t understand the people yelling at me. Do they want me to support feminism or do they want me to support a feminism that does not exist for this woman

Mariah's avatar

To clarify I don’t know anything about this questioner besides what’s in the question details and I assumed the same of you. Your “crazy” comment in particular referred to her behavior as described in the question details, not anything else she had previously disclosed on Fluther.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought, and even if she is attracted to men who don’t respect her, that still doesn’t suggest she should put out if for some reason they expect sex.

How is what you said supporting feminism? You’re talking shit and digging a very deep hole for yourself.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Guys easy, most of us are friends, lets go easy on each other.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought You are the one bringing your negative views of feminism to bear on this question. Don’t accuse us of things you are doing yourself. And by all means, please discuss the issue itself, instead of running and hiding under the “feminists are mean” skirt.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I am sorry gonna push for logic on this one.

mariachh an dappled I said:
^Third date- you get drunk and sleep on the couch and make clear you don’t have any sexual intentions?
A far more decent girl would have said by now I want to be your girlfriend and my lack of kissing you prior to pass out should not be interpreter-ed as you being friend zoned while I drink and party

I am not in argument further with you two.

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Yeah, that wasn’t even coherent. You clearly aren’t in argument with anyone.

Mariah's avatar

???? you rewrote what you already said I don’t see how that clarifies anything. I don’t need to argue more but you’re just confusing me more and more with further replies.

cheebdragon's avatar

If the guy has stopped talking to you, why does it even matter?

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