General Question

dopeguru's avatar

I can't let go of this man?

Asked by dopeguru (1917points) April 3rd, 2015

I screwed up the first time we met, then began falling in love with him but he was already out the door. He isn’t a saint but I can’t stop thinking about him. Its been 5 months since we’ve met and he has been just distant for the most part. I keep going back like an idiot. It hurts and I wish to start all over and not make the stupid mistakes I did but I just can’t possibly do that. Its driving me nuts! I cry every night thinking about him, my life feels empty and I have this awful longing.

How do I even stop this? This awful longing I have for someone who doesn’t want me… Romance is so painful. I feel like he is a part of my family, its very strange…

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40 Answers

marinelife's avatar

After having read several of your posts, I think that you need to work on yourself first before you are ready for a relationship. Start by loving yourself and liking yourself.

You won’t find what you need outside of yourself.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Lady, unless you look inside yourself and figure out what’s fucked up inside of you, you are never going to get anywhere. You go after the assholes, you go after guys that just want to use you, you never go for guys that respect you. Duh, that’s relationship 101. Don’t date assholes.

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anniereborn's avatar

I don’t mean this in a insulting way, but for some reason you seem to be “happier” when you are in a miserable relationship. So until that changes, you will be going through this over and over and over.

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dxs's avatar

I haven’t been following all of @dopeguru‘s posts, but perhaps shedding light on what it means to like oneself would be helpful. For instance, what does it entail, and how does one achieve it? I’m sure talking about how much she bitches is only going to make her feel worse about herself, right?

rojo's avatar

@dxs Perhaps so, but @dopeguru doesn’t want to know how to change herself, she want to know how to make what she is now work. I mean, look at the last line of her question ”....awful longing I have for someone who doesn’t want me… Romance is so painful…” Really? He is distant, ignores you, wants nothing to do with you, has basically told you to go away and you obsess over him and then call this “Romance”?? Really? More like Masochism to my way of thinking.

janbb's avatar

I am beginning to think you are either a troll or have absolutely no capacity for self-awareness.

cheebdragon's avatar

@rojo Males use physical violence, females orchestrate mental warfare against eachother that would make blackwater officials cringe and cover their family jewels.

Safie's avatar

Romance, Love is not painful It’s the people involved that make it so and love and romance should not hurt if it does then It is NOT love. You mentioned that this man is distant and ignores you, he is sending you the message loud and clear that he wants nothing to do with you, and you are not accepting it that is another reason it is hard for you to move forward, ask yourself this is putting your life on hold for someone who doesn’t want you and makes it clear that they don’t going to benefit you?... until you accept this for what it is, you’ll be forever like a lost soul drifting aimlessly, You need to finally work on yourself, find your self respect, accept that this is broken, and learn to live your life for you focus on you and learn to love yourself and move on.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Come on, you must be playing around on Fluther!

Darth_Algar's avatar

Sever any and all contact with this person. Completely eliminate them from your life. That’s the only way you’re ever going to get over him. Ignore your longing and have nothing to do with him. That longing will go away on its own. What you’re doing now is like continually cutting a wound open then asking how you can make it heal*.

(*Answer: by leaving it alone and letting it heal.)

rojo's avatar

@Darth_Algar I liken it to more like picking at a scab.

dopeguru's avatar

He told me we weren’t good fit for each other even though he felt I was perfect at first. This fact hurts the most. I feel like I screwed something up. I made stupid mistakes and Im aware of them, and if it happened again i would make it work.

Its so terrifying.

janbb's avatar

How many different men have you asked us about in the past several months? Is it the same question each time about one man or about many different men?

dopeguru's avatar

@janbb same guy for the most part.

Kardamom's avatar

I think it’s time that you made an appointment with a therapist. You seem to have a lot of problems that revolve around men, relationships and your self esteem, or lack thereof. Because you lack self esteem and don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, you choose to pursue men that have no interest in you, or men that are abusive. You need to find out why. You need to figure out a way to change your old patterns and find new, healthy ways to relate to people in general, not just men. If you don’t do something soon, you will end up living a very painful life. Best of luck to you, dear.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Everybody is perfect when a relationship first starts. That’s nothing more than the “new relationship high” talking.

marinelife's avatar

@dopeguru Read a book on self love. I recommend Self Parenting. It will help you to stop thinking about someone who has treated you badly. I also second the notion of seeing a therapist.

cheebdragon's avatar

If all of your questions have been about the same guy, I highly recommend that you immediately stop stalking him.
He’s made it very clear that he doesn’t like you, it’s time to take that hint.

Zaku's avatar

What marinelife and cheebdragon just said.

I also think you need to understand and accept that these feelings are something in you and not about him, and work through what that’s all about. Even in established relationships with others, we mainly work out feelings that are in us that we developed in our past. In relationships that don’t even really get started, it’s even more true. It’s probably a gift that you didn’t get involved with this guy, and an opportunity to focus on understanding what’s up with you and healing that, with good counsel and not in relationship.

jca's avatar

@dopeguru: He told you that you were perfect in the beginning of the relationship? I am guessing that’s before you had sex with him. I am guessing that perhaps after that, you became enamored and clingy and then he decided that you were no longer perfect? Next time, hold off on the sex and see where the relationship goes without it.

Coloma's avatar

Oh dear lord, please swear off all relationship, maybe forever or at least until you complete a minimum of 60 months in therapy.

dopeguru's avatar

@Zaku Thats very interesting. So it it not him but me that is causing such love?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Yes, you are looking for love. This guy is looking to get laid. You think you’re in a relationship. The guy is happy to have a chick to fuck. Can I make it any clearer?

rojo's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe he WAS looking. Then there was too much baggage to make it worth the effort.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@rojo Well, we’re all looking for that. But in lieu of that a piece of ass keeps us entertained till we find love. I’m being blunt because @dopeguru doesn’t seem to get that.

dopeguru's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe He wasn’t just looking for sex. Perhaps I was more so than him?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Hmm, maybe you need sex to feel loved? I need to think on this a bit.

dopeguru's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe No.. Its not really about sex. He thought I wasn’t a good fit for his serious relationship ideal and that hurt.

jca's avatar

@dopeguru: Maybe he just says anything in order to get laid and then he just says anything in order to break up.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@dopeguru I haven’t met a guy at that age that can say that with conviction and honesty. He wanted to dip his dick and then he said that to justify bailing. I think. I’m not in his head.

rojo's avatar

Just remember what Robin Williams pointed out.

cheebdragon's avatar

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to just STFU. Seriously, if you like the guy and you want him to like you, you should stop talking to him or around him.
Guys like that quiet bit of mystery and you won’t terrify him anymore with what I can only assume, are bat shit crazy tendencies.

Zaku's avatar

@dopeguru Yes, the love you feel is in you – it’s yours and you can develop and share it with someone else – preferably someone who will be healthier and a better match, and will reciprocate, etc. You won’t lose that love if you never see that guy again, because it’s you. It’s certainly not the actual him, even though something you responded to about him brought it up for you.

Beyond that, it’s really important to try to understand what relationship pattern you’re replaying here. When we feel so strongly fixated on someone we didn’t even really get to know, it’s bringing up something in us that we need healed and which will come up again, and it’s a great opportunity to study that with one-way fixations like this because there’s little content from the other person, and no current relationship to worry about.

When we’re being pulled into unhealthy relationships, it’s especially important to work that out, because unhealthy relationships are much less likely to actually heal the distress – they tend to lead to dysfunctional drama relationships that entrench the pattern.

After we work those things out for ourselves, then we have a much better chance of being able to have healthy relationships.

Buttonstc's avatar

T-H-E-R-A-P-Y

Sooner rather than later. You are in desperate need of some insight into yourself.

Or ignore mine and everybody else’s advice about this and continue living in misery. Your choice.

Qipaogirl's avatar

I am sorry that you feel such hurt and pain. Speaking only from my own history and understanding, I can tell you that we sometimes decide someone is our intended mate, and we cannot bear the thought of their loss. Years ago I was in a similar situation, and the hurt went both ways. He threw the first dagger (not literally) and then I threw a couple of my own figurative daggers. There would be these brief reunions where all would be wonderful, but they never lasted for more than a brief time. All of the same problems resurfaced. I can tell you to this day years later, I still hold those wonderful memories, and can see them as though they happened only moments ago, but the rational part of me recalls all the pain as well. So, all is in its proper perspective.

I have always wanted that perfect, wonderful, sensitive man, and I found him. However, neither he nor anyone else can be those things all of the time. We just hurt each other. It is part of life.

These hurts used to devastate me, but awhile ago, not too long ago, I realized that I needed to love myself, and treat myself the way that I wanted to be treated. I worked out all of my own stuff, and then started taking care of myself by doing small things like taking a few moments to read, which I love no matter how busy the day, taking time to take better care of my physical being and the like through grooming, exercise and diet. I stopped relying solely on receiving love and good things from external sources, and found that I was less looking for my spouse to take care of me, do nice things for me and make me feel good. He does those things, but I do them as well, so I am not reliant on him to make me feel good, I am reliant on myself.

This was along hard battle for me because I always dreamed of the perfect man who would love, adore and intuitively know what I needed. The one who knows best how to make you happy is you! Once you can do that you can see people and situations for what they are both the good and the bad. I wrote to let you know that I know your pain, and you have both my sympathy and very best wishes.

I also want you to have hope and know that once you love yourself and take care of yourself, as if by magic others almost want to take better care of you themselves. The silly tension and arguments disappear, and life feels much better. Then you can find the love that you desire.

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