General Question

dopeguru's avatar

I get incredibly sad and lonely?

Asked by dopeguru (1917points) May 29th, 2015 from iPhone

Im in my mid twenties and now realized the never ending cycle of similar things that constitues a lifetime. Im not satisfied as I feel melancholic, lonely and pretty contemplative most of the time. Tonight I thought of suicide and how rational it sounds. Honestly life is a neverending pain and my happinesses are surfacing my bittersweet emotions. I cant sleep because my thoughts keep me awake every day. I dont understand how people manage to get through life without suicide.

Am I too aware of a human to feel this way? I cry to the weather and I always feel nostalgia and longing. I am happy with small things but eventually i began to be too familiar to the cycle of life that i dont want to continue to drown in it anymore.

I feel alone and i try to do work but im alone at night. It seems like a distraction. I can not bear it.

I cant escape my past and how my relationships went through.

I tried theraphy but it wasnt helpful.

I feel like all this happens because Im too aware and lonely. Loneliness cant be cured, people always have negative intentions and they care for duty and themselves more than anything. Not being lonely is just an illusion.

I feel like im choking and drowning.

My question is am I stupid for feeling and thinking like this and whether you have some amazing solution to it?

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18 Answers

Buttonstc's avatar

The most common reason for therapy not being helpful is a lack of rapport with the therapist or his/her chosen methodology There are many different types of therapists out there and I would strongly urge you to try again.

When I realized I needed to find a therapist, it took awhile. The first guy’s office I was in, it didn’t take much longer than 15 mins. or so for me to realize the incompatibility. So, I thanked him politely, paid my bill and left; and I kept on looking.

Not everyone is a good match for everyone else. That’s just part of being human. During that period of my life I was fortunate enough to find two who were enormously helpful for me. (The first one retired and moved after about two years, thus necessitating a search for the second.). One was male, the other female and their methodology was polar opposite. But they were what I needed at the time.

The other possibility for why some people don’t find therapy helpful is that they’re just not ready to do the work or had unrealistic expectations. It’s not like a therapist has a magic wand to wave and bingo, you’re cured.

But if you’re considering suicide as rational, perhaps you’re desperate enough to make a go of it this time around.

Some therapists even offer an initial shorter get-acquainted type of meeting (sometimes free) to determine if there is the compatibility to continue.

Give it another try and dont give up until ypu find the right person for you (even if it takes consults with numerous potentisl therapists) and write down a list of questions. Therapy is a collaborative process so you have every right to interview them as you would anyone else from whom you’re considering purchasing a service.

If you’re this lonely and miserable, what have you got to lose? There are no magic answers here. Most people who are experiencing what you’re describing realize at some point that they need a trained professional to help them sort things out so that they can live life comfortable in their own skin. It is definitely possible to be alone but NOT lonely (desperate) untill the right person comes along. You need to find your authentic self and live with it. You need to be comfortable with yourself. Finding the right therapist who asks the right questions can be enormously helpful in figuring out how to do that.

flutherother's avatar

These sort of feelings aren’t unusual however if they persist for weeks or months you could be suffering from depression and it might be a good idea to get medical advice. There is a very basic self assessment quiz here

jca's avatar

Go to a psychiatrist. Make an appointment asap.

dopeguru's avatar

It seems like i rely on romance to avoid feeling like this but thats always an attempt, and with the wrong people, and it never fully fixes things.

LostInParadise's avatar

@Buttonstc has some good advice about therapy.

Additionally, you need a way of getting outside yourself. Become part of a group, like a book reading club. Do volunteer work. Do anything that forces you to come into active contact with others. And for at least a little while, set aside the idea of a romantic quick fix to all your problems.

gorillapaws's avatar

@dopeguru You have no business dating men right now. Your head is in the wrong place, and you’re going to keep repeating the same pattern of dating losers and then feeling worse. Focus on yourself, and as @LostInParadise suggests, other people. Volunteering can be immensely therapeutic. Do some work for the Special Olympics, a homeless shelter or Make-a-Wish foundation and you’ll realize how precious life can be and how lucky you are. You won’t feel lonely, and you’ll be putting some good energy back into the universe. That’s a virtuous cycle and will help your self-esteem.

You’ll get to the point where you’re happy and confident and that’s the place where you want to be before dating again. I also agree that you shouldn’t give up on therapy. I went through a rough spot in my life, and I found a really awesome therapist who I really connected with. She was easy to talk to and helped me get to the other side a better and stronger person. Suicide isn’t the right answer. The universe is a better place with you in it. Stay strong and best wishes.

Judi's avatar

The first therapist is rarely the right one.
You are valuable enough to keep looking until you find the right match.
It sounds like you might be suffering from clinical depression and might benefit from a combination of therapy AND medication.
There’s no shame in taking medication for depression. It’s the same as taking medication for diabetes. Your brain is not functioning correctly and you are stuck in a rut. The right combination of medicine and appropriate therapy can help.
Keep in mind that the first medication may not be the right one either. If, after a few weeks you are not feeling better talk to your doctor about trying a different medication.
There IS hope for a better life, a better outlook and better relationships. You just need the right team of doctors and therapists to get you through it.
As a person who lost both her husband and baby brother to suicide, I’m begging you, please don’t use a permanent solution to solve a temporary problem. You have no idea of the reprousions that last for generations.

rojo's avatar

Some good advice here. ^^^

Everyone goes through depressive episodes and has negative thoughts and emotions so you are not alone in this and the teens through the twenties is a prime time for it; lots of changes, lots of challenges, so take heart in knowing that others are going through similar circumstance.

That being said, it should be cyclical, you should have your ups as well as your downs and it sounds like you are stuck in a downward spiral. It is not easy to come out of a stall like this, you feel like you are plummeting toward eternity. Sometimes you cannot do it by yourself. You need someone to assist you, to show you how to pull up, to remind you of the good times of the past and those to come.

Subconsciously you have been looking for this other person to help you, through all your romantic endeavors; believing that if you could just find that perfect match all will be right. While it is good you realize you need help, a lover is not the answer you need, not at this time. They are not trained and have a vested relationship interest that may not match up with your best interest. Please do not give up on therapy because one was unsuccessful. Find someone who can help. Try another, and another after that until you find the right fit. Keep in mind that you are looking for someone to help you not just someone who tells you what you want to hear.

And listen to what they have to say, do not just give it lip service and continue doing things your way. Remember, your way is not working, that is why you are seeking help.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’m a guy and feel like I cannot offer any advice. But I will add a small thing to the excellent info above. If you live in the US you can volunteer at a local Habitat for Humanity project.
HFH builds houses for people that need them. But it does it with a twist. The people who get the houses don’t get them for free. They must work a number of hours (typicaly 500–1000), must maintain them in proper condition and keep up with taxes. The new homeowner learns about responsibility, showing up at the work site on time, as well as home maintenance and repairs. The volunteers learn skills they absolutely will find useful in their own homes: electrical, plumbing, dry wall, framing, etc.

And the people who work there are wonderful. The contractors who donate materials and free labor are knowledgeable and caring; the volunteers are caring and willing to help others, and the “customers” are responsible individuals wanting to break the cycle of poverty and are willing to work for it.
You can work a few hours and come away with a sense of purpose.
What you won’t see: rudeness, make up, drugs, alcohol, high heels, game playing, laziness, arguments,... (in no particular order).
What you will see: teamwork, the fruits of your labor, and a bunch of truly nice people willing to help others while expecting nothing in return.

If aliens ever came down and wanted to study a bunch of people as specimens of humanity I’d offer to point them in the direction of an HFH crew or a Volunteer Ambulance corps. They’d do us proud as a species.

marinelife's avatar

You sound as though you might be clinically depressed and you need medication. Talk and thoughts of suicide are not “normal”.

Life is a wonderful adventure. The beauty and variety of the natural world are a constant amazement.
You need the learn to love yourself and embrace the chance that life has given you.

I would ask your doctor for an anti-depressant and try therapy again with a different therapist.

gondwanalon's avatar

I’m no psychologist. But I can tell that you need help ASAP. Don’t give up. Keep trying! Find a medical professional who can help you.

Pandora's avatar

You wrote that life is never ending pain. But it isn’t. The fact that you have felt happiness from time to time disproves that. It’s true that it can be lonely at times and scary, and even horrific. But the opposite is also true. It can be full of life, laughter, blessing, warmth, kindness, an beautiful surprises. I don’t live every day expecting them each to be full of all these things. But I live for each one of these things. To hug my dog one more day, to share a memory, to create a memory, to observe the good, to feel a warm or cool breeze on my cheek. I won’t every be ready to throw in the towel because in the end. I will always live for the good days. The bad days come, but they do go.

Hope is your friend. Death holds no hope. No bad days, but no good ones either. For each of us there will be an end. So why not hang in till fate steps in. You won’t be forgotten when your number is up.
Struggles aren’t always a bad thing. They are what helps define us and makes us stronger in the end.
Over my life I’ve won some and lost some and at 53, I will say that I won’t even give up the bad parts of my life because they helped get me here and if I took away some of the bad or all of it, than I would’ve missed out and the very good parts that I find gave value to my life.

If you would’ve told me when I was in my mid 20’s what my life would be at 53, I would’ve said no way. How do we change some things. But if I was given a play by play. I would gladly accept the acid reflux, aching bones and very boring life style because, I lived. I tried to fill my life. Even if no one remembers me. I will know all that I’ve done and know how I affected others. Hopefully, always for the better. And hopefully, they will pass the joy of my heart, on to others as it was passed on to me.
Sometimes the little things are the important things.
I wish I could hug you and I had a magic orb to show you how important you are. But I don’t.
I can speak only from my own perspective. I know I am important. I impact others. You probably don’t realize it by you do to. So that means you are important as well.

Adagio's avatar

I couldn’t agree more with @Buttonstc , not every therapist is going to be a perfect fit with you. Don’t give up because your first experience of therapy was unsuccessful, there are therapists out there who you would find incredibly helpful.

Kardamom's avatar

You need some professional help ASAP. Like the others have said, just because the first therapist wasn’t right for you doesn’t mean that you should write off therapy. It appears that you are unable to deal with this situation on your own and you keep making the same mistakes that drive you further into your unfortunate situation. You need to find out why, and a good therapist can help you do that, as well as suggest more positive ways in which you can lead a more product and fulfilling life. They can also help to clarify the actions that are causing you to repeat the actions that are making you unhappy.

Right now, I think you believe that if you just jump into relationships with men, and have casual “no strings attached” sex then everything should be great. Maybe because certain men (or the media or whatever else) have given you the idea that free love (whatever that is) is the only way to have a relationship that is free of drama. Or maybe you believe that you should not allow yourself to feel love, because it makes you seem weak. These ideas couldn’t be further from the truth for a whole host of reasons. When you portray yourself and your interests to be “meaningless” and “un-important,” then you attract people who will treat you like you are meaningless and un-important. It’s almost impossible to attract a person who will treat you with compassion and courtesy if your portray yourself as someone who’s willing to accept this cheap, no-strings-attached kind of relationship. That’s not to say that you won’t get hurt. Relationships are weird, you never know if the person you are attracted to is going to feel the same way about you, but if you put up a false front in the first place (like saying that you don’t have feelings and sex alone is just fine) it’s not really fair to the other person either.

There are some people, and I don’t believe that most people are like this, can easily have lots of random sex with people that they neither know, nor care about, and be content. If that’s not the way you want to live your life, then you need to be up front with people in the first place, otherwise, that’s all you’re ever going to get, and you’ll get to hear those people say to you, “Well, I was honest with you. I told you that I didn’t love you and that I didn’t want a relationship.” Doesn’t make the sting of those words any less painful, but if you can avoid those people in the first place, then you are already doing yourself a huge favor.

It’s so much better to be alone, and to be a decent, productive and happy person, than it is to be with someone who doesn’t value you. That kind of a situation is more like a nightmare.

Here are some ways for you to Find a Good Therapist

Here is some information on the Types of Therapists that are available. You may need to try several different therapists, or therapy styles, before you find one that is right for you. The alternative is that you just keep feeling terrible and repeating the same old patterns that keep you from being content and productive.

Here are some Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist to determine if that person is a good match for you. If you don’t feel comfortable with any particular person, then you need to find someone else, don’t feel obligated to stick it out with a particular therapist just because you saw them once or twice. It should be apparent to you fairly quickly if you feel comfortable with the person. The therapist will not be insulted if you choose not to continue with them and want/need to find another therapist who is a better fit.

When you do find a therapist that you feel comfortable working with, make sure you tell them the truth. It’s un-helpful and un-productive if you lie to them, or even omit some of the necessary details. It would be like trying to bake a cake without the necessary ingredients. Don’t be embarrassed to tell your therapist everything, including all of the seemingly embarrasssing details. Believe me, they’ve heard it all and they’re not there to judge you, they’re just there to help you see your patterns and to give you assistance on how to change those patterns.

Good luck to you : )

LuckyGuy's avatar

@dopeguru Listen to @Kardamom. She speaks truth!

(And look for a Habitat for Humanity group.)

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

There is a very good reason you feel this way, because as you say, there is an emptiness. No matter who it is, the better treatment, and cure if one truly takes it, lays in the same path. I will tell you privately as to not give detractors an opportunity to derail the thread.

Cubby's avatar

2 Cor 4:8. Life is full of problems. I have found reliance on the Bible to be helpful.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

^ You quoted the Bible here, and say it is a source of comfort? Pretty brave for this place, but I had to lurve that

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