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avengerman14s's avatar

I think my wife is cheating?

Asked by avengerman14s (61points) July 27th, 2015

My sex life has been down the tubes for a year and my wife is always on her Iphone. When I hint around or ask she says because I hurt, but looking at all the on line subjects it seems to fit. I know she has lied to me before and will lie even about little things. How should I pursue this? I’ve checked the on line places like spokeo with no luck, and have tried using wireshark to catch network traffic. I’m about to call it quits so I’m asking for help. I’m sure she even uses this site,

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22 Answers

Judi's avatar

Maybe she’s depressed? If she says sex hurts then she needs to see a doctor. Has she seen one?
A lot of people zone out on their iPhones without cheating.

avengerman14s's avatar

Been to the Doctor, she does have other issues with self esteem… She joined the local Gym to get in shape. Things were great before October but now it seems more like a “Mercy” than anything else. There are alot of other things too, to many to list here, but when you try to hide what your doing online and even switching apps when I get close makes me wonder. She cheated on me before we got married, but I was no angle then either. We now fight over the dumbest things daily, She gets strange 800 calls daily and I know she will talk to a complete stranger over important things that what I have to say. Basically shes acting like a teenager.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

No offense, but you’re kind of acting like a teenager, too. You’re snooping around, spying on her with actual spyware, and not communicating with her. What you should do is talk to her calmly and state your feelings and concerns.

If she cheated before you were married and by your own admission you weren’t an angel around that time either, it’s not fair for you to continually hold that over her head. Are you even sure she lies to you about little things, or is there a chance you’re being paranoid?

No matter what, you should be talking to her about things yourself. Couple’s therapy might not be a bad idea. Also, if she is on Fluther as an established user, I definitely don’t recommend outing her. That wouldn’t be cool at all.

avengerman14s's avatar

I have tried speaking about it and it’s instant fight. I’m desperate and desperate people do dumb things. I’ve asked her to go to speak with Father (Catholic) together, see a shrink, you name it I’ve tried. I stopped my stupidity and now am 110% committed to this marriage, I don’t even care if she did, we can get help and move on. About little things yes, example did you go to Wendy’s for lunch? No. but I’m looking at the debt card transaction. And yes I check bank offten cause money is real tight. When you love someone bad, then you pickup little changes and I may be paranoid but what else is my option (I’ve tried your suggestions) file for divorce?

DrasticDreamer's avatar

And you’re sure you’re trying to go into the conversation calmly? If she senses any hostility, there’s a good chance she’ll just shut down immediately as a defense mechanism. The important thing to focus on in trying to talk to her is that you want to work on your relationship issues, instead of going into it pointing fingers and placing blame. One possible reason she might lie about small things is because she could think you’re going to get angry if she tells the truth, so she might not feel emotionally safe being truthful. I’m not saying that’s how things are, because there are other possibilities, as well.

If you have tried genuine communication (no hostility) and also seriously suggested therapy (also calmly and with no hostility) in a way that left you open and vulnerable so she could see how much you wanted to fix things, then yes, you might want to consider divorce at some point. If you’re the only one who truly wants to work on the relationship, there isn’t really much more that you can do.

avengerman14s's avatar

Thanks, I’ve become an emotional wreck over this and the tears are real. It just crushes me cause I don’t think I can do anything but ride the train into wall. I lock myself to whom I’m intimate with and it hurts bad when you know deep in your guts it’s wrong.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

If she won’t talk to you about this, and you’re suffering so much, perhaps see a marriage guidance counsellor on your own. This will give you an outlet for your stress, a sounding board to help you identify if you’re overreacting but they can also help you cope with the breakdown of a relationship. Ask your wife to go with you. If she won’t, go on your own. I hope things work out in a way that helps resolves your pain.

avengerman14s's avatar

Thank you all for the help.

jca's avatar

Nothing here sounds like it definitely points to cheating. Websites, apps, closing things on the phone when you approach – could be cheating, could be just lying or something else. How do you know she doesn’t have another issue like gambling? Just because she cheated on you before you were married is the only reason you are thinking she is cheating now?

marinelife's avatar

Consider going to a marriage counselor together.

It sounds like a painful situation. Or, if she won’t, you could go to a counselor on your own.

It sounds like the two of you are not communicating well.

Why would you want to be with someone who lies to you all the time?

Inara27's avatar

It’s always hard to tell what is the true issue, but there is something causing mistrust between you and your wife. You might see a relationship therapist on your own, if for nothing else, on how to approach your spouse about the issue and the best ways to deal with it.

cazzie's avatar

My ex husband’s shrink told me to use clear ultimatums. “If you dont go to a marriage counsellor with me, you will find you bags packed and the locks changed”. That sort of thing.

avengerman14s's avatar

Been there, done that with an Ex it didn’t work… Just realized that a small amount of money has been transferred each month out of bank account, about enough to use on-line for services……………...

LostInParadise's avatar

You are dissatisfied with your wife’s behavior regardless of whether or not she is cheating. The two of you definitely need to discuss your relationship. It has to be done without anger. You could say that you don’t feel your relationship is what it once was and that you were wondering if she feels the same way and if there is something that can be done. If your wife is not willing to have such a conversation then there is no hope. Communication is the essence of any relationship.

Darth_Algar's avatar


You say she lies to you all the time, and you snoop/spy on her. So you clearly don’t trust her. You mentioned that she cheated on you before you were married. That you still bring that up makes me wonder if you’ve ever trusted her throughout your relationship. My question is: even if you and her go through marriage counseling, etc, will that change anything. Would you still have a lack of trust in her?

If the answer to that question is “yes” then there’s no point in trying to salvage the marriage. The most important thing in a marriage is trust. And if one doesn’t trust the other (or if neither trusts the other) then the marriage is not on solid grounding. And if there hasn’t been trust from the start then that’s definitely poisoned the marriage.

None of this is mean as an accusation of fault on your part or hers. It’s just something that, I think, you should seriously consider.

janbb's avatar

It sounds like she has emotionally checked out; whether she is cheating or not is almost irrelevant. If you can handle either answer, maybe you need to ask her whether she wants to stay in the marriage. I would not make it an ultimatum though, just a starting point for talking. And get some therapy yourself. How are you contributing to this bad situation?

And sex can really hurt if the woman is not ready or willing.

avengerman14s's avatar

I snoop because of the situation and all the white lies and mood changes. I just want to know, I trusted up till now, hard but I did. I’m willing to trying anything at this point. If it is for the worse then likely part was as best as possible. If you’ve been through this then you can see my position.

I didn’t clarify before but it is I with a back injury that hurt. That has been a drain on our marriage for a while, but moods just don’t change over night. I seem to continue to fall for the same type of woman even if I try not too.

I’m in the process of making an appointment to see a shrink myself and if she wants to go then maybe well progress.

Thank everyone for their input.

Pandora's avatar

You may be reading more into this than there is, but then you may be right. The problem with injuries or illnesses is that the healthy party person still wants to feel desired. Often the injured party learns to deal with the injury and lack of sex by being cool to the other person. Thinking it is best not to be a tease, but they may take it to far. To the point of ignoring the other person or even getting moody and taking it out on the other person. So they get pushed away and sometimes into someone else’s arms or they simply get a new best friend that is understanding of their frustrations. Maybe she is afraid to talk about it because she doesn’t want to hear you say that you don’t love her any more. Or she may have given up on the marriage altogether. You need to tell her how you really feel about her and tell her if she is finding it to difficult to be with you that you will let her go. Not because you want to but because you can’t carry a marriage alone. She needs to do all she can to make it work as well, and you won’t believe she’s committed to making it work unless she is willing to seek professional help..

LostInParadise's avatar

Telling us about your injury puts things in a whole new light. Is the injury permanent? It makes it all the more urgent that the two of you talk this through. You must each be sympathetic to the position of the other.

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