Which is worse: betrayal or guilt?

I found out that my relationship was full of lies. My partner when we were more casual, blamed me when he had a sexual affair, because I had told him I met up with my ex boyfriend that day. He would tell me the only time he slept with someone was right after that, because I made him feel unworthy and angry, so to payback he slept with someone else. I find out recently from a friend that the event occured a week prior to me meeting up with my ex.

This is just an example, but I found out other lies, such as the time he slept with one of his friends, how many times they did it, etc. He created false realities and made all his affairs seem like a reaction to something I said or done. And claimed all affairs made him feel horrible and he didnt even finish. Today I find out it not the case at all.

I ended it with him though we both had truly fallen for one another in the past month, and finally admitted to how much we love. I gave him many chances to be honest about the past, but he would repeat the same lies, until I had to find out from other people the truths. I begged for honesty by the end and still didnt receive it. When I found out the realities and confronted him, he confirmed to them, saying he is finally being honest and that everything is on the table. Oh, please – i just found it out myself.

My point is I dont know which is worse. The reality of the past as I discovered recently, is haunting me. I keep replaying in my head the times he slept with others and the true reasons for them: which were simply pleasure and excitement.

It also hurts that theyd occur the night after we would spend the night together.

But having to live the newly discovered reality, and lies hurt more.

So which one is worse? Being betrayed, or being the one to betray. Guilt or betrayal?