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dopeguru's avatar

Why do I seek boys' approval and attention?

Asked by dopeguru (1917points) August 16th, 2015

Sometimes boys Im involved with call me abnormal and erratic, and say they can’t keep up with me, then they start ignoring me.
This is because I am unpredictable and I also am brutally honest. I like to debate and argue, and talk about whats better to do and whats not, etc. I don’t go with the society and what they think is ‘normal’. I stand behind my own values and I vocalize them. I think many people use sex and relationships as a form of escapism, and I’m not allowing them to escape reality. I do the opposite.

This has cost me many boys because they deem me ‘crazy’ for being this way. The funny part is that they bring out this erratic side with me. Many guys don’t, if they are not too passive or quiet, I become more reserved.

I guess my question is, how should I feel about it to lose someone because of being the way I am? It hurts to be rejected and called crazy and erratic, and being ignored. Should I just be normal and should I try to change what they think of me back to normal and stable?

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10 Answers

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It is understandable how you feel. Other females (assuming you are one) have felt the same way. What they have found is that they don’t have to change their opinions or morals in order to be accepted. What they do have to craft is how their message is delivered in order to be heard.

Here are some tips:
* Know your audience. If you don’t know their stance, what is said can turn them off immediately.
* Train yourself to think before you speak. Putting your views into concise language and delivering it in a non-offensive manner will allow people to consider it without shutting down immediately.
* Join a group like Toastmasters or take a training course on public speaking. If you are still in school and it has a debate club, join it. Any of these can provide an opportunity to hone your skill at delivering your opinions successfully.

The reason you seek boys’ approval and attention is a whole other discussion.

kritiper's avatar

Being brutally honest has it’s drawbacks. I should know! Maybe you didn’t get enough attention and approval from your father and that is why you seek it from boys. And you do like boys. Hang in there! Someone like myself will come along some day, and will appreciate you just the way you are!

Dutchess_III's avatar

I hate the term “brutally honest.” That is almost never a positive thing.

I’m a little confused. You asked why you are always seeking boys’ approval and attention, then go on to list character traits that will earn you neither approval, and only a modicum of shot-lived attention as soon as they realized sex isn’t an option.

So do you really want their attention and approval or not? (I hope you say you don’t….)

elbanditoroso's avatar

The problem with a 50+ year old woman answering these questions (see above) is that they have the benefit (?) of maturity.

Sure, @Dutchess_III gave you her opinion based on her life and experiences. That’s all fine and good; she (and a lot of the rest of us here) are no longer in our teens and twenties, and have something to share.

BUT – you shouldn’t listen to us, @dopeguru.

You need to make your own mistakes, learn your own limits, seek your own understandings. Making decisions on my advice, or @kritiper ‘s or anyone else’s is a copout. It’s reliving their decisions, not figuring things out for yourself.

So, although I have advice for you that directly addresses your question, I’m not going to give it. You need to navigate these waters yourself – only you know your personality.

chyna's avatar

You are saying that you are considered “crazy, erratic, argumentative, and abnormal.”
Have you ever gone to a therapist and been diagnosed with any kind of behavior disorders?
People in general do not want to be around someone they deem to be crazy or erratic.

janbb's avatar

All of your questions seem to be about attracting and keeping boys. Do you have women friends? How do you relate to them? How do you relate to yourself? It has been suggested to you here many times that you take a break from seeking relationships but you continue to focus on it. Until you learn to affirm yourself in other ways, you will be stewing around in the same old juices. A therapist may not be a bad idea.

Until you are grounded in yourself, you will not have a healthy relationship with anyone.

cazzie's avatar

Politeness has been stifling our gender for centuries. But having said that, you can’t always be on the offensive. Listening to someone’s manifesto is tiring. If you feel you need to dial it back some you should but you can probably do it without compromising your ideals. Simple wording change like in stead of saying, ” you shouldn’t ever ” or “people have no right to” start by saying “I believe” or “I think” or “ever since this happened, I learned that….” Does that make sense?

LostInParadise's avatar

Just out of curiosity, what types of things do you debate about? Do you talk about the relevance of historical events or the value of string theory, or, as I am inclined to believe, do you go around evaluating all the guys you come in contact with? Most people don’t much care for unsolicited personal assessments.

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