Why does he avoid talking to me after I said no to a date?

Nothing happening. You might be reading to much into things. Maybe you should buy him a Payday bar for him?

Does he seem a bit shy and not all that confident around women? How old is he?

Welcome to Fluther!

Anyone who experiences rejection is bound to be hurt to some degree. It sounds as if you handled his offer for a meeting outside of work honestly and gently. It may take time for him to work through it.

It might be best to stop speculating about his actions and to continue to treat him as you would with any other team member.

I personally think it is rude to give anyone food uninvited. An average size Payday bar is 240 calories, almost half of it, 110 calories is from fat. OK, I get the joke, a Payday bar on Payday. But the second time? third time? fourth time? No thanks. Do you know how much exercise it takes to burn 240 calories? A lot.

You stated your position clearly and he accepted it.
He is moving on. Do him a big favor and let him.

You reminded him that fraternization is a bad idea.
He remembered that, and came to his senses.
Good for both of you.

It seems to me he is attracted to you but incredibly shy and clumsy and inexperienced in his dealings with women. The chocolate bars were undoubtedly his way of trying to reach out to you. So yes, your shutting down his advances probably hurt him and he is now protecting his feelings and respecting yours. You did the right thing and while he may be hurt, you made your feelings clear and didn’t lead him on.

Sounds like he thought Payday bars were an investment that would earn him the return of your affection. Not very respectful, is it? Personally, I wouldn’t try to pursue a friendship with him; it sounds like he is a bit inept at communication.

By all means, pursue a friendship if you wish to do so, but since you know he doesn’t communicate well, be very, very clear about your intentions. Leave no room for misinterpretation. And don’t expect any more candy, since he’s learned it won’t buy him what he wants.

You probably did hurt him but you did nothing wrong and I’m sure it was not a mortal wound. “Men have died and worms have eaten them but not for love.” He’ll be fine.

@janbb Well that’s kind of harsh. I don’t want worms chawing on me.

@Adirondackwannabe Take it up with Shakespeare but figure out the meaning first.

Did he LIKE me for potential girlfriend material or was I going to be just casual fun for him?

@JennY1, we have no way of knowing that. Do you really want to find out? It would risk having a conversation with him about his intentions and that could open up a minefield of difficulty.

If he really LIKED me, that is why he seems quite and hurt? If I was just going to be his one night fling he would act like he did not care right?

There’s no way for us to know this. We can’t read his mind. He sounds inept when it comes to communication. He might have been hurt that he’s not going to get his way, as has been suggested. He might be hurt because he wanted a relationship. Either way, you’re not interested, so leave him alone. All trying to discover his motivations will do is either give him fresh hope you are interested in him either as a fling or a partner. Unless you are, let it go.

@JennY1 You aren’t responsible for his feelings. You turned him down. He was making romantic advances and you weren’t interested. You owe him nothing but the common courtesy you would show any other co-worker. If he gets all weird about it, that’s on him and you aren’t responsible. Just be nice and move on. If he does get weird about it and changes his attitude toward you in a negative way and it becomes troublesome, then I’d suggest going to HR and explaining things, but as long as you are both civil and any initial weirdness blows over, it bygones. Move on.

If you think you like him and you want to risk a relationship with a coworker (which, as most people will agree, can get messy and awkward if not successful but can also work out, as my mom and my stepfather can tell you after 30 years of marriage which started out as coworkers), then strike up a conversation with him and see if he is open to chatting. I suggest you don’t start by asking him what he used to feel, but start by being just friendly.

If you don’t think you like him and are just curious about what he used to feel for you when he brought you the pay day treats, then don’t bother. It’s not worth opening up that can of worms for something that you are not interested in.

This sounds as if everything went mosly as it should: he asked her out, she said no, and he didn’t pester or harass her. Of course his feelings were hurt, and of course it is not her fault.

Unless something else occurred that wasn’t in the OP, I don’t see him asking you out as “coming at you”, and it doesn’t seem like he will ask again. I agree with others that you should not ask him about his feelings unless you are interested in a relationship.

A guy brings candy for you, and you take it.
Over a long period of time.
Then you think he’s got sleaze on his mind?
With nefarious plans to treat you badly while you are at a place where you work together.
How did you act when he handed his gift to you?
Does everyone bring you things all the time now? NBD?
You never once thought of questioning yourself as to why he did this for you?
Perhaps turning the gift down-thus not hurting his feelings or letting things go on to the inevitable next step, y’think?
You were then ‘too tired’ to even talk to the guy?
Seriously?
You’re even surprised that his feelings got hurt!
Leave that poor man alone, little girl.
You don’t deserve his kindness nor consideration.

If I weren’t interested in the guy, I would have politely refused after several candy bars. It’s not necessary to hurt a kind person’s feelings; I’d have said, in a quiet, friendly voice, “Thank you so much, but I’ve gained a bit of weight this summer (autumn/winter/springtime). I’m not eating candy these days.” Or, if you know that a female colleague finds the guy attractive, why not say, “I’ve had too much candy lately, but ______ loves Payday bars.”

@JennY1: Do you think you liked him and are having second thoughts, or did you definitely not like him?

I don’t really know him that well. Also, no one has ever bought me anything before they ask me out? Also, it is work and we really are busy, he is busy and I am busy. I don’t know his intentions(granted, I could have found out by accepting his invitation). If he just wants a one night stand, I am not into that. If he really wanted to pursue me and get to know me, maybe I should have given him a chance. He really caught me off guard.

Do you know anyone else at work well enough to ask about him? Are there any women there you trust? Try to find out more about him (if you’re interested in him). Then, if it turns out he’s a nice guy who is just terribly shy and inept at communicating with women, you can consider if you want to let him know you’re interested. However, a word of caution. Getting involved with people at work is always risky. If things don’t work out, and that’s a strong possibility, you still have to work with that man. So think carefully before you open Pandora’s Box.

@JennY1 the questions you bring up are usually the kinds of things you talk about when you are out on that first date. You said you didn’t want to date a co worker. Fair enough, but are you now having regrets you turned him down? Your first clue he liked you should have been the candy bars, unless he was doing that for several of the staff and not just you, but he singled you out. 6 months is a lot of spade work to do if he only wanted a fling. He sounds shy and awkward. Just remember, if you start dating and things go wrong, you still need to work together.

Years and years ago, I worked with a guy, he was from another office so we got to know each other over the phone. I was married, so romance was off the table, but this guy and I got along really well as we talked over the phone. He sent me a parcel through the internal postal system, just a few thoughtful things, nothing expensive, and just as a friend. (I was a foreigner missing my family and he was a kind person.) We became friends. It’s nice to have friends. I sent him something back when it was his birthday.

You can still get to know him if you like. It doesn’t always have to be about romance and sex right away. But don’t lead him on. Make sure that if you do go to lunch, you pay for your own meal and make sure he is aware that you aren’t looking for a romantic entanglement at work, but you’d like to be friends.