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janbb's avatar

Do you ever share your accomplishments with an ex-spouse?

Asked by janbb (57157points) October 10th, 2015

I painted something I was really happy with today and have posted it on FB and sent it to my kids. On an impulse, I also texted a photo of it to my Ex. He called in response and we had a few minutes chat on the phone. (I was out walking at the time.) I feel so ambivalent about contact with him. Even though it wasn’t a bitter divorce, it caused me a lot of pain and I can’t always decide how I want to relate to him.

Not really looking for advice – I’ll cope; just some sharing.

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13 Answers

chyna's avatar

I have often thought about it over the years, but his wife was extremely jealous of me so I could never do such a thing. There was no reason to be jealous, I divorced him and never tried to contact him after the divorce.

cazzie's avatar

I have two ex husbands. The first one in New Zealand is one I can have ambivalent contact with. Last year, I learned that he had some form of throat and tongue cancer. I was sincerely concerned, so I made contact and passed on my best wishes. He has a new woman in his life (who couldn’t be more opposite to me… so she’ll probably work out) and I wish him all the best.

What throws me about contact with him is that he can’t be honest with himself about what happened between us. I have a signed, hand written letter from him apologising for things that went wrong, but when I talk to him, he has no reference to the date or incidences that occurred that led up to the split. He has justified what ever he did and wiped his slate clean and considers himself as pure as the driven snow.

The poet in me wonders if the threat to his ability to speak had something to do with the lies he told me, everyone around him, and himself.

elbanditoroso's avatar

How long have you been divorced, @janbb ?

In my case we split when the kids were small, and the kids are now in their 30s. So I’m over any sort of issues and so is she. I ask about her family, she asks about mine, no big deal.

But it took a decade to get to that point.

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t have an ex-spouse, but I can completely understand wanting to share things with them. My spouse knows me so well. The things that make me happy, my interests, what I’ve worked hard at, and my first impulse for the last 20+ years is to tell him things that have happened during my day. I don’t think that routine of sharing accomplishments goes away so fast, even when you have other negative feelings about the person. They know you in a way that few people do.

janbb's avatar

@elbanditoroso Separated almost 4 years; divorced about 20 months after 37 years of marriage.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I don’t, because we have nothing to do with each other. Our divorce was pretty horrible. However, I think if you can, why not? You (and I mean that in a general rather than specific sense) live with a person for years, things don’t work out, we change and move on, but they’re still people we care about. So why can’t or shouldn’t we share the good things that happen in our lives? Good for you sharing with him, and good for him for picking up the phone for a chat.

janbb's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit I think I feel I let him off the hook when I share with him; that I somehow give something up. I’m not furious but I’m still hurt.

JLeslie's avatar

@janbb That makes sense to me. It’s the reason a lot of people don’t forgive, or stay angry, it feels like letting the person off the hook.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

As I said, I don’t have a relationship at all with my ex now so this isn’t something I have to consider. That’s not because of our relationship ending. That’s because of his behaviour after it ended. However, I don’t blame him for our relationship ending. His behaviour hastened the end, but I know the end was coming anyway. So I don’t feel angry or hurt with him anymore about that. I’m glad it’s over, and I’ve moved on. Consequently, I don’t feel the need to keep him on the hook. I hope your hurt will pass and you’ll reach that point sooner rather than later.

janbb's avatar

@Earthbound_Misfit Sometimes it’s gone and sometimes it’s not. It’s ok enough.

janbb's avatar

Just realizing how long we were together and how relatively short a time apart so I guess the push-pull is not unnatural even though I’ve grown so much since.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

@janbb, I think I may have mentioned this here somewhere but just recently I was listening to an album that my ex and I listened to often. It was one of those albums that was part of the soundtrack to our relationship. It has been more than 17 years since we were together, but suddenly I was sobbing. The music must have touched a buried, and still raw, nerve. I wasn’t crying because I want my ex back. I don’t. I’m very happy where I am. I was crying for the loss of the hope. I’m trying to find the words to explain because it was more than just the ‘hope’. It took me back to a time when the future we envisaged was full of promise, faith, trust and love. I can’t explain it well enough, but I hope you can understand what I mean.

It’s still very soon since your marriage ended. The nerve endings from your marriage are still quite raw.

janbb's avatar

Yes. I see that.

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