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LostAndConfused's avatar

Confused on career change and an Ex back in my life?

Asked by LostAndConfused (2points) November 10th, 2015

My question involves my confusion on if I should swap careers, mixed with an ex back in my life that likely shouldn’t be but can’t let go.

I worked on an ambulance for years, it was fun but not my degree, I met an ER nurse who flies with helicopters/planes for some emergency calls, our chemistry was explosive and got serious fast. I got a new job in my degree, moved away and we stayed in touch, talking/seeing each other.

My job is decent, but it’s kind of boring. I miss the ambulance/emergencies even though I thought I was burning out. The major problem comes in that my ex would ALWAYS talk about huge rescues she was on (her job) and it was make me really, really question my job and wish in a way I was back in it.

My rationalization was like this ‘On ambulance we dealt with 5% cool calls, most were really stupid/useless, her in flights is ONLY the good ones’ thus I began this insane envy of her job, which she happily played up. (I think she was narcissistic honestly).

Further…it came to be revealed that she was apparently married but only together for the kids, I didn’t know until very near when I ended it with her. I was torn apart because on one hand I idolized her so completely yet on other she essentially deceived me. I do believe her but not sure this is something to just be swept over, yet I liked her so much.

I cut her out for months, and started moving on, but still had that desire to get back into rescue and the lure of the air ambulance was/is very strong. I would have to go to school and get my nursing degree (guy with nursing…?)

I saw her at a medical conference I was at to maintain my certs…it was a weird day, I remembered I like medicine and also that I liked her. I resisted her then, but we went back to talking on the phone.

I am really confused about if I should even let her in my life again, I think she does ‘love’ me, but she is legally still married. Beyond that her job is something I literally cannot get past as it was tied so strongly to me on the ambulance and seems SO cool doing air ambulance. There’s some serious inferiority complex going on I totally admit but not sure what to do.

So…essentially I have an ex that’s bad for me but I still love and she is in a job I’ve long wanted to do but not sure I should switch – and its impossible to seperate the job from her and my desires. 
Thanks for any help.

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13 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Thank you for sharing this.

I’m 52 years old, and I have learned many things in life. The most important point I’ve learned is that I have to have to be alright myself before I can fully open up to anyone else. When I’m not quite right, I can never be fully engaged with anyone else. At those times of being not quite right, I am only capable of looking for the thing that is going to make me alright.

You mentioned that you’re envious of her job and you miss your time working in an ambulance. Both of those mean you’re not quite right. I suggest you take some time to make yourself right. Try therapy. It worked wonders for me.

Also, she’s married, and she told you she’s only married for the children. She lied by omission for not telling you about her marriage for a long time. She may be lying now about why she’s still married. If she is only in her marriage for the children, then she has problems of her own that are too big for you to solve. I strongly urge you to forget her.

Haleth's avatar

I remember a previous question where you described her as emotionally abusive. She would always belittle your job and your accomplishments, even though you were doing amazing things.

And she’s also fucking MARRIED?

It is well past time to get rid of her. This woman is a vampire who will sap your energy, confidence, and will to live as long as you keep her around. If you envy her job, be the change you want to see and work to better yourself.

msh's avatar

A few questions for you.
Do you believe that this person will be there for you when you need her to be?
Do you think this person is telling the truth about…well, anything?
Sure the sex is great, but are you both there for the explosion or each other?
Bored where you are- no rush.
Living on the edge. Thrills?
@Hawaii_Jake is 100% correct.
Please read his answer again.

Inspired_2write's avatar

I could very well be wrong on this ..but….. I think from what I have read so far is that
1. You want and desire that women.
2. You envy her job.
Perhaps since you feel that you could not have that position for yourself that you were maybe content to live varcariously through “her” experiences?

Can you imagine a person that treats you with dignity,respect and in a loving way?
Everytime that “you allow’ and be with the wrong person you are in effect “blocking” your own happiness for the right relationship,job etc to appear.

I think that deep down one knows when one is getting the short stick in life.
( and with your permission).

Take responsiblity for “Your” choices and results of those choices.
Make better choices and decisions that you will not regret in your future.

LostAndConfused's avatar

msh –
1: I think that she would probably be there, maybe, depending on the circumstances.
2. I think she tells me the truth about some things, thats why its hard, she clearly lied by ommission. Yet I still ‘like’ her its probably toxic.

Inspired_2write's avatar

So it is a matter of ‘trust”.
She has to rebuild that by becomming more honest in all communications with you in order that you may once again feel “trust”.

LostAndConfused's avatar

How big is the marriage thing esp that she claims its loveless/sexless and its only for money? She seems to legitmately like me, thats why its so hard to just cut her loose, but I realize its only partial love.

Inspired_2write's avatar

“and its ONLY for money”!
She is demonstrating that she has no ethics.
If she is unhappy then release the other party to find someone more comitted, honest,respectful than she is in that marriage.
You already see the writing on the wall… yet you stay?
You must be desparate and devalue yourself to place yourself in this unrewarding realtionship?
Get theraphy to find out “why’ you allow this?

msh's avatar

All in all, I ‘get’ the attraction factor.
I understand explosive fireworks in certain activities.
(Jeeze that was polite way to word it, wasn’t it?)
Even just comparing jobs, etc. Who is doing more and getting a bigger and better job done? Or thrill?
How do you know what she does at work isn’t inflated a bit, also?
Is that what you want?
No, Trust is only One facet of the whole kit and caboodle.
This is the same person who made you doubt all of your achievements, which were many, when you spoke of her here before. Yes?
Ok, here is a suggestion. Use it, or not.
Save yourself grief later. Seriously.

See her. Do explosive whatever.
BUT, please listen to what all seem to be telling you.
Go talk to a councilor. Ok?
Work on figuring out what’s the draw here. Talk about what you will do if you just can’t break free, and wake up X years from now, damning yourself for spending time on just what this is for you.
At the very least, you can figure out what the argument going on within yourself is all about.
You’re giving yourself a hard way to go about things.
That’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

^^well put.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Don’t do it. Seriously. You have stuff you need to work on (like building your confidence) and she has, well… a fuckton of stuff to work on. She lied to you and that’s all you need to know. For all you know, she lied about why she lied. There are a lot of spouses/partners in the world who cheat and will never completely come clean about anything, to the person they’re cheating on and the person they’re cheating with. Also, I’m pretty sure that cheaters usually don’t end up leaving the person they’re cheating on. Sounds like she’s stringing you along, because she wants to be able to do whatever she wants to, whenever she wants. As a matter of fact, if she really cared about her children, she’d grow up and realize that her behavior has the chance to really do them harm. You have no idea if her marriage is sexless, if they don’t get along, or anything and everything in between. Liars lie, it’s what they’re good at.

On top of that, in your last question, you said she was really mean and took joy in putting you and your job down. If everything you’re saying is true, she’s just not a great person.

If nothing else, think of her kids. Seriously.

Work on you. Do the things you want to do because they make you happy. Don’t let people into your life who take advantage of you, lie or manipulate, because they will never change for you. They’ll make your life hell while they create excuses for every screwed up and uncaring thing they do. Life is short and people like that are a waste of time.

LostAndConfused's avatar

Thanks guys, tough to hear but I suspose I need to.
What about the job thing? Id considered this feild way before she got in the picture.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I say go for the job – if you A) aren’t going to be around her or B) you won’t fall back into an unhealthy and unstable relationship with her. If you think you’d be around her during work, don’t do it unless you think you can treat her as nothing more than an acquaintance at work.

Oh, also: “guy with nursing?” Just don’t say that. Who cares if you’re a male who wants to be a nurse? Gender stereotypes are harmful and stupid. Once again: Do what makes you happy. Whether that’s getting a nursing degree or anything in between.

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