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ConfusedFrank's avatar

I can't let go of the girl who I found out was having an affair with me...dont know what to do?

Asked by ConfusedFrank (90points) November 23rd, 2015

Hey Fluther…Ive had a really hard last couple months, I’ve gone through a lot of changes in my life, new job, new state etc but I was also involved in this girl which I had asked about previously. Long story short, I found out that who I thought was single was in fact married and living with the husband. When I found out, I felt torn apart…I liked her so much and somehow she never felt the need to tell me?

I broke it off with her a while ago, but we crossed paths and it was pretty intense. She was crying so hard about how sorry she was, how she never meant to hurt me, that the marriage is over but only together for the kids. It was so hard, she was saying how she tries to be independent and how embarrassing her situation is and she loved me but here I was judging her. She never meant to get close to people and now she knows why. These words hurt because it felt real hearing from her.

I dont know what to do. I really liked her, the connection is insane, it feels so natural being with her. Yet the fact she is married and didnt tell me until very late hurts, what else was she lying about? She says over and over how this is nothing there beyond economics but…idk. So lost, I feel this deep connection with her, yet her she is essentially unavailable, and I cant take the idea of hurting her bad when I like her. Not sure what to do. Is this intensity ‘real’ or part of the secretive nature (I didnt know until very late, yet still felt extreme)?

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26 Answers

stanleybmanly's avatar

Run like hell! Abandon your feelings, and any thought of “confronting this together”. Back away as though your life depends on it.

jca's avatar

She is unavailable, as you said. When she is available, you can pick up the relationship again, if you choose to. In the meantime, she has stuff to sort out that could take years, and you have a life to live.

chyna's avatar

I do understand that you are infatuated with her and have been hurt by her.
But she is married and unavailable to you. She has lied to you and her husband. Every minute spent with you is cheating her kids out of time she could be spending with them.
She will always have a reason why she can’t get divorced. I’m sure you don’t want to waste years of your life waiting on this woman to parcel out moments of her time to you. Let this go and find a woman that is wholly available and one who doesn’t lie and cheat. You will have a better life if its not filled with lies, sneaking and cheating.

jca's avatar

What you have with her is not a relationship. It’s “scraps of a relationship.” She’s throwing you the scraps and you’re taking them.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Frank, Is this the same woman who scales buildings, jumps out of helicopters and cures cancer before breakfast?
Now she drops this bombshell on you?! What’s next? Is she’s really a tranny with a life sized Pinocchio face tattooed on her crotch?
She has already made you feel miserable. Why torture yourself further?
Break it off while you still have the upper hand and your self respect. It will be tough but well worth it down the road.
Find a nice quiet woman who will love you. .

elbanditoroso's avatar

She is screwed up. She’s not going to leave him. She is a know liar.

Get away fast.

Haleth's avatar

Feeling this way over someone is like having the flu. It actually has nothing to do with her. What you’re feeling is a limerence, an obsessive crush. It comes from a perceived need or emptiness in yourself that you believe she can somehow fill.

No other person can fill that hole. You need to build up your own independence and sense of security in life. You can do that by strengthening your relationships with people who are not her: friends, family, colleagues, getting involved with the local community, etc. Work on developing your own sense of fulfillment. In your posts about this woman you’ve compared all the seemingly awesome stuff she does with your own sense of inadequacy. And you do some really amazing things!

Every time you think about contacting this woman, you should do something that’s good for you instead. Call or text a friend to ask them how their day is going; get involved with an interesting debate on fluther, whatever you want, as long as you start replacing a bad habit with a good one. Hobbies and activities help with this too- and you have some really cool ones. Do things that make you happy and fulfilled.

You might also want to seek therapy to look for the underlying causes of the way you feel about this woman. She keeps treating you like crap and you keep throwing yourself at her. You need to figure out why so that doesn’t happen with the next woman.

Cut off contact, spend some time being single, work on becoming your best self, and try again with someone new in a few years.

You also might want to look for a codependency support group.

Coloma's avatar

I’m with @LuckyGuy

Anyone that is capable of such deceit is not someone you want to wait around for or waste precious moments pining over. Someone capable of major deception is likely to have some sociopathic traits as well. Meaning they can be very charming, manipulative and are compulsive liars, able to reel in their prey but, ultimately only concerned with themselves.
This woman used you for her own selfish needs and her crying and feigning remorse is just part of her act.

Part of sociopathic behavior is these types always play the victim regardless of how guilty they are. Do not fall for her act, it’s a set up.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Hey Frank. Answer this objectively…... What would it take for you to dump a potential GF? What are the non-negotiables – any one of which can cancel the deal?

I’ll toss out a list as an example to get you started. You make your own.
She’s a smoker.
She’s married.
She’s a coke head.
She makes you depressed.
She bites her toenails. . (Although… flexibility can be quite an asset in the sack.)
She belittles you.
She is not careful with money.
Look at your list.
Now… How does Wonderwoman stack up?

If she can bite the toenails on both feet at once please give me her number!!!

ConfusedFrank's avatar

@LuckyGuy ha, yeah, this is wonder woman :(
Thanks for your response as well as everyone elses.

The major problem is if I knew what she was BEFORE I got involved I never would have, but the problem now is the cognitive dissonance from the fact I like this woman who has sooo many flaws.

I suppose to your question, my defenses are AT THE BEGINNING that I won’t get involved with a married woman, a liar etc, I dont know what to do when we are already together and I find these things out.

ConfusedFrank's avatar

What about the feelings I have for her? She read this book I wrote, that was touching.

jca's avatar

@ConfusedFrank: Consider seeing a therapist. It might be helpful for you to sort out your feelings and disengage from her, if you choose to disengage.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Frank! Don’t make me come over there!

She read your book. Ok Fine. It cost her nothing except maybe a little time.
Think about what you get out of all this. (Not the sex, because we know that must be fantastic.) From what I can see here you always end up feeling like crap: belittled, inadequate, depressed… Dude! Do you want to go through life like that? It’s so not worth it!

(Unless she does that behind the head thing with both her legs then, ok, it’s worth it.:-p)

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

RUN. She is using and manipulating you. females are an addiction males are born with, you have to get clean and see things in a clear mental state before you can get dirty muff diving again

Coloma's avatar

@ConfusedFrank What you do is what someone else that is married does when they find out their partner has been deceiving them in a big way, you divorce them! Once trust is broken it is rarely repaired.
Now, look on the bright side, isn’t this a much better scenario, to only be dating, than to be married and have to go through all the divorce crap? This womans husband and kids get to be the lucky ones to deal with all that should the shit really go down.

Likely he is completely clueless as to his wifes extra curricular activities with you, but you don’t know that for sure.
Think about this too…you know nothing about this man and what if he found out and came after you? Ever think about that? You have no idea if this guy could go ballistic and beat the snot out of you or worse.

Another really nice thing your sneaky girl friend has done for you, set you up to, potentially, be the fall guy for her games. I can see it now, her crying and swearing that you were the instigator and she was just the helpless victim of your pressure, as enraged husband grabs you by the throat and slams your head into a wall.

jca's avatar

Good point by @Coloma. Another possibility is the hubby finds out where you work (no hard feat now with internet searches) and comes by your job, yelling and making a scene. A long time ago, I worked for a major American electronics manufacturer, and my married boss was fooling around with a woman who was married. Her husband found out and confronted the two of them at work. Everyone was shocked, it was embarrassing and potentially harmful to their careers. Think about that as a possibility.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Just. Don’t.

She will not divorce her husband for you. She will not tell her children about you. She will never be honest with you or her husband. Right now, she doesn’t have to make a choice, because you’re not making her. Why would she, when she gets what she wants from her husband, and then gets what she wants from you on the side? She might genuinely have feelings for you on some level, but that doesn’t mean she’ll do anything about it. She’s a coward and won’t choose between you and her husband. You’re only half of what she wants, her husband is the other half.

If you want to only be good enough for her some of the time, by all means, dive in.

jca's avatar

Does the husband support her or does she work? If he supports her, it will be almost impossible for her to leave him for another man.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

You need to walk away from this one (at least for now). She lied to you. She’s in a relationship. If her marriage really is over, tell her to call you when she’s living on her own and away from her husband. You really don’t need that sort of mess in your life.

Buttonstc's avatar

Any relationship that does not have a foundation of honesty and trust is not worth continuing in.

You are obsessed with this woman to your own detriment. Find a good therapist and stick with it. It will be money well spent.

You know that you need to cut this woman out of your life but seem unable to do it. You need professional help. Run, don’t walk to the nearest competent therapist. You will not regret it.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

You deserve someone better than a woman who lies to you, cheats on her husband, and uses you as her refuge from marriage and children.

vatofjelly's avatar

I suck at dating. But this woman sounds like a trip, and like everyone else has stated you need to really run, not walk away from this situation. It seems like she doesn’t know what she wants, and you waiting around for her isn’t going to be healthy. You’ll just continue to obsess over it a lot more.

ConfusedFrank's avatar

@jca @Love_my_doggie @vatofjelly @Buttonstc
She makes a lot of money herself, so her excuse about debt is kind of weird. I think she is telling the truth with how emotional she gets but I also know i’ll always be 4th to her kids. We live 5 hrs away so not an issue of seeing her much, just a weird desire to be friends/attention with occsional hookups.

I told her how bad she hurt me and seems generally interested in trying to do better. Am I way overthinking this and its as simple as ‘married=no’ or can I be ‘special friends’ until I find a new girl friend?

Coloma's avatar

@ConfusedFrank Yep, it is that simple, married=no, period, end of sentence.
Also, if you hang onto her as a hook up while actively looking for a new relationship, then you are guilty of using her as well, so, two wrongs never make a right.
You are experiencing love addiction and you have to get clean and learn to be okay with yourself without a relationship before you are ready to make a new commitment to a new women.

If you keep this “special friends” thing going all you will be doing is feeding your addiction a little at a time. Make a clean break and get straight with yourself first dude! You need to detox from this women and not just switch up your drug of choice with a new person. Same rope, different ends my friend.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

@Coloma words of wisdom right there.

ConfusedFrank's avatar

Thanks for answers guys

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