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dopeguru's avatar

How do you think my relationship with my brother influenced my love life?

Asked by dopeguru (1917points) November 27th, 2015

My brother disowned me as his sister when I was about 10. We didn’t speak for a few years, I couldn’t comprehend it really, it was a bizarre and heavy burden. The reason was me texting boys and girls saying sexual things. He printed my conversations and shoved them on my face, then there it goes.

We’ve never been close and its always been awkward ever since, even if its been more than 10 years. We talk, sure, but its always with a bit of resentment. Mostly from his part.

I can’t maintain love relationships. I have extreme trust issues because I always catch boys in sketchy situations. I need to know everything about other women, including what they think of. Its wild, and it leaves me manic and neurotic sometimes. When I think of love I think of never really being happy because they’d eventually lie or have lied, or were deceitful or will be deceitful.

How can this relate to my brother? I don’t understand it. I want to know why I am like this.

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19 Answers

Tropical_Willie's avatar

We can’t answer for you. Get therapy.

janbb's avatar

Since you were writing and saying sexual things at an early age before your brother stopped talking to you, there seem to be other factors at play in your relationship dysfunction. As we’ve said many times, get help.

chyna's avatar

You were sexting at age 10? About 15 years ago? I’m not sure if you are pulling our leg or if this is true, but if you were having sexual fantasies at age 10, you surely need a therapist. If this is the reason your brother stopped talking to you, then maybe you scared him off.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

How old was your brother when he disowned you? You say that you were age 10, but you don’t mention your brother’s age at the time.

Zaku's avatar

Young family life sets up patterns which persist, so yes. How exactly is for you to feel out.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

You clearly need to find yourself and be happy with who you are. Bring that locus of control back inside. I agree, you need to see a therapist

Seek's avatar

”“Im in my mid twenties

So, if you’re actually in your mid-20s, that means you were ten years old 15 or so years ago.

This was the phone many of us had back then. You know, back when no kids at all had their own phones, because texting was pay-per-text and the average American who had texting service sent 35 texts per month.

Where did you grow up that in the year 2000 – when most adults didn’t have cell service yet – there were a bunch of children with an unlimited texting account and no parental oversight?

I seriously question whether you are pulling our legs.

dopeguru's avatar

… This is a serious subject I never discussed with anybody in my life. I put it online, and of course, people don’t believe me.

Anyway. He is 34 now. I’m 25.

Yes, I even had a notebook of sexual fantasies when I was 11. I never thought about it as something that needed therapy for, I figured it was just a thing.

FYI, I’m already seeing a therapist. But it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I also heard opinions of people in Fluther as y’all seem to be quite wise.

Seek's avatar

Sexual fantasies as a young’un don’t faze me. That happens.

10 year olds with cell phones in 1999, not so much.

Kardamom's avatar

I have extreme trust issues because I always catch boys in sketchy situations.

I find it hard to believe that someone who claims to be 25 refers to males as “boys.”

I also believe that this OP needs therapy for a whole host of problems. Trust issues, not keeping stories straight, stretching the truth, not being able to explain statements and/or getting angry at us for pointing out discrepancies, having unrealistic expectations about the opposite sex, continuing to do the same things regarding the opposite sex and then wondering why she gets burned and dumped and lied to and disowned, continuing to make foolish choices regarding the men (or is it boys?) that she chooses. I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

Pulling our leg? Probably.

LostInParadise's avatar

Connecting the dots in the conversation here suggests a possible cause of your problem. If you are not honest with others, if you put on a facade and engage in what you call game playing, how can you expect others to be honest with you?

I see a vicious cycle at work. You have low self-esteem and feel compelled to hide who you are from others. This in turn invites dishonesty and deceit from those you interact with, which eats away at your self-esteem and we start all over again.

marinelife's avatar

I don’t think it relates so much to your brother as it does to you. You were sexualized awfully early. Why? The fact that you are thinking about all the guys you’re in relationships with potentially cheating or lying is much more about your feelings about yourself. Why do you feel you are not worthy of love? Why were you getting sexual at the age of 10? How do you feel about yourself? Do you love yourself? I am not sure you are in a place to be in relationship. It sounds like you have serious issues that you need to work through. I recommend that you see a therapist.

dopeguru's avatar

The thing is I’ve always caught guys I like.
The last one was a compulsive liar who lived a double life: with me and then with other girls and party/hook-up culture.
There’s always been a disturbance. All the guys I liked had questionable things. I think motives are important than the acts. I think character is more important than the effect of their acts. I wouldn’t feel accepting towards any of the guys I liked because there’d always be some interest in other girls. Hell, even my male friends who have girlfriend would sleep with me if I made a move. I think thats why I referred as ‘boys’ too because I have never met a man. I’m not even sure they exist.

dopeguru's avatar

@LostInParadise I understand what you’re saying and I agree with it. I may need to be more upfront about my character. From the get go. No games played, no tricks to get something.

dopeguru's avatar

@marinelife I love myself too much. I’m very confident especially now in my values and beliefs. Im not exactly where I want to be in my career but Im working on that everyday. Im an idealist which plays a role in my failed relationships. But thats only because I think a lot and know what makes more sense than the other, so it drives me nuts when someone doesn’t think yet believes in something wholeheartedly for reasons uncalled for.

Cruiser's avatar

You describe how you were sexting and texting boys and girls at 10 years old which IMHO is a form of attention getting. Your activities probably irritated and embarrassed your brother and he obviously did not approve and distanced himself from you.

You don’t give a lot of details here so I can only postulate that your association with sexual behaviors at such an early age set the stage for you having issues with your significant others in a less than healthy way. IMO I do not think your issues with relationships has much of anything to do with your brother at all and more so to do with your inability to extend trust to the people you form relationships with. Trust is the glue of any strong relationship and without it the relationship will not be healthy and ultimately fail.

dopeguru's avatar

@Cruiser Is that what he should’ve done though? Disowning me when I was 10? Rather than seek help for me… That hurts.

Why do I seek attention, then? Why did I when I was 10? From boys?

Cruiser's avatar

@dopeguru Not sure why as you afford little background of your life.. From what I have read, people seek attention in other ways when there is an emotional deficit or dysfunctional relationship with their primary caregivers as an example.

marinelife's avatar

@dopeguru You are asking people on the internet to figure out your problems with incomplete information from a distance. Clearly, you have problems. Clearly, you could use a therapist.

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