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kimchi's avatar

What should I do?

Asked by kimchi (1440points) December 13th, 2015

This might seem like a rant or a complaint, but it’s not. I’m out of ideas on what to do.
My mom constantly yells at me. One mistake I make, and she stays mad for like, a week. She constantly yells at me and makes me cry. I remember one time, I said to her “I feel like you don’t love me.”
She responded, “Why the heck would I love you?”
She also threatens to send me to my dad’s, which I hate going to. It’s messy, the air is bad, and I don’t like it.
My dad, who is divorced with mom, is always on my brother’s side and makes me do all chores. He shouts at me and calls me selfish. He texts other women secretly, although I already know.
Honestly, I knew from the beginning my parents never loved me. But I didn’t know that it could affect me this much.
I can’t run away and find a job or stay at a friend’s house. That’s not possible for me.
What should I do? Should I not talk with them AT ALL?

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9 Answers

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

You could get emancipated , and have your parents foot the bill. Get a free consultation with a lawyer and see if you want to go that route.

Brian1946's avatar

If you’re still going to public school, how about talking to a school counselor and asking that person about contacting child services?

JLeslie's avatar

I feel pretty sure they love you. Don’t go by what parents say when they are frustrated.

It does sound like she is very harsh. Does she drink?

How old are you?

Would she go to family counseling?

Do you live in America? Is your mom American?

If you can, talk to her when everything is calm. Tell her you want to get along better, and want to work out a way for things to be better.

You said she yells when you make a mistake, what type of mistakes? Are you purposely doing things that are dangerous or could hurt your future? Or, are you talking about little things like leaving a light on in the house before you leave for school?

Love_my_doggie's avatar

@kimchi, how old are you?

CWOTUS's avatar

This is a tough question, because there are no easy answers.

In the first place, it would help you to gain some perspective on how bad things can be / have been for other young people in your situation. I’m not kidding when I suggest that you read books such as White Oleander or even some of the Dickens classics: Oliver Twist, for example.

The reason I suggest this is that if you do happen to take the “emancipation” route, or if your search for assistance through school and government agencies lands you in foster care, you might find out – too late – what it really means to “jump from the frying pan into the fire”.

I’m not going to suggest that you’re just spoiled, a drama queen or a prima dona who thinks she’s too good to get her hands wet in dishwater – but you need to consider the possibility. I know that when I was growing up – and I confess that I had an outstandingly good relationship with both of my parents, I still knew well enough what would trip their triggers and sometimes, just for the hell of it, I would push their buttons and start a fight. I presume that your mother is not on drugs, or an alcoholic or mentally ill (or criminal, or over-stressed because of dire financial straits, or other such issues), which would obviously affect her mental well-being, mood and outlook on life, and I also presume that you’re intelligent enough (and self-perceptive enough) to know when you’re doing things that you know are going to upset her because you already have the fatalistic attitude that “It won’t matter; she’s going to be hateful anyway, so I might as well [insert the action or attitude that you know is going to upset her], just because I want to.”

I’ve raised two kids of my own, and as I admitted above, I do know (and remember for myself) what kids can be like sometimes. I suspect that you already know that there is room for improvement in your attitudes and actions, but you’re looking for an easier answer – which would mean that you don’t have to change your behavior (because none of us likes having change forced upon us) – but there may be forces at play with your mom that she’s attempting to shield you from, too.

My suggestion would be that you approach her at some time when you’re both calm and relatively at peace with each other and just start a dialog with her based on the question, “Mom, how can we get along better?” This absolutely will not work to stop an ongoing fight – it will be perceived as a ploy to turn off what she would feel is her righteous anger and would simply appear to be an attempt at manipulation by you. Trying this during a fight or argument would probably worsen the situation.

If you can start that dialog at a good time, make it a sincere question and really listen to her responses – and then take honest and positive steps to live up to her expectations – then that might be a route to improving the situation. You have to be willing to change the things about you that upset her. When she sees you acting in a more mature and adult-like manner, then would be the time that you could start to negotiate for change in her behavior as well.

Of course, if I’m wrong about my list of assumptions, and she is unbalanced by forces larger than either of you can deal with, then we may need to revisit this question. I’m also making the assumption, like @JLeslie, that she really does love you, but her temper sometimes gets the better of her. I’m not downplaying how bad this may seem to you right now – and I know that growing up with divorced parents can be its own kind of hell, and a sibling who will take advantage of one parent’s preference at your expense adds to your perception of misery – but you are the one who is going to have to make this better.

LostInParadise's avatar

You have to stand up to your mother. The tricky part is that you have to do it calmly and without showing any emotion. Getting you upset is how your mother is able to control you. If your mother starts yelling at you, tell her that she is overreacting, that it is not right for her to treat you differently than everyone else. Tell her that you love her and regret that she is not able to reciprocate. If she threatens to send you to your father, tell her that you will not be doing that for the reasons that you have stated. Just because you are a minor does not give your mother carte blanche to treat you like crap. You are entitled to be treated with respect.

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CunningFox's avatar

Your school should be able to do something to help. Ask the guidance counselor or a trusted teacher.

kimchi's avatar

Late response-
my mom never had done drugs, drinks a little bit, and is very very healthy and fit.

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