Do you feel insulted if someone gives you a holiday gift that you feel is substandard?

Be happy that she got a gift in the first place. People don’t OWE you gifts.

My answer: get over it. A paltry gift (whatever that is) is still a gift.

The bigger psychological picture is: why does the friend feel the need to compare herself with others?

If it genuinely feels like an afterthought, and I have good reason to believe that it is, then I’m annoyed, but shrug it off. Otherwise, I don’t gift with obligation, and my only concern would be that I might have embarrassed the other person by over-gifting.

If it’s been about a year for the new woman, she had no idea what the parameters were. She could just as easily ask this question “Do you feel uncomfortable when a co-worker lavishes you with gifts?”
I’m surprised that they didn’t hash it out a bit before the gift-giving. I would. I would ask flat out, “Do you think we should exchange gifts?” If I received and enthusiastic “Yes!” then my next question would be “What spending limit would you think?” I’m probably not going to agree to more than $25.

I generally disagree with the whole work-place gift exchange. I work because they pay me to, not for socializing. Not to say that you can’t develop friendships within your work, but just because you work the same place doesn’t make you friends.
I think your friend’s co-worker has taken largely the same attitude. “Here, I got you this token gift because I thought you might actually use it, but, honestly, I had other priorities.

Won’t come up again for another year, thank the gourd.

Workplace is a place for token gift exchange, if at all. When I give in situations like that, I have no thought about receiving anything in return.

Yes. I once gave a nice gift at a company Christmas party that everyone wanted. I ended up with a sexually explicit gag gift that no body wanted, one I couldn’t wait to throw away!

^ ditto.

I bought a dress for a friend yesterday because she looked amazing in it when she tried it on a few weeks ago. She isn’t the type to buy things for herself. She’s not one of my closest friends, but she is a great person who has had a tough year. Christmas is a nice excuse to give it to her because it looked so nice and I want her to have it.

I don’t think she will get me any gift. She can’t afford a similarly priced gift, and I hope she doesn’t feel guilty accepting my gift without returning the gesture. I will emphasize that I don’t need anything, and that I got her the dress just because I wanted to. That being said, people are weird. There is some unwritten rule in some people’s heads that there must be a comparable exchange. You can’t change those people.

My point: if she can’t accept the water bottle, whether it was a genuinely thoughtful gift or a gift given out of guilt because of the lavishness given, then that is 100% on your friend. Maybe she should be like Sheldon and buy many gifts of varied price ranges and return the sentiment appropriately… Honestly, I bought a $20 token gift I think is neat just to take to work on Christmas just in case there’s a White Elephant gift exchange or something I don’t know about. If not I’ll gladly ship it to my nephews.

Gosh, if someone gives me a gift I am just tickled that they were even thinking about me in my absence! Seriously….I don’t get many gifts.
Another thing for your friend to consider…her coworker may be on a much, much tighter budget than your friend is.

There is only one gift that I get every year that I don’t really appreciate. My sister orders gift baskets on line and sends one to me every year. The baskets are always really cool, and I end up using them a lot. The baskets are stuffed with “exotic” candies and cookies. It’s not a cheap basket…...But other than that, she doesn’t speak to me the rest of the year, if she can help it. So, I’m not sure what she’s even trying to prove by sending them (she’s the kind of person who always has to be proving something, whether it’s how “smart” she is, or how much money she has, or what ever.)
Fuck that basket. Come over here for a bar b que. Invite us to your house for a bar ba que. Let’s go camping. Let’s hang out. I love you, and I know you love me too. What ever it is that happened, that you refuse to tell me about, get over it or let’s talk about it.

There is a lot more going on than “a paltry gift”. the relative ability of one to spend as much as the other, the relative amounts of time for shopping, the relative demands on each other.

The other person may be saying “wow, she really went overboard in what she gave me at the office gift exchange! How could I ever keep up with that?”

But I have been offended when the circumstances were different. One year, my well off former mother in law was in a cheap mood, and gave me a shirt for Christmas off the $5 no-returns table at Sears. I would have rather she just skipped me that year.

Nothing is more certain to assure a lifetime of disappointment than an expectation of being showered with expressions of good taste and generosity from your associates. One must feel fortunate in being considered at all. The remedy is of course to spoil YOURSELF.

And while on the subject, those of you who think yourselves superior gift givers are welcome to submit samples of your choices to ME for approval and certification. Baked goods in particular are guaranteed quick processing.

Not really, I have always operated on the motto “Don’t Expect It” that way if something does go your way then it is better than you anticipated and if it doesn’t, well, you are not disappointed.

So @jca, what did you say to your friend (after you bitch slapped her.) ?

I’ve said this on Fluther before and I’ll say it again: I’m always grateful for any gift or even card I receive. As far as I’m concerned, there is no such thing as a substandard gift.

I don’t think people in our workplaces should feel obligated in any way to give gifts. Perhaps the other two people are closer friends to her? Whatever the giver’s reason, she did give this other person a gift. She didn’t exclude her, and she should accept the present graciously.

Ok, it’s all well and good to say not to expect gifts from the workplace.

What about outside it?

I think at some point we have to acknowledge and respect the feelings of people who feel their families simply don’t care enough to make an effort.

It is the thought that counts, but the thought should go beyond, “ok wrap whatever for them. That’s one more off the list.”

It can hurt more to get a gift that has no thought than to get nothing, sometimes.

^ I think that’s a different situation though @Seek. I don’t think we can expect a work colleague to buy us anything. Family… different kettle of fish.

I remember my brother arriving from overseas on my birthday. I was very excited to see him. I hadn’t seen him for years. And, I’m a child. I love presents and he always bought me great presents. So there was a little (big?) part of me that was excited to see what I got for my birthday.

Once he’d arrive and everyone was settled, he said hey happy birthday, here is your present. I opened it and it was a plastic dancing flower. Honestly, I was just gobsmacked. That’s the only way to describe my feelings at that moment. I thought, this is a joke and my real present is coming soon. It didn’t.

However, a couple of hours later, when everyone else was in another room. He says “hey look what I got [insert my sister’s name] for her birthday.” Her birthday was a couple of weeks later. It was some beautiful jewellery. I didn’t know what to say. I was so hurt, but I’d also been raised to be polite and not be ungrateful. I didn’t want to appear to be a spoiled brat and say ‘what the hell! I get a dancing flower and she get’s this?’. So I said I was sure she’d love it and felt incredibly hurt inside. I never said anything to him. No other present arrived for me. I have no idea what the heck that was about to this day. I don’t know if it was an oversight and he meant to get me, give me something else. Or maybe he is just an insensitive asshat!!

@Seek bingo. I got one present this year. From my mom. It was salt and pepper shakers. No I’m not kidding.

I cried for a minute because, well, lots of people feel lonely or whatever it may be described as during the holidays. They’re anticlimactic.

Then I put the salt and pepper shakers in the kitchen and moved on. What else can you do.

My sister “forgot” me on purpose because I accidentally forgot her birthday. I sent gifts for all 5 of her children.

^^ And that’s what I hate about the joyful holidays. The stress and disappointment and infighting that invariably comes…

I rarely get gifts. I would never feel insulted.

Honestly, I’m relieved when I don’t get a gift.
There’s damned little I want or need that someone is going to gift me, and I’m not good at playacting.
If someone knew enough to give me something I dearly love but never buy for myself – say salmon jerky – I’d be truly touched. But that ain’t gonna happen.

People who care take note of small mentions, remember them, and use them to inform gift shopping.

I’ve never had salmon jerky. It sounds like something worth trying. Yum!

Delicious, @Seek.
I’ve never seen it for sale, but have ordered it online a couple of times. Thought so many times about trying to make my own. Fresh frozen salmon isn’t that expensive and the jerky is.

When I was younger I was the king of small mentions, and finishing touches. One time I bought a collectible pottery bowl for my sister, but I got it really cheap and it seemed kind of bland. I took it to the florist and had them put a spiky tropical arrangement in it and delivered it to her office. Appropriate to this question, she gave me a Yankee candle and something similar my next birthday. I’ve never burned a candle for anything other that light in my life. When I opened them, she could tell I was disappointed. She said – exact quote – “Well, I just don’t shop at the places that have the things you like.”

One time when I was in my late 20’s my sister left me at her house Xmas Eve while they went to a gathering. There was beer. Before she left she mention that the family presents and paper were behind the bed in the master bedroom. When she got back, she said, “Did you wrap the presents?” “Yeah, a few.” Kind of crestfallen, “Oh.”

Shit, I had even wrapped the batteries for the kids toys individually like fire crackers (red yarn fuses)!

What I told her: I emailed her and said I had two ideas. One was that what she got her coworker was more than the average coworker gets as a gift for another, except maybe if it’s a coworker who’s also a friend outside of work. My other thought is that my friend might not be valued by the coworker, because she may think my friend is crazy with going to the doctor so often and stuff like that. The coworker may also be resentful that my friend takes a lot of time for doctor visits and stuff.

My friend emailed me and said she thinks the coworker is simply cheap. She reminded me that if she takes time off to go to the doctor, that is time that is her sick time so she’s entitled to take it. I said I understand that, but pointed out that the coworker may feel like she’s strapped with the extra work when my friend is out of the office. My friend seems not to agree with my theories – she feels the coworker is cheap.

I was thinking about the “insult” theory. I know when I give a gift, I try to put a lot of thought into what I give. I bought a nice gift for a good friend of mine (this was a long time ago) and she, in return, gave me a small sweater. I am very obviously not a small size. My friend admitted she got it from a store that was closing so she could not return it. I remember being so mad because I know she got it solely because it was probably very cheap, with the closeout sale. That, to me, was an insult.

If I were your friend I would think it was a big leap for you to say she got her a water bottle because she goes to the doctor a lot.

@AdventureElephants: That was in reference to the fact that since the two of them do the same kind of work, when my friend is leaving work and running to the doctor three and four times a week, the coworker gets stuck doing extra work answering the phones and things like that.

Yeah, I get that. If I were in your friend’s shoes and you said that to me, I would immediately get defensive about my (perceived) medical issues. If she believes she is sick and has sick time accrued to deal with it, she has the right to do so.
Unless you work with her coworker, there is no way for you to know if her coworker is annoyed by her doctor visits, and it seems totally unrelated to getting a substandard gift from an office coworker to me. You may have inadvertently given her an even bigger complex about her coworker now that you have (justifiably, presumed, correctly, whatever) tied her illnesses to her relationships and acceptance of/by her coworkers. As if being (or thinking you are) sick isn’t stress enough by itself.

@AdventureElephants: I understand it is her sick time and she has the right to use it. I work for the organization that advocates for employees (of which she is a member but she is and was my friend before this occurred), and negotiates the contract under which they, she, I work, which gives her the sick time, so I know all that.

I offered my opinion to her, as she asked and we discussed.