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Lulu4500's avatar

I haven't wanted sex with my boyfriend in over a year?

Asked by Lulu4500 (162points) January 1st, 2016 from iPhone

We’ve been talking about it through all of 2015 and even part of 2014. I’m not sure what to do anymore and I feel so guilty that I haven’t been horny. I just joined and this is my first fluther question…..I just really needed to ask for some opinions.

I have been with my boyfriend for six years now and other parts of our relationship are fine. We both finish school and are working, and we get along great. I love him and he’s my best friend. We argue sometimes over tiny things but it’s extremely rare that we have “big” arguments. Even before I was in a relationship with him, I was never the type of person that craved sex. Even with people I found attractive, it was always like “they’re nice to look at” but I never wanted to get in bed with them. I used to masturbate but i never had to picture sex in order to get off; I don’t mind people watching porn but personally I just find it kinda gross.

In the first couple of years we used to have sex. We were both virgins and grew our “sexual” relationship together. I enjoyed it and used to even initiate. However, towards the end of 2014 I just stopped wanting it. I still have sex with him every now and then but it’s a lot more rare and I never really “want” it. I think he feels like it’s a reflection on him but I still love him very much. But the feeling has been getting worse. I barely enjoy kisses now and I dislike when he tries to touch my breasts and whatnot. It hurts and makes me cry sometimes because my brain wants to like all of these things but my body won’t listen. He says he still loves me and it’s fine, but I can tell it has been bothering him. I feel like he deserves someone who wants him just as badly as he wants me. He is horny all the time and I know he’s attracted to me, but out of respect he hasn’t been pushing for sex.

He’s worried too that I’m not attracted to him I think. But for starters, someone being attractive has never really influenced how I’ve felt sexually anyway. He’s a little short and slightly overweight but I always found him still to be handsome. Not a super model but still is attractive and I think if we had children with his features they’d be gorgeous lol. And his height/weight obviously didn’t influence me in the four years we were having sex previously, and on top of that he has actually been losing weight (so proud of him).

I’ve been on birth control since before we began our relationship so I don’t think that’s it either. I’ve been waiting to see if this problem would just go away but it hasn’t. I don’t have sexual urges in general. Never have for anyone else, but not even for him anymore. For the longest I’ve been feeling like something is wrong with me and I feel abnormal and it has made me feel depressed, which in turn turns me off of sex even more.

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12 Answers

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. Please bring this up to your doctor because it’s not going to resolve itself and you deserve more. Your BF is a keeper because he obviously cares about you. That said it’s likely hurting him also because he is not getting that intimate bond with you. It’s not a good feeling when your significant other can’t reciprocate because of something like this. I’m no doc but birth control can cause it. It’s also very important to remember that this is not your fault and you should not feel bad about it.

LornaLove's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. I agree with @ARE_you_kidding_me because I guess this type of issue could come from all sorts of things, that we are not qualified to answer. Plus, I think at this point we could only guess. (That is, at a deeper level). On a more practical level, as time passes desire does ebb and flow. I watch ‘The Sex’ Clinic here in the UK and for e.g. one couple was asked to write down the things that really turned them on. Or, if they couldn’t think of anything, to look at Google images and share which images did turn them on or off.

It does help if our partner knows how to push our buttons so to speak.It could role-play, or certain positions, certain places, like outside (although I find that dangerous!), also communicating about other things that are bothering us. Kissing is a funny thing, it seems so easy when the relationship is new, yet somehow can get harder as time passes. I find this odd myself.
It takes imagination and a bit of work to get things back on track, as I said on a face value level.

marinelife's avatar

You need to talk to to your doctor as the two previous answerers have said. He or she can rule out the physical. You may require therapy.

Did you by chance start taking an SSRI for depression or anxiety? A lot of them can cause your sexual feelings to be depressed. I am most worried about your not wanting him to touch you or kiss you. If you truly love him, that’s not normal. Your boyfriend deserves more from the relationship. It is up to you to work on this. Make a doctor’s appointment right away and be prepared to tell the doctor exactly what you have told us here.

Silence04's avatar

Have you been on the same birth control the entire time?

Lulu4500's avatar

I guess y’all are right. The next step is the doctor. I have been on the same like hormone level of birth control the whole time but the generic name has changed. So maybe it’s different? I’m not sure. I’m scared of switching to like an iud because of the side effects; I get really bad cramps and whatnot and my bc has kept them manageable and my skin is clearer. But maybe there is another option…..I’m not on any pills for depression at the moment but I do suffer from anxiety.

I mean kissing is ok but the touching sometimes I have an issue with because (my breasts) are a very sexual area for me stimulant wise. Stuff that normally should feel good feels irritating now because it only is pleasurable when I’m in the right mindset. I still love to cuddle a lot so it’s not like being with him and close to him is something I dislike. It’s just touching in “hot spots”.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

This is my take on it (and around here weighs very little), is that you are not passionate for him now that the novelty of sex has worn off because you see him as a good friend. Certainly somewhere in the back of your mind you may not see it as ”it” because you never indicated the need or desire to ”seal the deal”. Because you are so close, it is not quite an extended FWB situation. Could it be something chemical, fixed with a pill or a shot or maybe a dash of rhino horn, who knows? To me it sounds like there is no heat or roots to hold onto but it drifts alonge because of the time invested no one wants to lose out on that.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther, and kudos to you for making your first question such an intimate and important one.

I agree completely with @ARE_you_kidding_me. The problem, whatever it is, will probably not cure itself – if there even is a cure – and is likely to worsen, which could seriously jeopardize your relationship. Your boyfriend is obviously committed to you, and the way you describe him he sounds even saintly. Not many would stick around and be faithful through the kinds of issues that you describe, and for so long.

And sex should be a lot of fun! So you owe it to both of yourselves to see what can be done to resolve the issue.

It may just be that you are more or less asexual, which is uncommon but not “abnormal” among humans. In that case you would have to work out some kind of modus vivendi with your partner to enable you to maintain the committed and loving relationship that you have, but for him to have his needs / desires satisfied and for you to maintain your own integrity and mental health. You should clearly check out the possibility of physical and obvious emotional causes that might exist (such as dealing with any childhood abuse issues that you may have suffered, which takes a high toll on many women), if any, and deal with them. After that yields no change, then you may choose to visit a sex therapist with your partner to see what options are available to you, including sex toys, mutual masturbation and other techniques that could help to relax you – or improve his technique – so that you could either enjoy sex or at least tolerate it equably. Depending on how well you can communicate with each other – because this is difficult for many, too – you may be able to participate with him while he masturbates, which also adds a level of intimacy that may be lacking. (It’s a near-certainty that he does masturbate, so you should talk about that – which can be liberating in its own right – and doing it together would certainly add a new level of intimacy between you. And you probably won’t need a therapist to tell you how to do that.)

At some point you and he – guided by a professional sex therapist, I hope! – might even consider the viability of a professional sex surrogate for your husband, with you either present and directly involved or not, as appropriate for the two of you. (If you go this route you should definitely be guided by a reputable and experienced therapist, and not attempt to go-it-alone for a craigslist threesome or some other kind of half-baked porn movie plot.)

You’re not alone. A lot of couples suffer through this kind of unequal libido and desire, and there are ways to work through it, but you do need guidance – more than you can get from random strangers on the internet.

Good luck to you both!

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’ll throw in my 2 cents. Feel free to ignore it.

Quick math tells me you both are in your mid-to-late 20s. If he is a healthy male I can assure you he is missing sex – many times per day. He might tell you it doesn’t matter, but he’s lying. He is only saying that so you don’t worry. (He will deny this so don’t bother asking.)
Regular evenings of passion are one of the best investments you can make in the relationship. The act is so much more than just the 20 second squirt. He will think of it (and you) while driving to work, at work, at lunch, coming home to you, taking a shower before bed, dreaming, ...

On the other hand if you are not “playing” after a few days his head gets full of longing, sadness, disappointment, frustration, questions…. For men, sex is like air. It becomes really important when you’re not getting any.

Which thoughts do you think help make a stronger relationship?

For both your sakes, please do something about this.You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.

AdventureElephants's avatar

“It hurts and makes me cry sometimes because my brain wants to like all of these things but my body won’t listen.”

Can you explain to us WHY you are crying? Is it for him? Is it out of frustration? I would like to understand what motivates your tears, exactly.

I thought asexuality, too. There are asexual brings out there, but in your case it sounds like more than that. I also thought like @Hypocrisy_Central that maybe he isn’t the one and you just aren’t allowing yourself that possibility.

I’m big on “fake it til you make it,” however it’s the fact that something is making you so upset you cry that really jumps out at me. I definitely agree with all others… You need to tell your doctor and find a therapist.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

I haven’t wanted sex with your boyfriend in over a year too?

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